Ex wants to meet up

[littlesensitive]

I'll make this as short as I can and would appreciate a little feedback.

 

My ex and I met a year ago, lived together for a few months and then I had to move away to another city (we had an LDR, with me trying to find a job back where my ex was). He then broke it off because he could not stand the distance even though our relationship was fine. He said he just couldn't see where our relationship was headed. I accepted this and maintained NC for about 2 months and then wrote to him saying that I think its best we parted at the moment but that we should leave the door open for when and if we live in the same city again. My message was caring but it in no way conveyed the message that I wanted to meet up with him any time soon or until a "same-city" relationship becomes possible. I wasn't even expecting a reply from him but he came back to me saying he wants to see me as soon as I'm over where he lives (I go there frequently as i have family there) to "reminisce about the old times". What does that mean?? I certainly would not write that to an ex of mine if I had no intention of being with them again. I replied that I would let him know when I'm there and did not ask anything about his life or even contacted him after that.

 

Please help...Thank you to all. lol

[RayKay]

Honestly, sounds like a metaphor for "some hot sex for old time's sake".

 

Of course, I am not your ex, nor do I know him, so it could be something entirely different - but I have had enough experience to hear that line once or twice from an ex whom used it that way at least!

 

Anyway, it may also mean just getting together and catching up, but I don't think I would read any further into it to say he wants to rekindle something or be together again, not at this point or with those words.

 

I suggest if you want to meet up, do, but be careful, don't do anything you may regret later, make sure you are both on the same page before proceeding.

[littlesensitive]

Thanks RayKay. My ex is a nice guy and had a really tough time after I left - was very heartbroken. I get the feeling he broke up, not because he doesn't care, but because he wanted to protect himself from the pain of an LDR, with me coming and going all the time. He just couldn't handle the constant goodbyes. He is not the kind who goes for one night stands. Still, I do think that what he has in mind is, among other things, some hot sex, which in out relationship was fantastic. I am pretty level-headed and would not do anything that I would later regret. I just want to leave the door open for us for when I move back to where he is (which could be pretty soon - and I am not doing it simply because of him, but having him in my life there would be a very nice thing.) Even if our meeting does end up with us sleeping together, would this be a bad thing?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Getting together with an ex can go just how you want it to. Depends on what you're looking for.

 

If you're looking for a site for sore eyes look at him and his life, meet him somewhere intimate and have a heart to heart.

 

If you're going for an obligatory meet-up because he asked for it and you feel he needs it, then play it safe. Meet some where public, in the middle of the day, and keep it friendly but short.

 

If you're looking for a sexual re-encounter for familiaritie's sake, I say...avoid it. That'll do more emotional harm than good.

 

If you're trying to keep doors open, I personally think that's not fair and a bit like striging him along. Do you know when you'll be moving back or living in the same city? Is that coming up and that's why you want to keep the door open?

 

I think you should really assess what you're/he's after and go from there.

[littlesensitive]

That's the thing - we don't really know All I know is that we care for each other and are sorry that circumstances were such that we had to part (the relationship was fantastic and we both had the time of our lives with each other).

 

I get the feeling that we both think that LDR is very difficult and would prefer to put some brakes on the relationship until we can actually live in the same city again. My move should be coming up and that's why I want to keep the door open, i.e. I don't want to let go just yet because I feel that we haven't fully explored our potential.

 

I guess I want to see him because i care about him, want to find out about his life (he had health problems prior to breaking up with me) and to rekindle some romance. I think he is looking for that too. I would love for us to be back together, but he is the one that broke it off and I am not going to push for a reconciliation. Its just that my heart is telling me that he is not yet over us...

[lgirl]

"reminisce about the old times"

is classic code for sex for old time's sakes without any strings.

 

maybe he doesn't mean that, but then why didn't he just say it would be good to see you when you're in town? it's the "old times" bit that sounds very odd. maybe you should take the bull by the horns (no pun intended!) and ask him if that's what he means. you need to protect yourself emotionally, especially as he broke it off.

 

PS if he wants you back, he will tell you

[littlesensitive]

Oh, I am pretty sure he would like for our meeting to result in sex (as would I to be honest). He said "please call me when you are next in town and we'll have dinner or coffee for old time's sake" - those were his exact words.

