help please

[music_soul]

Hello everybody,

last week I broke up with my boyfriend but he just doesn`t seem to understand my reasons. now I`m wonderin whether I`ve been overreacting or not and maybe somebody can help me because I`m rather confused at the moment.

we only went out for about one and a half months, during which we had many problems, because of his jealousy and many other things and often he said or did things which truly shocked me and scared me, but the following is my biggest problem:

From the very beginning on I kind of felt disrespected when it came to sex, because he didn`t really bother about what I wanted or felt ready for, but I talked to him about it and things got better, until we had sex for the first time.

I was still a virgin and told him I wasn`t ready yet, but he ignored it completely and then I kind of played along because I felt I had to.

a week later we had sex again but it was horrible because I had terrible pain. he wanted to sleep twice with me that night but for me it was so horrible that, the second time, i said NO, and tried to push him away and I kept saying no. after a while I only lay there nearly crying and screaming because of the pain, then I finally managed to push him away.he was a littled angry then, because he hadn`t ejaculated yet and then tried to get me to give him a blow-job, I told him I didn`t want to but he kept pushing down my head.

 

a few days later I broke up with him but he doesn`t accept my reasons, but I wasn`t overreacting, or was I?

I

[the yang to the worlds yin]

oh my goodness honey...

 

no you weren't overreacting at all, good for you for getting away from him. he's sounds like an insensitive guy with no respect whatsoever for you or your feelings. i'm guessing had you stayed with him, much worse could have happened. please, never do anything your not comfortable with, and no one has the right to ever try to pressure you.

 

you did the absolute right thing.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

and i am SO sorry you had to go through that.

[ocrob]

I don't think you over reacted at all. It sounds like he needs to grow up. What he did is either date rape or close to it. If he was smart, there are things you both could have done to make the experience better. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and not painful. Do you really want to be with a guy that disrepects you?

[ratherbesailing]

music soul -

 

I'm a guy and I think he treated you horribly. There are nice guys out there that will be much more understanding and considerate. I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think you are right to distance yourself from him and please try not to let this experience affect your future relationships.

[Hope75]

You absolutely did not over react, in fact what he did to you after you said no was RAPE, and you could press charges against him for it if you want to.

 

What he did was wrong and a crime and you were smart to end it before you got hurt more than you already did.

 

Honey, no one deserves to be treated like that and someone who cared about you and respected you would never force you to do anything that made you uncomfortable or in pain.

 

If I were you I would press charges against him for sexual assault, but at the very least you did the right thing and you were very smart and strong to leave his sorry behind.

 

((HUGS))

[ff7fan]

He doesn't have to accept your reasons, it's out of his hands and he needs to get lost. If he keeps pressuring you, talk to your parents and get a restraining order. Don't talk to him and don't offer him any explanation or anything other than a blank look and walk away if he comes around asking whyyyyyyy again. He knows why, he just thinks he can hammer at you until you start thinking maybe he didn't do anything wrong after all and it's all your fault. Well, it's not! It's his fault and he needs a good kick in the * * *.

[ShySoul]

music_soul,

 

You are not overreacting. If anything, he is lucky you haven't said more about it. No one should be treated like that. When you told him no for sex, that should have been it and he should have stopped. To force you into it was rape. Don't feel bad or blame yourself, he was the one that was wrong and you deserve so much better. You did the right thing in leaving. Be proud of yourself for getting out of the situation and not letting it get worse.

[music_soul]

Hello everybody.

Thanks a lot for being so kind, your comforting words really helped me. And believe me I`d really like to give him a good kick in the ***, but I can`t. It`s just that he`s been one of my very best friends for a year (before we started going out) and for some reason we`re trying to stay friends, he somehow still means something to me. Well, at the same time I don`t ever wanna see him again.

But I just can`t leave him all on his own, he`s had a very difficult life, and just started to make something of it again, I don`t want to ruin anything for him. And he was also often the only person I could talk to, and who was there for me.

But when we meet now (about 4 times since we broke up), I always get so sad and so angry and I so don`t wanna be there, but I just can`t leave him and that really scares me, beause I kind of feel like he could do anything to me and I still wouldn`t leave him.

Let`s just say that ever since I can remember, I wasn`t really good at saying no, or putting a stop to people who don`t do me good, so I made it my number one rule to get rid of any guy who doesn`t treat me properly.

I have always kept this rule, no matter how much it hurt, and this is the first time I can`t, and it really scares me!

Plus he is the first guy I had sex with, and now I just feel such a hatred towards sex, and I so regret it, because I simply wasn`t ready to have sex yet, and now I feel like a * * * *, because it was so early in the "relationship", and I wanted to keep my virginity, I wanted to wait for the right guy, who I have strong feelings for and have a long and serious relationship with.

But now...the memory of how I felt that night... hurts. But the present situation really scares me because I just don`t know myself nomore and I feel a little helpless, as I don`t seem to be able to control myself anymore.

 

I`m sorry I wrote so much, so thanks for reading and...every advice is truly appreciated!

[ShySoul]

music_soul,

 

It's ok to be confused and scared. This isn't an easy situation and the feelings you have for him are deep. You have been through a lot together, even before the relationship. So you don't want to throw it all away. You want to be able to work at it until you can get back to how things used to be. And you would feel guilty about leaving a friend in need. All of those things are honorable and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

 

But there comes a point where trying to make it work, keep the friendship, just ends up being too damaging for you. I've always been one to sacrifice myself, my time, and my needs in order to be there for others. I feel guilty and bad if I do something that may in any may be considered selfish on my part. But there are times when you need to do that. If meeting with him leaves you hurt, then maybe it would be best to take time apart. Let him know you care and still want to be friends at some point, but that for the time being you need to be away from each other. He needs to work through his problems, and you need time for yourself. It'll hurt. But in time you'll be healed and better able to handle talking with him. It'll also give you time to think about things more and learn how to say no, so that if you fall into similar situations with him or someone else, you won't go through what you did.

