I have a really really stupid question please bear with me

[sweetheart230]

This is going to sound very dumb, but I was just wondering... if a girl doesn't flirt with a guy or smile very much will she most likely not get guys asking her out?

 

I guess I thought that cause I'm pretty I'd get asked out even if I wasn't approachable and I don't flirt or smile much. Like guys seem interested in me a lot, but lose interest real quick. I feel like maybe its just because I'm not as pretty as I think I am.

 

I have some serious self image problems. I think I'm beautiful and have been told this a bunch of times (but those people may have just been being nice to me, you know?) I think sometimes I'm really nuts and not really as pretty as I see myself.

 

I'm starting to think that my lack of dating since the last bad relationship (where he put me down a lot) has to do with me not being as pretty as I think... not really that I don't flirt or smile. I guess I feel like if I really was cute, I wouldn't have to flirt and smile and stuff to get dates, like guys would want to take a risk to get to know me.

 

Like I said, I don't flirt or smile, but I have been trying to talk to more people once in a while. But I feel like they aren't interested at all... and I feel like if I was as pretty as I see myself as, I wouldn't have to flirt and stuff... like talking to them would be enough for them to ask me out or whatever.

 

I dunno what to think. I really don't know if its my looks or my attitude. I mean lots of people have said I'm beautiful... why would they lie? But if I am as cute as the person I see in the mirror, wouldn't guys want me regardless of my attitude?

[NJRon]

You could be amazingly gorgeous in every way but, if I come up to you and you give me no signals of interest, I'm off to greener pastures. Stop being so concerned with your looks and work on your personality.

[mystik]

I agree with NJRon. Although, as a girl, I am obviously concerned with my looks and will dress up and stuff...but I don't think I'm that pretty. AND let's just say in elementary school I was constantly reinforced of that fact BUT I've gotten over it. In highschool I grew out of my awkward and feeling ugly phase (I think!) and decided, 'to heck with it. I may not be as pretty are hot as all those "popular" girls but I can do what I can (make-up, hair, clothes - but not like Britney spears/Pamela Anderson style) and just be as confident as I can.' So! I guess my point is, I think I smile a lot, I'm a pretty big flirt - if I like someone - and I try to keep the conversation going and make people laugh...and it has worked for me so far.

 

No matter how "cute" or "hot" you are, that's not going to get you anywhere in life. You shouldn't assume that because you are cute enough, that guys are going to ignore the fact that you don't smile or respond to their advances. They could easily move on to the other millions of cute girls in the world - especially ones who are at least going to smile back at them. Why the heck would they want to be with you "regardless of your attitude"...that comment right there is just wrong... Guys aren't that shallow. Looks aren't everything, and really, the sooner you realize that, the happier you're going to be.

[sweetheart230]

I mean I sometimes start conversations with guys... isn't that showing enough interest? Ok, I've only done it once in the last couple of weeks... he seemed responsive and really eager to talk to me, but he hasn't given an indication he wants to know me better.

 

I have a good personality. But, i just feel like no one wants to really see it. There's so many good things about me that I never get to share with anyone (guys, anyway). I just feel like they're not interested at all and if I was as cute as I perceive myself to be, they would be. Maybe I see myself differently than others do... like anorexics.

 

 

I don't think looks are everything, but I feel like no one wants to get to know me cause I'm not as cute as I think I am. I don't know. I get scared to flirt b/c no matter how hot I look when I leave the room or how many people reinforce it I still feel like guys don't find me very pretty and aren't attracted to me and don't want me to flirt with them or smile at them. I only feel safe flirting and smiling if they've shown me they're interested first, which no one seems to do.

 

I guess I just thought that guys would ask me out just cause I was pretty. And because that hasn't happened in the last couple of months, I'm concluding its cause I see myself as being good looking when I really am not.

[NJRon]

No.. cute has little to do with it actually. You have to be attractive to the other person (which, that definition varies from person to person anyway) and you have to show genuine interest in them. Faking being nice is a turn off. faking interest is a turn off. If you have a good personality, show it. Engage people in conversation. Cute, by itself, is pretty useless without follow through.

[NR498E]

The best way to let a guy know your into him is by making eye contact.

If you look a guy in the eyes from accross the room or whatever that is a green light for him to come up to you.

