Sam BLAZES! 10HR Drive to Get Dumped-Want her Back

[toddb]

A lil history--. GF goes to Italy for three weeks, where we talk everyday on the phone/online. She gets back in Early June and tells me "I Love You" the day she gets back! We've been dating for over 3 months at this point. Wow! What a feeling. 1st time she had ever said that! So i drive her home and then we gotta leave the next day to go to Cleveland for an internshp of hers for 9 weeks. Get to cleveland, I fly home...four days later tells me that 'we went too far too fast" and that she needs her space and just to slow down.

 

2 Weeks later she invites me to come see her in Cleveland. I do. Great Time. Great physical stuff and emotional stuff and talk about the 'space' thing.

 

Two weeks after I visit, she invites me again to come visit, and I do. Same sorta deal-great physical and emotional stuff...

 

Invites me again to come this past weekend...I say I will...

 

So I go to Cleveland. Its a 10 hr drive for me...and the third time and last time I'll make the trip(shes back in two weeks) Well I surprised her Thursday night by not telling her that I was coming, and then showing up(I was supposed to come friday afternoon!) She was shocked, happy, she even cried a lil and said "Oh My God" ten times over and over. Its her 21st b-day as well this Wednesday, so it was sorta an "early" birthday present me showing up early! She gave me a huge hug...but no kiss(like in the past when she hasnt seen me for three weeks). I sorta was weired out by that but whatever...bad day or something.

 

Well on Friday and Saturday, it was weird. She wouldnt hold my hand anymore, she wouldnt kiss me when I tried to kiss her(i stopped trying after the 4th time I didnt get a kiss back) she didnt want me to open and close the door behind her when she got into my car, would make sure she would open teh door first into the restaurant...just lil stuff that was/is so totally different than what she had always done. She showed me her new wardrobe, her new stuff, told me how she had been workin out, got a new hair do...just stuff that was...well different(but down with all of it...but so much at one time!?) Went out to eat at a nice restaurant...talked a lil about how i just want to have fun with her, and 'bout how we can both back off and just play it cool and go slow and have fun just being w/ each other as bf and gf.

 

Sunday: where I knew that it was make it or break it time...I have been hoping to hold out through the end of July(she comes back then from her internship...back home to here and school) but...we didnt. Tells me that "SOME of her feelings have changed...that I think of you in some aspects as a best friend or brother" OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!" I ask her if she wants to be w/ me...she said "I dont know." i ask her if she wants to be my gf anymore..again "i dont know." Ask her what she wants? She said "i dont know what I want with my life, with myself, let alone you, or my friends, or anything else." So I say "lets take a break." She agrees.

 

Says she still cares about me a lot, says how i'm so so special to her, how i'm one of three people that has ever changed the way she thinks about things...and thanks me over and over and tells me how awesome i am to her and for loving her and caring so much.

 

Emotional goodbye as I leave...got in and out of the car four times to cry w/ her and hug her and hold each other and cry a lot more. both of us were very very emotional Tells me that she has to tell me something...just not now. But she tells me its not bad, worse, or the absolute worst than what has just happened...so it CAN ONLY be good right? She tells me to have faith in our feelings, and to go w/ them. what COULD that be?

 

Then as I'm leaving, we're both sobbing so much, crying...i drive off and crying...SHE CALLS ME five mins later to tell me that "I was really upset when u were here..really upset, but when I saw you leave, and I saw you drive off and you're gone, it hurts twice as bad, and is twice as hard, and I want u to call me whenever u get bored or just want to talk...I'll be thinking bout you a lot a lot a lot these next few days.I just wanted to talk to you and tell you that I am hurting a lot a lot right now." I go 'well then that should tell u something about how u feel about me..." andthen we said our goodbyes.

 

IS THAT HOPE? MORE THAN HOPE?

so what do I do? Not call her besides on her birthday? let her be? Send her flowers on her birthday? I WANT HER BACK!!!!!!!!!!! I know I cant push...I cant MAKE her decide, but I want to nudge her back my way...my friends say let her be, figure stuff out, and let her do her thing. She knows I wont be strictly friends w/ her...told her its all of her as a gf, or nothing, no friendship, at least not now. maybe way down the road i said...but not now. HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!!!

