Extremely jealous of a good friend ( long post )

[Cyberchick]

Hi all,

 

I have this really good friend who I like alot but sometimes I feel like she has such an ego. Now to be fair, I have an extremely low self esteem and I have never thought much of myself. I know she's very talented --- she's a great singer, she's got a great job with the government, she's very athletic and is really talented in sports. I'm not really any of those things --- I'm a good singer but not as strong as she is, I'm not athletic, and I'm still in school. She doesn't brag overtly, but she lets it be known that she knows she's very talented. It's worse when she tries to downplay it but really she knows how good she is. She's always saying she knows she's confident and it rubs me the wrong way. I know that's my issue but it still bothers me that she feels the need to verbalize it.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is when it comes to her and dating. She's very attractive now, but wasn't at all in junior high and high school. She's the case of the ugly duckling turning into the beautiful swan. She's very thin and has a great body, with very large brown eyes and very defined jawline, and silky black hair. She's east indian and very exotic looking. I guess I'm jealous of her because I too was very unattractive in high school and although I'm more attractive now, I never turned into that beautiful swan and have had many, many men reject me. All the guys seem to drool all over her, and I know she really enjoys the attention and the compliments. There's nothing wrong with that, if I got the attention too I'm sure I'd enjoy it. But I do feel like she flaunts the fact that all these guys want her. She hangs out with a group of guys who she plays ultimate frisbee with and they have all had crushes on her. She mentions this to us frequently, like she'll always say " Every single one of those guys has liked me, but I don't want any of them ". She finds different ways to slip this in in conversations with us, and I feel like saying " Okay, I f***ing get it, they all think you're hot... move on. "

 

I went to a frat party a few years ago because there was a guys she liked there and she wanted me to be a buffer for her in case it didn't work out. All the guys wanted to be with her and I ended up sitting in a corner by myself because none of those guys noticed me at all. I felt like the fat east indian friend. She ended up ditching me when the guy she was there for wanted to hook up with her. I was upset at her at the time, but I've forgiven her for it. She IS a good friend, very supportive. Still I can't forget the fact that when she and I are side by side, guys will naturally go for her and overlook me.

 

Whenever she has a date where she ends up not likinking the guy romantically and she's telling us all about it, she will inevitable say " well, I think he's nice, and he DEFINITELY likes ME... " She recently had dates with 4 guys, and she was telling us how she didn't feel a spark with any of them. She said " They are all great guys but I didn't feel anything for them. They are hot, and nice, and they all REALLY liked me and call me... " I had to roll my eyes, she just sounded so arrogant. And even though she's not interested in them, she's letting one of them cook her dinner. She says the guy knows that she's not interested but I don't know that he does if he's interested in her and offering to cook her dinner.

 

There's this guys from her frisbee club that's been in love with her and is always trying to impress her and I totally think that she takes advantage of his affections and lets him do things for her. I personally think she gets off on the fact that these guys want her more than she wants them because of the fact that she will always mention that they all want her but she soesn't want them.

 

I know I'm jealous because the guys that want her tend to be very hot, the sort of sterotypical good looking guys that would never take a second glance at me. It just seems so easy for her --- she meets a good looking guy, finds him attractive, and he will inevitably find him attracitve as well. I wish I knew what that was like. She's very confident, but it feels like egotism sometimes.

 

Other friends of mine are bothered by her arrogance when it comes to guys too, so I know I'm not alone in these feelings.

 

I feel bad because I do have a boyfriend who's great, and I do find him attractive, but I wouldn't have picked him out of a lineup. When I met him I thought he was kind of cute but I wasn't bowled over. The attraction grew over time. And before I met him I was a complete dating loser. Guys here seldom notice me at all. I secretly always harbored that desire to be the girl who commands the attention of a whole room, like she does.

 

My jealousy is standing in the way of being happy with my life. I feel like I never measure up to her. How do I get over it? I know this is my issue. I want to just enjoy my friendship with her but she's always talking indirectly about how great she think she is, and I already feel so inadequate it's really hard to see past that.

 

Sorry about this rant. I just had to let it out.

[Cyberchick]

Sorry, this post probably should have gone under " Jealousy. " I'll post it there too.

