What the Hell is wrong with me?

[Burning]

Do you give awards out for being stupid on this forum? If so, someone please nominate me.

 

About 10 years ago I was separated from my husband because of my own stupidity...infidelity. I realized after putting my self and a bunch of other people through a lot of pain that I actually just wanted to be with my husband and family. At first he didn't want to reconcile. It was EXTREMELY painful.

 

Guess what....I am tempted again. ](*,) Someone please tell me how stupid and selfish that would be before I make another HUGE mistake. If I haven't learned from the first time, does that mean I am sick or just evil?

 

Someone...anyone???

 

Burning

[BellaDonna]

Hi Burning.

 

I was reading over some of your other posts. Did you ever go into therapy as you were planning to? Does your husband know the truth about your child?

 

When you reconciled with your husband- did you try to get the toe root of what made you stray before?

 

 

Guess what....I am tempted again

 

Where is the course of temptation from this time? Who is it? Regardless, I think making the same mstake again is very unwise.

 

You have to make a decision: Do you want to be married or not?

 

I actually just wanted to be with my husband and family

 

If this is true- then your #1 focus right now should be to NOT give in to this new temptation, and to seek therapy so you can prevent these negative patterns and live a more healthy lifestyle with your husband.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Burning]

Thank you so much for responding. I am absolutely lost right now. Sitting at a computer sobbing probably looks really bright.

 

I haven't gone for therapy yet but I plan on it. I am calling the Dr. today.

 

It doesn't really matter who I am tempted by because that is actually a detail but if truth be known, it is my long lost love, the biological father of my child. I haven't even seen him in years...how stupid is that to be thinking of him in that way? I don't know what even triggered this....guilt?? This whole issue of hiding the truth from people all these years?? Now that I want to set the record straight and come clean, am I afraid of discussing these issues with "Cory" for fear of falling in love with him again? Oh man, I am such a loser!!

 

I was a sexual abuse victim as a child...I know that this has definitely impacted on my relationships so yes, I have started to examine some of the root problems. Knowing doesn't help though. I essentially have to stop having feelings.

 

Oh boy!

 

Burning

[BellaDonna]

Ok...well first of all....calm down- you do not need to be so hard on yourself just yet. You are having thoughts about Cory- you have not acted on them- and you have not seen him in years. You have not done anything wrong so far. The way you originally posted made it look like you were planning on cheating tomorrow with someone within your reach.

 

I don't know what even triggered this....guilt??

 

I agree with that. See, you can and are thinking rationally. You're not taking the feelings for their surface value...and that's a good thing.

 

My opinion: Yes, guilt.- Also you may feel either subconsciously or consciously that Cory will put a bandaid on the situation and make the problem go away. It's easy to get lost in a fantasy world where you tell yourself that Cory (the biological father) and you and your child will live happily ever after and you will no longer have to face your husband or the deceit and heavy secret you've held on to over the years.

 

That's fantasy. This is reality: You are a married woman. Your husband loves your child- as his own because that's what he believes. I doubt once your husband knows the truth- he'll stop loving your child. He has already shown unconditional love for you too- by reconciling with you the first time, 10 years ago. Cory is probably nothing like he was when you were in love with him years ago. The chances of you falling in love with Cory again- and him reciprocating, are probably quite slim. I cannot say what Cory's reaction would be to being told he had a child that he never knew about- but I'd assume anger, confusion....shock. Regardless don't worry about feelings of love because they are unlikely with you and Cory- especially given these circumstances. Forget Cory-the main focus needs to be on your husband.

 

I think the very best thing you can do is get yourself into therapy. Clear your mind a little and deal with the issues at hand in a way that will be both productive and respectful for all parties involved. To do nothing will just accelerate this downward spiral you are currently in.

 

Don't be afraid or too proud to seek help, you're at an all-time low...you can only improve from here....but only if you try....

 

BellaDonna

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

There may be a large part of you that thinks you arnt worthy of a decent relationship, hence your self sabotage?

[Burning]

Most likely...otherwise why would I continue to do this to myself?

 

Burning

[Burning]

I should clarify something here....I never told Cory about his daughter because we were young, he wasn't ready for a committment, I didn't think he could handle it and would have been very upset with me. I was too shy and insecure to tell him about it...I should have at least asked for child support if nothing else because she is his biological child. My husband is her dad, though, and always will be...no matter what.

 

Does this mean anything?

 

B

[evy38]

Perhaps you are considering cheating, with a man you don't even know is still interested, so that you CAN destroy the relationship now, before you have to tell your husband that his daughter is not biologically his? You destroy the marriage first, so he doesn't get the opportunity to leave you first? Just a thought..........................

[Burning]

That is really a good thought...it hadn't occurred to me.

 

Thanks

 

B

[Relationship Coach]

BellaDonna is correct here, The best thing to do is focus on your husband and your son. Stirring up the past is a bad idea that will hurt a lot of people and there has been enough pain for you and your family. You need to see a therapist so you can understand what is triggering these urges of yours and learn to put them in check.

 

Telling your husband that his son is not his son serves no purpose at this point for either your son or your husband. As for Cory, his feelings come last. You were given a second chance, many would never have that opportunity. Work with what you have and learn to live with it.

 

RC

[PocoDiablo]

why would I continue to do this to myself?

 

Burning

Because you are bored.

 

Most women get bored in relationships where their male partner is boring, predictable, lazy, etc. You need drama. You like excitement. Cheating and all that craziness that goes along with it feeds your mind and makes you have strong emotions (both high and low, like now) which is what you thrive on.

