How to develop confidence in yourself, make better decisions, etc.

[intrigue_]

I have a tendency to overreact to things... i.e. tend to extremes. Something minor will happen but I'll often blow it out of proportion. Another poster here said that to be more confident in myself I have to learn to make the right decisions, and I'll eventually learn to be less paralyzed. But I still tend to seek advice a lot. I guess how do I know when I am making the 'right' decision, and I'm not being too dramatic/tending to extremes about it? How can you develop that confidence? I always doubt myself so I'm not really sure... I'ev never really possessed that confidence I guess.

[renaissancewoman101]

Intrigue_ you remind me of myself. Like you, I tend to overreact to things, worry about everything under the sun, second guess my decisions to do things, etc. Confidence is something I lack a lot of and I have a hard time making decisions. I have learned to get more confidence by making more decisions and living with the consequences. As for making the "right" decision, at the end of the day it comes down to what YOU feel is the right decision, not what everybody else tells us is the right decision. For example, my move to CA from WI. Everybody I knew out there (except for my best friend) told me that I was crazy for moving out here and that I would regret it, etc. I took people's advice but I made the decision to move out here and I stuck with it. Am I completely happy about it? Not all the time. Do I still second guess myself and wonder what would have happened if I didnt move? Yes. But I am living with the decision and I am coming to realize that it was the right decision. That confidence, albeit small, is helping me to move on with my life here. The next step is finding a job.

 

Sometimes, you just have to suck it in and make a decision and live with it. If it turns out bad, it isnt the end of the world and you live with it and move on. If it turns out good, you take the good from it and add it to your confidence level.

 

As for advice, sometimes you just have to trust your gut feelings about things and act on that. Everybody you ask for advice is going to have their own spin on the situation and it might not necessary be the right one for you because only you know yourself. No one else does.

[Lady Bugg]

RW you sound MUCH more confident than you did in WI..I am very very proud of you for sticking to your guns. I can see you looking back a year from now..and being SO happy you decided to move. Good for you!!!

[intrigue_]

Hey Rennaissance Woman,

 

Thanks a lot for the comment, I feel like we can relate a lot. I second guess myself all the time. I think it might have been because my parents were over-protective when I was younger and always made decisions for me, never really trusted myself... and it's just been harder to trust myself now. But it could also be my personality... I just sway from decision A to B to C and never know which decision would be best. I have to ultimately just accept that whether or not it's the 'best' decision in an objective sense, it is what is 'best' for me at the time and I made the decision under those circumstances and in that mindset. You can't change the past. I think I just have to learn to accept that, but it is hard.

 

Did you find you were always this way, and how long did it take you to earn that confidence you have now?

[Lady Bugg]

Intrigue,

 

Hiya. I think your parents influence definetly could have hindered your ability to think for yourself. That's not to say you're parents were wrong..they were probably trying to act in your best interest..but sometimes we simply just need to learn things for ourselves.

 

I moved away from home at 19...out of state and was basically forced to

live on my own and fend for myself. Some decisions were good, some not so good...but I am stronger for each and every one.

 

I also think second guessing yourself is very normal...especially when it is a decision that is likely to affect another person. It is harder in those cases....I think what you're feeling is VERY normal. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[intrigue_]

Hi LadyBugg,

 

Thanks so much... did you read my previous thread? Maybe that influenced your comment, lol.

[renaissancewoman101]

Intrigue_, are you Asian by any chance? I have noticed that a lot of Asian parents overprotect their children and dont give them the autonomy to live life and then when they grow up, the children have low self-esteem problems and have trouble making decisions. My mom was very overprotective of me when I was growing up and she would make a lot of my decisions for me and/or criticize me if I didnt do things her way. That is one reason why I moved from LA out to Milwaukee, WI. I wanted to learn to live life on my own. My life in Milwaukee was tough in the beginning but I adjusted and ended up spending 15 years out there.

 

I still second guess my decisions nowadays. I am doing a lot better emotionally since I moved out to CA. The weather out here, the sunshine and the change of scenery has done me some good. I still have a hard time making decisions and keeping positive about things and I still worry about things. But, one small step at a time, that is what I am concentrating on.

 

As for confidence, there are days I am more confident about myself and there are days I am not. Yesterday, I went for a job interview thing and it didnt go so well, so my confidence level was kind of low. It really depends on what is going on. I try to live in the fact that I actually had the guts to move out here and that I am not afraid to try things, etc. I use that to try and give myself confidence when I dont really feel it. Sometimes faking the confidence actually causes you to FEEL confident inside.

[Celadon]

Intrigue, I know what you mean. I consider myself to be a smart person, yet still I ask for lots of advice and struggle with feeling sure about my decisions. I'm learning to be more confident though.

 

You know how parents are told to try to "catch" their children in the act of doing something good? (To encourage good behavior.) Basically, I believe in doing that for oneself - not just to encourage good behavior but to reward yourself for good behavior, or good decisions, etc.

 

Here's my example: This week I was with a friend who is still bitter about a bad boss she once had. I happen to know her boss, as an acquaintance. My friend is still so consumed with her anger that she tries to get information about him from me. This week, I basically turned her down and refused to talk about him.

 

Now, I think that was a good decision on my part, because I don't want to encourage her being bitter and I certainly don't want to hear her going on and on and on about him again.

 

Before, I would have complained silently to myself about her behavior, thinking about how bitter she is and wondering "when will it end?" Before, I would have focused on her instead of on myself - and what's under my control - and instead of what a good decision I made.

 

It's a small example, for sure, but I'm convinced if I keep catching myself in the act of making good decisions, I will become more confident over time. Hope this helps!