friends?

[red10]

i know there are probably a ton of posts about this...but I was just wondering, when a guy/girl breaks up with you, if you are the Dumper....and you ask to be friends still - what do you REALLY mean by that? Just curious, my ex was crying when he dumped me and said he really still wanted to be friends with me, whether it's tomorrow, a month from now, next year ...whenever..he really did cherish what we had as best friends, but if someone says that, do they really mean it? or just a way to soften the blow...????

[smilelikeyoumeanit]

Alot of the time it is becasue they don't want to loose the whole realationship with someone, they want to loose the dating part, so the words that come to mind are "let's be friends". It is entirley possible to remain friends with the guy you break up with, depending on how bad the breakup was. If the person still harbour feelings for you one of two things will happen. It will either be too painful to continue being friends with someone you want to be more with, or they will realize that this is the onyl type of relationship they can have, so they push all feelings down. They would rather be friends with you then be nothing.

[deejay74]

Alot of the time it is becasue they don't want to loose the whole realationship with someone, they want to loose the dating part, so the words that come to mind are "let's be friends". It is entirley possible to remain friends with the guy you break up with, depending on how bad the breakup was. If the person still harbour feelings for you one of two things will happen. It will either be too painful to continue being friends with someone you want to be more with, or they will realize that this is the onyl type of relationship they can have, so they push all feelings down. They would rather be friends with you then be nothing.

 

or do they say, "let's be friends" to ease their guilt of the break up or to protect the feelings of the dumpee?

 

question for the dumpers who said this - did you really mean that when you said it? if not, why did you say it?

 

i only dumped someone once in my life and i didn't say it. i didn't think we would be friends afterwards but to my surprise, we are. that was 2 years ago tho.

[valenski]

I think they say it offer some kind of consolation but they often fail to realise that a friendship only opens the wound. So I say if I'm not good enough to for your love then you should reconsider offering your friendship.

[red10]

well, when we ended it...it was actually me cause i told him i couldn't be friends while he goes to pursue this other relationship (long story) - he started to cry (i don't see it as weak, but just don't understand...he doesn't want me - why get so emotional) .... unless, he really does love me, cause he said that too, and he really does want to be friends...i know he keeps in touch with his ex's, but this other one was an old friend who he never even dated and he hasn't seen/talked to her in over 5 yrs...since college, he's 20 now....so what's the deal with the friendship? why even go there? he even said that he's been able to be friends with his other ex's, but with me he doesn't think that will happen...is that supposed to be another guilt trip?

[red10]

i mean, he's 30 now...typo!

[Pikey1972]

In my case, my ex decided he wanted to pursue a new career (working for and living with his brother) before packing his bags and travelling around the world. I wanted a steady relationship and he wasn't ready for that - he's a drifter at heart.

 

Although he initiated the break-up, my ex was very upset and wanted to stay friends because he "didn't want to lose contact".

 

I think he genuinely wants to stay friends, although he may also be doing it to ease his guilt. When we were in LC, he would continually apologise for his behaviour and say he'd been a "naughty boy".

 

I'm currently in NC with him because

1) I'm still upset and angry by the separation (I invested a lot of time and energy into making the relationship work and if I'd known he just wanted a casual relationship I would have never got involved)

 

2) I still have feelings for him

 

NC is definitely working, and is allowing me to regain my sense of self.

 

Anyways, 1) and 2) don't relate to your question ;-)!

[Pikey1972]

And he's 36 (almost certainly a commitment phobe)!