Re-Establishing Connection.

[alteclansinggg]

well its been over 2 years since our relationship ended and as you can see, im still thinking about her to some extent. I think in some ways we have spent time a part long enough to feel comfortrable around eachother if we ever do decide to spend time together again.

 

So, I was wondering if anyone could maybe suggest something that I can do to re-establish a relationship with her beginning as friends ofcoarse.

 

History wise, we drifted apart after trying to start a relationship and our friendship never was the same. She moved on with a new someone and I moved on with a few of my own. We are both in college but havent talked to eachother in a very long time. The whole NC thing.

 

Thanks in advance for the replies.

[friscodj]

Shoot her an email. Tell her you were thinking about her the other day and wanted to say hello and see how she is doing. Keep it short and easy-going...then gauge her reply (or lack thereof)...

[alteclansinggg]

Anything other than an email? Overnalyze

[friscodj]

I'd start with an email and see how it goes...it's still convenient and personal yet distant enough where it's not putting the pressure on the other person to answer, like a phone conversation would.

 

And why would you overanalyze this? What would you do that is stupid? Or are you really trying to re-ignite an old flame?

[blender]

I don't know about an "email". From my female point of view, I just don't think an email shows any courage... it's kind of, I don't know... lame? Or perhaps I'm too old fashioned, but I received an email from my ex after 8 months of No contact, and even though I still loved him, I did NOT reply. I thought if he was really interested in knowing how I was doing, he would pick up the phone and call me. The first thing you have to ask yourself before making any contact with her, is: "What are MY expectations?" And then ask yourself: "Can I handle any type of response positive/negative from her?"

 

Since you said you "tend to over analyze", remember the only thing you DO have control over is YOU, your own actions, reactions, and your sense of syle, values, honesty. If you truly just want to "be friends" with her, then you are probably strong enough emotionally to call her and say "hi" but if you are "expecting" something more, than just be prepared for whatever her response might be so you have an "emotional plan" for yourself and how you will react to her, with class, and honesty.

 

Over analyzing is just a "bad habit" of yours, it's a choice, it's usually never based on facts, when we are willing to accept things as they are, we are then and ONLY then in a place of truly "letting go" and being okay with whatever our destiny might be...

 

I find that we don't always get what we "want" from our "ex" response, but we DO get what we "need", even if it's what we Don't want to hear....it will still leads us on the right path to our happiness. Good Luck, let us know what you decide to do... and ask for any advice, there are so many wonderful people here with thoughtful words... all the best, Blender

[Rizon80]

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[alteclansinggg]

thnx for the responses I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

Ive decided to back off on the contacting part . I dont want to go through what I did in the past which was nothing short of an emotional tragedy spiraling to destruction. Maybe in a few more months when I know her response, positive or negative, wont affect my decisions and the way I feel around her ill bring the idea up once again.

 

Just got to stay strong and hope something might happen in the time to come; and to be honest I was hoping that we become more than friends and because of that alone I dont think im ready to try to contact her. Through my experience I guess ive learned to use logic over the feelings of the heart. Thats only after I looked at my feelings over logic so much.

 

I cant deny that it hurts. A lot.

 

I cant help but think that maybe she'll move on if I wait any longer... but how do I know that shes even waiting. I guess im just venting now but at the same time im asking for advise on how to deal with this. I do everything to try to forget her... Play club soccer, go to college fulltime, have a job and I even put myself in many social atmospheres where I socialise with everyone. What else can I do? I do everything by the book on trying to get over her and its not working. Its been 2 years...1 year since i realised that I shouldn't be down on it and try to work through it.

 

Its not like im like this everyday. I dont think about her like I am right now. This is the first time ive actually put how I feel in perspective and I guess im realising now that im not over her like I thought I was.

 

I guess everyone breaks down atleast once. This is the first time in over a year ive felt like this and I hope it doesnt lead me to the same feeling I used to feel when i was trying to get over her in the beginning of our end.

[friscodj]

After reading your last post, I definitely suggest you do not contact her in any way, shape, or form. You are clearly not ready to do so...

[whatif]

I personally do not view email as a lame method of communication when it comes to reestablishing an old connection. My first serious relationship started through a series of email conversations. Like frisco said, email generates least pressure on the recipient.

[blender]

I think "Whatif" post is also right, email can be useful. I guess, I was just thinking about you, and how you would feel after you wrote an email. And sometimes when we send an email, we wait, we wonder, we don't "hear" the person's voice, they don't "hear" ours, but still I believe until you know where YOU stand, it's tough to contact an ex. If you feel like you might "regret" not contacting her, just remember you can always decide to do so, email, call, whatever.

 

For right now, you are having a 'set back" emotionally, and it's so tough on the heart. If you did contact her, would you be "okay" if she was simply pleasant but not interested? If you know you can be "okay" with that response, I'd say go for it. Just know that YOU are going to be fine. Everything is just as it should be in this moment.

