Dating as a game

[hennypenny3288]

Carnelian Butterfly, what I really was trying to say about playing games is not letting your feelings for the other person all come out at once. For example, if you really dig the other person, you should not let them know that off the bat. You should let them know slowly and pull back at times so they aren't thinking that you are SO into them that they can take advantage of you. I advocate guarding your heart that you don't get hurt or taken advantage of. It hurts when your heart breaks after liking a person, investing the feelings, and then having the other person trample on your heart like a used piece of paper. It also hurts if you let the other person know how much you like them and they use it against you. Dating s*cks bigtime.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Keep pulling back and forth is just going to frustrate most people. You can just go slow, you don't have act like that to protect yourself. If I were faced with that I'd kick him to the curb... Oh wait I did do that... I, like most people I know, don't like to have to guess what the person I care about feels towards me. Its not fun wondering "Is this week love or will they be in a pull back period? Do they really care? What to do, what to do?" I think it sounds like a good way to set yourself to get dumped!

[hennypenny3288]

Even if you go slow and take a relationship slowly, you can still invest your feelings in the other person. The other person can still rip your heart into shreds and trample on it. What is the best way to avoid having your heart ripped into shreds? People are mean.

[CarnelianButterfly]

And treating their emotions like a play thing is no less mean. What ever you feel, they can feel, too! Everyone can have their heart ripped out, but that gives no one the right to act like their emotions and feelings are the only ones in a relationship. You have to think what this can do to the other person, if you really do care about them, don't you wonder if you're hurting them?

[Miss M]

It seems the level and intensity of the "games" varies from person to person, as well as the ability to play the games, or tolerate them being played on us.

 

I fall into the zero-tolerance category when it comes to games. I don't do games, and don't want to. They just don't interest me. I've always been that way, and have no interest in changing, and couldn't change even if I wanted to. But for some reason, those who are VERY into games are often interested in me. Of course we don't get along, but that doesn't stop them from trying.

 

From the guys I often inspire the comment, "so, you aren't a game-player..." And they always say they admire that quality in me, but they actually have no idea what to do with a woman like me.

 

As you might have guessed, I also don't have much dating success at all, but now I realize that's to be expected... because the music that I hear... that I dance to... it's a different type of music from so many others ... oh well...

[Miss M]

'Keep them guessing' can get the reaction 'Not worth the effort'.

Oh yes, that would be me. [raising hand] "Zero-tolerance" translates into "not worth the effort" whenever I get the slightest whiff that a game's being played.

[hennypenny3288]

If everybody is so against playing games in dating things, then how do you people propose that one dates in a manner that lessens the probability of being hurt or broken hearted? Dating is a PIA. Relationships are PIA too. Nothing lasts forever.

 

I was never advocating complete game playing where you hoodwink or fool the other person. That would be deceptive and very wrong. I was seeking a method for this dating madness where the casualties dont end up being your heart or your feelings.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think honesty and openness are the best things. Consideration never hurts. You can take care of yourself, but you still need to think about the other people around you.

[hennypenny3288]

Carnelian Butterfly, if you were in my shoes, how would you date, openly and honestly wearing your feelings and emotions on your sleeve? To be picked apart and trampled on by anybody possible?

 

I want the best way to know guys, date, have relationships and not get hurt, or lessen the possibilities of BEING hurt. Being burned once or twice can kill a person's well-being.

[Miss M]

Just for the record, I wasn't suggesting that anyone should be like me. I was just throwing my 2 cents in... my take on things.

 

Of course what I do certainly isn't good for dating when so many others are playing some level of a game (and they really are).

 

Nope, this hasn't worked for me at all, but I can't change it either, and don't want to. And ... well... I haven't been on a date in years... even longer than Kevin T. ;-) And the more posts I read on this board, the more I realize it's certainly possible I could stay forever single.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I've been hurt, badly, but I still remain open and honest, and no I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. You can be open but not vulnerable and tell the person how you feel, if they don't respect you for that or they try to use it against you, they are not worth dating. There is no best way, there is no minimum hurt method, because you have to look at all the people involved, not just yourself.

[Carnatic]

But Carnelian what you just said about not wearing your heart on your sleeve, and being open but not vulnerable is exactly what hennypenny is talking about. Not many people approach dating by going up to a person they see and they like and saying 'I love you, will you go out with me' if you do that you leave yourself open to getting hurt. But neither should you deliberately hold your feelings back becuase you believe doing this makes the other person more interested... It is all about getting a little and giving a little. You show them part of how interested you are in them, if they respond by giving you a little back and showing that they are interested in you then you should show a little more interest. There is an understanding that if someone doesn't do anything to show they are interested in you then you don't do anything to show you are interested in them. Of course someone then has to make the first move and show something, but they won't show it all in one go. This gradual building up of openness is also a gradual building up of trust and it is how people in a forming relationship learn to trust eachother, in lots of little increments where you are expected to share the trust equally. If one person invests all their trust in the other from the start by blurting out 'I love you' before the other has even expressed any interest then the other person doesn't feel the need to invest any trust unless of course they also fell instantly in love... which is fairly rare. So the relationship will be off to a bad start. It is much better to share, and I think that it is this sharing and trusting which the 'game' is all about.

