I took a risk last night asking ex how she felt

[Knctrnl22]

Last night after thinking it over carefully I took a risk.

 

I was tired of the does she like me doesn't she like me.

 

 

I told my ex, I said I think you still have feelings for me do you.

 

She tried to avoid the question and said I don't think so, then I asked her to say yes or no and she said I don't think so, no.

 

Then she asked me if I still had feeling for her and I told her that it wasn't important and that she could figure that out on her own.

 

I knew that she was going to be too prideful to give me a straight answer, she didn't even look me in the eyes when she said that.

 

then after she said that she stood there for a couple of minutes pondering.

 

The only thing that I feel is that she is blowing it with me.

 

I also feel that I don't regret asking because I really did need some kind of an answer.

 

Later she acted really nice twords me and said that she had fun going to dinner and I told her that I did too. After I got home I was thinking that she was a really prideful girl, shortly after that she called me and wanted to talk sweet like we usually do.

 

I just want to know other people observations on her answer and if I could have handled the situation better.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

[kdreger]

Been there.

 

She wants her cake and eat it too.

 

She wants the comfort of you without the relationship responsibilities.

 

Don't fall for it if you're emotionally attached. All that will happen is you'll get heartbroken. I fell for it. She strung me along for ages while she made up her mind. It messes with you hanging on to false hope. They tell you no but then kiss you and touch you in intimate ways. My buddy would tell me "Keep away from her" but, of course, I thought I knew her and myself better. Nope.

 

It sounds like you know this all already. I'm just confirming your suspicions.

[SmintyMinty]

Firstly I want to say I'm sorry that you this situation with your ex is still so difficult. It sounds like you have been really trying hard with this girl and I think you have tried your best to be brave and honest when confronting your feelings with her.

 

I think you are allowing her to mess you up. I know you care a lot for her and you have been doing the "friendship with benefits" thing but it hasn't made things any clearer for you. I appreciate you do not want to lose this girl but from the way I see it she is completely at ease with manipulating you for her own purposes. This she does by

talk sweet

to you and saying

nice twords

to you. Are they "nice" words because she is telling you what you want to hear? I think she is fully aware of what she is doing and knows exactly what buttons to press with you because you are making yourself available to her to do this. As a result you are feeling increasingly frustrated and fed up.

 

I think that you need to be honest with yourself...

 

Do you really want to be in such an ambiguous relationship with someone who cannot express their true feelings to you and cannot be honest about the way they feel? If you cannot communicate openly with each other I cannot see how you can hope to have a serious committed relationship with each other. I think she is well aware that you still have deep feelings for her - from what you have said you have made no attempt at concealing it from her.

 

A lot of your answers about what is really going on are already in your post:

 

She tried to avoid the question and said I don't think so, then I asked her to say yes or no and she said I don't think so, no.

 

It will be hard for you to accept that there may be an element of truth to this. You may be confusing "pride" with guilt - perhaps she feels guilty that she has been leading you on whilst her feelings for you have changed. The fact that she cannot give you a straight answer is unfair to you and preventing you from moving on with your life. Perhaps that is precisely what she wants - she wants to keep you where she wants you whilst she decides what she wants to do. Rather like a safety net. Is that what you want to be? You put her reaction down to "pride" - the way I see it she would rather save her own feelings than be upfront with you. That says to me she doesn't want to be hurt and she doesn't want to get into a relationship.

 

Of course there is also the chance that she finds it difficult to express her feelings. I think that is perhaps not the case - you say

she stood there for a couple of minutes pondering

that indicates to me she is thinking through clearly what she is doing and what to do next. Are you not suspicious that she should act all nicey to you after your confrontation with her and act like nothing has happened?

 

She is taking advantage of your weakness for her to turn it to her own advantage and cannot be honest with you in the process. I think this whole situation will drag on until you do something decisive to drastically change things. She seems quite happy to let things remain as they are whilst you are agonising over everything.

