A few nights ago, after finally getting my boyfriend to talk about what has been bothering him, he told me "doesn't know" what he wants right now - to work things out with me or to pursue this connection he felt with someone he met. Unfortunately, he also calls me everyday to make sure I am OK. I get the feeling he is trying to alleviate his own guilt so he can tell me it is really over for us. He says things like " Down the Line" and "maybe someday". Sometimes I wish I wasn't a bright girl so I couldn't read between the lines.
I gave him the space he needs. He didn't ask for it, I told him to take it.
On the other hand, this is the slap in the face I needed to really look at myself. I know exactly when things started to sour between us. I am soooo darn insecure that I drove him away.
I crave love, need love, and need the costant reassurance that I am the center of his universe. He may just ran out of energy or was so petrified that this is how I really am. At any rate, since this all happened last week, I have the opportunity to really look at myself and I didn't like what I saw. What I saw was a pattern of behavior among all of my relationships - family, friends, boyfriends. Each time I thought I was being "rejected" it added on to the insecurity.
All of my boyfriends, and my marriage ended because I didn't think they loved me enough. After my divorce, the guilt of leaving my husband amplified those feelings of insecurity to the point where I suffucated every man in my life since then. I feel unworthy of love, yet crave it at the same time.
Now, I have made an appointment to see a counselor to work on ME. I have gotten a book about insecurity in relationships to work on ME. I feel empowered that I am finally taking care of me.
The problem is that I want to have him with me as I face these demons. How do I communicate to him that I would like him by my side to fight without him believing I am doing this just for him? I don't need him as I have a great support system with friends, but I want him there because there was once love there - awesome love that I miss. And love I know can be great again if neither of us give up on it.