[secret_agent_man]

Ouch, sounds a bit painful... I see why you're fighting with this. I know how it goes, trust me. Your friends are right and so are you. You do have to give her space and let her decide, but just flowers or a card to let her know you're still there shouldn't hurt, it's her birthday. Don't push it and call her all the time, or anything like that, just little reminders are about all you can do.

 

I guess it's just up to you to choose to risk waiting for something to happen, good or bad. Or you could choose to move on and just get past it, no matter what she comes to, just don't try to bring her back by showering her with gifts, it's not the right reason for her to come back, and I'm sure you know that already.

 

Good luck, do what's right for yourself...

 

S.A.M.

[dfcannon]

Oh, wow, you have found a live one there! I can see why at the same time you want her and she's tearing you apart. The thing is, I think you have all the right thoughts on this (e.g., it's all or nothing at this point, ask your friends for counsel, give her a break). But, this is not going to help much in your emotional arena. A woman like this would drive me crazy. That basically is my launching point for my next thought: you are now officially single (there really is no room for grey area here...that's what drives ppl nuts), so take advantage of it. Think of anyone and everyone you might like, and take her out with the understanding that you're on the rebound. Girls will respect your honesty and concern for their feelings when you say that. If this ex-g/f wants you back, she needs to work for it and prove herself. I suggest you remain single for 6 months (that's a 6-month rule that's been knocked around for a long time), and that leaves you to option of getting back together with your ex if she straightens herself out. If you do take her back, be sure to set some boundaries for yourself and for the relationship.

 

I do hope you can repair this intense relationship in the future, but passions like this are not any indication of potential for success in the future. The best yardsticks to use are compatible life goals and emotional availability/desire for each person. Right now you don't have either....

[toddb]

Thanks ya'll for replying...I need more! This is gonna take some time to sort with and get all this out, and I do definitely agree w/ the 6-month rule.

 

FYI: Before I left yesterday, I let her know that I WILL be calling her for sure(i left the calling thing mainly up to her) w/in the first week or so of college when it starts back up...we're both graduating seniors in may 04. I told her that then, she will surely have some more things figured out...maybe not all of 'em, but some of them. And It old her that then we can talk, sit down just me and her...and talk about her feelings for me, my feelings for her...and go from there?

 

Good idea or not? Its still 5 weeks away....

 

I was reading AlphaOmega's post from a week or so ago...and about the age 21...any thoughts BOUT THAT AGE, or to reverse culture shock(she's from a small farm town of 800 people now living in a city of 3.1Million for two more weeks..a total of 9) especially having visited Italy?

 

Hit me up w/ ANY OTHER advice, guys and girls....I've heard in these forums that some say "call every week, just once, to say hey, i still care and love you" others say not to call at all...or if you do...dont let her know u still care....any thoughts?

[bzborow1]

Give her time alone. Remember the phrase absense make the heart grow fonder? Obviously you can't make someone have feelings for you, that's just not how the game works. You are right in sending the flowers on her birthday, but don't put anything "mushy" or say "i love you" on the card. It has to be of the "just because i care" variety. Why? Because if you say the I love you's you risk coming accross as the poor EX BF that she broke the heart of.

 

As hard as it may seem, I would suggest that you not call her for a while. If she phones you that's perfect, but otherwise I think you just got to give her the space she requested and see if she comes back for you. It REALLY sucks to be in a powerless position, but have faith in knowing if it was meant to be, she'll be back.

 

"if you set it free, and it comes back, it was meant to be".

 

Good Luck.

