The dumper needs help

[thorak]

hey there.... ok this whole site seems to mainly focus on the dumpee... it has been very very very informative to me as the dumper as to how my ex gf has handled things and why (though she is not computer literate... so i know she hasnt read any of this... she is just a smart girl when it comes to relationships - she was always stronger than I in ours.)

 

im curious, after reading some comments on the dumper having to make contact how I would even go about this!?... we were together for 8yrs... so this is foreign to me... I was only in 2 relationships before this one and they were so long ago and nothing longer than 6 mo. I was 20, she 19 when we started dating.

 

anyone been in this situation.... I regret my decission badly - its been 3.5 months since we split up, but only 2 mo 1 week since we moved away from each other. She has not responded to any of my emails, though she has writen me twice on her own.... I have not seen her except to pick up my mail that hasnt completed the transfer process yet... they have been really short visits (cut short by me) but there have been no harsh words. She asked me to go for a walk a couple weeks ago and it was good, in the end there were a few harsh words from her... but nothing new really... same comments from during our relationship.

 

I spent alot of time sending her emails saying I was sorry, and wanted another chance - expressing words of love etc etc and got NOTHING back from her.... in hindsight I start to wonder if this was ok or not.... still dont know.... hence why I post this question, and where i should go from here.

 

I have since installed my own NC towards her for 2 weeks now, cause I felt after reading these posts that It might be best!

 

back story is she wouldnt commit to marriage - so i left after 6 years engagement... she got a new bf 2 weeks after seperating and while still living together (I found out a month later).... she called it off with him 3 weeks ago... and today she emailed me and asked me for coffee in a week or two.

 

Im still hurting alot and just dont know what to do... dont know how to aproach this anymore.

 

the short version of my loooong story:

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi thorak,

 

After reading the long post, I think that she wants a break from you to "see what's out there". It sounds to me that from her emails she is at least exploring her options.

 

Now the tough part...You wanted a break and she is giving you one. She is taking the time from the break you wanted to see what she can do. She feels free and independent and probably is having a good time. She sees greener grass. Sorry, but that's what I see.

 

What can you do to get her back? I think nothing. I mean nothing in two ways: Let her have the time she needs to figure out what she wants. She is going to take it from you anyway, so let her alone. The other way is realize there isn't anything you can do to get her back. Nothing.

 

I think you should be free yourself. I know, that's easier said than done, but you broke it off and you should be enjoying yourself during the break as well. Settle everything now so you don't have to have any kind of contact with her. If she wants to contact you, you better believe she will. You don't have to contact her at all once all the personal matters (mail etc.) are settled.

 

Keep in mind, no contact doesn't mean that she will want to come back. She may contact you in the future asking a favor, how you are doing, "hope you are doing ok" etc., and depending on your feelings if it happens, you may blow it off or let it set you back.

 

Good Luck

bcuzitwasfun

[annie24]

Hi - I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I think that there are 2 kinds of "dumpers" out there.

 

1) The kind that just weren't that into the ex, so they broke up with them.

 

2) The kind that were really into the ex, but weren't getting what they wanted and were "forced" to dump the other person.

 

#2 sounds like you.

 

I've been in the situation before, where I've just had really really crappy boyfriends that didn't pay attention to me, didn't call me, basically treated me horibbly. And, I called them to break up with them. In those cases, while I was technically "the dumper", honestly, I don't think I had any other choice.

 

If she didn't want to marry you, and you wanted to marry her, then I think that you did the only thing you could do. Tell her that the relationship wasn't working out for you and move on. I'm sorry that you still have feelings for her. It's hard, you were together for a while. But, I think you have to let go.

 

(((HUGS))))

[thorak]

bcuzitwasfun, annie24... you know... I know deep down you are both right, I try and try to accept these things... but I just cant seem to do it... or should I say I dont feel I can accept these comments / thoughts. I will most likely have to ultimately - but right now it seems impossible... trying to find strength to draw from here.

