We broke up over 4 months ago, but I cannot move on...

[newlydumped]

My boyfriend and I broke up in early November. Though it doesn't hurt as much as it did at first, lately I find myself thinking about him constantly and desperately wanting to speak to him.

 

The break-up was my mainly my fault - I was drinking too much and simply did not get how many problems it was causing. I stopped drinking the day he broke up with me and have not had a drink since, nor do I plan to.

 

I have not spoken to him since we broke up. I sent him a letter one month after the break-up telling him that I was no longer drinking and would like to get together and talk, but of course I got no response. We then got matched on e-Harmony - I ended up calling him to laugh about it and left a vm...he sent me an email back saying that he thought that he hadn't known till he got my message as he never logs on to the site but that he thought it was funny, too and that he hoped I was well. I wrote back a couple weeks later and just said that I was doing fine, and asked how his job was going - he started right before we broke up. I haven't heard anything back. I sent the email 3 weeks ago.

 

I want to call him so badly - I miss him tremendously, and thoughts of him are constant, even as I try to train my brain to think of other things. We had a great relationship, but my drinking eroded it. I just want to spend some time with him again. And I guess I don't understand why we cannot have some small amount of communication, even if it is just emailing every couple of weeks.

 

I have been doing all the things people say to do - I have been working out 4 times a week, going to therapy, meditating, spending time with friends; I have even been on a few dates. But the urge to call him is getting overwhelming. Any thoughts or support would be amazing...

[redhook]

It is hard to go through this. I am there myself with my girlfriend. I want to call I want to write and confess my love. But then I think about what would come of it and realize nothing would. I will lose pride and push her away by pressuring her. If she doesn't want to be with me she doesn't deserve me and thats how you should look at it. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect just as much as the next person. Keep your head up because it will get better. It has to because the worst has already passed.

[sbrew21]

You have been really good about everything so why not give him a call. Ask if he wants to meet for lunch, coffee, you know something really short. I did that with my ex and we are talking again. Sometimes you just need to get the ball rolling. If he declines don't get upset, just be like OK, take care. I mean its been four months. Just say you want to catch up. Make the conversation short and light.

[newlydumped]

Hi RedHook...The thing is, I don't want to call and confess my love. I just want him in my life again. Do I hope that we would then eventually get back together? Of course, or I wouldn't be posting in this forum. But I also know that things have changed for both of us, and we would need to see what those changes would mean in terms of the possibility for a new relationship. I am not drinking. But he is not going to trust that simply because I say so. He would have to see that for himself. And I would have to gauge how my own feelings are towards him if/when he is back in my life. His breaking up with me had an enormous effect on me. And while I want him back, I don't want him back in a way that would necessitate me constantly feeling as if I am having to prove myself, or be grateful that he was willing to give me another chance. It would have to be on equal footing. But of course, to see if that would even have the chance to happen, we would need to see, and speak to, each other.

 

And I know that I deserve someone who wants to be with me. The thing that keeps sticking in my mind is that he did want to be with me. He simply couldn't deal with the drinking. And I don't think he was wrong in that. I am actually extremely grateful to him for breaking up with me, in terms of the fact that it finally turned on that lightbulb in my head. I just wish that he was able to see me now that it has turned on.

 

Sbrew21 - Calling him and keeping things light is exactly what I want to do. In fact, that is what I hoped would happen when I called him about 6 weeks ago regarding the whole eHarmony thing. And though he did email me after I left him that voicemail, he hasn't replied to my last email, though it too was short and light. People around me are telling me that that either means he is totally over it or that he isn't over it at all and just isn't ready to talk to me, but that either way I should just let it go. But something in my gut just won't let me let go. And thus the idea of calling just keeps swirling in my head.

[Trex]

I agree with sbrew. What do you have to lose at this point? 4 months is more than enough time to allow to pass before calling. I definitely think you should call. I had a similar problem with an ex-gf. I called her after about a month when she'd said "don't call, don't write, etc" and we ended up getting back together. Of course, we are not together now, that was a long time ago and she was my first gf, but that's for the best.

 

Go for it. Keep it light, don't talk at all about the failure of the relationship. Go for coffee. Force yourself to leave after 30-45 mins and don't suggest getting together again. If he doesn't agree to get together, laugh it off, DON'T get upset, be cool, and then change the subject. If you keep chatting every couple of weeks or so, eventually he might agree to meet up for coffee or lunch. Whatever you do, don't sound sad about anything. Be fun, and be sincere, and he might want to see you again. Best of luck!!

[newlydumped]

Thanks, Trex.

 

I guess I am just so worried that he might just simply reject me again. I mean, he didn't respond to that last email. And it makes it harder because I know he is in contact with his other ex's. Not in a big way, but sporadically, here and there. And our break-up wasn't so bad that he shouldn't want to talk to me. So why doesn't he seem to want to? I know it seems like I am babbling; I guess I kind of am. I am just so confused. I want to call him so badly, but I am so scared that it will be the wrong move.