[Mrocza]

There is more to a person than looks...but you know that.

 

Even if she is bright and talented and successful, she has an ugly ego, which makes beautiful people very ugly.

 

It's ok to be a little envious of her attention, but it's worse if she always tries to rub it in. It's almost as if she is trying to convince herself of it, but over exaggerating it so others can view her as this amazing sex bomb.

 

You don't need to measure up to her. You'll never be her and she'll never be you. If her attitude bothers you, approach her with it the next time she brings it up.

 

Tell her straight up: ____ I think you're awesome too, so you don't need to remind me, you know.

 

Or...

 

It must suck having all these guys liking you but your expectations are that high.

 

Lol, ok thats catty.

 

I had a friend like yours. I consider us equally pretty and sometimes I find myself more attractive, but I have low self esteem most of the time because of personal issues and she's this arrogant, materialistic snob of a girl who treats people like crap and dislikes "ugly people".

 

She made herself so big and put people down with her little rants that I started feeling inadequate. Then I realized I had no reason to be. I pointed out her shallow behaviour on many occasions and cut off the friendship. I'm not going to hang around someone toxic like her.

 

Maybe you shouldn't either?

[robowarrior]

You have to understand that you have to row with the boat that you have. Imagine you where in her position, if you had all the beauty the glory and the succes she is currently having, then it would be most likely that it would have gone up to your head too.

 

But what you have to understand is , that what you are seeing are only temporarily strenghts and weaknesses. What really matters in life is the inner love you posses for others, and helping other people. This is the true spiritual beauty which is of very much more value then the materialistical beauty she is putting on display. The idea of 'life isn't fair' is false, in the end everyone has had to earn what they receive in life. Ok the gras is greener at the other side of the fence, all the more reason to really start working hard on yourself, and making the most of your own life.

 

Also don't deem her off as 'evil' , because you have to earn everything yourself in life what you earn, jealousy is a very 'useless' attribute, that only brings misery into the life of yourself and others. Be happy for her that she is blessed with all of these things instead, and work hard on loving and helping other people to have light within yourself.

 

There will always be people better and worse then you , in the end you cannot jump into their bodies and claim their lives. As said before you are captain of your own ship, that it takes a course and direction that you want to be into that is what you have to ensure.

 

For you, she is a very unhealthy friend. Because you can't 'deal' with people like her at this moment. What you need desperatly is to start BELIEVING in yourself. And in the end that is what separates losers from winners, winners believe in themselves , no matter how much they lose in life they keep on trying and in the end they win.

 

I feel sorry for your bf tho, i think its so horrible what you said about him with the pickup line etc, you should have loved him for who he is, not because thats all what you could get.

 

Please one advice PINCH thru all the fakeness, and all these 'earthly' not mention worthy things in life. Im ugly and i couldn't be happier because i love myself completely. Im greatfull for everything i have received in life, and i learned the hard lesson that you should never look at what you don't have in life , but only look at the things you DO have in life.

 

A lot that you did get in life has been left unappreciated by you.

[Cyberchick]

Hi... Thanks for your input... Like I said, she's still really supportive, she does have a good heart, and she has always been there for me when I have needed her. She really is one of my best friends. It's this side of her that I really don't care for.

 

Someone told me what you did... that it's like she's trying to convince herself that she's so great. She's not married and I know she's hopin to find the right guy but she's incredibly picky. I'm not so much. But my friend thinks her attitude is a combination of thinking she's so great with the confusion of not knowing why she hasn't found the right person yet and needing to always remind herself of what a great catch she is.

 

She's not nasty, doesn't talk badly about people, will always see the good side of people, and is very forgiving. She's fun to be around. And she was there for me when my dad died. These are all reasons she's my friend. But when she's always talking about how much all these guys want her, that's when I get turned off. But I'm sure if I felt better about myself, I wouldn't feel so jealous.

 

lol... maybe I will try saying to her next time " It must suck having all these guys liking you but your expectations are that high. "... Knowing her, that'll just go over her head. Or she'll agree and just talk more about much everyone wants her.

 

I feel like I'm in junior high. For God's sake, I'm 29! I hate this side of myself.

