Will the spark come back?

[blueyes25]

My b/f and I have had a miserable January. We had lots of issues that we needed to work out including some adjustment issues to living together. All the fighting that happened in January took its toll, but it was also progress in a way b/c we had to face our issues. Now, I am finding it hard to climb out of the rut. (So is he) On top of everything else, the sex has completely dwindled. He says that due to all of the stress between us and work, he just doesn't feel comfortable with it. He said he just isn't feeling very sexual towards me b/c of all the fighting. He says that he is still attracted to me and everything, but that it is just going to take some time to heal and that things will go back to normal. We've had sex 2 times in the past 3 weeks. We made a pact the last day of January to take the things we have learned from all of our issues and move on...move forward. He says the lack of sex has nothing to do with his attraction to me and it does not mean that he doesn't love me. He says that he does not want to leave the relationship and that he thinks we can get through this. He says he is sick of always talking, talking, talking about everything. I don't blame him b/c I am kind of sick of it as well. I am just concerned. He says he just needs a bit of time to sort it all out and that focusing on it just makes it worse. He says if I don't draw attention to it and just let it be, that it will give him time to sort it out. Guys, can fighting really take its toll? How do you get the spark back? He says that when I bring it up, he feels pressured and that it makes it harder for him. I feel like there is nothing I can really do, but wait it out and see if things begin to change. Any thoughts? Has anyone else been through anything similar?

[Lilac]

please dont' take this as a slam against you but are you maybe putting too much emphasis on only the sex in your relationship. yes it's great to be intimate and to feel that love and bond that you have when you are in bed together, but i think that maybe you should concentrate on everything else in your relationship. even though you guys have been talking it's still going to take some time for everything to smooth out if it will. you can't just jump right back into the way things always used to be. the fighting takes time, the healing takes time and the rebuildig takes time. give it all the time that it needs. i'm sure you love him for more reasons then just the sex

[RayKay]

I think it is very normal to not feel in the mood when you are dealing with enormous stress, particularly relationship stress and that emotional stress.

 

All that infighting basically erodes some of the passion, and the bond, and it pretty normal he needs some time to "feel it"..it sounds like he is aware of it, wants to deal with it, but he needs to deal with it by you not pressuring him about it.

 

I recommend you DO give it some time to let it come back, without the added pressure. If nothing does change in a month or so, then re-evaluate, but given the recent arguments and so on, I believe your boyfriend when he says he just needs some time.

 

It is quite normal though to have happen, guys cannot be in the mood too, and I think he just needs some time to get back into the mindset. Take the pressure off both of yourselves, reconnect and it should return. Don't automatically tie how he feels about you and the relationship to his sexual frequency, while it can mean feelings are changed, you also need to see that factors like stress, depression, illness, health all play an effect as well. It would be more concerning if he ignored or denied there was a problem at all..it sounds like he knows, so just relax....

[blueyes25]

Thank you for your advice. I was not meaning for my post to seem as though all I value is sex in my relationship. This is not the case. I am just worried that b/c of all of the fighting etc. that it has ruined everything else. I guess I was just looking for some reassurance from outside my relationship. Your post helped I guess all I can do is have patience and hope that time will help heal. I guess I am just afraid b/c I really want to get through this. I want things to feel better again. He says he doesn;t feel like himself and he needs a bit of time to re-adjust. I guess when I think about it, I feel the same. So I guess I shouldn't focus too much on this part. If I just breathe and focus on healing - this will all come full circle, right?

[Itsok]

Don't spend so much time dwelling on the past and the fighting that has occurred. If I were you, I would spend more time focusing on yourself right now and let him 'come back to you' if you know what I mean.

 

Spend time alone, figuring out what you want from this relationship too. It isn't just about him healing, it's about you healing too. Give each other some space and things will be alright.

[blueyes25]

Thank you for your posts. They have helped reiterate the fact that I need to give it time. This IS my time to heal too. I guess the bottom line is TIME....and patience (with myself and with him)...two very strong pieces of life. I guess I was just jumping the gun a little and letting my head get the best of me. It seems that from all of your posts, that this is a normal thing based on the circumstances.Thank you again - all the advice is much appreciated and makes me feel a little calmer.

[Hope75]

Another thing is that you need to think about what you are fighting about and why you fight with him so much.

 

What are the things that you are fighting about? How do you each approach a disagreement? Do you listen to each other? Do you get defensive?

 

When did you move in together, and how has that changed the dynamic of the relationship? Do you feel you relate to one another differently?

 

How might you each change you approach to the situation to that each side gets heard and considered, without all the anger and resentment?

[blueyes25]

We "fight" in different ways - he is more non-confrontational. I am more confrontational. I like to talk things out - it is harder for him to "talk" about feelings and such. I get stuck in circular thinking - he lets it go easier, but finds it difficult to deal with me when I seem to not be able to let it go. I am aware of this fault in me. It is a hard pattern to break. He feels I don't listen b/c he has to repeat the same things over and over - this is due to my circular talking and insecurities etc. He feels we don't resolve anything this way and that I don't ever let anything go...which in turn, makes it harder for him as well b/c he feels like he has to walk on egg shells around me, and then he doesn't let it go and just feels defensive instead. We get into this vicious cycle and although we are now aware of it - it is a hard pattern to break. We are 2 different people when it comes to disagreements. The sort of cycle we get mixed up in sends us in circles and it is exhausting.

