No Contact Success Story!!

[Amore]

Today marks the 3rd week of strict No Contact I've had with my ex, even though we broke up over 2 months ago. The first month I attempted NC, but I always ended up talking to him and refusing to let go. But nearly 7 weeks after the breakup, I can finally say that NC has succeeded!

 

Now, it may not be the results I expected, and this might not be the success story you want to hear. For weeks I refused to move on, using NC as a tool to make my ex miss me and take me back. I put up with all of the advice from family and friends, the advice I didn't want to hear. "There are other guys out there, you deserve better, this was your first boyfriend it would never last, etc." Of course, like anyone with a broken heart, I took their words with a smile and a nod but refused to truly believe them.

 

3 weeks ago -- the start of my strict NC -- I was with a group of friends, and my ex was there. He verbally abused me in front of everyone, saying that I'm a nuisance, do nothing but hold him back, always get in the way, etc. I was crushed; this was the same guy who had told me mere months ago that he would love me forever. And that's when it hit me: I really do deserve better.

 

Now did that magically make my heartbreak fade and keep my mind off him? Of course not. But instead of concentrating on how much I missed him, I forced myself to concentrate on how badly he has been treating me. I still wanted him back... my NC was still a tool to make him long for me. And at first, it was so painful. I commend anyone who makes it past those first difficult days of NC! But as the days went on, I started setting goals for myself. Because my ex was still in our group of mutual friends, I knew we would eventually come back into contact, so I told myself that I would contact him in a month (it would have been his birthday) to let him know that I still wished to be friendly.

 

I was literally counting down the 30 days until I would talk to him again. I tried fighting off my feelings for a friend of mine because I knew that if I got together with him, I would never get the chance to go back to my ex if he ever did come around. But as the days of NC went on, I found myself actually thinking less and less about my ex, and starting to realize that this guy doesn't deserve my love. I wanted to save my love for someone who's loving me.

 

So two nights ago, I went on my first date since my breakup. It was with a friend who had been extremely supportive during the whole ordeal... he had even left a teddy bear in my locker the day so that "I wouldn't be lonely at night." And I found myself enjoying his company, and not comparing him to my ex at all! I felt happier than I ever have before, and found myself much more comfortable with my friend than I ever was with my ex.

 

I can finally say that I have no desire to contact my ex... if we bump into each other in a group of friends, I wouldn't want to say anything other than hi. I've deleted him off my buddy list for the last time, and I know for once that I won't be adding him on again 5 minutes later. By changing my attitude on the situation, I've finally been able to move on and leave the ex in the past!

 

So that's my story, sorry if it's a bit of a long read... I just wanted to let everyone know that there are other people out there! No Contact really does work wonders, I wouldn't be where I am today if I was still trying to hunt down my ex. I can finally believe people when they tell me that he was a jerk and didn't ever deserve me. And right now, I really couldn't be happier with my life.

 

A breakup isn't the end. Just remember that!

[healinginnyc81]

So good to hear that you've moved on. I hope everything works out for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

Another victory for NC!

[BlueFlowerOnMyDesk]

Good for you!!!

[PassionatePices]

Thanks for sharing!

 

Good for you Amore!

[gratefulpain]

Good for you.. you proved that with NC whatever the motive two things are going to happen.... either they will come back (whether you wanted them to or not) or they wont...... either way,,, either outcome YOU will have been way on your way to healing..... then if by chance they come around..... the funny part is you may not want them back....

 

good for you..... not there yet myself....

[Diggitydave]

Lol I finally figured out what NC meant. Welcome to the world of breakup terminology. I am glad I found this site, sometimes you feel like the only one. I did the buddy list thing like 30 times. I realized the NC for the first week is a daily thing, you go hour by hour, fending off any triggers you can use to call the person and ignoring the excuses you make for yourself like. " i just want to make sure I was a good bf or gf" or "what did i do wrong again?" or "why why why why why" or "don't you remember this or that good time we had" or "do you really want to throw this whole thing away?"

[Amore]

Hey bkjsun, it's nice to hear from you again! How have you been lately? Hopefully better than the last time I spoke to you

 

Gratefulpain, what you said is very true. No matter what the end result is, NC helps you heal. Don't get me wrong, I still think about the great times with my ex, but like you said, the funny part is that I don't want him back.

