Averting my suicide

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I almost wish I was straightforwardly suicidal, instead of this determination to hang on mixed in with a real wish to die.

 

Since my very low point a few weeks ago, I have sought professional help (more of it than previously). I have another counselling session very soon, Im under doctors monitoring, etc. I have really worked on trying to figure out emotions - journalling, scrapbooking, posting on messagebaords, talking to friends, talking to boyfriend.

 

Ive tried *Natural Antidepressants* - exercise (a bit too much ,actually, often 2hrs + per day), Being Outside Every Day, eating frequently and at least vaguely sensibly, trying to think positively...I am/have been really, really trying.

 

Ive been keeping fairly busy, seeing old and new friends. Ive tried to even talk to my parents more, just on day to day basis. Ive got sorted with driving; im well on my way with it. Ive even started looking for a part time job again.

 

But heres the bad bit. Underneath it all, I am still precisely as miserable and on the verge of admitting myself to an emergency room as I was a while ago. I think about death and suicide so, so much.

Everything hurts so, so much. Despite all my attempts at the above, Im slipping, I had today off college because I couldnt cope with it (I had an *ear infection*..heh) and I still cry everyday.

 

No idea what to do. I scream because Im that desperate. But ironically because Im not black and weepy I think Id just be laughed at if I ever told anyone I was in *crisis*, if you understand me.

 

Stuff like eating disordered behaviour and self harm has increased for me lately, but the thought of telling people close to me makes me cry more because it'd really hurt some of them.

 

Im pro choice as regards to suicide. This isnt a suicide note, this is a note from a suicidal person, though.

[Dako]

You're an amazing person to struggle as you do. I've read lots of your posts and feel my puny troubles aren't anything like yours.

You probably help plenty of people with your dispatches from the dark side and I always hope you'll find new ways to cope, and that as you age, your ailments will fade enough to make life seem brighter.

Stick around, please.

You're a smart person, and the world needs more of them.

[coppergold]

I no exactly how you feel. owuld you please stcik around, and tell people if it does get better. then we may all no what to do.

[becallamjr]

Thats just it, the pain is always there. It never goes away, you just have to reach that point in life where you decide to live with it. On an average day, even on the meds, I wake up and it's usually the worst day of my life and under all the bs I do to get the pain off my mind, I constantly come up with new ways to kill myself. I just never do it. I care for all of you to an extent, that all of you understand what I am feeling and how terrible it really is, but when it comes down to it, I believe that noone here really cares if each of us takes our lives because it really doesn't affect any of you. None of you really know if someone kills themselves from this forum. They could say "I'm gonna end it all" and never come back to this forum and continue on in life. In the end it just comes down to the fact that we understand each other and can comfort one another a bit.

[Dako]

Bill,

If you abruptly disappeared from this site, I'd be pissed off.

[becallamjr]

Well you've been to a "special place" just like me, where there are "special people" and I don't want you get pissed off, so I'm not going anywhere.

[Dako]

LOL

You're a riot!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Stick with it, Bill.

 

And thanks, Dako.

[Miss M]

Isn't there some small satisfaction in finding someone to communicate about this who REALLY GETS how it feels? People who don't suffer with this try to help (bless them) but they really don't have a clue what they're talking about. Then when you finally find that person who REALLY KNOWS, well, there something poignantly bittersweet in that. I truly don't want anyone else to feel like me, but when someone does, it's almost miraculous, and a tiny bit less lonely.

[Outcast-Angel]

Isn't there some small satisfaction in finding someone to communicate about this who REALLY GETS how it feels? People who don't suffer with this try to help (bless them) but they really don't have a clue what they're talking about. Then when you finally find that person who REALLY KNOWS, well, there something poignantly bittersweet in that. I truly don't want anyone else to feel like me, but when someone does, it's almost miraculous, and a tiny bit less lonely.

 

odd, i don't find that i'm any less alone, even when i'm talking to someone who gets it. i just feel worse, because they're hurting (or have hurt), and i know there's nothing i can say or do to make it just stop, and be better, the way so many people here have said it will get.

[Miss M]

odd, i don't find that i'm any less alone, even when i'm talking to someone who gets it. i just feel worse, because they're hurting (or have hurt), and i know there's nothing i can say or do to make it just stop, and be better, the way so many people here have said it will get.

Yes, Outcast-Angel, I've felt those exact same feelings too, especially in regard to my own son when he became severely depressed. I knew experientially how bad he was feeling, knew there wasn't much I could do to help him, and I only wanted him to be free of suffering. You're right, I got no satisfaction whatsoever from his pain. And I hurt more because he was hurting.

 

But I guess there are some times when I'm feeling more self-absorbed, more lonely. And for my own sake I'm sometimes grateful for a little bit of companionship from someone who really understands.

 

What I was describing is something like a friend once said to me. Her son is seriously ill in another way with a rare illness that consumes her whole world. Everybody who she talks to about it tries to be clumsily "helpful" but they don't really know what to say because they don't have a clue what they're talking about. They end up being more of a burden to her. But when she talked to me, I listened and empathized in a way that she said was meaningful for her. I accepted the impossibility of her and her son's situation. I wasn't shocked by it, wasn't confused by it, and didn't find it uncomfortable to be around them. I also didn't need to "fix" them, and just being with them was enough. She said that meant a lot for her to experience that.

 

That's what other depressed people provide, a matter-of-fact acceptance, and just a place for me to BE without needing me to be anything other than what I am... depressed. And the word "suicide" isn't even especially frightening to them. AntiLove's explanations in her original post rang starkly familiar with me, even somewhat comfortable. And I have a sense of the experiential feelings that lie beneath her words. And her pain doesn't distress me in the way that it perhaps does for others. I can just BE with her in the way that I would want others to just BE with me.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I understand how you mean bout not being all black and weepy so people dont understand but you have to alkt to people i know you must have heard this a million times but talking about what happenes really helps! Please give it time before saying that it doesnt work, nothing can help straight away but if you keep going i know you can make it! You have the determination and thats a good skill to have during rough times! Good luck!

[Dako]

I often feel more comfortable around those who've been there/here, but it's good to be around perky folks for a lift, even if I often feel like an outsider.

[Miss M]

No idea what to do. I scream because Im that desperate. But ironically because Im not black and weepy I think Id just be laughed at if I ever told anyone I was in *crisis*, if you understand me.

If there's someone close that you really need to tell, someone that really needs to understand because they're important in your life... but if that person is the type who won't get it, or if that is the type of person who will laugh, then it might be a good idea to ask if they would be willing to go to therapy with you. I did that with my father. He wasn't the type to laugh, but he would scoff. And there was a critical point where it was important that he understood because I really needed his help with it. When the therapist explained it to him, he stopped scoffing and began to help me. Somehow a therapist has a way of explaining depression that got through to him in a way that I could never do alone.

 

Stuff like eating disordered behaviour and self harm has increased for me lately, but the thought of telling people close to me makes me cry more because it'd really hurt some of them.

Sometimes we worry about others so much that we keep quiet and sacrifice ourselves for their sake. Yes, it's true that in some way they might hurt more, but those that really care about you will want you to share your pain with them, to unload some of your hurt onto them so they can help you with it. They wouldn't want you to keep it all to yourself until it devours you, because that will hurt them too. In a sense, by telling them, you'd only be trading a destructive hurt for a constructive one.

 

You have to be willing to let others help you carry some of the burden of your pain. That's what loved ones do for each other. They would rather that you share it with them than to lose you forever. But they don't know how to do that, so you have the added task of teaching them about your illness. But that's better than the alternative.