[sbrew21]

Remember, emails are really easy to avoid. I had texted my ex and got no response so I said F*ck it and decided to call him. I was so nervous but he accepted to meet with me. Then I even called him again to hang out one more time and we had the most amazing time together. Last night he came over, brought wine, and we had a nice night. So sometimes you just have to take the risk. Just put yourself out there a little bit. You keep on wondering so you might as well do it. I think he will want to meet up. But make sure you keep the conversation short and when it seems to be going well just pick a date and time to meet. Don't leave it up in the air.

[sbrew21]

Nooooo Relationship Talk Whatsoever!!

[newlydumped]

And if I call and he doesn't answer, then back to NC? Would it be cowardly/manipulative to call from my home phone, which is a blocked number? I don't want to be put back into the position of waiting for a response. I even thought of simply stopping by his house one night, but that is so not me, and it seems rather stalkerish.

 

It doesn't help that the weather is turning nice again and so much of what we would do involved being outside in the sun, hiking, BBQ-ing, playing with my dogs.

 

My therapist asked me this morning if I did call, was there any answer that he could give that would really help me. And the thing is, I don't know that there is. Funnily enough, the best scenario is if I called him, and he told me that he was seeing someone and that was why he was not communicating with me. Then the fact that he doesn't want to talk/see me would not seem to be so much about ME. It would hurt like h*ll that he was with someone else. But at least then I could understand. But if he did tell me that he didn't want to communicate either because he was just so over me or because he wasn't over me but wanted to be, I don't think either answer would be satisfying. If anything, that type of response would just leave me more dissatisfied and hoping for change. Because the truth of it is that I don't want to call because I am looking for closure. I want to call because I am looking for continuance. And I am not sure I want to know if that continuance is not possible.

[sbrew21]

well the only way you are going to find out is by calling. You can either continue to wonder and hope everyday he will call and who knows maybe one day he will, or you can grow a spine and just call. If you get his voicemail I wouldn't leave a message. You can always call a few days later or a week later if you want to.

 

Don't stop by his house (that's stalkerish). If he doesn't answer the second or third time you call, either he is avoiding your call, or you can leave a message but after that then you might have to try and move on.

 

You can do it. Be extremely confident. You have so much to be proud of. Look how far you have come and how much of a better person you have become.

 

The longer you wait it just gets more and more frustrating. I would try and figure out a day that you think he might be free and set up a time to meet.

 

I know if he says he doesn't want to, its going to be really hard, but I think he will. Just stay confident, fun, and flirty, an don't talk about anything too serious. Just do it!!!

[redhook]

The drinking thing could be a huge problem for some people and he may have lost a lot of trust in you. It will take some work and time to show him you are not going to do it again..Good luck!

[newlydumped]

Thank you for your advice. I tried calling him tonight on my way home from dinner with a friend. The call rang through to voicemail, but I didn't leave a message. I don't know if that was the right move or not. I figure I will wait a couple of days and maybe call again and this time, if I get voicemail, leave a message. It hurts though, my mind immediately goes to the thought that he let my call ring through on purpose, and why doesn't he want to talk to me?

 

redhook - I know the drinking thing would be incredibly difficult to get over. But I believe in myself and I know that the drinking part of my life is over...it has cost too much. I would like for him to be able to believe in me, too. If he never does, that in no way means I will start drinking again. I quit for me. But how can I show him the changes in me if he never answers his phone?

 

My therapist says that while she cannot read people's minds, it is her firm belief that if there were no emotions on his part, then communication would be easy. He wouldn't think twice about picking up the phone or responding to an email because there would be no emotional risk to him. She doesn't think that necessarily means he wants to get back together, but that there is still emotion there. What do you guys think?

[sbrew21]

Hey I am proud of you for giving it a chance. It does suck he didn't pick up the phone. Wait a few days, maybe even a week and leave a message next time. I will help you come up with a message if you would like.

 

You don't know what he is thinking so try not to over analyze it. Maybe he was busy, or didn't have his phone by him...so don't stress or get upset about that. Its amazing how our mind wanders sometimes.

 

At least you know you have changed and that's the only person you need to prove it to, is yourself!

 

As far as your therapist says.... a stretch. I am no psychologist though.

 

Just keep feeling really confident about yourself. I mean you are working out, stopped drinking, probably looking like a foxy lady so just keep that up and know your self worth always.

 

Guys come around...they always do.

[newlydumped]

Yeah, it is totally crazy the way my mind can conjure up images or reasons for why he wouldn't answer the phone. And logically I know that I really have no idea why he didn't answer. I mean, I miss calls every day, and not usually because I choose not to answer.

 

I know I don't need to prove anything to him, though that is definitely a hard knowledge to hang on to. And though my self-esteem took a huge nose dive right after the break-up, it is on its way back up. I love this new gym I have discovered and I actually really enjoy not drinking. (Tis a great thing to never wake up hung over!)

