Pretended to be nasty

[davefromuk]

Hey, this is a little bit of a strange situation, so would be nice to hear what you guys think.

 

A quick out line of the relationshiop is: we met at uni just over a yr ago, got together straight away, i neglected her for 6 months just because of simple naieiveity. Started to realise what i felt for her then put in all the effort and she backed off when we returned home for the summer. Split up for 3 months then got back together at university. Again when we went home started arguing again and split up. Now were back at uni and we had been doing well as friends, then she starts talk about getting back together at, and i was like maybe, then a guy from her work comes up to stay for the weekend, so naturally i got a little bit jealous nothing aggresive or anything just made no effort to get in touch. After this incident i started to think my gf maybe a little narcissitic seeing as she has no real friends, always slagging past boyfriends off, always * * * * *ing about her 'friends', people she often refers to as her good friends are just male colleagues, and i knew very little about her past.

 

Anyway thats the background, after about a week of not talking i bumped into her and we got in a row, and then she rang me up later to lay into me. Because i had had enough of all this hot and cold, for some reason i decided to lie to her about what a nasty guy i really was, and how no one at uni knew the real me and that if they did no one would get on with me, i said out whole relationship had been built on a fabricated 'me'. I thought of knew deep down that this was what she was thinking, and i when i told her these lies it confirmed it because she came out and was like 'i knew it' and proceeded to tell me how she had worked all these things out, i was just sitting laughing away to myself that she could actually think these things about me.

 

By doing this i hope that she will be able to move on now without feeling guilty, as she will be able to tell herself that the problems were all with me, and i can move on because i know she thinks all that rubbish about me is true, when in reality i have never even hurt a fly, it feels weird thinking that uve made someone think really bad of u when uve never done any of those things.

 

Has anyone ever had a situation like this, where they have lied about what a * * * * they really are to the person their love just help them both get closure???

[lgirl]

that was very misguided of you. your lying won't help your exgf to move on b/c now she will be doubting herself, wondering how she let herself get taken in by such a "nasty guy".

 

are you that lazy and selfish you can't tell someone the truth? she was good enough to sleep with - doesn't she deserve your honesty?

 

lying is never a good idea (as you will probably find out now).

[davefromuk]

I can see what your saying, but if our relationship had got to a point where she felt like she could just play me along i didnt know what to do.

 

Its not in my nature to cut anyone out of my life. She kept mentioning getting back together, then would be seeing other guys. She made me promise before we got together that we would always be friends, this has put me in a difficult situation, cos every time the contact would look like it was going to go, she would be like ur not the person i thought u were, u stand for nothing etc etc. I thought by telling her all this, I thought she would be able to cut me out much easier and not feel guilt for maybe cutting someone out who always treated her well??? And by her agreeing with everything i was saying, and her saying i always thought that deep down, does that not say alot about her???

[NJRon]

I don't know, I can see the humor. The only reason why I would say not to do that is you don't want someone spreading rumors about you based on the "bad" you. She lied to you you lied to her. the funny thing is that your lie was about you being a worse guy than you really are, whereas hers were actual lies.

 

It's not your responsibility to try and make someone not feel guilty. that's your issue, let them deal with it. And breaking a promise with a lie is not rectifying anything.. better to just say things change and move on.

 

Ah well... never had that happen to me.. well.. once or twice actually... but usually before the fact, not after. Ehh.. I was young though

 

Enjoy your new double life

[lgirl]

i think your 'logic' is mangled to say the least! lol. your lying hasn't resolved anything - except to give her regrets. now she will look back and regret her involvement with you. there can be no peace of mind (as i know from experience) when you end up thinking that yr ex is not the man you thought he was - it really messes with yr head, makes it worse in a lot of ways. and destroys all the good memories...

 

i'm sorry, but regardless of the situation, what kind of person lies like you did? was it just to take the easiest (laziest) way out? it reflects badly on you. the fact that she lied as well doesn't excuse it. two wrongs don't make a right.

 

And by her agreeing with everything i was saying, and her saying i always thought that deep down, does that not say alot about her??

nope, but it says everything about you. makes you look shady - clearly you gave her reason to be suspicious about you already. the fact that you lied (even to have come up with the idea in the first place) suggests you are not being totally honest about the situation.

 

there is a chance that she only agreed with the 'lies' you told her to avoid losing face. think about it: an ex tells you all bad this stuff about themselves, maybe she didn't want to look stupid in front of you, like she didn't know already, out of pride. it's quite possible she was lying to you about always having thought those things about you. she could just be putting a brave face on it, but feeling so disappointed inside...

 

either way, it was a dumb thing to do on your part - so you won't be doing that again in a hurry will ya?

 

PS what concern is it of yours whether she feels guilty or not?

[davefromuk]

What if she really is someone though, who cant bear to be seen as the bad person in the end of the relationship. She always wants to blame things on others. In this way have i not given her an avenue just to get rid of all her anger and move on to her next target?

 

I really didnt want to treat her bad and thats not what i intended at all, just when she started abusing me the other day (even though we have been apart for 3 months) started to show me alot

about how she felt so i thought why not just let her confound those feelings?

[lgirl]

no you haven't. you have left her regretting her involvement with you and despite what she can say about you (lies or otherwise), privately she will only end up blaming herself for wasting her time on you. she will blame herself for not seeing the 'truth' earlier. i mean as far as she's concerned you even admitted being a waste of space, so what is she to think now you've confirmed that?

 

again, why have you taken it on yourself to provide this 'avenue' for her. it's not your responsibility. if an ex wants to feel guilty, let them! (the road to hell is paved with good intentions...)

 

and why do you want to leave someone with such a poor image of you?

[davefromuk]

Because i know that im still very much in love with the image of herself that she created for me when i first met her. Im still like putty in her hands deep down. Just got fed up with her taking that for granted, saying that she wanted back then her actions saying something very differet.

 

Everytime she comes back into my life she could play with emotions easily, knowing that i would do anything for her. By making an image of me being a piece of dirt, im hoping that she will deem the relationship now closed and not insist with keeping the life line open, this has been going on off since last august!

[lgirl]

well good luck this time around! i think the best thing would have been if you could just be completely honest with her and tell her what you just wrote here - that you got fed up with her taking you for granted, not valuing you, manipulating how you feel for her. you need to tell her all that and that you deserve someone who is sincere about you. if she can't be, then she needs to stay out of your life.

 

honesty is always the best policy. if you had been honest at least you would have left her with some respect for you. now she has no respect for you.

 

PS you should never disparage your own character or let anyone else