 

Time will tell how your heart feels, and if you still are aching over her, wondering then you can contact her, but have an emotional plan for yourself first, work through how you will "deal" with whatever response she has, and that whatever it is, it's what is "meant to be". I know a wonderful woman is waiting for you on your life path and maybe it's even your "ex". Was she the kind of girl who would call you if she wanted to get in touch? I'm just wondering...

 

You will be okay, just keep coming here and venting. It also helps to write her an email and send it to YOURSELF, wait 24 hours and then re-read it. See how you feel... just keep "writing it out" until you either are moving beyond or decide to hit "send". If it were meant to be right now, you wouldn't be questioning yourself so much, so take that as a "sign" and "instinct" that you are just not "ready" to make a decision yet.

[friscodj]

It also helps to write her an email and send it to YOURSELF, wait 24 hours and then re-read it.

 

And you can always post it here...you'll get plenty of opinions and advice about it here...

 

But like I said before, you clearly don't sound ready to contact her. Wait until you have less emotion attached to this...

[blender]

friscodj, I think you got it right... he's not "ready". and the idea of posting his email to her here first and hearing what others think is a GREAT idea.

[Rizon80]

.........

[alteclansinggg]

Thanks again for the responses.

 

As for blender's response and question about whether she was the type to call if she wanted to get in touch, not really. She tended to keep her distance even though she wanted to talk which was maybe because of her insecurities. Well thats what I think.

 

I know im not over her and frankly I dont think I ever will be now. Its been over 2 years and, like I said before, I have done everything to get over her.

 

I dont want to create an emotional plan for myself because I dont want to go through what I have before so I will not be contacting her. From what ive done before when ive felt like this, I think im smart enough to know that I dont want to do them again.

 

If you guys dont mind me asking, has anyone else gone though something like this? where whatever you do you just cant not let her go and how are you dealing with it and what are you doing to maybe forget about her or even try to get her back?

[blender]

Yeah, I've been there, and still going through it... you will "get over her" you will, I promise. this is all about what you believe. I believe that in life we are given these lessons and the moments in our life that "hurt our hearts" the most are getting us ready for something so special, something you can't even plan for, or imagine.

 

You are going to be a great man in some wonderful woman's life. The fact that you can hurt this deeply and care about someone for so long is a "sign" that are ready to find REAL love, and one that is a two way street. Why would you want to be with a women "who is afraid to show her feelings"? that is going nowhere no matter how hard you would try to be in a relationship with her, even in her best loving moments, it wouldn't matter.

 

You are given this time to get to know yourself "better" not to figure HER out... I know I'm in your shoes right now.. my ex is like a ghost that follows me through out the day sometimes... and other days I'm "okay" about it. But when it's the "right" person these things simply just don't happen, you don't leave each other, or one leaves the other, or you DON"T communicate.. or the other moves on... this is NOT the girl for you.. YOU are worthy of a great, loving, wonderful woman... and even if you believe this girl has the "potential" to be the one, she's NOT. To many of us fall for "potential", and you are now headed towards your full potential as a man.

 

You have hurt, lessons, and the experience to use this as a step towards "acceptance" Once you get to the "acceptance" stage, that if it was meant to be it will be.. then and only then can you move on. You are powerless over your destiny but you have all the power on how you choose to react to it... You sound like a great guy, who's looking inward and figuring all this out... and really trying to do "all the right things" to move ahead... but none of it is going to work, until you can say out loud, "Okay, I accept this, I accept things are exactly as they should be".

 

And when you least expect it, she will call, or you will run into a new woman that will be the real love of your life.. It's all about "acceptance". The real pain we feel comes from the "resistance" to accept what life is giving us.

 

So for today, "accept" that you are going to miss her, and that you will have some tougher days as far as this goes, but that it all happened as exactly as it was suppose to for a reason..

 

Great things are ahead for you, but whenever we glance too long in the rearview mirror we end up crashing and have to get all the dings out of the car before we can drive forward again... your just getting the "dings" out now.. your heart will heal, when it is ready to "look ahead'.... I know just how you are hurting, I'm there too, it's been almost a year for me... but I'm getting better, because when I start to "wallow" in the "what if's" the "I will never get over him" I just say out loud, I accept this and things are exactly as they should be... and then I breath, smile and ask someone else "how's your day going?"... You'd be surprised how many people have thier own heartache stories.. and ya know what the one who accept them eventually have happy endings... and this miracle will be yours too. I just know it.

[friscodj]

I know im not over her and frankly I dont think I ever will be now. Its been over 2 years and, like I said before, I have done everything to get over her.

 

I would definitely not contact her then. In fact, I'd try not to even think about her at this point. When you catch yourself thinking about her, think about someone or something else...