 

Bill

[dfcannon]

I can sympathsize with your position. I've been in it, and guess what, it happened a lot when I was 21, and now I'm 37 and it doesn't. The biggest difference is that I have developed my own sorta "policies," which is a crummy word, but it's really a sense of myself and knowing what I want and will tolerate. So, here's how I'd answer your follow-up questions:

 

1) Age 21 - You're on the brink of graduating out of the college system into the real world, and things are going to change a lot for both of you. It's not clear where you'll have to move, or what changes will take place in your world view. If you two can't manage to get on the same track soon, your chances of reuniting after graduation get more slim with every passing day. Women at 21 are not necessarily so confused, except that in our society, people are treated like children until they're 21 (e.g., drinking age) and that can affect someone's view of herself. When I was 21, many women thought that getting married or committing to a man would stifle their careers and lives, so the thing to do was wait "until you're ready" and then presto, Mr. Right will be there. Doesn't work that way, though. I suspect that a 21 year-old now doesn't have that kind of feminist baggage. She's going to have to deal with an even-more complex world, though, where it's very hard to stay with 1 person.

 

2) Culture shock - I have lived in London and Hong Kong, and as a matter of fact, returned from Hong Kong at age 21. Yes, living abroad changes your outlook and values, so maybe you are growing apart from her. I was more mature after spending 2 semesters in Hong Kong, not less, so I suspect her issues lie elsewhere.

 

3) Call vs. not call - This is such an agonizing question, and my philosophy on it is that it's simply up to you. Whatever feels comfortable and natural. Generally speaking, when a woman starts to lack respect for you, it's better to not call. But if you never call, then you'll never talk. So, sounds like you'd be justified in calling when you think sufficient time has passed. I not think that "icing" her is a good idea. If you're going to ever have a relationship, it needs to come from the heart. If she doesn't like a call, it's her problem, not yours...and her loss.

 

4) Powerless - I know what the responder was trying to say about "powerless," because what he meant was you can't change her feelings. However, I want to raise an issue with this word choice, because it may send the wrong message. You are completely powerful and in control...of yourself, and of where this relationship goes. You can, for instance, choose to end it today and never call her and never accept her back. Even though women do hold the cards regarding whether to accept or reject a guy's moves, the guy does hold that quiet little countercard, whereby he can choose to walk at any time. That's the card that few guys, including me, ever understand until they have a lot experience. Know that you are in charge of what you do next, not her.

[toddb]

Thats what I'm talkin about...thanks for the advice and KEEP IT FLOWING!

 

A lil more info...I'm soon to be 23(october) she obviously turns 21 here in two days...

 

I do understand the control thing...although I think that when a person is in love...especially to the depth that I am...that "counter" card is VERY reassuring...but not something guys like me WANT to use because we R in love...however, it is a nice piece of hardware to have.

 

I do also understand the graduating not getting together bit...and you're right, to a degree(i'm an optimist!) that it does get harder...but how much harder...I hope I dont have to find out, but I may...when we graduate and IF we're not together. Everybody in here is right on about the age 21 and about the challenges that we as kids(we're still kids!) face in staying/keeping a relationship going.

 

Whats anybody take on this girl being a commitment phobe? her last LONG term relationship lasted 3yrs...through HS to the first year of college...and he cheated on her badly...since then, my 5 mos have been THE LONGEST and MOST intense relationship she's been in...any takes?

 

Calling everybody is right...what feels natural. I think that its best if i give MORE time than "normal" to her. I will send flowers for her b-day to her work...and call her as well(it is a huge birthday!) and that'll be it till she calls me, or she comes home...now is anybody gonna answer this meeting thing at the start of the school year...good or bad idea?

[dfcannon]

Glad to help...

 

You can even be an optimist and say it'll be harder after graduation...reason is that there are other great girls out there and the longer time passes, the better chance you'll meet someone else. You pursue your dreams, she pursues hers, and you could grow apart and it'd not be a bad thing, it'd be natural and good.

 

...on the meet when school starts thing, I say definitely, if you still want to, you should without question. Why not? She's either coming back with her heart open or not, right? If she balks at the idea, or feels "pressured," it has nothing to do with the meeting itself. It's her inability to work out her internal issues. Now, if you called her every day and begged her to come back, that would be different, but that's not what we're talking about at all.

 

Let us know how this all works out, and good luck...

[kdreger]

Hello everyone!

 

It's Mr. Bad News here.