[Arrowsmith]

I once had a friend that I was similarly jealous of (in my case too, the jealousy revolved around dating - probably a common theme). My thoughts on the subject: if hanging out with a person hurts you, you shouldn't hang out with that person. On the other hand, if you get a lot out of the friendship (support, companionship, etc.) weigh that against your jealously in making your decision.

 

I read an interesting study once that said that poor people who live among poor people are happier than poor people who live among rich people. Makes sense, right? Our concepts of ourselves -- our strengths and weaknesses, how fortunate or unfortunate we are -- comes from a comparison with the people that immediately surround us. How else could you make these judgements?

[Cyberchick]

Robowarrior, I'm not going to apologize for saying I wouldn't have picked my boyfriend out of a lineup based on his LOOKS ( maybe I didn't mention that ). He is hands down the most amazing man I have ever met and my best friend. I do find him attractive. But I was being honest. I think we can look at our SOs objectively and know that if we were strangers I wouldn't have approached him. It's okay to see our partner's downfalls, even the physical ones, and address them, but make a choice to accept the person even with those flaws. But he is beautiful to me! And he's good for me. I know I don't appreciate him as much as I should and I will work on that. Maybe I shouldn't have worded that sentence about the pickup line the way I did.

 

I never said she's evil... I said she has an ego, which others have noticed as well. But I also pointed out that it's largely my issue, my inadequacies. I appreciate your tips on how I can get over this issue.

 

Friends are allowed to have ugly sides to them, it's okay. But it's nice to be able to talk about my irrational feelings with others sometimes.

[robowarrior]

You have to change your attitude towards her and give her some slack space, Its how the other person says it, your basically the 'poor' person who has a 'rich' friend, you need to stand strong in your shoes and say im happy with what i am, and i am able to live with the contrast of my friends life.

 

This is quite a wall, and my advice is to go 'blind' , simply blindly love your friend for who she is, and pinch thru all the other stuff. Of course her ego will run high if everyone is giving her much attention, and just like a rich guy telling a poor person how rich he is wouldn't make the poor person happy, the same counts for you.

 

Im not sure if you can 'live' with this, if you can't maby you should give her up as a friend, if your unwilling to do that which i expect, then you must 'adapt' and live with the pain that this gives you.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Cyberchick.

 

I just wanted to comment on your thread....

 

I can understand where you're coming from regarding your friend. I am sure you feel guilty for having these feelings toward her, considering all her good qualities...but what strikes me is the fact that you never mentioned that she ever compliments YOU or makes YOU feel good, and THAT is REALLY an important aspect here. Think about it. When you're around her....the conversations revolve around HER, and HER dates, and how he likes HER...blahblah blah. That wears on you....it would truthfully make me wanna gag after a while. I know you mentioned reasons she is your friend, but honestly, those are things ANY friend should be really. I don't know, but it would NEVER occur to me to sit with friends and blab about myself and how "crappy" my dating life is when I have tons of men pursuing me. That is just beyond self centered..and YES gloating. Don't ignore your feelings about this friend....you have these feelings for a reason.

 

You said you have low self esteem. Self worth comes within...but you know this.

 

Let me ask you a question: If you decided to get REALLY serious, and focus on yourself, your self esteem, start working out, started looking REALLY REALLY good...and you were generally much happier, do you think your friend would be happy for you and not threatened/ Or do you think she would become more competitive?

I asked this because you said that at the party your friend left you in the corner and you felt like the "fat friend". How would she react if YOU started gaining more attention?

 

This certainly would tell you a lot about how true of a friend she really is....

It's not uncommon for beautiful women to wanna hang out with what they consider "less attractive" friends..because of course, there's no competition.

 

Just food for thought.

[Cyberchick]

Ladybugg, what you have said in your post is interesting. My friend has 2 different sides to her.

 

First, the good side. She's caring towards her friends and family, is very supportive. When she learned I had a job interview for a position that is in the same floor as she works, she offered to sit down with me and help me prepare for it. She does ask me about my dating life and expresses happiness whenever I'm dating someone new or if someone is interested in me. When I was travelling abroad, and was feeling very lonely, she phoned me at least once a month if not more to see how I was. She'll always compliment me if I look good. She has so many wonderful qualities to her.