 

 

I did the buddy list thing like 30 times. I realized the NC for the first week is a daily thing, you go hour by hour.

NC is really a daily process (and the buddy list thing is so hard!) Your quote "do you really want to throw this whole thing away?" struck a chord with me... I pictured myself asking my ex that question over and over again in my mind. But the thing to remember is that if they do not wish to work out the problems of the relationship, you cannot make them want to. That was the hardest part to accept about my breakup, that I wanted to work things out and he didn't. I realized that was for the best, if we had not broken up, it would become a one-sided relationship where I was doing all the work to keep us together if he didn't desire to do so. And constantly reminding myself of that was one of the main ways I helped myself get over him. Of course, thinking about that hurt a lot, but had our relationship continued, I would be settling for less than 100% love. And we all deserve to be loved back in exchange for the love we give.

 

I wish everyone the best of luck with NC. The pain eventually goes away.

[Diggitydave]

I didn't realize it in my heart but in my relationship when I sensed things were going haywire on both of our sides, I felt her drifting. Instead of getting mad at her and withdrawing myself I tried extra hard to keep her and gain her affection by going well beyond my need to please her, doing things that were almost overboard to see if she still wanted me. I realized i was trying way too hard, was i wrong for this? I just wanted her to love me back and i felt i wasn't getting it so I did extra stuff? Is this wrong, I kind of feel like i wasn't doing it just out of the kindness of my heart but just to keep her around at one point. I mean it was all good and kind stuff but I kind of feel it was more to get her to love me back.

[healinginnyc81]

Amore, hey I'm doing better, slowly. I haven't tried to contact the ex at all in 1.5 months, so I'm proud of myself.

 

Your kind of success story is the best kind, because that is what we all really need to strive for - To get over our ex's and realize that there is someone much more deserving of our love out there. We are all grateful to you for coming back to check on us and inspire us.

[healinginnyc81]

Diggitydave, unfortunately we all learn this the hard way, but when you start trying too hard to keep your partner, to them it shows insecurity and neediness not love. Hopefully, we can use this to learn to handle ourselves better in the next relationship we have. We gotta be more secure with ourselves and realize that we don't need anyone to make us happy. Also, we'll know that we shouldn't try too hard to keep someone if they don't want to be with us.

[Diggitydave]

I know but I felt for a while like I wasn't doing something right so i had to try harder to keep her. It all kinda blew up in my face and all the hard work was really not for anything in the long run. It always haunts me though like i was being dishonest in a way. I just felt lost, i needed love and affection and I really wanted to get it from her. does it sound like a reaction to not recieving it or just plain selfishness?

Or does it really not matter at this point and should i just move on and forget about it

[healinginnyc81]

I think you're right that it was a natural reaction to not receiving the love from her that you needed. I think one of the areas of compatibility in a relationship is how much emotional intimacy and affection you each need. If one person needs more than the other one, than it's going to lead to problems and unhappiness.

 

I don't think you should see it as selfishness. It just shows that you were looking to her for a certain amount of affection and she wasn't giving you it. It might be that you're insecure in general, but I don't know that. It may be that this particular relationship made you insecure because of how she acted. Your only concern at this point should be to evaluate yourself to see what your strengths are and to see what you can improve in order to be happier.

[Diggitydave]

Thank you, that is kind of what i thought in my heart. I guess I am trying to re-enact things in my head to try and fix them somehow. I guess I just can't swallow that things can't be fixed and that I have to work on my security issues within myself and build up personal strengths to be able to deal with these in the future with future relationships. Thank you for the insight

 

p.s.

I guess being insecure in your heart would lead you to always think you are doing something wrong to cause a person to act a certain way and by doing that you may or may not overcompensate and show neediness and push a person away further. I never had any malicious intent at all, i loved this girl with the bottom of my heart and still do. She always told me it wasn't my fault or God didn't take her away from me that she did this. I guess being insecure and having a history of negativity it is natural to feel it is ALL your fault, even though somewhere in your heart you know you weren't that bad.

 

 

David

[healinginnyc81]

I know exactly what you mean. I've always been one to ruminate on things when it doesn't turn out how I want and blame myself for things going wrong.