 

I might take you up on the offer to help me with the message to him. I have to think about whether I am willing to leave a message and put myself into the vulnerable position of then waiting for him to call back. Do you really think guys always come around? I used to think that, but as I have read more and more about ex's contacting their dumpees, and he still hasn't reached out at all to me, that thought seems less and less true.

 

Thank you for your kind words. And I have been following your story with your ex - I hope it all keeps going well for you!

[sbrew21]

Its up to you what you want to do. If you want more time then take it. If you want to just try and move on then do it.

 

Guys ALWAYS come around. Just usually when you really don't care anymore.

 

Its all about creating attraction again. I know you just need to get that chance. Stay positive because it will help you feel better about everything. That's what I am doing. Of course I start over analyzing about things and then get upset so I try to think of something else when that happens. Like doing sit ups instead.

 

Anyway, I think you can give it at least one more chance but if you aren't ready for that then don't do it. Its hard to take that risk because you dont' want to get burned again. Trust me I know.

 

Give it a week. See how you feel. If you are up for it I will try and help you with some witty clever things to say. .

 

Thanks for the good wishes for me. Just have to be really smart and give him a lot of space now.

[redhook]

I don't agree with the fact that guys "always come around". Some guys just realize there are too many problems attached to a person and they cannot handle them. I don't exactly know how excessive your drinking was but if you are addicted you face a life long battle that is not always easily won. A couple of weeks isn't going to show a man that it will never happen again. He might be scared you are making promises you cannot keep and that could take some time to get over. Just stay strong for yourself. Do them with the intent to better yourself because if you get him back you may fall back into old habits.

[newlydumped]

Hi redhook...that is what I am afraid of - that he thinks there are too many problems with me to try again. But he told me several times that my drinking was the only thing he didn't like about me. As to how serious the drinking was, it wasn't good. I would not classify myself as an alcoholic, but I think that I was probably headed down that path. I started drinking in college to fit in and it just became habit. Combined with the fact that I am severely unable to recognize my limits, it became a problem. But I don't crave liquor, and quitting has been surprisingly easy. I feel like it was a habit that I just had to get out of doing. Unfortunately, it took me way too long to see any of what I just said.

 

If we did ever get back together, I know I would not fall back into old habits. I like myself so much better now. And being sober is definitely a promise that I made to myself. I am very much of the school that you cannot make changes for anyone but yourself - someone else can inspire changes, but only you can make them. And I am sure that he is scared that my decision to stop drinking is only temporary. But he will never learn otherwise unless we communicate, which leaves me back in the same dilemma.

 

Sbrew - thank you so much for your advice, I so appreciate it. I think about trying to just move on. But I don't know if I can, without trying at least one more time.

[redhook]

I think that what you said to me sounds good. It is easy however to quit for two weeks but how will you feel a month or so down the road, Especially if he doesn't come around? Those may be questions in his mind and cause him to be very cautious if he has ever dealt with this before with a relative or friend.

[newlydumped]

It is easy to quit for two weeks, but I actually stopped drinking November 1st, so it is just shy of 5 months. Which I recognize is still a relatively short amount of time. And he has dealt with this in his family...his grandfather was an alcoholic until the day he died. As to whether I would start drinking again if he doesn't come around, I know I won't. I will never put myself in this type of situation again. If he doesn't come back, and if I am lucky enough to meet someone I love as much again, I would never want to repeat this situation. I also do not want to endanger any other non-romantic relationships. Plus, I really do like myself a great deal more now - sober.

 

But some days I wonder if it is just too much for his to overcome. Plus he has to want to first. But then I end up back in the same place I began, wondering what would happen if we could at least just start talking.

[redhook]

Congrats! Five months is great. Look at this way, if he doesn't get over it at least you gained a better you. If this loss is what it took for you to quit and come around then someday you may thank god for putting you in this positon. Sometimes we need to hurt and feel pain to have breakthroughs in our personl journey of life. Not all is lost because you are someone you can be proud of now. Keep up the good work.

[sbrew21]

i sent you a PM

[newlydumped]

So I tried calling him, once on Tuesday, and once this afternoon. Both times he let my call ring through to VM, and I didn't leave any messages. I hate that I feel like I am spiralling down into that needy ex. But I really don't understand why he refuses to talk to me at all. I feel like asking him that in a message..."so are we just never going to talk again?" Ugh. Why am I doing this to myself? I miss him so much. My mother thinks that maybe he senses that I am just contacting him to try and work things out. Who knows. It just doesn't make sense to me that four months on, he doesn't even find it in himself to hold a five minute conversation.

 

I apologize for rambling, and I know that I am saying the same things over and over...it is just the same things keep playing in my head again and again.

[redhook]

Why do ppl do this? I wish we were able to read minds! Keep up the good work and let him contact you. It is hard trust me I am there. If he wants you he will come to you. You have done your part. Hope all is well.