Nowhere to go but up

[sweetheart230]

I was forced today to evaluate myself fully. I think I finally might have begun to see the truth about myself and about searching for my own self worth. My last two posts were self obsessed rants about how I don't really know if I'm pretty or not or if I'm just crazy to think so.

 

I put myself on link removed b/c I'm stupid and impressionable. And at first it was a 7.2, then it was a 4.5, and now its at like a 7 (its off now b/c I realised how dumb it is). But the few hours that it was a 4.5 I almost lost my mind. Literally. I thought I was ugly, average, worthless. But, then, I was forced to do some soul searching because I was completely miserable. What if I was really a 4.5? Forgetting the fact that some ppl gave me 1's and some ppl gave me 10's, I really believed it for a few hours, that I was below average. It devastated me.

 

So I made an emergency appt with my counselor and complained andn cried about it to him. And he finally just said to me "if you had been rated a 10, you would have been happy for a day and then tomorrow found some other proof that you're not good looking. No one will ever convince you you're pretty until you believe it. Every compliment you've ever received you've rationalized away."

 

I still just figured he was just trying to delude me into thinkin gi was pretty so i'd be happy for once. But then, I thought about it. If I was really not pretty, then was my life really over? No, it wasn't. Besides, I thought I was pretty in the picture I put online (i wasn't wearing makeup, but that's beside the point). I was still smart, funny, passionate and incredibly sweet. No one can take that away from me. I have a big, warm heart and I'm creative and charming. Would I rather give up all those things to look like Heidi Klum? No. I felt that I was so unique and wonderful inside that if I stopped fighting it and caring about the outside, the inside would radiate outward and I would really truly find love and tenderness in someone who thought I was special.

 

So then I stopped thinking about my looks. And something amazing happened (and its only been a day)... guys were totally into me. People were into me in general. I was smiling and happy. Guys who I vaguely knew were checking me out and coming up to me and talking to me and acting all nervous and cute. The fact that I didn't feel good looking didn't preclude me from enjoying the attention.

 

So, then I get back to my computer tonight and see that in fact, I am sorta hot. And the sick thing is, I don't even care what some stupid website says about me anymore. I like who I am inside. Nothing can take that away, even if my looks fade. Confidence and believing who you are is amazing is actually what attracts people... the right people. Of course, the fact that i am pretty and attractive and men dig the way I look makes life a little nicer.

 

I'm finally seeing the fact that despite the fact that I'm beautiful on the outside, the fact i hid how beautiful I was on the inside made me unattractive. Who wants someone who is so obsessed with what they look like? Who could deal with that for an hour, let alone a lifetime?

 

So, now, I'm beginning to enjoy the attention from guys that I've so desperately wanted in the past. The only thing I did differently is smile if I wanted to, cause I wasn't thinking "oh waht if i'm not pretty enough" I was thinking "who cares". And I was practically magnetic today. I felt like some female dog in heat or something. The only thing stopping me from getting guys was my standoffish attitude, insecure and self centeredness.

 

Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is beautiful... and I actually believe its true and not some illusion now. I dont' need a bunch of people validating it anymore... I just know what I see and feel is true. Funny how I needed to be taken down a notch to finally start believing I was beautiful inside and out.

[tranquil]

good for you! im glad you finally found inner happiness and i hope you stay this happy and confident in the future

[keenan]

Great post. I like hearing your real voice.

[Dako]

Thanks for posting that.

Should be a sticky.