i think something might be wrong with me

[gradle]

i don't understand. i'm still so stuck on him. i ran into my friend today, her fiance broke up with her 2 months ago, and she just started dating the next guy that came around and seems so fine with it. and i have quite a few friends that can do that. i guess none were with they're ex's as long as j and i were together.

i just can't seem to like anyone enough to stick with them. i miss him so much, and i would kill to meet a guy that i like half as much as him. something must be wrong with me. i can date guys, but in my head, i know that these aren't the guys for me, adn i know that they're not going to last....i think, all the time, well , maybe this next time i see him, maybe then i'll be all about him.

but it still hasnt' happened. and i'm just not that into anyone else i meet. even if they're really cute. adn i keep telling myself to give them a chance, but it's like i've put an immediate block on them.

please, please god, help me through this. i really really need to move on inside my head, not just in how i act.

i know when someone really loves someone, they can't just forget and get over them, but this has been over 6 months, adn i feel like even thoguh i'm doing so much better, and i know i can find someone else that might be better ford me, that i can never love another man as much as i loved him. and that hurts so much.

i guess all i can do is keep it up. as sad as i get sometimes. i just hope i can meet someone one day soon that i can share those feeligns with again.

[LiquidCherry]

For many people, most people I think or at least for me anyway six months isn't long enough to get over someone you deeply loved. It many be very possible that your friends rebound as a means to help them heal. In reality it doesn't work very well. When my highschool sweetheart broke up with me I rebounded. I actually cried about him to the first two guys I dated and even cried about him once a few years later. If I had just allowed myself to heal that wouldn't have happened.

 

Right now you're not in a position to love another man as much as you loved him but that's only because you haven't fully recovered at this point. You said that you hope to meet someone that you can share these feelings with again. That's a wonderful thing to hope for and you're remaining open to the possibility of love which is essential for it to occur.

 

You're doing so much better and you're going to keep on getting better. You'll only hurt for as long as you need to greive, just continue taking taking steps forward.

[RandomAdvisor]

LiquidCherry has it right on. Seeing other people with someone new after a breakup might make you feel bad when they appear happy, but just because they appear happy doesn't mean that they are. With a new person two months after being dumped by a fiance? Sounds like an emotionally immature thing to do. Two months isn't enough time to heal from a breakup with someone you once thought you'd spend the rest of your life with.

 

You sound very in touch with your feelings and as LiquidCherry said, you're doing better. With more time you'll be even better, and I'm sure you'll meet someone in the future that you loved as much as your ex.

[brando]

Gradle, nothing is wrong with you. I believe now you are on a road to self discovery, and are apprehensive to jump back into a relationship. It is okay, their is nothing wrong with that.

 

As far as your friend you ran into, she may be more lost than where you are right now. At least your aware of how you feel, aware of your thoughts, and are taking your time to spend and learn about yourself. THis road is never easy.

 

Someone once wrote on these boards , "SOme people move on, and some people just move in."

 

Your fine where you are today. Don't believe any differently. Everything will work itself out for you when your ready, your not ready yet that is all.

Hang in their, be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. Their is no race to the next relationship.

 

Be well,

Brando

[gradle]

thank you all. i really appreciate it. sometimes i just back track a lot. i just had a not so great night last night for no reason at all, and i was heading home and i was alone and i was so sad. i know i'm better off now than if i were in a rebound relationship, i know it's best for me to find someone i really like rather than settle for something that's available for now, sometimes it gets lonely, despite how many friends you have, despite how many people are around you, or who youve been out with that night, it gets so lonely.

i'll be ok, i know, it's justso hard sometimes.

[Setter5]

I agree. Don't be that girl. You are doing what's best for you right now. Jumping into a relationship can happen even months after your breakup.

 

I experienced the flip-side to this. My ex was basically abandoned my her boyfriend to meet me only two months later. We did connect. I know I loved her. Hell, we had a very kind, fun, and caring relationship.

 

Then, 15 months later, he called (when my relationship with her was moving at its best), and she dropped me in a matter of days.

 

My point is that she never took the time to heal. She also hurt me very badly by not being honest with herself, then abandoning me.

 

However, I also learned to ask the right questions, be supportive, consider the reality of the timeline, and be smart enough to let it go.

 

Couple different angles there...you're doing well. It's comforting to hear a woman really spending time on herself and not being co-dependent.

 

Thanks for sharing and good luck.

[gradle]

i'm so sorry that happened to you setter, that really sucks. it's so tempting to jump into something when there's a nice, available guy, but i've been in love, compeltely in love, and i'm scared to settle for anything less, i think people now get so tempted into something for comfort and not because they're really truly, totally in love.

i was pathetic last night. i had left the bar and was heading home last night, passing all these bars j and i used to go to, and tons of people were out. and i was just so sad. i got on the metro and htis guy sat down next to me and would n't leave me alone, and itears juststarted flowing and i looked away adn had put my ipod head phones in my ears

 

i must have been a sight.

[justplainhurt]

Boy gradle, do I know what you mean here....

 

I was with a guy for 5 years. I loved him deeply, and couldn't imagine being without him. We broke up 2 1/2 years ago. It was the absolute worst time of my life. I started dating 4 months after the break up. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone in my life thought I needed to. I clearly wasn't over my ex in 4 months, but I put on a happy face, and put myself out there. I dated quite a few guys within the next 2 years, but none of those guys were someone who I could see myself with. I used to ask myself "What in the world is wrong with you"? All of the guys I dated were attractive nice guys, but I just didn't have that "connection" with anyone. I was starting to get scared. I thought maybe I wasn't capable of falling in love with anyone anymore after the break up. Then I started dating someone 6 months ago. After a month or 2, I started to like him A LOT! I couldn't believe it! I was excited because "I could feel again", but also scared of getting hurt. So, I probably wasn't as open to him, as I should have been. Unfortunately, we broke up 3 weeks ago, and that's why I'm here at enotalone again.

