Please HELP! Trust issues are my OWN

[blueyes25]

I feel like my inability to trust is sabotaging my relationship.

 

My b/f left me last June for a couple of months. We got back together at the beginning of September and it has been shaky ever sense. When he left me, I never gave up hope that we would be together. The reasons he left had nothing to do with me - I was a catalyst. (You can look at previous posts from back then if you really want to) I never realized that my faith would be shaken or that the pain wouldn't just evaporate if we got back together. I thought I would be fine. Turns out, it didn't happen quite as expected.

 

Well, it has been almost 7 months and I still am afraid of being left or hurt again etc. I have never felt that sort of emotional pain and I am afraid of feeling it again. At the time, I felt like I was barely hanging on and I felt like I couldn't ever escape the emotional pain - it was exhausting and scary.

 

I have begun to recognize the toll this has taken and am wondering how to let go and trust again. He is getting increasingly frustrated and unhappy because I am always second guessing him and frankly, not trusting. I find myself checking up on him now, wondering who has called when he doesn't pick up the phone when I am sitting next to him, questioning him like he is on the witness stand and just doing dumb things like this. The worst part is that my feelings are irrational. He has never cheated on me and I didn't start feeling this was until after the break-up. I never treated him that way before. I end up hurting his feelings b/c he feels he doesn't deserve to be treated that way. He sits there and asks himself what he did to deserve it. He is right - he doesn't deserve it - so why do I do it? ](*,)

 

The funny thing is that I don't even think he is cheating on me - it is more of a defense mechanism. I find the worst possible outcome of something related to him, that could happen and run with it in my head - in order to prepare myself for the pain b/c I do not want to be blindsided and completely oblivious like I was before. (When he left me, I had NO idea it was coming - it was literally out of left field) The ironic part is that the defense mechanism is destroying us and not letting us move forward. It doesn't truly help me at all.

 

It is making him seriously unhappy and I am not happy either. We had a discussion last night about it. He says that he wants it to work, but that he just doesn't know if he can do it anymore - but that he wants to keep trying. He says he doesn't want me to leave, but that he is barely hanging on and that the cons are starting to outweight the pros, when it comes to our relationship. This scares me to death and then I beat myself up over and over in my head b/c I feel I have sabotaged everything. I am not sure how to feel secure when he is saying things like this. I feel like the guantlet is hanging over my head. I know I have no control over his feelings and choices - I only have control over me. I want to fix me, but I am unsure of how to fix it. I guess him saying that he wants to keep trying and that he loves me should be enough, but I am still scared. I can't seem to shake the other things that were said. He did say he was sorry and that he wants things to get better.

 

I guess the first step is recognizing your own issues and I have done that and accepted that it is not helping me - but I am unsure of how to fix it. If I realize what I am doing, why can't I just turn it off and trust again? How do you make yourself stop with the defenses?

 

Any suggestions? Thanx for reading.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, your inability to trust CAN sabotage your relationships. I think a lot of people's inability to trust comes from their past, past relationships, etc. If you were let down consistently or hurt by someone you once trusted, like a parent or SO, you most likely have a hard time trusting other people and you take that into your relationships, your friendships, etc. You will tend to look at life as a cup that is half empty instead of half full. Sometimes, in order to overcome that, you just have to tell yourself that not everybody is like that person who hurt you in the past and you have to give people the benefit of the doubt and just TRUST them, esp if they havent given you any sign that they are going to hurt you or abandon you. Trust is a hard thing to do, esp if you have been burned before, but if you dont trust, you will be a lonely person. NOt everybody is out to hurt you.

 

I have a hard time trusting people and have been like that for a long time. That is why I dont date a lot, have only had two long term relationships, and I still have a hard time trusting people. I tend to look at people as out to use me, to harm me, or to have an ulterior motive for me. It is not fun to live life that way and my life has been miserable. I am only now starting to come out of my shell and try to look at life in terms of meeting new people and making new friends as "hey, this person's nice, just trust it". It isnt easy and I find myself second guessing a lot of people and their actions. But it takes time and small steps. The first step is to give people the benefit of the doubt. Good luck.

