the "Long" Break

[aving21]

I have posted the situation in another thread labeled "my situation" But i need some advice yet again. In short my gf doesnt want a relationship at the moment and wants a "long" break. However she says she still loves and cares about me and wants to be there for me during these times. I am seeing her today and using some advice i have seen in the "perfect plan" I am going to tell her "look i respect your descision to want alot of alone time, But we can work this out together and move on" She is pretty stubborn and will prob say "not now" But she always emphasises NOW she says i dont want a relationshio NOW. But she still wants to talk. After i say that i will plainly say that we wont work through this if we communicate at all but if she is aloen she doesnt have to be that i am wiling to be there for her as i was before. But this is the last time i will ask to work this out. And then i will go NC. Now Has any one been in the position of wanting "time off" but still being in contact? Will the NC show her that she will have to face the choice of with or without me? What does she want out of this "time alone" we agreed if we were gonna hook up or something wed let each other know to save the pain of finding out but we both said that is def nto what we are looking for. So what is her mindset. She wants me there but no relationshio NOW is she trying to hold on so when she wants me back im right there. Or does she just really still want me and is just confused. Also is NC important here?

[NJRon]

I don't know if complete NC is important, I will leave that to other people. From my point of view, if your intention is to see if she will get back together, then I would just only allow her to contact you and only respond if she asks an actual question.

 

i.e. Don't respond to "I love you."

Do respond to "Is everything ok with you?"

 

As for her use of NOW. I agree. It is entirely an inability to commit. Coomitment can be to a relationship or to NOT having a relationship, but if you can't commit either way, I think it's pretty useless.

 

I htink you are doing the right thing by telling her, if she says no, that you will go your own way then. If she ever determines that she is ready for a commitment, then she can come back and maybe you will still be around.

 

As for letting each other know if you are going to hook up or not. Trust me. Don't do that. It will hurt more. Better if, during this "break" you just move on as if you are single... because you are.

[princessdi75]

My boyfriend did something similar to me last week when he "broke up" with me (we're together now and everythings fine) but he said he still had all the same feelings. Turns out he just thought it would be better for us to "just be friends" because he thought I wasn't happy in the relationship. Not true. So we talked and worked things out. You need to decide what you want and follow through. I personally couldn't "just be friends" with my current bf cuz i love him and wouldn't be able to handle it. A "long" break, just seems like a game to me, and I wouldn't put up with it.

[nikkers04]

I would stay definatly start talking less...it will make her start to wonder...she will get to see what life is like with out you in it...and it may be enough to get her to come back...My ex did the same thing...wanted space and it didn't matter how much space I gave him it wasn't enough...so 6 months later...I started dating someone else...and the ex is running back...Silly Boys

[aving21]

She just says she has alot of pressure and doesnt want to make descisions based on having a bf. But basically still wants the support. My mom says she just wants to go out and party and shell realize it wont be what shes looking for. But i am telling her if we arent together i wont be in her life. And she said before "thats not fair after all weve been through". I told her i knwo we are meant to be and she said "well i dont know that yet give me time". But shes like i may need ALOT of time. so basically today if i indeed see her im gonna see. Ok ir espect your time off you need because we have issues to work out on your own. But we can work this out now and it will be ok if we are honest. But this is the last time im asking for now on.

[NJRon]

It is entirely fair. Fair is about giving someone a choice and making the consequences of that choice clear and then giving them the freedom to make their own decision.

 

Don't give an ultimatum, like this is the last time. Just lay out the choices and the consequences. Don't paint yourself into a corner.

 

Like... if we go on this break, that's it, we are never getting back together. Instead, if we go on this break, I may not be here if you decide to come back.

[ocrob]

I would say that there are two things not to do. Do not be too available for her and do not pressure her. I have done both in the past and it ended up doing a lot of harm. It does not sound like you are going to be able to convice her to work through things at the moment because it does sound like she needs time. I would tell her that you will respect this, but that you want to take some time away from talking to her. I would not make her feel like it is all or nothing, but I would go NC for at least two weeks. The time away from you may make her realize that she wants you as a boyfriend. I had an ex the broke up with me and we decided to take two weeks apart. She showed up at my door to pick up her stuff and we ended up getting back together for another few years. Just do not pressure her or give her an ultimatum and do not be there as her support system. Good luck!

[eddie500]

You need the hard truth, most likely she is not in love with you anymore.. if she was she wouldn´t need her space, and need time. Most likely in less you become famous, win the lotto.. she won´t fall back in love with you.. This is the hard truth.. when the love end its over.. Best advice is to start getting over her and finding someone else...

[aving21]

I talked to her last saturday and the following convo accured.