 

Be patient with yourself. Let your feelings run themselves out. But try everyday to find little things to live for. It's tough and it took me at least a month after my breakup to even have fun like I used to. But slowly you start to enjoy life and look on this as another experience among many that you will have.

[luvagain]

Good For You!! I Wish You The Best. This Gives Me Hope And I Know I'm Not Alone In This.

[Nathalie1970]

I hear ya, Diggity. I did the same in my relationship, if I thought something was amiss then I would try harder to please the ex bf and what did I get in return?????? Nothing, he would treat me worse and take me for granted.

 

I realize now, that if he could not be nice to me because of who I was (good and bad faults) then he never really loved me. It still hurts and I take it day by day (8th day of NC). I tried so hard over the last 7 weeks to make things right and he tried to keep me hanging with the phrase "I still love you and want you but I need time to think" He then thinks that I have moved on and he gets upset with me, then I feel the need to try and explain myself. I am such a fool:splat:

 

If I had stuck with NC (no answering of the phone/email etc) then he would not have had a chance to hurt me still after the breakup.

 

NC is the only way to go, btw good job on feeling better amore.... I hope to be where you are soon

[Amore]

David, I feel like you're describing myself when you talk about how you strived to get affection back from your partner. I did the same exact thing, even after my boyfriend told me that he didn't love me 100% anymore. But instead of caring about him less, I showed even more affection. I baked him heart shaped cookies, visited him at work, even got my dad to drive me to his school before 1st period to say good morning! (We go to different schools on the opposite side of town, which was the only reason he ever gave for breaking up with me.) You name it, I did it.

 

Now is that wrong of us? I really don't believe so. Like bkjsun said, it's a natural reaction to a relationship that's drifting apart. The main thing I learned over the course of my breakup and NC is that his feelings just changed and I did nothing wrong. The only "wrong" thing I did was refuse to let go when the relationship was obviously just... done.

 

My relationship, at a point, was so one-sided that it was driving me insane. I had gone to see my guidance counselor one day about SAT work, but I ended up telling him everything about the relationship I was in at the time. He told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. He told me that I was making myself depressed over this guy, that I was trying to win his love back but a relationship just doesn't work if one person is giving all the affection. And even though we had great times in the past, and I love him, I wasn't getting back what I put into the current relationship. Also, he reminded me that once the relationship ended, I would feel terrible, but eventually would move on and feel better than before. I didn't think it was possible then, but what he said was absolutely true.

 

 

bkjsun, I'm so glad to hear that you're getting better I must commend you on keeping the NC! 1.5 months, I'm proud of you, too. I hope you're starting to feel more secure with yourself... you're a really great guy.

 

If I had stuck with NC (no answering of the phone/email etc) then he would not have had a chance to hurt me still after the breakup.

Nathalie, I agree with you 100%. Our exes have already hurt us enough! If we stay in contact with them, we allow them to hurt us even more! Too bad that it usually takes us so long to realize this... after they have caused immeasurable pain.

 

 

luvagain, I'm glad I could give you some hope, and know you're never alone. If you (or anyone) ever wants to PM me, please feel free to do so

[Diggitydave]

The worst part about it all is, now you know where things went wrong and you can't go back and fix it. Not just the things that you did wrong but the things that you felt hurt by. This stings the most, the woulda coulda shoulda. But we have to move past this. Once we're past the woulda coulda shoulda, I think it's alllll downhill.

[Amore]

I know how you feel, I really wish I could go back and change what I did wrong. But we can still learn from our mistakes and apply them to future relationships.

 

My ex broke NC yesterday, he wanted me to hang out at his house with a couple of our friends. All he did the whole time was torture me about this new guy that I've been seeing, blaming him for our breakup, and saying that we have the "worst relationship ever."

 

It hurt a lot because there's some truth to his statements. The 'new guy' flirted with me a lot while I was still in a relationship with my ex, and my ex was jealous that I was enjoying attention from both of them, and ultimately it drove us apart. I realize I messed up, and I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't. My ex and I have yet to talk about our relationship that's not just him teasing and taunting me about the mistakes I've made.

 

I'm back in NC, next time he tries to contact me, I'm definitely not responding. He's just out to hurt me because he wants me to pay for my mistakes... but I've already paid, I lost him.