[hennypenny3288]

I have gotten a bunch of interesting responses. I would say the consensus would be to be open and honest in dating and in relationships, show your feelings and expect the other person to do so otherwise. Dating is fraught with perils at every turn. Why would we date and have relationships if only for a short amount of time we would get pleasure and enjoyment? Most relationships end unhappily and we are always faced with the pain and sadness of a dying relationship. Wouldn't that be enough of a deterrence, not to subject our hearts and emotions to a beating? Relationships are a pain and to live as you say, one would be crazy and a maschochist. I, for one, would rather not allow the pain of my heart breaking. Instead, I would date like a pro where feelings are interspersed with suspicion, fear, and a grudging happiness that is fleeting.

[Miss M]

Why would we date and have relationships if only for a short amount of time we would get pleasure and enjoyment?

For those who are the extreme "game-players" dating is just that... something frivolous for the short-term, just for the superficial pleasure and enjoyment, and not deeply meaningful. Unfortunately they often seem very interested in having those "frivolous" relationships with the types of people who are looking for something more, something meaningful and sustained. If all those involved could at least agree we are seeking the same goal, dating would be a lot easier. But often, the goal of the extreme game-player is to pretend to be one thing, when s/he is the exact opposite. And that adds an extra measure of unnecessary pain that we all seem to be trying to avoid. So while you're trying to avoid causing yourself pain, the game-player is actually trying to inflict it on you in a deceptive way, because that's how s/he gets his/her kicks. (Hope this doesn't sound too pessimistic. I probably have a jaded perspective of this since the extreme game-players seem to be especially attracted to me.)

[WTHUWY]

I agree....risk management. Good insite

[RayKay]

There is always a risk of getting hurt, no one can guarantee anything.

 

But unless you take that risk, you will never find that reward either. Unless you can love to your full capacity free of the fear, you will only be living a 'half life', a shallow love.

 

I can't believe I am referring to a Dr Phil show here but...he once had on someone whom felt the same, not wanting to step behind the wall she had built up as she feared getting hurt. He told her, if you step out from that wall, there is a risk of being hurt. But there is also a great chance of finding something amazing. If you stay behind the wall...you will spend a lifetime not only of being hurt, but allowing fear to control you from living your life. What do you choose?

 

No, you should not put it all out on the table immediately, you SHOULD take the time to get to know one another, to allow things to develop, to not rush into things blindly and ignore red flags. You should listen to your gut and your heart. But to deny yourself of even taking the risk, is only more guaranteed to have you hurt in the end, then taking such a risk.

 

The truth is until you find the right one that lasts, 100% of your relationships WILL fail. Not everyone is meant to work out. Not everyone is compatible with everyone. I have had my heart broken and could of decided to spend my life pushing away from me the risk, the love I could of had, but I chose not to. And am I ever glad I did! Pain is part of the journey in life, but there is positives - it deepens your capacity of love, it teaches you appreciation, and strength, it shows you what you really need and want.

 

I truly believe that a life lived where you

date like a pro where feelings are interspersed with suspicion, fear, and a grudging happiness that is fleeting

is really denying yourself the full potential of life and the journey you are on. It's also settling for having fear control your life, rather then you living your life.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I never said that by being open and honest you are required to divulge the contents of your heart and profess you love every time you see them. Relationships built on trust and mutual care are far stronger than one brought about form intrigue and guessing. Being open means you allow yourself to accept the other person for who they are, without looking at their face, their job, or car, you see their personality, their heart and maybe their soul. Being honest means telling them the truth always, that doesn't mean you have to tell them your life story and all the secrets of your heart, what you do do is answer their questions with what is in your heart, if need be only a small part of it.

[Jaela]

Play as many games as you feel you should to feel 'in control', however, be fully prepared if they happen to backfire. I have zero tolerance or patience for severe head games and would never look back. I don't deal well with emotionally dishonest people.

[Carnatic]

I never said that by being open and honest you are required to divulge the contents of your heart and profess you love every time you see them. Relationships built on trust and mutual care are far stronger than one brought about form intrigue and guessing. Being open means you allow yourself to accept the other person for who they are, without looking at their face, their job, or car, you see their personality, their heart and maybe their soul. Being honest means telling them the truth always, that doesn't mean you have to tell them your life story and all the secrets of your heart, what you do do is answer their questions with what is in your heart, if need be only a small part of it.

 

I know... that's the point I was making though. That you said you aren't required to divulge the contents of your heart and Hennypenny didn't say you didn't tell the truth or relationships were built from intrigue and guessing. The point was that the two sides on this board approached dating in the same way just about, it was just when words like 'game' were used that it sounded less romatic and trusting.

[erosadviceman]

Successfully meeting and attracting people, though most won't admit it, is much like a game. You shoudn't do it to lessen the risk of being hurt, but you could lessen your chances with that person if you're too upfront and honest with intentions, if you leave nothing to wander about, it takes away the excitement. Half the fun is the chase. You can build very deep attraction by so called, 'playing hard to get' but modify it. Keep her guessing, interested and wanting a little more.