Girlfriend abused as child, not sure what to say or do about it

[Pauls]

i have a wonderfull girlfriend that i have been dating for 5 months now. Every thing about our relationship is perfect. We have never gotten into a fight and we seem to agree on just about everything. We are able to work things out all the time.

My girlfriend lived with her real parents until she was 5 years old. Her parents were drug abusers and she was put into foster care because of neglect. she was moved around countless times to different homes by the foster care program until she was adopted. she now lives with very great family and has caring parents. She recently mentioned that when she lived with her biological parents, she was regulary sexualy abused when she was 5 by a 17 year old stepbrother. Since she has said that i have not been able to stop thinking about it. I feel sad and sick just thinking of her going through somthing so horrible. i feel like i should do somthing to comfort her and make her feel better. she has said that its hard for her to talk about it. so i would like to know what i should do to let her know how i feel and that she can talk to me about it. i feel like it would be strange to say this thought because she has allready gone through therepy for this and becasue it happened so long ago. please give me some advice?

[WahlbergCasket]

hey man

 

its a sensitive situation, but heres what i recommend. never bring it up to her, let her bring it up this is CRUCIAL. do not make any sexual advances towards her unless she starts it or is willing. don't come out and say "i can listen to you talk about yer past if u want", she will when she's ready. she needs to earn your trust, and you do this by being loyal, honest, and sensitive to her needs. don't treat her like she's got a disease, you need to make sure she knows you dont think shes weird or messed up becuase of what happened to her. k? best of luck

 

ben

[AwdreeHpburn]

yeh dude, Ben's right. Make sure you don't treat her any differently.

 

There is nothing at all wrong with telling her you are there for her whenever she needs to talk.

 

But unlike Ben, I think you should be open and honest with her about how you feel. Its not your issue so don't make the abuse about you, but she is someone you care about so naturally, you have feelings about it.

 

If she's been to therapy she's probably dealing with it on some level but those kinds of things creep up time and again so some days will better than others for her.

 

If she needs to talk to you about it, listen and be there for her.

 

Maybe the next time you're having a heart to heart you could confess that you think about what she told you and because you care about her so much you hurt for her.

 

I don't think you should leave it an un-said thing. It could end up being one of those issues that if not talked about ends up getting bigger and bigger.

 

Its all out of love and concern. I can't imagine the fact that you think about her pain and hurt for her will make her run screaming for the hills. Just don't judge her. Talk about how YOU feel about. Not how you think she should.

 

Just go on with the relationship as always. Honeslty and openly.

Good luck dude, really.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi there. I understand how you are feeling. I was with someone for two years who had also been abused as a little boy. Before he told me what happened, he would indirectly allude to the abuse by saying he had "skeletons in the closet." I begged him to tell me what he meant, but he refused for months. I knew he wanted to tell me, but was just afraid. I was beginning to worry that something terrible was in his past--did he rape someone? had he seen a murder? What happened?

 

One night I said, "You must tell me." So we drove to the beach and revealed to me that his sister had been raped as a child, and she, in turn, acted out the abuse on him, repeatedly, over the course of a year.

 

I was shocked into disbelief. As the tears rolled down his face, I just sat there, stiff, sick to my stomach. I didn't know what to do or say. I was jolted back into reality when I heard my boyfriend quietly ask, "Can I have a hug?"

 

I realized that I just had to be soft and gentle and compassionate. No fancy words or psychological advice were needed--I only had to be there for him and hold him and listen to him. Sometimes words cannot replace the warmth and tenderness of a soothing pair of arms, a sweet kiss, and a compassionate ear.

 

I know it hurts to know that your girlfriend was emotionally and physically absued. The wounds are real, but just like for any trauma, there is recovery and redemption. The body-soul-mind seeks healing and has the wisdom to overcome the worst. Love and time are the great healers.

 

Whatever happened to us in the past is important, but we are dynamic, like the ocean, and we swirl and fret against the rocks, and we rise up and shift the sands. We are never stagnating, always moving, always new.

 

What matters now is the love you share with your girlfriend, the tenderness between you, the joys you have experienced together. The past tells us what happened to us, but the now is where we exist, in all of our feeling and thought and body and soul.

 

There are scars, but they are badges of honor for what we have gone through. Just as a parent kisses a child's wounded finger, we can soothe away the pain of past trauma with self-love and compassion we give to others.

 

When your girlfriend needs to talk, she will come to you. And you can always gently remind her that you are there to listen, just as you said. Your sensitivity and patience are all that is needed.

[friscodj]

This is definitely her deal and you should let her bring it up if she chooses to do so. You can show her that she can talk to you by being there for her over time...

 

Also, realize things won't be perfect with you guys forever. When problems arise, remember what you wrote to us above. Be extra supportive of her and extra careful about mentioning her past.

[Dregnought]

Also, realize things won't be perfect with you guys forever.

Unforturnetly this is true. But 5 months is a long time with nothing bad. So things are really looking good. Me and MG have fought twice, but nothing serious, and we make up right after. Distances suck, thats all i can say. Anyway, when things dont go so perfect, be calm, smooth. Dont try to intentioallly hurt... and dont be afraid to make up at the end. This relationship is looking real good for both of you.

About this problem, unfortuently there is a good chance it will haunt her for a very long time, if not forever. The best you can do is what romantic sweetheart said. espically this part,

...I just had to be soft and gentle and compassionate. No fancy words or psychological advice were needed--I only had to be there for him and hold him and listen to him. Sometimes words cannot replace the warmth and tenderness of a soothing pair of arms, a sweet kiss, and a compassionate ear.

Best of Luck.

[Pauls]

Thanks for the advice guys, it means a lot

[ministerteacher]

I understand how you feel from the other side i am a woman who was abused mently, fesaculy, and sexualy from 5-16 by all different peopel in my life my husband of 8 years did not know how to aprouch me and what to say but some of them are correct things will come up that will make her relieve it she will be watching tv and a woman will be hit she may feel it all you can do is hope that she will talk to you. You cant asume therapy is working so i do not recomend you not trying to get her to talk to you she will not up and say i was raped and this what they did to me i could not do that for 8 years of my marriage. You need to show her that she is still the woman you like and you still want to be with her and you need to open to her as well tell her that knowing she was raped is hurting you and you wish you knew what to say but do not tell you understand cause she knows that the only way you can understand is if you been throught it.

 

I help woman that have been throught these kinds of things because i have been throight them if you have anyother questions or if she would like to talk to someone who has been throught it my myspace is, ministerteacher1980

 

Good luck