overwhelmed, lost, and confused

[smiles314]

I always had some instinct or gut feeling about my relationships and what would happen. I had those feelings with my past bf of 6 mos. We broke up a yr ago but have gotten into quite an awkward friendship. However, i lost those basic instincts, that feeling in my gut. Now i feel lost, and confused. I don't have any feelings about my ex- I just feel empty, and clueless. I miss those instincts. And it's causing me much pain.

We were in a real sweet relationship at college(both 20yrs old). Left for summer-lived 4hrs apart and a month later he ended things b/c sumthing "clicked" he just "couldn't handle it" and that was that. I was shocked. Back at colege for the 2nd yr. we started talking again-slowly got comfortable w/ each other. Saw each other for the first time, and things felt the same- some of it was gone, but that same look in his eye never went away. Whenever we hang out, we are physical..But after a lot of i want u bak,i dont wnat u bak. He felt that he didnt want a gf at that point in life, had too much stress,and had a lot of "headache" in his life. I dont get how a guy can want u as their gf so bad and then just not w/o any true reason. He wanted to spend time w/ me, kissed me the same way. We saw each other a few times a month. He bailed when things got rough so things just got to be very simple for him-no efforts needed. i feel dumb for doin that but i just still had feelings for him & a real connection.

He would speak to me online a lot and talk to me for hrs. But there would be thsoe times when he was different, jsut didnt feel like talking, or was in a bad mood and lost his temper..He's a pothead, so he spent a good portion smoking with his buddies.. He was soo wishy washy with me. I think that's how i lost my instincts over him.. He hurt me a few times- i'd tell him i didnt want to be in that kind of relationship with him and he would be defensive and say he didnt want me anyway..Then he'd always end up explaining, saying he never meant it, & was frustrated..

After going through this wacky relationship w/ him, about 2 wks b4 this summer he said out of nowhere that he regretted breaking up, knows what he missed but nothign could be done b/c summer was around the corner. YET he felt that way for awhile, and didn't know why he didn't tell me anything before. This summer we occasionaly talk online. Sometimes we speak for awhile, and he had says how he misses me, and will def call me and thinks about me...etc. Sometimes i cut the convos short and catch him offguard. The next time he'll do the same, or say he has to go do sumthing..and just be abrupt.

Bottom line is that he doesn't call me like he says, just ims me online. He's out w/ friends (he is a bros over hoes guy for the most part) at home during the summer, keeps very busy.When i get too emotional,analytical, ask too many ques. I push him away and he gets irritated and not wanting to talk much. When i don't talk to him as sweet as i usual do, say i'm busy, he usually comes at me more often and makes more effort. It hurts when he spends so much time w/ friends, and never appears to care as much as i do about the situation. But when we talk, we get along well and have a very good connection. Its like he changed overnight, so different. His friends & pot are his main priority. He stopped being open. bUt every once in awhile he comes to me, and tries to make a connection. When he starts to get out of my head he pops bak into my life on his own.

 

Urghhh!!

[Sholder]

I went through something similar. Each time I got close to my girlfriend, she moved away from me. When I walked away, she came after me. Looking back on it, I should've been smarter and walked away in the first place, but I had to find out for sure. My advice is that there's something better out there, you deserve better treatment. But you have to figure out if he means enough to you for you to put up with this. In my situation, I only ended up getting hurt worse. Just be careful.