 

Having sex with him is a big part of this as well. Sex brings emotional attachements, especially after the first time. Now you feel ashamed and hurt that you give that up to someone who didn't care as much as you thought. It's ok to feel bad. But don't blame yourself or feel down about it. At the time you thought it was the right choice. And don't feel down on sex period. In time you will find someone better whom you will want to have sex with, who will turn out better, and you will wait longer and fully enjoy it when it happens.

[teacup]

that's sexual abuse. when someone wont stop doing something to you when you say no or want to stop.....that's abuse and a violation of your rights.

 

i have to mention, you already have some of the "victim" mentality which will keep you a prisoner of his abuse. by victim, i mean that you have some thoughts and ways of thinking that WILL keep you trapped within his grasp.

 

one of these is

1. feeling sorry for him because he had a hard life - a lot of abusers have had hard lives, but this doesn't make it okay to hurt or violate ppl. my "ex" had a hard life but he abused me viciously and i was kept trapped because i felt sorry for him, i tried to make him better, i tried to comfort him, i tried to be there for him, i tried to get his life together and i didnt want to leave him because "what would he do without me?"........that kind of thought will keep you trapped.

 

2. you feel like he could do anything and you wouldn't leave - this is a sign of his control and power over you......you feel angry, scared, sad and afraid, yet you are still meeting up with him after he violated your body??

 

girl, say NO. never answer his calls again. change your number. this guy is TRASH. he doesn't deserve your sympathy, consideration or care.......he certainly doesn't have any for you.

 

as a former victim of abuse.......i can see these things so clearly in other ppl. i paid a high price for this painful painful knowledge.

[music_soul]

well now I managed to tell him that I don`t want to see him anymore.

he nearly cried and everything, but well, he just doesn`t understand what he`s done to me. the last time i saw him he was really drunk and a good friend also told me that he`s doing drugs again.

but i don`t really feel sorry for him anymore, or well, yes I do, but not that much because I just feel so horrible at the moment.

 

I feel like I´m going crazy or something, I just can`t sleep anymore. This may sound stupid, but it`s areally big problem for me by now.

I haven`t slept properly for about 2 weeks now, and if I ever get to sleep I have horrible nightmares.

it`s 3 a.m. where I live and I have to get up in 3 hours but if I try to go to sleep now, I`ll really go insane because I can`t sleep before 5 a.m. anyway, but as soon as I go to bed I get really afraid (well, first the memory kept me awake, now I`m afraid of the nightmares) and I start crying and shaking.

 

please help me I don`t know what to do it`s driving me mad, and I`m really worried,too because I have some important tests at school next week but I don`t even get to study, because I feel so horrible. I becoming to tired to learn, as I have a maximum of 1 or 2 hours sleep per night.

But somehow not tired enough to sleep...and although I´m really tired I just can`t sit still or be quiet or learn or anything, I kind of have to keep moving all the time and it drives me mad if I`m alone!!

Honestly, i can`t be alone for more than an hour. Then I just get completely restless and it drives me mad.

 

But at the moment all I wanna do is sleep, but I can`t. I already spent an hour crying tonight and thats enough, I usually never cry.

 

it`s just good to let it all out... all I wanted the last weeks was someone to talk to, so.. thank you!!

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

Have you talked to your family about this at all?

 

Maybe it would help you to get it out and get some support nearby as well as on this site.

 

What about a school counselor? Someone who might be able to offer an objective professional opinion.

 

Hang in there hon, and remember he's doing this to himself and there is nothing that you can do for him if he isn't willing to make the first step. At this point you were right to get away from him, because all he will do is just drag you down with him.

[music_soul]

Thank you Hope75

 

but no I can`t talk to my parents. I have an abusive father. And I mean both physical and emotional abuse. I guess my mom just lost her strengh.

he hasen`t been giving me a nice time lately either.

and all my life, or at leat ever since I remember.

 

But I´ve always been able to cope with things, there have been some very rough times, but somehow I always managed. But it just broke me, and I am at a point where I really am at the end of my strengh.

 

when I was still a child, I decided just to give up on live but due to some luck I am still here and I am glad I am still alive and this time I`m going to fight.

I spoke to my one friend today and she wants to take me to a doctor now.

 

It`s a really weird situation for me, but today was just the day I finally had to make a change

[teacup]

you may consider calling a rape and crisis hotline. i felt a lot better just calling a rape counselor who may help you gain perspective on it. it helps you in terms of accepting your feelings and thoughts about the situation.

 

what he did to you is definitely not right and it is natural and normal that you would feel trauma from it. people should not have to live with abuse! unfortunately, the sad reality is that the world does not operate like that.

 

you deserve a man who will respect your feelings about sex, who will listen to what you want, and who will respect your body and how you feel about it. afterall, it is YOUR body. he does not have a right to it. so you were perfectly right about breaking it off with him.

 

hell, the guy i was with....i felt like he fingered me roughly.....that should have given me a clue to how little he respected me and my body. it did not feel good. but at least i believe now that i can find a guy who will be sweet to me.....

 

what do you picture a good sexual experience to be? that will give you an idea of what you want, what to accept and what not to put up with.

 

like for example, for me...i have figured out i want someone who connects with me emotionally, cuddles me, is gentle and kind to me, is affectionate, strokes my hair, gives me light kisses, is considerate of my feelings, and who values sex as a special experience more than just a physical act of reliving body functions. it just seems so much more meaningful to me that way.