 

This whole ordeal just reinforced that NC is the best, that no contact is good contact. I can't let him continue to hurt me, he's in the past now.

[healinginnyc81]

Amore, that's really immature of him to keep holding that against you when he knows that you're sorry. I'm glad you're back in NC. I'm not sure if you even did anything wrong unless you were flirting back with the other guy and your bf let you know that it bothered him. Either way, the past is the past and he shouldn't continue to bring it up. Once the situation has been resolved, it's time to forgive and forget the past and move on. I hope you don't let this bother you too much and I hope you feel better soon.

[drum4god]

Dave,

 

Don't be hard on yourself. There are not many men who wouldn't be insecure in your situation. I consider myself a confident and secure person, but that didn't mean I didn't feel insecure in my last relationship. No, at times I felt real insecure. Does that mean I am insecure person. No, I don't believe I am. When you truly love someone you make yourself vulnerable. When the love is not reciprocated on the other side, it makes us even more vulnerable. It even got the best of some of the strongest men in the Bible. Look at Samson, David and Solomon.

 

And Solomon even said

 

Prov: 31:3 "Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings:

 

Now that is not a knock on women. Its just goes to show you how powerful love and lust could be.

 

So don't be hard on yourself. Love hurts, and can make the mightest of persons weak when its not given back.

[Diggitydave]

I feel so messed up right now. The last time I talked to my ex, I told her that I had been prayin about an answer of what to do. People kept tellin me to let it go and move on. Now I am questioning if that was just peoples opinions because of scars they had in the past or what God was using to give me an answer. I told my ex this but right now I am questioning if I did the right thing, because i question it now in my heart if it was God talking to me or it was just peoples opinions and now I fear I lost her forever because she's sayin "well if God told him...." and i am so scared I lost her forever because i needed an answer to my pain.

Help

[Diggitydave]

or maybe i'm still in denial that she might be coming back, even after she told me she didn't want to marry me (even though she said) she didn't know if it was a forever thing or what....was she counting on me to do or say something? Did i fall short somewhere. ugh breaking up sucks because you're always so confused about what you did and said and whether that shattered something that already ended and you always feel like explaining yourself.

 

I promised myself I wasn't going through this again, maybe i shouldn't do that, i still have more to learn i'm sure and i hope it doesn' ttake another break up to do it

[drum4god]

Dave,

 

Stop beating yourself up bro. Its not doing anything good. You are a Christian right? Well the bible says that "love covers a multitude of sins". In other words, if this girl truly loves you, you can make a million mistakes and she will want to be with you. If God meant for you and her to be together it won't matter what you do (baring abuse, and infidelity). You treated her well, yes you were a little needy and insecure. Well, now is your time to turn the tables. Don't contact her. Ask God to heal you and work on your insecurities. I have the same situation. I fell in love with a girl that goes to my church. She broke my heart, and I did all the same things you did. I woulda, coulda, and shoulda myself to death. It just sets you back.

 

I spoke to my pastor and he said something very profound (for those non-Christians on here this will sound crazy). He said release her to the Lord, and let God deal with her. If she is meant to come back she will. If not, God has something better for you. By releasing her, you are putting it all on God, and her. Its not your worry anymore. Its takes a lot of trust and faith in God to do this, but trust me its a big lift.

 

Dave, God wants the best for you, but you have to believe that. If you do, you won't settle for crumbs. We settle for so much less than what God wants to give us. Here is something else. If you expect much, you tend to receive much. Its amazing that way. If your woman isn't giving you the love and respect you need. Move on. She isn't worth it. You deserve more. If she sees this, she may find you more desirable. Or at least you will feel more desirable.

 

I know its hard, because our hearts get in the way. But its not complicated. If someone really loves you they will go through bricks walls for you. Let her go, if she really loves you she will come back.

 

God Bless

 

Drum

[Diggitydave]

Somewhere in my heart, i know this. It is overshadowed by what I said to her. When I look back I didn't truly know if God was speaking to me or if it was emotions overtaking my spirit. I guess this is a small tiny little piece to a big pie that i am focusing on.

 

Somewhere in there, I know that whatever he has for me is best, again it's overshadowed by the present situation.

 

I was very good to her and i made my mistakes as did she i am sure we both did.

 

 

Thanks for the advice

David