 

You know what this sounds like to me? She curious about another guy or wants to date other guys. Grass is greener and all that. Women are an odd creature. Although she loves you, she is going to fight that love for the opportunity to explore dating other guys. Nothing you can do. So even though she crys and such... she's going to stay distant.

 

What can you do? DO NOT GROVEL OR PLEAD.

 

If you want this to, in any way, go your way. You have to both give her space and NOT get emotional!! This is very very important. All you will be doing by getting upset and showing this is make her feel like you're baggage and you were incredibly lucky getting her. NOT WHAT YOU WANT. You've cried once - THAT'S ENOUGH. She's seen you upset - now you have to appear confident and strong. She's made her decision and you in your manhood have accepted it and you're getting on with your life - her loss.

 

By playing it cool, she will wonder about you. She will think... hmmm... he's pretty cool about this whole thing. She will start to wonder if you're getting on with your life and if she was lucky to have you. She will start to look at guys as not comparable to you as you're such a strong confident man. I mean don't be indifferent or mean but cool... you're happy to talk to her BUT you don't bring up the break or ask her any questions about her dating life.

 

In essense, it's a battle of wills. Who is the weakest here. Will you break down and sob saying you want her blah blah or will she break down seeing you get on with life without her.

 

Trust me, I've been there and I know from experience what happens and why it happens. You still have a chance but it's a tight rope.

[toddb]

forgot to mention...gave her the Green Lucky Care Bear and a book by her favorite Author to her on Saturday as a "Early" Birthday present...flowers or no??????

 

i wanna hear anybody else's take on anything said, anything i've said, or just expand on what you have said as well!!!

[dfcannon]

...she just dumped you and you're talking about Care Bears and flowers!? Okay, I agree with some of the things that kd is saying. You need some of us older guys to shake some sense into you...you are being way too smothering, available and wimpy in her eyes when you go down that road. Now's the time to just chill, back off and blow her off in the same way she's blowing you off. You will only dig a deeper hole by showering her with affection (ie rewarding her) for her hurtful and erratic behavior. I'm not saying dump her for good, but get on with things and regroup with her after school starts...call once or twice if you must, but keep it casual.

[toddb]

The gifts were given to her before she dumped me...I had a slight notion that maybe things were going down the tank, but do guys ever really know whats going on w/ a girls mind? nooooooo

 

So you're right, I do have some sense thats been knocked into me...the smothering bit and all that stuff has stopped...totally...and the flowers tomorrow are way out of the question....all I can do now is sit and do my thing and not wait for her...but wait and do what I CAN to get my life back into order

[dfcannon]

...exaaaactly. now if only I'D had someone to give me this advice at 23...lol

[toddb]

I do agree..this forum has been a great source of outpouring for me and for information/advice on what in the truck I should do.

 

Whats everybody's take on talking once ever...10-14 days till school gets back(thats only two or three more times till late august) so she keeps me IN her mind...cause If I'm not in her mind...I will have NO chance whatsoever...or should I just completely not call after her birthday tomorrow?

[dfcannon]

Call her on her b-day and try to avoid relationship talk, even if she tries to bait you or spouts off. Then give it a rest until school starts. 2 weeks is nothing. Believe me, she will not forget you in 2 weeks! She has way too much control if you're thinking like that. Let her wonder what you're thinking for a change...

 

...and by the way, I understand the appeal of a girl like this. All that passion and sexuality. But to have a girl like this, you need to become the expert on this type. In terms of commmitment-phobia, she's an "active avoider." That means she comes on super-strong with all guns blazing, her heart wide open, and then when she has you completely sucked in, THEN she evaluates whether she really wants you, and she does that while feeling you're too close and smothering. So, back you go like getting shot out of a cannon, wondering what just happened. (Hint: a lot of those things she says are insincere, and her tears are tears for her own pain, not for losing you and hurting you). In reality, she's one part soulmate, one part irrational vial of female chemicals...lol. It's that completely hopeless bag of chemicals part you need to see clearly, especially in your weakest moments. You almost have to roll your eyes sometimes and put her in her place (with a wink and a smile of course). She NEEDS that, because otherwise she gets overwhelmed with the pressure of everything she had built up. You respond to her as she wants, but then she doesn't like it when that happens. It's pretty flaky, but again, I understand the attraction. Just learn how to swing the pendulum in your direction, and remember the pendulum will swing wildly with this a girl like this.