 

The not so good side is everything I explained in my original post. She CAN be very competitve and more than one of us has noticed that she has the need to be the prettiest one in the room. There was one time where a guy she had liked in high school complimented me in front of her, and she got really upset at me and wouldn't talk to me for a week. I remember after he complimented me, we were in the restroom of the pub, and she said " wow, he really likes you. I had such a crush on him in high school. " I guess I was supposed to know based on that comment that he was off limits to me ( she was getting out of a serious relationship, I assumed she was preoccupied with her bf ) but I figured it was a hs crush and we were both 24 at the time, so I didn't think he meant anything to her anymore. So I talked about how I would like to get to know him better... she ended up not talking to me for a week! It didn't seem to bother her that I once was talked about a guy I had a massive crush on but I was hurt that he noticed every single one of my friends except me, and right after I said that, she tells me how he had a really big crush on her at one point. I sound like such a baby right now.

 

I do wonder at times what would happen if I did feel better about myself, lost tons of weight, etc. how things would change. A couple of the girls we hang out with are the bar star type, always get lots of male attention. We are all best friends but she has said to me privately that the three of them are very competitive with each other and I sense she almost gloats if she " wins ". There was a girl in our choir with who she was always very competitve with, they were interested in the same guys on numerous occasions. Once she told me " both times Carla and I liked the same guy and I won! " I do think she views me as a non threat and that she secretly sees me as the less prettier friend, not as much competition.

 

So she has these two totally different sides to her, and it's weird. I don't know if she's just very insecure somewhere inside her or what but there are times where it's tough to stomach. But I give her the benefit of the doubt because I have many flaws myself. I AM trying to be a mature adult and not take everything so seriously. It's hard these days, I'm going through alot of stuff. I was having a bad day yesterday and I needed to vent. Thanks for listenig.

[ves]

Cyberchick, is your best friend related to my best friend? LOL. I don't want to hijack your thread and talk about me me me, but I want to share some info and reassure you that you're not alone!

 

My BF (since we met in college) is a pretty size zero blonde who likes to party, so you can imagine the guys who are knocking themselves over to get to her! She has a well-paying job where she has been promoted three times in the year and a half since she's been there. I feel like her fat, broke, forever-single friend half of the time. She's had about 20 boyfriends in the 8 years I've known her, while I have had just one that didn't even last long.

 

Sometimes I too wonder what would happen if I lost a ton of weight and suddenly became "the pretty one" instead of "the nice one". I've started to lose weight recently, and I find myself less and less tolerant of her petty comments. She's an attention wh0re and I've told her that (she acknowledges it) - always needs to have someone paying attention, hence the uninterrupted string of boyfriends. I'm her only female friend, and I've often had a hard time getting her to talk about things in my life, to the point where I have to interrupt her and say, "I wasn't finished talking about me yet!"

 

The big difference between us is that my family life was/is very stable and loving, and her parents are bitterly divorced and not really supportive of her. She is supremely insecure but hides it very, very well. She sabotages her relationships and has cheated on practically every boyfriend she's ever had except her ex-fiance.

 

OK - back to you! Maybe because your friend doesn't view you as competition (that's a good thing!), she feels like she can be more herself around you? I definitely think there's an insecurity issue here, too. Being competitive goes hand in hand with needing to prove you're the best, wanting to be on top, searching for reassurance that you're better than other people.

 

I do think your friend has merits and sounds like she can be a great friend at times. My response to her talking about herself would be to poke fun - "Yes, Miss Perfect" etc. I also think it would be good for you to have some other friends in your life. Don't let this one friendship be the measuring stick for your life and your successes. Try to find a hobby that she's not involved in that - take an art class, an exercise class, learn a language. I'm not sure I would confront her on this - she might not know she's doing it. She probably doesn't view her life as a competition with your life, either. It should not be You vs. Her, it should be You and Her vs. The World!

 

BTW - you can always PM me if you want to gripe about your friends. I've found the BEST catharsis of a bad situation is to vent to outside people! You don't sound like a baby at all. I'm 25 and have a similar situation. The older I get, the less mature "adults" seem to me. We're all just overgrown teenagers, more or less.