[blueyes25]

I guess the challenge lies in the fact that I feel he did abandon me - the way it was done was so out of left field - that was exactly how I felt - ABANDONED by the first person that I felt completely safe with (besides my father). I guess that is the root of my issue - I feel he abandoned me and it hurt like nothing I've ever felt before - I felt betrayed and stupid and niave. I guess that is why I am having trouble now.

 

I know I have to let that go in order for us to go anywhere. My challenge is the fact that I KNOW I have to let it go and trust him, but for some reason I am not able to flip that switch inside of me. I know I can do it, I just haven't quite figured out how to get there.

[Bethany]

You have good reason to feel this way, it's not an irrational fear. You can tell yourself this over and over until you're blue in the face but it's not going to work until he does the same.

He needs to put this right and understand what it did to you when he left you before you have any chance of rebuilding what you had.

 

Tell him that he has hurt you in the past, and it's not easy to open up when you've been so badly hurt by him and that you are afraid and that you NEED his reasurance more than ever. Him saying " I'm not sure I can do this anymore" as this is just re-affirming your fears and actually stopping you from trusting him which is the main problem here.

 

You also need to work as a team to fix this because what you really need an "I will do this for as long as it takes because you are worth it and I love you and want to be with you" and if he loves you, he will understand, take on board your feelings and really do whatever it takes so you can relax, love and trust him once more. It's a two way thing and you cannot do it alone.

[emma201279]

hey, ive been in a very similar situation to you. my b/f broke up with me last summer (not because he didnt love me anymore but because he had to concentrate on his work..u can see my previous threads iv written to see my situation). anyway even though he sed he still had all those feelings for me, i was still really hurt at the time by the fact that he let me go in the first place. we got bk together not long ago as he basically realised from being apart what a mistake he had made and how much he wanted to be with me - regardless of his work., and things have been gud so far. however i also had sum trust issues with him as i was scared that id get hurt again..so i understnd how u feel.

ithink the best thing to do is try not to let it get to you. your b/f obviously does really love you or he wudnt have come back to you.

if he's cheated in the past then i wudnt blame you for being worried...but he hasnt cheated and as you said she probably isnt doing it now. i know learning to trust someone is better said than done however.

i understand you're going to be more cautious about things becuase he did hurt you in the past and it can be difficult to forget that.but dont let this overrule you're relationship, otherwise you'll never be allowing yourself to love and feel for him to your full potential..and that wud be a waste. i realised life's too short to always worried about things like that. just try and be confident in yourself and the way he feels about you....but dont blame yourself at all...it's totally understandable.

[blueyes25]

Thank you all very much for your advice - it made me feel better knowing that there are people out there telling me not to beat myself up. I realized that treating myself badly about it, is not going to help.

 

I've definitely learned some things in the past few months about trust and faith. To not trust, allows your fears of being hurt, control you. Fears are a bit delusional because they hold you back, when you should be moving forward...but in some ways they still feel comfortable - like protection. Fears are a form of natural protection, but they can end up hurting you and the people around you more than helping you.

 

What I've realized along the way is that in order to trust, you have to muster up the courage to move beyond your fears of being hurt. You're still scared to take a chance, but you do it anyway. This develops both courage and trust. Hopefully, this is how we learn and grow - by moving beyond that which we fear. It's a balancing act between courage and trust. Really trusting is truly letting go of what you can't control and living in the moment.

 

Everything I just wrote seems to make sense. It seems logical and simple to practice. In truth, it is not as easy as it seems. I can write all of these things down because I truly feel that I know these things. In some situations, the logic is harder to follow because fear is an emotional repsonse and for me, emotional responses are harder to control.

 

Oh well, I am only human and at least I have identified the source of my own fear and what I need to do. I am not prefect, but hopefully, with practice, both courage and trust will grow within me. I will get there and I will be better because of it.