I mentioned seeing her just to talk abotu this in person. She said im still in love with you and i think il just jump back into it if i see you. She says she has not let go of our love. But she said that just happens and doesnt happen on purpose. She still loves me i can tell. And well see today what i get out of her. She was my first and i hers. She still loves me because i can feel it. If i didnt think so id just say no im done as well and move on.

[princessdi75]

I don't entirely agree with Eddie, I think that's a pretty big assumption. If she still tells you she loves you, yet needs a "break" there might be other things into play than just her feelings for you. It's all about communication. Let her have her space if that's what she needs, and when she's calling you, then make sure you talk and decide what you both want and figure out where to go from there. My biggest problem with my BF is communication, so I can understand how confused you must be over your girlfriend.

[aving21]

Yah first it was a break up now its a break. but im treating it as if i can possibly lose her. so il hang in there with NC unless she calls ill call her considering what she says in voicemail. if its "hey you checkin up on you" thats a wiaste of time but if its "hey you i miss you just thinking about you i love you etc" ill message her next day saying im sorry i misse dher call =) basically to ehr teh grass is greener right now. and i need to let her figure that out on her own. I wont conider girls until she turns this into a complete breakup. But i honestly think we are meant to be. Just not now. And she just needs to re find that in ehr heart. Which only time away on strict NC can do.

[aving21]

No Hooking up with others but thats not the deal. Im treating this as a break up. Im moving on my own and taking care of myself. We had a really nice time today in which all we were gonna do was hang out but we ended up intimate. But anyways. No time limit but i told her if im ready to restart it and shes not i will look elsewhere. If i am healed im nto gonna wait around for her forever. but i will always remember her. shes my first and only =) and same for her.

[aving21]

No we actually kind of mutually agreed to it. More liek me realizing we need time apart. I need some time to settle myself. I have mild manic depression and a cutitng problem i need to deal with on my own. Whiel she doesnt want any pressure for school. So im giving it to her. I truly believe we are meant to be. But i am moving on my own. When i think my life is in order. I will cal her telling her how i feel(if we havent talked) and if she still isnt ready then i will open my eyes then to others.

[ocrob]

Aving, I think you are on the right track. I think the hardest thing with an ex is hope. If you are just going with the flow and are not hoping for her to come back, then you are in great shape. I wish you the best.

[aving21]

Yah after today i saw her and i thought you know what. If im so sure we are meant to be why not just live on. Have fun. Explore my life more. And if we get back together it doesnt matter what i did anyways right? If i sit and wait for her or have a good time while keeping her in my mind. I feel really strongly about us being back together and she is just in a state of confusion. But i think i will do alright no matter the outcome. And i do plan on having her in my life somehow. But if its as friends that will take longer Than getting back together.

[NJRon]

Thta's a great attitude. It's hard to keep up sometimes, but is essentially what I adopted when My ex and I split. I truly felt like we were "meant to be"... but after a while, I relaized that if we truly were meant to be, then we would be. Nothing would get in the way of that. So, I started to live my life.

[aving21]

But the whole thing just feels temporary now. I saw her yesterday and she was so passionate in bed. She lashed out and atacked my neck leaving a mean bruise. These actions seem weird for some one who says she doesnt need us. She said this "im ready to let go of us. but not you" on the phone. She says she is a bad person and wont miss me at all but that in the future when she is ok with herself that she sees the possibility of us together. But if she doesnt want me in that way why would she still make love to me and actually be pasisonate about it. It feels liek her feelings are temporary but again i cannot live on that. I have to move on like we wont get back together even though i think we will. That way if we dont down the road i will have gotten over it. Not have heartache way down the road instead.

[NJRon]

Yeah, she seems to be very attracted to you, but the fact that she can be totally free and do her own thing and "be bad" is probably adding fuel to her passion right now. While this might be a great fwb relationship if it had started that way, moving backwards from a relationshhip to that is a pretty bad idea. In all, it really seems toxic and I think you are doing yourself justice to cut it off entirely.

 

I really think that her saying "she will not miss you at all" is really just her denial in effect. Trying to convince herself that that is the case. She will miss you if you aren't there... but until then, yeah, there's nothing for her to miss.

[aving21]

Yah shes stubborn and i think yesterday really confused her. Like afterwards shes like I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. whenever she tells me things about how she wont miss me how she needs this and that sounds more liek shes convincing herself. I cant help but want to be there for her. She has no friends really only flaky ones and her mom tells her to deal with her problems so she always went to me about em. Will it take a problem for her to realize this? Ya she mentioned how we could be friends and still be intimate about a week ago. And that in time it may turn back into what we had but i said that would be too hard on me. So day 1 NC and i already feel like calling her to tell her she doesnt need this but she does. So i will try to get through my days and i have a feeling she will need me soon. and miss me. Just depends on how stubborn she is and wants to realize what we had is worth more than being alone. She will get lonely maybe thats what she needs.