I can't approach a girl if I don't get that.

[mystik]

I just feel like they're not interested at all and if I was as cute as I perceive myself to be, they would be. Maybe I see myself differently than others do... like anorexics.

 

I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel pretty or cute...sometimes when I dress up I think wow! I look great. It doesn't really matter how others see you as much as how YOU see yourself. It's great that you think you're cute - BUT you cannot assume or believe that because a guy isn't interested, that it's simply because you're not cute enough for HIM. There are more factors than looks that guys (and girls) look for.

 

But let's just say that he really doesn't think you're super super cute...then what do you do about it? There's nothing you can do about your looks - so focus on getting your good personality out there. Let him know that you're an awesome person. Let him know that you think he is an awesome person. And what if he he still seems uninterested? Then you'll at least know that you tried - and that you didn't just rely on your cute looks to get yourself a boyfriend. And bonus! You'll find out he's a shallow person who you wouldn't want to get involved with anyway.

 

Stop thinking that if you're cute enough that it's enough for them to stay interested. That's taking the easy way out and really, believing your looks are enough to keep a guy - not attractive.

[sweetheart230]

I guess I just want to know if I'm crazy to think I'm good looking. Guys seem to stare at me a lot and I've been called beautiful a bunch of times (I actually get really insecure unless someone other than my mother tells me this every couple of weeks), but honestly, I'm starting to think guys' lack of interest has to do with how I look because how can they not like my personality... they don't even know my personality.

 

I guess I just want to know if I'm disillusioned and crazy to have a high opinion of my looks or if I have an accurate perception of how I look and my attitude is the problem.

[mystik]

How about...both. It's not one or the other. If you already know that guys are looking at you a lot and people tell you you're beautiful all the time as you say, then you're probably not some beast. You need to stop thinking about how hot you are or not. And, guys don't know any girl they meet's personality...UNTIL they get to know them! That's the whole point. And if you're not smiling, and are unresponsive, that IS an indication of your personality, whether you think so or not. Who wants to get to really know you if you look like you'd rather be somewhere else...OR if they get the vibe that "this girl thinks she's hot, and thinks that is enough" maybe that's what turns them off. You have got to change your attitude first, regardless of how hot you are, or how how you think you are.

[keenan]

So...the worst case is you aren't as pretty as you think you are. That may be true. Then what? You still want to meet people, right? Not smiling isn't working, so try smiling. Assume you're pretty *enough* for a guy to find you pleasant to look at most of the time, then put some effort into the other (more important) stuff. I've found that eye contact + smiling + fun attitude + genuine interest in what a guy is saying = plenty of invitations. I'm not gorgeous...just cute enough to make my way in the world so long as the other components are there to make a package. Thank goodness you *aren't* just your looks!

[mystik]

and really, we have no idea what you look like so we can't tell you if you're disillusioned. but in a happy, perfect world, there are no ugly people. And besides, what if you are 'inaccurate' of your perception. Then what? Will you change your looks and focus on that only? Guys themselves have already posted that cuteness has little to do with it.

[keenan]

...but if you're just dying to know what people think of your looks, why don't you post your picture to Hot or Not (http://www.hotornot) and see what kind of feedback you get?

[vesper]

sweetheart230 - there is nothing more attractive than confidence...I am sure that your are very beautiful!!!! you have to believe in yourself, come on!!!

 

You also have to allow yourself to be open to new experiences and new people, letting them share with you and share with them, listening is important, having things to talk about is imporant, and above all....CONFIDENCE!!!!

[sweetheart230]

You do have a point. I guess its just that my ex made me feel that the only thing I was good for sex. I guess after a while he liked me for other reasons, too, but I always felt like the only reason he wanted me was cause I was pretty, and if I was prettier he would have been nicer to me.

 

Then he said I wasn't attractive at all and he didn't want me and didn't even want to use me for sex. Then I'd feel worthless and he would say he was just playing games or that I pissed him off and tell me how hot I was and I'd feel better. Luckily he's gone for the last 3 months, but I still feel like no one will ever be interested in me unless I'm beautiful. So I get scared that I'm really not and no one will ever want me because I'm as unattractive as he said I was.

[vesper]

sometimes men intentionally will make a girl feel insecure and play mind games and confuse her because they are really into her...sounds odd but true...