 

The point of my post is...don't be too hard on yourself. It's a natural feeling. You are not alone in feeling like this. I think it's a very good thing to take time out for yourself to heal. You will be a better partner to someone for doing so. You will feel again, it's just going to take some time.

 

Hang in there!

justplainhurt

[Setter5]

gradle:

 

I completely understand your feelings. You wrote that you were completely in love, and you don't want to settle for anything less.

 

Being completely in love is a good thing. Be glad you were. Your job now is to heal. But remember, when feeling back to your old self, you gotta give it a shot with others to even have the chance to fall in love completely again.

 

Only work on the things that you believe you need to work on...separate what was wrong with this guy from what you want in life.

[gradle]

yeah, setter, you're right.

i've had plenty of people tell me that i don't even give any guys a chance. i even had the sweetest guy in the world spent the night last night, and the first thing i told him when he was getting into bed, was that nothing could happen.

and i found myself IMing with my friend the other day about how i had a rough night, adn she asked if it were about a boy, and the only thing that popped out of my head and onto the keyboard was "yeah, like i'm gonna let that happen to me again"

and i know i'm just distancing myself so i don't get hurt again.

it's hard these days especially. especially days like today, superbowl sunday, j used to make a huge deal about it, we'd travel for hours to be with our friends, and last year it was especially special for us, we were both so happy to be with everyone again, it was like everything was perfect, and he talked about us getting married, and buying a place together in portland, he wanted to leave his friends adn spend time with just me and we walked around new york city just shopping and eating. i was shocked b/c he didn't get to see his friends very often, twice a year, maybe... and after the superbowl we had a really wonderful night, one that had been long overdue b/c of so much stress in my life at the time. then we had to get up at 3 am and drive back up to boston and traffic got so bad he had to just drop me off at work b/c i had a huge meeting, and he was so adorable and i miss him so much sometimes.

it's harder when there are specific days, like our anniversary was on valentine's day. and today, and xmas, etc.

it's so hard, i start wondering what he's doing, who he is with.

and then i think about the guy i've sort of been seeing casually. i know he likes me a lot, and i think of how sweet he was when he finally kissed me, and i try to make that my last thought every night before bed. but in my head, i can't see myself giving nearly as much of myself to this guy as i did to my ex. and i feel like that should be it, i should break it off wiht him, and in my head again, it says, just give this guy a freaking chance!

i felt stupid today, IMed one of my ex's best friends (who used to be a really good friend of mine too) and said, "happy super bowl sunday! i'm missing you this year!"

and i got no response, and now i'm worried that maybe j was there, i hope not, j moved all the way accross the country, so for him to come back would be really pricey i imagine...i shouldn't feel stupid, that friend remembered my birthday and sent me a message on it. still....

ugh, i'm dredging up way too many memories these days.

after j and i started dating again a few years ago, we ran into this girl he knew, the second she turned her head away, he whispered to me that she had seen me a few months earlier and told him that she thought i was the prettiest girl she'd ever seen. and i remember too, right after we started dating again, how he used to try adn put my make up on for me, he was cute adn did an awful job, but he always tilted his head this special way and made an "awww" look. anything i did, he woudl do that, i knew he was in love with me, even in the end he woudl do it, yes, less, but he still did it. and i remember too, once when i was just feeling crappy and he had moved away and he was visiting, he could tell i was down, he asked if he had done anything wrong and i just shook my head and he just hugged me for what seemed like hours and tears just started flowing adn i knew how much i loved him. and how sometimes he'd make me lunch when he knew i was in a hurry, and leave cute little notes and drawings in my bag. he used to love me so much.

i was just wondering if he remembered superbowl sunday last year? if he remembered that night and all the wonderful things? or in his mind was it, oh, yeah i was in new york last year with my friends, adn that's as far as it goes? does the dumper think that way? do guys in general think that way?

i don't know. i wish i knew. all i know now is that it's better for me to stay strong, it keeps me much more sane. maybe he and i will work it out, but right now there is too much for me to explore. i go out a ton and meet a lot of new and wonderful people

i really am one of the luckiest people i know. even through this, i don't know how god or whoever granted me so much in my favor. and i have to tell myself that every day, that and that success is the best revenge, that my being more beautful and smarter adn stronger and more over him every day, helps me, and that one day he'll see that and regret how he was to me in the end, regret that he lost me. i hope to god i never have to tell my kids a story about how their father would treat me like crap and i would keep running back to him.

[Setter5]

Yeah, I get all those things you are saying.

 

My sister (who has had her share of bad relationships and terrible breakups) told me after my recent breakup, that it is imperative that I make a conscience decision to Not think about her.

 

It helps. You have to actually, physically tell yourself to stop thinking about it. Deep breathes help too.

 

Most importantly, you (and I for that matter sometimes) have to not think about what they are thinking about. Men or Women, we all have these same questions, so I don't think it's a matter of gender.

 

However, it's funny that you mention your casual relationship and your date. Just last night, I took a girl out for a great Italian dinner, some drinks, and some laughs. However, the little magic buzz isn't there. I presume it isn't there for her either, so we, in a very adult-like manner, touched on being simply great friends. It actually felt good to communicate like that.

 

The memories are just as much yours than they are his or both or yours. So I say keep them or throw them away. Right now, perhaps keepng the bad memories (everybody has some) closer will be more productive.

 

Nonetheless, don't forget this forum is good for you, and those feelings are normal and Necessary for moving ahead.