Just When I Thought I Was All Right....

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi. I have been working through a difficult break-up of a year-and-a-half-long relationship. I have described more about this relationship in past posts, but in summary, things have reached that point where frustration continually erupts when we are together. There are many reasons why this can't work right now.....

 

I have been feeling a little better as of late, but tonight I had a setback. One of the many things my boyfriend and I shared was time and affection for a little kid named Daniel, whom my boyfriend met through the Big Brothers program. Throughout this past year, all three of us have spent a lot of time together and have grown close. Although my boyfriend is not with me, Daniel still visits me daily at the store I own and operate.

 

Tonight, as usual, Daniel was asking about my boyfriend. He innocently insists he can help us get back together, and despite my telling him "no" he called my boyfriend from the store. He told him to come and see me, shave and dress nice, and that I wanted to marry him. Throughout the conversation, charming as it was, I felt a growing pain and anxiety in my heart. I wanteed to grab the phone and hear my boyfriend's voice, but I knew I couldn't.

 

I had been trying to be so strong, to forget about things, but tonight, knowing I was only seconds away from talking to him, I felt defeated by my pain once again. I also felt this worry that my boyfriend thought I was cold for not speaking to him, and that he might have heard me saying "Daniel, no!" when Daniel was asking him to swing by the store.

 

This little episode created this painful longing anew, and I began hoping that perhaps my boyfriend would indeed swing by...I started watching for his car...I thought maybe he would call. Did he think I was rude? Was he hurt if he heard me saying "No"? I kept thinking, worrying over and over. It took all my strength to not call and apologise, to just say "Hi--How have you been."

 

I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes....Mostly I am worried I was mean for saying "No" to a possible visit......If he overheard, would he think I was cold? Maybe it's just that I am afraid of letting go..afraid of my pain, afraid of the cold feelings of loneliness....Here I am at the store, trying to smile, but feeling so forlorn all over again....

 

What can be done about these relapses? I was trying to be strong....am I mean?

[segagirl]

Sorry to hear about tonight....though there is not much you can do to keep the feelings from coming back. Being strong is all you can do...stick to what you think is the right thing to do. I do not think it was mean per say, I think if you are worried about hurting his feelings you may want to say sorry..i mean it was prob. very hard for him as well....But not at the risk of you...i mean don't say anything if it will take you somewhere you do not want to go.

Hang in there, you are strong...just be true to you!

[raggamuffin]

Set backs are a natural part of getting oversome one that you have been in a long term relationship, I have been out of my relationship for 10 months and I have set backs ALL of the time. I think your really brave for not talking to im or seeing him, because I know I havent been that strong and I wish I could be. In time things will get easier and the setbacks will be less and less painful. Keep Smiling. PS dont worry about what your ex thinks if he did infact hear you, your just looking out for your self, nothing more and nothing less. You didnt mean him any harm by it im sure so there is nothing to feel guilty about.