[sweetheart230]

He did it to control me. He knew I was messed up and lonley already and he made me feel so bad about myself that when he actually made me feel good I'd do whatever he wanted. Whatever he wanted usually having to do with sex.

 

When we were "off again" he'd ask me about who I was dating and stuff, and I'd tell him about guys who I was hanging out with... one I met at a party and made out with and he told me that it was probably really late at night and the guy had been turned down by so many other girls and I was the most convenient girl around.

 

And he later claimed he helped my self esteem. Right.

[keenan]

This is very sad. I'm sorry I was flippant before about the hot or not site. Don't let even the MEMORY of this guy bully you. I'm sure you're wonderful. Work on your own confidence from the inside out, and the outside (both your perceptions and the perceptions of strangers) will matter less after awhile. I think rae got it exactly right: meet people, share, listen, have fun, act confident and happy. Smile. And don't let guys use you or control you.

[vesper]

excellent!! sweetheart230 - I think you have figured it out!! you let this guy's mindgames get to you...congrats for seeing the truth of it.

[sweetheart230]

I just really wonder sometimes if he was right and I'm just delusional.

[vesper]

so you are going to let him control you then by believing him.... that's your choice. sorry to hear that...

[sweetheart230]

I've cut him out of my life for good. But I still doubt myself from time to time. I should know better... his ego was way too big to be involved with a girl who wasn't pretty.

 

But I am absolutely terrified at the idea of not being very pretty. I don't smile or flirt because I always feel like guys will think I'm not good looking enough and not want to be bothered with me.

 

And then I think well, I'm right, cause if I was pretty, they would ask me out and be interested.

 

No matter how much I'm told I'm beautiful, I still refuse to believe it and I have no idea why. Even my therapist said so, but he has to say that.. what else is he supposed to say really. But then I find myself trying to look really good for him so he doesn't think in his head "is this girl nuts... she's not cute at all no wonder she doesn't sate".

 

God I'm sick. Writing this down makes me realize how ridiculous I am.

[mystik]

sweatheart... what do you want us to say? That he's right? You're delusional? You're actually really ugly so your life is over? Stop pitying yourself and allowing him to still have power over you. Don't use these excuses to explain why guys aren't instantly falling heads over heels over you. Do something other than sit and care about your looks so much!

[mystik]

 

But I am absolutely terrified at the idea of not being very pretty. I don't smile or flirt because I always feel like guys will think I'm not good looking enough and not want to be bothered with me.

 

God I'm sick. Writing this down makes me realize how ridiculous I am.

 

Kay firstly, we are all terrified of being unattractive. That's a normal fear. I really don't feel comfortable flirting if I don't have my make up on. In fact, I don't do it. If I like someone, I'll always make sure my "face" is on because I'm scared to death he won't like me if I'm not. If I feel comfortable enough later, when the guy seems nice enough, I'll start wearing my glasses sometimes and sometimes don't have my make up on. I think all girls do this...so don't think you're sick. You're not sick! I bet all and everyone of the posters in this forum have the same fear. It's just that some people hide it very well, or they decide it's not a fear worth spending time worrying about. There's more to life. You just have to really understand that looks aren't everything. Dress up, do what makes you look pretty, but if, at the end of the day, a guy is not going to be bothered with you when you're all natural - do you really want to be with him? You're letting guys determine how confident you are. Your self worth is not defined by how many guys think you're pretty. Your self worth is not defined by having a boyfriend, especially a crappy boyfriend. I'm sorry if I sounded mean in the earlier posts but I'm really trying to help you see this.

[vesper]

God I'm sick. Writing this down makes me realize how ridiculous I am.

 

ha ha..lol......sometimes our girlfriends can help us feel good about our self image too...

[sweetheart230]

I know Looks aren't everything. I just wonder why no guys ask me out despite the fact that I thought I was good looking. That's all.

 

I like who I am inside. I think others will too. I'm just scared no one I like will give me a chance b/c I'm not pretty enough.. that I was wrong about myself and people are lying to me.

 

I just feel like no one will ever be attracted to me and want to get to know me better. That I'll have to work extra hard or something to get a guy and I'll have to settle for less than I deserve because no decent guy will ever want me.