 

You asked her what you wanted to know. She didn't give you the answer you were hoping for and instead you gave excuses for the way she acted. Time to give yourself a break and move on perhaps????

[dviewed]

Talking with someone you've known for a while can be like decipering code. If you pick up on patterns in speech (or behavior) you might get an answer that's different than the actual words.

Here's what happened when I decided to try & get my guy to either come back completely, or level with me that he no longer cared.

I asked direct questions...Do you want to get back together?...Are you happy with what you're doing now? Heck, I even asked once if he felt I was throwing myself at him (this was during a partularly awkward phone call that I had made...learned my lesson there. I don't call him now. He calls me or we don't talk.)

Anyhoo, I started noticing a pattern...If I asked a question about completely breaking up (Have you closed the door on us? Are you in love with someone else?) his answer would be a firm "no". If I asked the other kinds of questions (see above) his answer would be, "I don't know, Marsha...".

I noticed he always said it the same way, using my name (not really Marsha, but you get the point) with the 'I don't know', then just trailing off.

I finally figured out that when he answered like that he was protecting his pride and while he wasn't ready to get back officially, he wasn't going to say anything to burn the bridge with me.

Again, this is from years of knowing him. (All the time we were an official couple if I would ask him to do something...go to an office function, etc. - which he hates - he would say, "I don't know, Marsha..." but invariably he would go. He would never give me a "yes" but would just start asking questions as the function got closer...What time does this thing start? What do I have to wear?)

This is just an example, but it might help you to think about the whole picture. Not just her words at the time, but her actions...she called you later, etc.

Hope this helps,

"Marsha"

[mk]

I am going to see my girlfriend who I gave her spaces to think about and we will talk about it tonight.

 

I am afraid that she is going to say "I don't know" again. As you said she is afraid of making committement but still like the fact she can hang out and talk to me.

 

She is just afraid she don't know how much she loves me. I am just don't know what to do. Any suggestions how am I going to start? Any suggestions of how I can start the conversation without giving her too much pressure?

 

Please reply. Thanks.

[princepesa2]

Hi Knctrnl22,

 

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it sounds as though you are playing the same game she is -- trying to avoid being honest with each other. By this I mean your reaction to her:

Then she asked me if I still had feelings for her and I told her that it wasn't important and that she could figure that out on her own.

 

If you want her to be honest with you, then you do have to take the risk of being honest with her too. And whatever answer she gives you, you have to be prepared to accept it as truth. She may have been honest with you already when she said she didn't think she had feelings for you. You will have to respect whatever answer she gives you (even if her actions seem to speak otherwise).

 

And if her answer really is no, I don't have feelings for you, then it would probably be best that you cut contact with her for a while to give yourself time to heal. Being around her in that case would just confuse you and prolong the pain.

 

Good-luck with everything.

[smiles314]

Hey. i read your post and i was reading all the other replies... I unfortunately don't have any good advice for you, because i'm in a similar situation myself... But everyone else's opinions seem to be helpful..

 

I actually had a question for all of the posters who have been at the ex's mercy. For those who have dealt with an ex who kept stringing you along and not really being fair by making up their mind completely--- what happened in the end? Did these ex's of yours dump on you and move on to something better after making you into their yo yo? Or did they actually suck of their pride, and make the move to try to rebuild what they lost?

My ex doest he same thing. He talks to me a lot usually when i start to be busy on me and not have time and sweetness for him. He usually then starts in with the i miss you..and i want to see you.. And the i regret breaking up with u, i always have but i just dont want a gf... What the hell? I really don't get it...whats the deal? How could you miss someoen so much, and still think about them, and regret breaking up yet say you dont want a relationship bc you have too much stress and a short fuse from it??? Personally, if you care about someone so much i think you should just be with them, and theres nothign that is soo big that would stop you from doing it...But then again we are only 20..so maybe its a maturity thing.

 

One last htought... maybe you should just not be there from her, and let her see you are serious..then maybe she'll change her mind for real.