Insecurity Driving Him Away!

[theewoodnymph]

A few nights ago, after finally getting my boyfriend to talk about what has been bothering him, he told me "doesn't know" what he wants right now - to work things out with me or to pursue this connection he felt with someone he met. Unfortunately, he also calls me everyday to make sure I am OK. I get the feeling he is trying to alleviate his own guilt so he can tell me it is really over for us. He says things like " Down the Line" and "maybe someday". Sometimes I wish I wasn't a bright girl so I couldn't read between the lines.

 

I gave him the space he needs. He didn't ask for it, I told him to take it.

 

On the other hand, this is the slap in the face I needed to really look at myself. I know exactly when things started to sour between us. I am soooo darn insecure that I drove him away.

 

I crave love, need love, and need the costant reassurance that I am the center of his universe. He may just ran out of energy or was so petrified that this is how I really am. At any rate, since this all happened last week, I have the opportunity to really look at myself and I didn't like what I saw. What I saw was a pattern of behavior among all of my relationships - family, friends, boyfriends. Each time I thought I was being "rejected" it added on to the insecurity.

 

All of my boyfriends, and my marriage ended because I didn't think they loved me enough. After my divorce, the guilt of leaving my husband amplified those feelings of insecurity to the point where I suffucated every man in my life since then. I feel unworthy of love, yet crave it at the same time.

 

Now, I have made an appointment to see a counselor to work on ME. I have gotten a book about insecurity in relationships to work on ME. I feel empowered that I am finally taking care of me.

 

The problem is that I want to have him with me as I face these demons. How do I communicate to him that I would like him by my side to fight without him believing I am doing this just for him? I don't need him as I have a great support system with friends, but I want him there because there was once love there - awesome love that I miss. And love I know can be great again if neither of us give up on it.

[musicchicus]

Wow! Congratulations! It sounds like you are well on your way! We should all be so lucky!!

 

We're am proud of you, keep it up.

 

In regard to the boyfriend...realize there is a difference betwween love and need. Although you are doing great and facing your demons...it still sounds to me like you stil "need" him.

 

If you would truly like him there for support and nothing else...then you will be comfortable with just being his friend. If this is TRULY the case, then sure...go ahead tell him. Be open and honest about where you stand and where you hope to be.

 

But if there is any chance, ANY CHANCE, that you are doing this whole thing to get him back or convince him you are changed...then let him go. Because if you are holding onto him in any way then you really aren't getting better are you?

 

My suggestion...tell him what changes you are working on and going through. But then let go. If he is truly a friend, he will be there to support and care about you...but you don't have the pressure of "I have to do this before he leaves" or "I have to do better to convince him", etc. This will give you a better chance of success...and when you are stronger, you will be able to say it was YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT! And he will see what you've done and become and be even more attracted to you!

 

You can't possibly love someone else if you don't love yourself!

[glassbell]

I almost cried when I read your post, theewoodnymph, you are describing my pattern of behaviour and beliefs. But this is about you. I very much agree with what musicchicus says, and I am saying this from an outsider's perspective as well as that of someone who has noticed the same patterns in herself.

 

I have no further advise for you other than what musicchicus has already said. I merely wanted to add that I truly admire your clear insight in yourself, your sensibility and the way you admit to yourself that this is not who you want to be. And most important of all, that you have taken such prompt action to do something about your insecurity. You'll be fine, I can feel it.