[secret_agent_man]

In reality, she's one part soulmate, one part irrational vial of female chemicals...lol. It's that completely hopeless bag of chemicals part you need to see clearly, especially in your weakest moments.

 

Well said! It almost sounds harsh, but it's the truth. You need to see the balance, and understand where she's coming from when she goes from side to side...

 

S.A.M.

[toddb]

so alright.......the pendulum does and has swung very very wildly...or at least has in the past month.

 

There's more info and maybe this will help too..or not.

 

I asked her whether all this started in Italy...or when she came back and went to Cleveland. She said it started In Cleveland...DEFINITELY NOT IN ITALY..and not right away, but w/in the two weeks or so. So.....with that being said...

 

Nobody wants a girl thats not sure w/ what she wants...but you're right, a girl like this is sooooooooooo very alluring, and awesome, especially when things are going great(which they were for four months!). So this is the kind of girl i want to be with (passionate, caring...strong) BUT ONLY if she gets what she wants figured out!

 

So...

 

How do I roll my eyes, put her in her place(with the wink and a smile) and not be with her...BUT WORKING for her back(although I cant do much work for it!) since we are broken up? And...if we do get back together...or for any other girl like this(i'm seem to date girls like this but not always w/ the same result) that I do date...how do I control it?

 

the focus though still needs to be what/how do I do the things I need to do to get her back...and keep her in her place w/ all these chemicals and stuff....

 

As for the soulmate part...you're dead on. We think, act, and do things a LOT alike...till obviously this. But even I've been guilty of what she did to me...to an ex of mine. So again...we are so much alike...

 

Also...what do u think of this? lets say we get back together...and after 4-5 months of doing this again...she goes FIRST..."I love you."

(and I feel the same way).

 

Do I say: "I Love you too! Wow! I feel the same way!"

B: "I Love you. But lets take this slow, and just chill and go

with our feelings and see where it takes us."

C: "You mean a lot to me. I do love you."

D: Smile and give her a huge hug.

E. FILL IN YOUR OWN.

[dfcannon]

The best way to get her back, assuming she's not too far gone already, ironically, is to not try to get her back (overtly). The biggest problem you have right now is that you're all over her (in her mind, anyway) and she feels it's too much. So, if you speak tomorrow, be a little more mysterious and non-committal. Talk more about non-relationship stuff, wish her happy b-day, make it brief and then be the one who ends the conversation. You're wise to call her on her b-day, I think, because if you don't, she'll be sure to twist that one around on you if you end up back together. (One day out of the blue she'll come out with "You never remember important days" or "You don't pay attention to me" or something silly like that.) I think the key is to be the one who ends the conversation and say something like "talk to ya later babes." Something affectionate, but that mildly puts her in her place. Then let her stew for 2 weeks on what that meant, and wonder what you're thinking.

 

Otherwise, if you come in blazing again, it'll just "confirm" in her mind that you're a helpless sap (I'm not saying that you really are), and she'll have 2 weeks to practice her "let's just be friends" speech. lol...get my drift?

 

I'm not surprised that this happened in Cleveland, as I said, I doubted it was due to the time in Italy. There may be some Guy X out there, but I don't think he's more compatible for her than you are...it's really her internal issues. If she does run off with some other guy, though, just be glad she's someone else's headache and go find a better girl.

 

So, here's an exercise to try: replace the image you have of her from "You're the absolute most fantastic...The One" with something like "You are such a lovable, sweet, agonizing little sack of emotions" and see how the words come out of your mouth in the future. lol On your list of A...E, they all are good and apppropriate, depending on the circumstances. For example, after a long night of sex, if she whispers I love you, you might want to accept and return that. If she throws it out one day when you're bumming around, make a goofy face at her and pinch her cheek. Know what I mean? Or any variation of that. Just don't get sucked into this Romeo and Juliet thing so much, or you'll both be drinking vials of poison together. When you sense that things are swaying too far one way, pull back the other. When things are more stable, you can initiate these words, too.