[alteclansinggg]

Sorry if this may sound redundent, but what now?

 

Also, I totally forgot to say... she is currently going out with another guy so maybe its not such a good idea afterall. Pretty stupid of me to say this now but I thought maybe it wasn't such a big thing mainly because when I was with others I still knew I cared for her.

[blender]

The only thing you can do now, is "move on" with your own life.. I know, I know it hurts, and it so difficult to put things you'd think you can "control" into the hands of the "universe" and just see what happens, but this is when great things come into our path.. Let go.. each time you think of her, say to yourself, "I am powerless over her choices and actions, it has NOTHING to do with me" You can then be in acceptance and try to move forward.. right now, just for today, you are not "ready" to contact her.. it's not the "time". so let it go... put your energy into YOU. You seem like such a great guy, and if she's seeing someone else, let her.. the "newness" of him will wear off after a year and she'll probably call you because you haven't been "around". this does work.. it does... but only because you are truly trying to let go... it can happen.. all things are exactly as they should be, we don't always get what we "want" but we do get everything we "need". What are you plans for the next week? Are you going to let it go for a few days? Let us know where your heart is today...

[friscodj]

Sorry if this may sound redundent, but what now?

 

Also, I totally forgot to say... she is currently going out with another guy so maybe its not such a good idea afterall. Pretty stupid of me to say this now but I thought maybe it wasn't such a big thing mainly because when I was with others I still knew I cared for her.

 

You drop the subject. She's taken, it's not an option for you anymore. Do what you need to do to forget about her...

[alteclansinggg]

So move on then and if its mean to happen wait for her to come to me?

 

Its all going to be the same, ill start going out with a girl and just not feel it not because im comparing the one im going out with to her but because she just doesnt do it for me. Which make me think... why am I going out with her.

 

Everyone just ends up disapointing you in the long run. So how is it worth it? To gain experience which I dont even need... or to pass time until I find the one I want, or she finds what she wants in me.

 

If I could leave town and start a new future I would, but its not always that simple... responsiblities regarding others always comes in the way.

[blender]

there's no need to move out of town to start a new life, because no matter where you go, there YOU are. This isn't about people disappointing you, yes that happens, but we need to "understand" more than be "understood" sometimes... work on making yourself a "great catch", this is the ONLY way you will start to see the "sparkle" in another woman... And NO you don't have to wait for your ex to come to you.. after a while, after you pick up the pieces of your own life, you can contact her, you're just NOT ready now.. and htere is a reason for it... but in time, if you take care of making yourself more aware, more "okay" on your own, then and only then can you share YOUR happiness, no one can PROVIDE happiness for you, or the other way around, a healthy, long lasting relationship is when two people come together that ALREADY HAVE THIER OWN HAPPINESS, then they SHARE with confidence and without fear... YOU are going to meet someone, but first get to know YOURSELF.... this is NOT the only girl for you... life isn't that simple, it's very, very complicated, and fate has your story ready, when you are ready to "accept" it.... you're getting closer, this girl will look back at some point and reach out to you... that's just simply the way it is... it's fate... and once you are in acceptance, all things fall into place, and you might not even be interested in her if she should come back.... let go, if just for today...It's all about attitude.....

[friscodj]

So move on then and if its mean to happen wait for her to come to me?

 

No, don't wait for her! This is part 1 of your problem. You have to let her go which means not waiting. You need to block her and emotions tied to her out of your life. NC means not only physically not contacting her, but feelings and emotions tied to her as well...

 

Its all going to be the same, ill start going out with a girl and just not feel it not because im comparing the one im going out with to her but because she just doesnt do it for me. Which make me think... why am I going out with her.

 

Everyone just ends up disapointing you in the long run. So how is it worth it? To gain experience which I dont even need... or to pass time until I find the one I want, or she finds what she wants in me.

 

Part 2 of your problem: you are sabotaging the future, not giving it a chance, and not believing in happiness beyond this woman. You need to take some time, be alone, analyze and face your feelings and fears, make decisions about the future and then start dating again. This is where a counselor might really be able to help, which is an option I would consider pursuing should you not see the progress you want in dealing with this on your own.

 

If I could leave town and start a new future I would, but its not always that simple... responsiblities regarding others always comes in the way.

 

Running away won't solve your problem, analyzing, facing, understanding, and making choices about your feelings will...

[alteclansinggg]

I will follow your guys' advice.

 

It may be slow but progress has been made on me dealing with her not being with me and I will continue it until shes out of my mind completely.

 

I guess I was just trying to skip being completely over her because I was hoping that I would get her if I tried contacting her again. NC will continue and I will continue doing the many activities that I do to keep my mind occupied.

 

Thanks again for the help this really is a great site.

 

p.s... I will be coming back for more advise if do need help and would appreciate the same great help as this time when the time comes.