Aida_Ali Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 Hello every one... this is the first time im on this website and i have seen a lot of people leaving posts and what not and I was wondering if anyone can help me clear up my brain on something thats killing me inside out! Here's my story...I'v been with this guy for 5 years and a couple of months...When we started our relationship till about 3 yrs after we were great almost perfect then i did something stupid and he found out about it (NO i didnt CHEAT on him but he is sometimes to much on this) to understand my story i guess u got to get a back ground on MY CULTURe Which is MIddle east... So anyway ...he was so mad at me so i gave him a choice to either forgive me and move on with me ..or just break up with me and it would be MY fault..he said he loved me to much to let go...so we stayed together and its been like 1 year and about 5 months....through out these months he has become rude and mean to me and some times i take it hard on myself and say that i deserve it....then i got so upset i told him we cant stay together if he cant get over what happened...so he said ok and we got together and he stopped bringging it up all the time...then i started hearing stuff from his family members that HIS MOTHER went over seas and "arranged a marriage" for him...which is common in the Arabic culture...He told me that it was nothing and i didnt believe it... about 8 months ago we broke up and decided we cannot be together ...then after 3 months he came back to me and begging me to get back with him and remembering he gave me a chance and i still loved him like crazy so i took him back...he then took a trip over seas and stayed for 2 months...now he is back and supposedly he was "forced" to by the conditions there to go with the "arranged marriage" his mother had been working on a while before and he told me that it was nothing to worry about... the problem is NOW...he is LEGALY in MY country married ..he is SWEARING ON HIS LIFE that he doesnt want to marry her officaly caz he doesnt care for her andddd he said he loves me and doesnt want to be with no one else but me...i told him to let everyone know that he DOESNT want to marry the girl there he says its really hard and that he cant do it so easily..DO U THINK HE WANTS IT LIKE THIS OR WHAT...HE IS KILLING ME BY TAKING SO LONG TO CLEAR THINGS UP...im also pressuring him to give me an answer on OUR FUTURE together.. DO U THINK IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG BY PRESSURING HIM TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER SO FAST!!???? please help me it goes into more details then all this i just put on 1 page worth of writing but its 5 yrs........i cant type that much .... PLEASE TELL ME WHAT U THINK...BUT U ALSO GOT TO KNOW ABOUT MY CULTURE BACK GROUND BEFORE U SAY * * * * the dude and move on plaaaaaaaaa Link to comment
hoping Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 i have to start by saying i dun really know the arabian culture.....but i am just goin with what i know....if he is legally married but was really forced into it....and he wants to be with u.....i believe to be fair to u AND his wife...he should get divorced.....i mean im 21 but feelings wise....u definitly have a right to question him about ur future with him....but at the same time....maybe sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk regarding this whole situation.....is he really forced? does he want to stay married to this woman? is his feelings TRUE for you? is HE want YOU want for ur future? if he does express a concern about being arrange married....i think he should reallly take a stand on "divorce"....but obviously i am not trying to stir up sheet...and i am definitly not promoting divorce....but he HAS to be fair to u and his wife....thats just my 2 cent Link to comment
monicaa Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 I don't know much about your culture either, I have heard that they are very strict in regards of arranged marriages and such. I've also heard that family is a great pressure in that cases. My opinion, knowing how things are in your culture, will divorce be that easy? and if so, how much will you be willing to wait for that? It is so hard when you love someone you cannot be with, but you need to consider what it implies that he is married in your country. Usually there is not only legal marriage but other ceremonies. So he has obligations as husband to the other girl, including giving her children. Think if this is really what you want for you. If his love is strong, he will make anything possible to be with you... even over what his family and customs may say. I may not know specifically about your country, but I've known many other cultures.... and I know that even though customs are different, feelings are universal. It is ok and normal that you want answers, you deserve them. Link to comment
Aida_Ali Posted March 26, 2006 Author Share Posted March 26, 2006 Well...speaking of the heart to hear kind of talk...i had it with him just yesterday...i told him if he LOVES me and doesnt want the girl ...it would be unfair for her to have to live with u and ur heart isnt with her....he is now telling me that "he feels sorry for her caz her family treat her bad and that she just wants out" well i know a lot of people who r like that...he wants to stayed married to her becaz of pitty???what about me? all those years iv waited for him... I told him he has until Monday to give me an answer wether of not i need to move on...and he is now blaming it all on ME that we r in This mess...he keeps trying to put the blame on ME for our problems and he seems to run away from the fact that he NEEDS to make a choice...he is under a lot of pressure and so am i...i want to know my future...if he chooses to stick with the girll.i dont want it to be a shock to me...i want to have a heads up that he cannot do what his heart tells him but rather what his parents tell him.... Does any one have any ideas of How to talk to him caz i kind of tried everything possible... I dont want him to feel like he is forced to stay with me ...i just want him to KNOW he is forced to make a choice.... whatever that might be ..i have to live with it ... thnx Link to comment
Momene Posted March 26, 2006 Share Posted March 26, 2006 I know a bit about the culture and I don't think you'll like what I'm going to say. You don't give the details but if you did something stupid then yes, he'll be angry and may sometimes take it out on you. For it to drag on over a year is plainly wrong. It was also plainly wrong of him to go into an arranged marriage and expect you to accept it. If he feels he's doing the right thing by marrying her, I'm afraid the only room in his life for you is as a mistress. I'm really sorry but I think you need to move on. Take care. Link to comment
monicaa Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Well I think that you already made your point with him. It is natural that he wants to shift the blame, because he might be feeling insecure and it is better to make you feel bad for something you did instead of taking responsibility of his actions. I wouldn't force him into another talk. He has the options and me must decide. My opinion is that you give him the gift of missing you, so that he decides and give you an answer... because it is not fair for you to be waiting for him and acknowledge a relationship with him knowing he is already married. Link to comment
Aida_Ali Posted March 27, 2006 Author Share Posted March 27, 2006 Today i brough up the subject again and he said he needs some time...when he got home, he opened his cell phone and he let me hear his conversation with his parents without them knowing i was listening.... they are fighting him and telling him he shouldnt have agreed to it and they dont seem to know they pressured him into it... he left his home and went for a drive and he called me and he was so upset that he said he wasnt even doing this for me but for himself..it really hurt me...he said he doesnt want to get married to anyone NOW and that he feels he is to young to be dealing with this bull s**t...i explained to him that i will "leave him alone" he said what do i mean by leave him alone...i told him that i was going to let him go until he can choose his life...and i told him to be selfish and put HIMSELF first...he said he will not marry the girl and he will not want me NOW until he thinks im "not trouble making to him" ..i was getting upset that he came back to me as if nothing happened but then the phone died and i let it go... BUT THIS IS WERE I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM I NEED TO MEET HIM TOMROW AND THAT I NEEDED TO SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT ALL THIS .... HELP ME BE STRONG AND WHAT IS A GOOD WAY NOT TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY I DONT WANT HIM TO SEE ME CRY...BECAZ EVEN THOUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I DONT WANT HIM TO THINK IM DESPRATE..... what should i sayyyyyyyyy more then that i have tried to make things better and they arint working out so well..............? Link to comment
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