 

annie24 - I most definitely am #2... well I got so much of what I wanted from her - except the actual act of commitment... at times I wish I didn wait 6 years from the time I proposed and gave her the ring to come to terms with the fact she wasnt ready to fully commit to that action... but I loved her and wanted so bad for it to happen.

 

everyone tells me to move on, get a new gf, find a 'friend with benifits'... but you know as much as I may feel I want these things my heart and mind are not near ready for this - it doesnt feel like it will ever be.

[Scout]

 

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I think that there are 2 kinds of "dumpers" out there.

 

1) The kind that just weren't that into the ex, so they broke up with them.

 

2) The kind that were really into the ex, but weren't getting what they wanted and were "forced" to dump the other person.

 

#2 sounds like you.

 

Yeah, I regrettably have to agree. You left her because she wasn't commitment-minded towards you, and you probably hoped it would change her feelings. And yes, typically the only way these situations ever work out is if the person who wouldn't commit has an ephiphany and realizes what they gave up.

 

I wouldn't beat yourself up changing your mind about the break up, but I would say that was your heart acting, not your head. I'm sure you've felt rotten at times, but those sad feelings are not necessarily an indication that you should try to get back together with her. It's just the normal pain of letting go. It seems to me that you really would be unhappy in a repeat of the relationship before. Why not work on letting go, so you can be free emotionally when the right woman comes along for you?

 

It's hard I know, but believe me when I say you have infinitely more strength than you realize.

[Scout]

Also, I'm not sure why your friends are advising you find a "friend with benefits." It seems you left this relationship because you wanted a partner, so settling for a sex only "relationship" isn't exactly going to put you further than you were before.

[Iceman26]

Agree with what everyone has had to say here so far.

 

However, her "break" consisted of going out and spending time with another man. Thats not a break, thats a convenient excuse.

 

This girl, whom you were with for 8 years discarded you as if you were garbage. Why would you want to go back and waste more years on a control freak that won't even let you talk about marriage? Especially after she has been tainted by another man?

 

Come on dude. There is better out there.

[bcuzitwasfun]

hi thorak,

 

The strength to get through theses things comes from you. To me, it doesn't matter if you are the dumpee or the dumper. You have to get the strength from with in yourself.

 

We tend to become obsessed with "who did who wrong" when in a relationship both parties are to blame ultimately. So where do we go from here, no where with the relationship, but forward with you. It is over, done, gone, and you should look at it this way.

 

We all know how you feel, it feels impossible. Trust me, that's how I feel sometimes, however I know that it is up to me to move on. No one else, and I have the ultimate control. No one can stop me unless I let them.

 

Can you blame her for wanting to take a break? I don't know, but you can become obsessed with this question but in a different form .... "How and why would she get involved with someone so soon after I broke up with her". Don't do this to yourself. You made a decision, stick by it. Hang in there!

 

I wish you the best of luck

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[thorak]

Also, I'm not sure why your friends are advising you find a "friend with benefits." It seems you left this relationship because you wanted a partner, so settling for a sex only "relationship" isn't exactly going to put you further than you were before.

 

 

thank you... my point exactly... but they dont get it - then again im talkin about 3 people really, one who just broke up with his gf, the longest relationship he has had... of 2 yrs... because he wanted to sleep with other girls; the other hasnt had a gf in 9 years; and the third is a girl who has been happily maried for 5 years.................they have no clue, they try to help and give advice - but thats why Im glad im here now, with people who understand and have good input that is based on similar experiences.

 

and thank you all for the re-inforcing words... your right... would I want to go back to someone who wasnt commited to me during the relationship, and someone who proved that all the more by moving on so quickly. I do deserve better - Just hard to see at times... all I have known is her for most of my 20's - big change to be alone again, kinda scary... and the thought of entertaining another relationship seems hard right now... after trying for 8 yrs with somone and to be let down (though I hear ya bcuzitwasfun - we both hard our parts to play)... I think a big part of me is scared to try again incase I get hurt again in this way.

[Belgian girl]

I think it's good possible she started so soon after the relationship something new, just to forget the old one. I guess it's a very bad way and it usually ends up after quiete a short period

All the best, Susan