 

If you go and cheat, getting caught is exciting. It gives you something to do, something to fight for, something to live for.

 

I've met plenty of women like this. The short name for this is "drama queen" and I don't mean it as an insult. It's just that you need more stimulation to survive, so to speak.

 

The problem is that you also know that you need a stable man as a father figure, as a provider, and you have probably been unable to find both an exciting guy and a stable guy in ONE guy. So you cheat.

 

This is not news, human beings have been doing this practically forever. There are plenty of studies that show this, and I've met plenty of women just like you. The solution, in my opinion, is to pick a man who is both family oriented but also exiciting and unpredictable. They're hard to find.

 

What do YOU do right now?

 

Hey, here's a concept, have you ever thought of role playing? Tell your husband to go get a room in a hotel, and meet him there in the middle of the night, whatever. No names, have him wear a mask, whatever it takes. There are lots of things you can do to have your fun and not also destroy the lives of everyone around you. The choice is yours. Of course, one path is immature and childlike because it is selfish, and the other path is mature, highly challenging, but also highly rewarding. Can you guess which one I think it is?

 

Yes, of course, this is just my opinion, and no I did not read your other posts, so I could be a little bit off. But, is there any truth to it?

 

Heck, I've done the hotel thing. It can be a real blast.

[Burning]

Hey everyone....I have an update.

 

I saw the counsellor yesterday and I am starting to gain some insight.

 

10 years ago when I cheated, I was under immense pressure in my career. Last year while continuing to work full time at my professional career, I started a business which I manage in addition to my full time job. It is not uncommon for me to work 16 hours a day...not too different than my life about 10 years ago when I was having the affair.

 

The pattern is that when I start to feel the weight of such immense pressure bearing down on me, I start to fantasize about an escape...and ANY fantasy will do. I have had thoughts about changing my identity and moving to some exotic island....and having thoughts about having an affair. The desire to cheat isn't a reflection on my marriage, or my husband or even my own sexuality. I thought I was trying to fill an unmet need. NOT so...I am trying to escape real life by living a fantasy!

 

Wow...what an eye opener this was for me...and I am quite certain now that I don't want to cheat...I just want to reduce the pressure in my life.

 

Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words...It is and can be very difficult to suppport someone who is tempted by infidelity and you have all been really, really good.

 

Thanks again!

 

Burning...out (not burning with desire like I thought!)

[NW Homey]

My wife was also a victim of sex abuse as a child. Many of her problems stem from this. There are many natural type Doctor/healer types out there that work with emotional healing and clearing. This is some of what she has done to get on track with her life. She hasn't had the work stress that you have since she has been a home maker for 27 years now. It hasn't always been easy but we have made it (barely) financially. Abook that she has recently read that she said helped her understand and deal with guilt is a called "Getting Past Guilt" by Joe Beam. I haven't read it.

I believe, and everything I have read on the internet from relation therapist, that you need to be open and honest with you husband. I would think that you should tell him you are experiencing feelings but don't want them and seek his help and advise. I believe this would instill an unmeasurable amount of trust and confidence on his part that you really do love him and appreciate his willingness to take you back.You must be open and honest and vulnerable to him. If you don't level with him, he will still know something isn't right and not know what it is and may just speculate that you already are having another affair. Hard telling. If you don't feel comfortable about telling him the truth your child, I think that could wait for now but, eventually him deserves to know the truth. As long as you hide truth from him he will never have all of you nor him you. One think I have been learing from my experience is that communication is paramount. My biggest issue right now is trust. This stems largly from her not talking to me about her feeling for someone else before it moved into physical. I know I brought part of that on myself but that is not the issue here.

For what it's worth.

[SexySadie7]

It is possible that evy has touched on an insightful point. I knew this guy who's wife had conceived their child before they got married. The kid wasn't his but she didn't tell him for over 15 years. Maybe 5 years or so after they got married they started to engage in what people often call "the swinging lifestyle".

He said they did it because they were so "devoted" to each other!!! Whatever.. seems like convoluted logic to me.... I felt it was more a guilt thing she did because she wouldn't tell him the child wasn't his and they got married right out of high school! I doubt he had many girlfriends either before her.

Later on, after all that was over and they had another child together that was his, she became involved with some guy she met on the internet.

 

Now.. don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you would resort to such drastic measures, but guilt will make you do strange things.

But needless to say when he did find out the child wasn't his, he was very devastated. I must add though that he still considered the girl to be his own, even though he knew she wasn't his biological child and I'm sure he will always love her.

I'm not sure I would advocate not telling him ever. Just my two cents.

[Burning]

I have never been on a forum where there is so much support and positive affirmation for each other. Thanks to all of you.

 

Sadie...

 

Sometimes I think my husband is more my daughter than she is mine! And for all intents and purposes...he is her DAD. No matter what I decide to do with this whole convoluted mess, he will always be her DAD. Neither of them would have it any other way.

 

Have I waited too long? I know that people have said that my daughter needs to know for medical reasons...but does she need to know otherwise? I know this is going to sound really selfish...but if I felt I couldn't tell anyone then, can I tell them now? Oh, why are (some of us) so stupid when we are young???

 

Burning...out

[yeawutever]

You were lucky to have been given a second but by telling him that it's not his daughter, u'll ruin it. In ur case might as well keep it to urself, it'll serve for good in bringing out the 10 year ago past affair. And no, the child doesn't necessarily have to know. At times, u have to keep terrible secrets to urself, otherwise, u'll lost more thna wut u gain.