Worth saying something?

[Daligal83]

I had a friend from undergrad that I was pretty close to. Last year she started a "thing" with a guy and it began to dominate our conversations. This went on for 9 months. Over the summer I'd spend about an hour and a half of my mornings talking to her about him and I actually owed my parents over $200 for going over on my minutes at one point (which I never told her about because I didn't want to hurt her feelings).

 

In my mind, I was a great friend for her. I would help her try to figure out his behavior, reinforce for her that she was a good person and it was all about him. Eventually though, I got sick of it and lately began telling her I didn't have a lot of time to talk everytime she called. I know this can be rude but honestly, she could get get off the phone. It was always, "wait one more thing."

 

One night she called and I was in the middle of a lot of stuff and was about to be picked up to go to the library and when I told her I couldn't talk she got pissed. I could tell and tried to talk to her about it but she started to cry and got a beep from the guy and insisted she had to get off the phone. I texted her twice from the library and called her when I got home and I heard nothing. Actually, we ended up not talking for 3-4 weeks. I was annoyed with her because I thought that I had been a good friend to her and didn't deserve that.

 

So a couple weeks ago I get this random phone call from her asking if I was mad at her. I explained how the conversations were never short and I just couldn't always talk for that long. She told me that she was going to kill herself that night and I was the one she chose to call and it's a good thing her guy called. I told her I was sorry that I wasn't there for her and if I had known I would have called her every ten minutes to make sure she was ok, but I just had no idea. She didn't want to hear it and wouldn't try to talk it over with me at all; she totally shut down and then got off the phone saying she'd call me back. Of course, she never did.

 

My question is, is this friendship worth saving? Am I totally in the wrong and should be apologizing to her? I feel like she just called me to make me feel bad and had no intentions of actually trying to be friends again, but on the other hand she said she was going to kill herself, so shouldn't I be freaking out? Any input would be appreciated...thanks!

[fishrrshortae]

Your friend sounds very needy. I think she just said she was going to kill herself to make you feel bad. From personal experience, these types of friends are looking for attention and want people to feel bad for not revolving thier lives around them. I guess that sounds kind of harsh, but I've had friends who are just like her, and there really only is so much you can do for them. It seems like you tried to be her friend, even when you couldn't always be there for her... If you're at a point where you feel like you don't care for her, it's probably best to move on

good luck!

[blender]

You WERE/ARE a good friend, she is just "unhealthy emotionally" and this is NOT something YOU can "fix". Friendship is a two way street and if you feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" because she might explode, then she's a "toxic" friend. Do not be manipulated into feeling badly about not being able to "stay on the phone" with her. This is about HER not YOU. Set boundaries for yourself with any friend, especially her. No matter what you say or do she will have her issues with it, eventually it's a lose-lose situation. Slowly ween your relationship, conversations, time spent with her down to a little bit of time.

 

Please know that what you are feeling, be it guilt, anger, whatever is something she can "work with" to get what she wants. Those are NOT healthy feelings for you considering how your behavior towards her has been reasonable, and kind.

 

Be confident in the fact that you are a good friend, and simply say, "I tried to be there for you, but perhaps you need someone different than me to talk to, I want you to be happy, but obviously the ONLY one that can make you feel that way is YOU, not me."

 

If you "choose" to be in contact with someone like her, you will eventually start to think YOU are crazy, and you're not, your just being manipulated, not that she even knows she is doing this to you, it's simply her "survival technique and habit of controlling others to get what she wants".

 

Remember you are a good person, and you did your best, you can not jump through hoops to make sure someone is "okay", you can only have your own standards, values, and boundaries, keep them consistent throughout any relationship/friendship and pretty soon you will look on either side of you and only see people you admire as your friends.

 

keep venting here, ask any questions, so many great folks on here with good advice.

[robowarrior]

Helping people is nice, destroying yourself in the process of helping someone = a big NO NO.

 

Look at what you are doing, you are going into debt because you want to help someone.

 

People need to learn to stand on their own legs, that guy is NOT an emergency. Although many people have killed themselves over their partners, in the end what you have to learn in terms of a life lesson here is not to 'follow a path of self destruction'.

 

You have to say to yourself 'STOP, to here and no further' cast the things out of your life that make you go down the hill. They are nothing more then a gateway to hell for you, that you must close.