 

Judging from the number of hits on your thread, I think you're dealing with something universal, only more extreme. So, I hope this is helping a lot of guys (and girls) out. Let us know how it goes!

[toddb]

What up...well here's the update:

 

Her best friend supposed to fly out there last night(today is her b-day) to be w/ her at midnight for her birthday, and then leave Friday...well..a lady in a wheelchair hits the plane's door, breaks the seal...long story made short...flight cancelled...best friend has to fly to detroit where she gets a hotel(for free) and left this morning for cleveland(she's already there).

 

So...wasnt plannin on callin her till today during work/after work, BUT, since her best friend wasnt there...i called her a lil after midnight her time.

 

Blah blah blah wished her a happy 21st birthday, told her I was trying to squeeze in right after midnght, and told her that I hoped she was havin lots of fun. She got EMOTIONAL from pretty much the FIRST 30 SECONDS that I called, I could tell, but I didnt want to ask why, or if she was...so I didnt...just asked if she had a cold ;-)

 

she said no, she as just sad...cause because"a lot of things are making me sad...and cause my best friend isnt here." I'm like "yeah that sucks...i'm sorry to hear that. But just wanted to wish ya a happy birthday, and to see hopefully you were having fun and stuff..." I continued on and was like "well hey, dont want to interrupt anything fun..." and she goes "oh...no, I'm not doing anything exciting at all." I'm like 'well...have a happy birthday but I gotta let u go here ina few cause i'm gonna go for a run..." and she almost cried but she stopped

and she pulls THE DREADED(and i wasnt counting on it) "WHAT, YOU DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME?"

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH I GOT RETARDED and said "oh no, I do...just wasnt sure how busy you were...but I got a few mins more...."

 

GRRRRR!! I realize how dumb that was NOW...but at the time...what was I supposed to say?

 

Anyways...we talk more, NEVER about the break up or anything, I kept it fun and light(at least from my end) and I oculd tell that she wasnt likin that...uneasy laughs & little sighs and u could hear the tears building and little "giggles" that were those sad giggles that all girls do...she just wasnt herself, DEFINITELY wasnt having fun on her night, and i could tell that she loved talkin to me, but was sad about it at the same time. MAYBE MISSING ME A LOT MORE THAN SHE EXPECTED??? she was hating the fact that I was playing smug, playin it cool...never acting emotional or anything(that was after the phone call) She also told me that SHE WAS gonna call me yesterday...but got caught up at work or something...she just let it pass. I go "well hey, call me whenever u want...whatever time..." she goes "ok." Cause YOU ALL KNOW that after today...I am not calling her for at least two weeks...maybe longer...she's gonna have to call me!

 

She has to remember that I was plannin on takin off from work for her birthday...and I'm not there, and i'm hopin that that is floating through her head, because I WOULD'VE been there if we were still together. maybe another reason why she was sad?

 

So her phone gets cut off when we're talkin about her work, my work, wahtever...and I WAS NOT gonna call her back...she was gonna have to call me back if she wanted to talk more...

 

And she did.

 

She said that she felt that it wasnt her birthday, that it wasnt her time even for a summer, that it wasnt even a summer, and that nothing had really gone the way she wanted. She goes "I have something to tell you..." and i'm like all tensed w/ JUST A LIL hope FLOATING through my head...she goes "This just hasnt been my summer...I like my job and all, but just everthing is so different, so off...It doenst feel like anything is really real anymore. Its all crazy, being here and all...I dont know what I even really want to do, or really even want..." or something like that...so I tell her that yeah, my summer has been crazy too, work, umpin, job...just sorta talkin about what i felt, but NEVER bringing up us or her.

 

So we talked for 15 more mins(a total of about 45 mins) and then I'm like "well hey babe, happy birthday again but I gotta let u go in a few to go on my run before it gets past 11ish." And she's all like sorta actin tough "ok ok...talk to u later...."