 

And yes, I am trying to protect myself emotionally - that's why I am asking everyone for your opinion lol. He is very shy about his feelings and would not say anything directly to me, at least not until we are face to face. I kind of want to play it cool, go there, meet him, act on my instinct and see where we go from there. I don't think I can go wrong by doing that. And if the chemistry is still there, then maybe there is a chance for a relatioonship when we do end up living in the same city again. I just don't know if these meetings in between could sabotage that future relationship...?

[lgirl]

well, the thing is you could meet up and think things are going well and end up in bed - and then find it was just for old time's sake after the 'event'. how crushed would you feel? he is playing it very casually with you, so if you're able to get with him and not let the outcome bother you, go ahead! it's dangerous to rely on instinct in this kind of situation b/c you will be dealing with a whole heap of other distractions, not to mention just the sheer familiarity of seeing him again and yr judgement cld be off. if you do meet him, maybe just keep it to coffee until you are in the same town and are in a position to get involved properly.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would say to seriously think it over before meeting up with the ex. It will DEFINITELY bring up a host of feelings that you would have probably thought were gone already. The meeting will be stressful and nervous and you will feel feelings for the ex that you had been been trying to bury or forget about. And if you sleep with him, it will make your breakup all the more painful because that will wreck with your emotions. Trust me I know. After my ex broke up with me, about a month later, I met up with him to pick up some things that I had left at his place. It turned out to be a bad idea to meet up with him since I still had feelings for him and spent the whole time begging him to come back to me. NOt good. He was telling that to his friends for weeks afterwards, from what I heard. The last time I met up with the ex was at his suggestion, about 3 weeks before I moved out to CA. He was surprised to hear about me moving away and he wanted to see me before I left. That time was weird. I played it up that I was happy and confident about moving away. He was sad and depressed and it made me miss him a lot but I knew there was no chance of us ever getting back together, so I let it go sort of.

[littlesensitive]

Thanks guys, for all your helpful and caring comments. I agree, I need to be careful so as not to let him play with my emotions. But things are a little different in our break up - yes, he broke up with me, but I was the first one to leave him (physically when i moved to another city). I had to leave, he couldn't take the distance - its not a typical break up situation where one person leaves the other because they no longer cared for them. We both care and none of this would have happened had we stayed in the same city. So...I guess I want to be careful, but then again, I want to give us a chance...

[lgirl]

your attitude makes perfect sense, but can i just ask you if he's so great why did you leave him? why didn't you try and make a go of it then (before you left/instead of leaving)? the fact he couldn't "take the distance" as you say implies he's not ready or willing to make that commitment to you or the r/shp (I say this as someone who was in a long-distance r/shp last yr, so i know all the pitfalls/difficulties), so are you sure it would work if you went back? i also think you're overlooking the fact he said he didn't see where yr r/shp was going, so it sounds like he was already having doubts about being involved with you (it sounds like you'd be doing all the running + you're making it too easy for him).

 

the fact is you still left, so your situation is the same as a break-up, albeit there are no bad feelings betw you both and that means the same type of mixed emotions (missing that person, the intimacy you once had, the familiarity, the nostalgia etc etc) could surface, so you could wind up making the same "mistakes" as all ex-lovers do, and quite possibly think more is going on than he intends.

 

i understand you want to give him a chance - but i would step back a bit and let him come to you. if you wanted to be with you, he would find a way to let you know and so far he hasn't (unless you make all the effort - has he talked about visiting you?). face it, if he was desperate to get you back, you wouldn't need to ask us, he'd have tracked you down already and told you. he would leave you in NO DOUBT as to his feelings for you, and so far he hasn't. when it comes to men, where there's a will, there's ALWAYS a way. and his attitude seems extremely casual towards you...

 

so the only advice i can give you is don't sleep with him until you know EXACTLY where you stand with him - get him to tell you how he really FEELS. after all, if you're meant to be together, you will be: what will be, will be - so there's no need to rush. just be sure you really are both on the same page before you open your heart.

[littlesensitive]

Wow lgirl, you really say it like it is. You are so right and I am grateful to you for saying all that, even though it hurts a bit. lol

[lgirl]

you're welcome littlesensitive - just showing you some "tough love"!