[Daligal83]

Thank you guys for your advice. I actually haven't talked to her since that phone call, so I'm assuming we're just out of each others' lives. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being cold hearted about the suicide thing, because I have had a friend that killed himself and it's a sore spot for me. I honestly don't miss her friendship because it was completely one sided and I think it's unfair of her to be mad at me for this. How was I supposed to know that the one time in 9 months it was about more than a guy? Actually I don't even know if that's the case because I never got the whole story.

 

Here's another question though. Should I make one last contact to explain to her that she can't make a friendship entirely about herself and a guy and that this is why a distance was created for us? I feel like she should know because I know she does this with other people. Many other people actually. I should probably just leave it alone because at this point she's not going to listen to me anyway and hearing that will just make her think I'm attacking her or something. What do you guys think?

[blender]

Please believe it is NOT your place to EDUCATE her on the ways of life, or how she should behave, the ONLY way to let her know the way she behaves with you or anyone else to is GO AWAY AND STAY AWAY from her, nothing you SAY will penetrate, not NOW, not until some time goes by and YOU can be in a healthier place than thinking that somehow YOU have any power over someone else's actions. YOU were NOT coldhearted, you are being HEALTHY and if you stay HEALTHY long enough and stay away, your HEALTHY attitude will draw other healthy people into your life, YOU are not her HIGHER POWER that is ONLY with in her and whatever GOD she believes in... stay away, it is the most LOVING thing you can do... trust this, it's NOT in your control as to what she does.... or FEELS.... let her go for today...just for now... you will heal and then and ONLY then can you begin to have real meaningful relationship/friendships with anyone. If YOU ever begin to FEEL that you are the CAUSE of someone else behavior, you're thinking WAY to highly of yourself... YOU are wonderful and only deserve wonderful people in your life, CHOOSE to be OKAY with letting her go... YOU are only in control of YOURSELF, so be In control of NOT contacting her... she is in a DESTINY"S hands, you are powerless over that... You're doing so great, keep posting here..

[Daligal83]

I know this thread is old...but there's an update. I ran into this girl once I moved back to the city where we went to college. She goes to my gym and lives on my street, so we'd see each other here and there. I've probably had five interactions with her since late summer/early fall. Lately, she's starting sending me messages on Facebook. She asked something about our gym and I figured she was just trying to get information out of me and not really interested in talking.

 

Well this morning I woke up to a message from her apologizing for everything. She said how much she valued my friendship and how she always went to me and no one else because I'm a rational thinker and was always there for her. She said that she knows now that she was probably overwhelming with her negativity and that she's in a better place now.

 

So I sent her a message back explaining that part of it was the negativity, but it was more that the friendship had become one sided and I felt like what was happening with me didn't matter. I don't know how she'll react to that, but I felt it needed to be said.

 

I don't know if she's looking to become friends again or just wanted to apologize. I miss a lot of what our friendship was because she was SO much fun to be around, but I'm a little nervous about it as well. What do you guys think?

[Batya33]

I am impressed with what she did. Of course you can give her one more chance - it's a personal judgment call.

 

I gave a few chances to a woman like that (including after she dumped me once she met a guy on line and they got engaged and unengaged in the space of 8 months total) until one early morning call February 15 when I said I had to rush out to work (true!) and she wanted me to hang around and hear how she had been on a valentine's day date with one guy, called the guy she really liked from the ladies room, lied and said she was home, and then everyone flushed and her story was down the toilet so to speak. She wanted to know what she should do. that was the last straw - thinking I had time to hear a ridiculous story like that when I had to rush to work.

 

I also found that needy people like that often can turn on you because they're jealous that you're doing ok. One woman after a 2 year close friendship decided it was a good idea to tell me that she had met the woman the guy I liked was also dating (we were not exclusive, and we had a "don't ask don't tell" thing which my friend knew), how nice she was and how serious she claimed to be with the guy. Was it ok for her to be friends with this person?

 

But in other cases I do give a few chances at least, depending but I am a little more cautious each time..... the needy ones who are "train wreck" like this person can be tricky such that sometimes it is better simply to refer them to a good therapist and keep in touch in a surface way if at all.

 

Since she wrote such a nice note, why not, but proceed with caution....

[Daligal83]

Thanks Batya

 

I think if it comes to it, I'd give her another chance. The weird thing to me is that she said in the note that maybe she's off on the whole negativity thing and we just drifted apart due to busy school schedules (at this time she was back in the city where we went to understand and I was about 3 1/2 hours away). I mean something specific happened and we definitely did not just drift apart. I don't get if she just wanted to gloss over it and pretend it didn't happen or what.