 

then she goes "Wait...Todd...thank you, thank you thank you for calling." She got emotional again, and goes "it means a lot, it really does, that you called. Thank you." I go "you're welcome...thanks for calling back! I'll try and call you tomorrow if I have time to see how the night went, but no promises...have a happy birthday babe and I'll talk to u later!"

 

She goes "ok...bye."

I go "Happy birthday...bye."

 

SO NOW...ANY ANY ANALYSIS? ANY HELP? Do i even call her today for 2-3mins (i'm at work so good good excuse to let her go early) and wish her a happy birthday night tonight...do I just chill and MAYBE call later in the evening(keepin her on her toes if I do call since I said I might call today?) NOT CALL AT ALL............WHAT?

 

Diggin for hope...needin advice on what to do next....dont want a friendship out of this!!

 

T

[secret_agent_man]

Oh man, after all of that, I know I'd call. Maybe people feel otherwise, but after that conversation, she was trying to tell you she misses you. I don't think you did anything wrong, you were trying to seem like you weren't coming on too strong...

 

Works for me, like I said, I'd call...

 

S.A.M.

[toddb]

I did call....talked for three mins or so...which is what I was planning on...she seemed distant to a degree...which I instantly picked up on...but she was tellin me how good her cake was at work, told me where she went to eat, and what they did for her birthday at work...dont know about you, but when girls give details, its always a good thing...any more advice from anybody?

[dfcannon]

Ahhh...Toddb...you had her in the pallm of your hand and then you called! It's okay though. Your strategy and self-control was breaking her into pieces, but not because you were hurting her. She was hurting herself, and she knew it!! Then when you called again so soon, you noticed how the pendulum had shifted a bit again...

 

You played her like a pro. Now look, this is not about hurting her feelings. She's the one hurting her feelings. It's about you two getting back together, and believe me, I am pulling for ya. You calling merely to say hi and what's up is NOT hurtful. It's hurtful only because she dumped you and she knows she's alone for her own stupidity.

 

You were NOT stupid to say I've gotta run. She was totally taking the bait, and her response was trying to put the burden back on you. But when you take the burden, look what happens almost every time.

 

This girl needs a cool guy to get her centered. You're her guy. I hope she sees it. I think now she needs to reciprocate and call you, or else you wait until school and call her, casually. She'll probably say WHY DIDN"T YOU CALL. You could give lots of reasons..."Oh end of summer was such a blast I was..."(that will crush her, but you'll be fine, then when she gets upset tell her truthfully you thought about her)...or if you're feeling really adventurous, tell her "You seemed a little distant on the phone, and I thought you needed space. I know I need mine sometimes."

 

Look, you're doing well in getting her back. This is a very tough case, but your are showing your powers of intuition and showing that you are right for her. Remember what I said about "lovable, sweet, agonizing little bag of emotions.." well, the first word is lovable. That should help you in this endeavor. You're not trying to be mean AT ALL. You're just clarifying that you're a human being with his own boundaries. She'll love that and gain new respect for you. Let us know how it goes...

[toddb]

well her friend got back today from Cleveland, and I picked her up at the airport. INSTANTLY her friend brings up how "they met some guys in the airport and they took my ex and her friend out w/ some of my ex's other friends and bought EVERYTHING...drinks, etc." She goes on to tell me how much fun they had that night and everything....I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU...

 

BUT I SMELLED A TRAP!

 

So I played it cool, played it off, didnt say anything, didnt get pissed...just asked if they had fun and stuff...her friend said yeah, they had a lot of fun. I said cool, sweet, thats awesome...

 

Well her friend goes on and tells me how "i didnt think u would ask, but yes, she still does have your pics up in her room and in her office. and when I saw your CSU sweatshirt you gave her(my fav FAV sweatshirt I gave her before Italy to wear..and to Cleveland I let her borrow it too...it meant A LOT A LOT for me to give that up! and when I was there this past weekend I took away my CSU t shirt cause we broke up, but left the sweatshirt to make her look at and think about what she's giving up!).

 

So her friend goes "yeah, i saw your CSU sweatshirt sitting out(meaning she had been wearing it and/or cuddling with it) & I asked her wow, u still have that. My ex said excitedly yea, she did, but then sadly goes "but he took his csu t shirt back and that sucks."

 

So...that made me chuckle a bit, we talked more about the trip, asked her if my ex had said anything about me callin her on her birthday, (she said yes my ex did mention it out of the blue) and then we talked about the birthday and all that jazz...

 

I kept it cool, and just said thats so awesome u had a good time, blah blah blah. I then told my ex's friend that "i was hoding my breath mon and tuesday...but from wednesday on, I cant, and I wont, because if she chooses to come back to me, SWEET, RIGHT ON, FRIGGIN AWESOME...all she has to do IS WALK accross THE BRIDGE HERSELF...but if she doesnt, life goes on, I live it awesomely and have the most fun and will be totally alright." then told her how i went to the college town we live in last night, and am going out again tonight(i'm sure her friend will say all that to my ex...) so I dont want to come off as a pu**y whipped dude...good or bad?

 

We got to her friends place, dropped her off, and go "did my ex mention anything else bout me?"

 

Her friend goes "yeah...she said u were a cool guy."

I go "yeah duh..." and she goes "Well that was a given already then."

 

and that was it.

 

so now....any analysis onwhat to do next? the friend isnt talking, my ex isnt talking, I'm obviously not calling my ex....what to do? what to do w/ the friend?

 

Thanks for everybody pulling for me! It means a lot that people actully give two s**ts that we get back together....thanks so much for the advice and keep it coming!

[dfcannon]

Well, toddb, you definitely have her respect back...calling you a cool guy and all. I think you handled yourself very well in light of her friend's MEAN comments about the guys they met and all the fun they had. Honestly, I think she's a real creep to say that to you, and yes, it was a trap. The only other thing you can do in a situation like that is think fast and talk about some fun thing YOU did with some hott girls, which you basically did. That was a GOOD move.

 

There's no doubt the friend was doing a little spying and negotiating, but I think more the former than the latter. So you did fine. I'm not sure I'd leave the bridge so wide open after what your ex did, but that's really your call. I'd probably say I'd consider opening the bridge for traffic. But at this point, your ex is still unattached, and I say lob in a call when school starts. I don't think she deserves a call out of the blue until then. Get together for something casual, and if you're anything like me and most other guys, having your eye on other girls will take the pressure off this meeting, too. (I mean figuratively, not checking out girls to make her jealous).

 

It's hard to read more into it, but my sense is that the friend's reply about the birthday call (your ex mentioned it out of the blue) is not too good. On the one hand, she's playing it cool, but that was also an icy thing to say. You also asked a lot of questions about your ex, but the friend did not relay much from the ex that indicated she really wants you back...seems like sentimental stuff to me. So, it's still too one-sided, from what I can see. But that's just "preparation for the worst." I still think your ex will play out the same script with any guy until she straightens herself out, so she would be wise to give you another shot imo. May not be mature enough, but then again, two weeks of the silent treatment may be just what she needs.

[toddb]

Well its monday, so here goes....

 

nothing happened over the weekend, but questions came up nonetheless...AND I remembered a few things....first off is when her best friend was in cleveland, my ex made a point of showing her friend where I took her out to eat, and talked about how much fun, how nice and fancy it was...also talked about how much fun she had when i was there...

 

1--What to do/say when she calls, ESPECIALLY if she brings up the relationship?

 

2--How do I remain the three C's (cool, calm, collected) when/if she does call?

 

3--IF she asks for me back, whether now or at the end of august(again big IF!) how do I retain my sense of "mystery" yet still show her that I want her back(IF I DO AT THAT POINT!)

 

4--do i tell her how bad she hurt me the next time we talk "seriously" aka at the start of school?

 

5--What to do if she asks to "see" me when she drives through on her way back home? Assuming I do accept that she stops...how do I act, what do I say(obviously she wants to see me if she's asking)

 

I'm only asking somewhat positives because I already have the "negatives" worked out---AKA MOVE ON LIKE I AM AND KEEP A SMILE ON MY MELON AND MY SHOULDERS BACK AND have fun and check out all the dam fine ladies out there

 

t