 

The struggle with living together has to do with boundaries and space etc. We are learning what each person needs and what certain actions mean. This is not such a bad thing - it is normal, but it has been difficult b/c each of us has misinterrpreted actions of the other - which leads to hurt feelings etc. The actions were not meant that way - the other person just misinterroreted them. I think this stuff is just learning all about the other person b/c you are in such close proximity. We have talked about ways to difuse these situations and to help each other understand etc.

 

The dynamic of the relationship is alot more real and raw now. There is no "hiding" so to speak. This is a double edged sword b/c January has been hard...but I think this may be adjusting to our new enviornment etc...or at least that is what we think has happened.

 

As far as relating to each other - well, I can say that we do relate to each other differently in conflict siutuations b/c we have to. It was much easier to sweep things under the rug so to speak - now we have to deal with them. Much of what we are dealing with are things that happened in the past and me getting over them. I have realized that I have to forgive him for his mistakes, or we will never get anywhere. Especially, since the mistakes were almost 6 months ago now. I don't want to go into all of that - but I will say that it didn't involve cheating or anything like that. The issues did rock the boat b/c they tested my faith in him. All my insecurities came out and it has been hard to rebuild, but we are getting there.

 

Listening is key. He tends to get frustrated with me b/c he feels I don't listen to what he is saying and that he has to keep telling me things or talking about things that he feels he already talked about. He says he can only give so much reassurance before he gets exasperated and frustrated. This is my insecurity coming out. This is the part I have to fix. He needs to become more comfortable talking - he is trying, but it is not easy for him. The most important thing is that we have to break the cycle we get into - this has been the part that has been most detrimental. It made January feel like one big fight - instead of allowing us a break and a resolutiuon. We just kept draggin it on and on.

 

Circular talking and thinking does not work and it is a sure fire way to ruin your relationship. This is what I have learned. Sometimes, I just don't know when to quit.

[DN]

I agree wit Hope. Presumably the fights are about real issues, some minor, some not. Ignoring them will not make them go away. It seems to me that, once everything has calmed down between you, you two need to find a way to resolve those issues without fighting or arguing.

 

Try to resolve them calmly and without anger. Try negotiation and compromise. Some one has to 'win' an argument, although since fights corrode a relationship neither partner really wins. But with negotiation and compromise both partners win.

[DN]

I posted before I saw you last. Be very careful that you don't make too much of his past mistakes without acknowledging yours. For one person to constantly have to reassure the other partner about not repeating mistakes while that partner is not addressing their own puts the relationship out of balance. I didn't see anything where you addressed your past mistakes other than in how you deal with his.

[RayKay]

Adding on to Hope's comments...just some thoughts.

 

I read a very good study recently that was able to basically "pinpoint" which couples would MAKE it, and which would be divorced before 4 years (obviously it was on newlyweds but it relates to what I am going to say here).

 

They found that it made no difference how much they fought, or what their differences were. They found on average EVERY couple has 11 irreconciliable differences. What mattered was how they addressed the issues and HOW they fought.

 

For those that were still together and reported being HAPPY five years later, they showed that for every one "negative" comment there were five positive ones, in a ratio of 5 to 1 then. So basically, if they were disagreeing, if one said they did not like the way they neglected to pick up their clothes from the floor, they would have a lot of positive comments to say about them too. For those that split before 4 years were up, the ratio was 0.8-1 to 1, so the negative and positive balanced out.

 

It also showed those whom were happier and stayed together LISTENED to one another much more...those whom did not would bicker trying to be right, or critical and would be defensive. Those whom stayed together, would listen, and not get defensive but rather let their partners know they understood and heard them. They found those whom stayed together did not necessarily disagree LESS (in fact those whom did not fight at all tended to split up) but were more constructive in their disagreements, and compassionate.

 

After years, the researchers could predict which couples would split, and which would not.

 

So, what can you take from this? Look at why there is so much resentment? Was it because of the issues, or because of the WAY you two handled them? What can you do to listen to one another and respect each other's ways in the future without being defensive and resentful?

[blueyes25]

Well, I can say whole-heartedly that it's not the issues themselves - it was the way in which we have handled things. I am not saying the issues were minor b/c some of them were not and some of them were, but what really ruined January was that circular talking/thinking - never really letting anything go - which made it feel like this awful emtional battle. Yuck! I am so sorry for this b/c in hindsight we made it more difficult than it had to be and I feel like I definitely have to take responsibility for much of that...b/c the circular crap resides within me. I am so sad b/c I feel like we had made so much progress and then in 31 days - we kind of broke that all down again...and it was so unecessary. Hindsight is 20/20

 

Now we need to focus on healing and learning from the mistakes. I asked the original question about the "sex" part b/c I started getting scared that it was something else that "broke" in January and I didn't know if I should view it as another problem or simply a side-effect of everything else that happened.

 

I need to learn how to shut my head off and not just hear what he says - but listen to what he says - believe in what he says - instead of just hearing what he says and re-questioning him all over again. I can see how this would make him feel frustrated and that nothing he says is ever good enough.

 

He told me last night - he wants to try, he is still a bit apprehensive after everything that has gone on, but that he loves me and he thinks we can make it. He just wants to go 24 hours without talking about something related to January and without me thinking there is something wrong.

[changes]

blueeyes good luck with everything. i'm in a similar situation that I feel my bf and i had a rough month and i worry he's going to pull away because of it. I feel like he's not as intimate with me as b4, but like was said here, give it time. that's what i'm tryin to do. work on what we talked about, and give him space to get things back the way they were.

 

just take it day by day from his response sounds like he wants to work it out. just takes time

[blueyes25]

I may have to post this somewhere else, but what makes resentment go away after arguments? or in my case - after 1 month of conflict? RayKay, any ideas? or really anyone have any ideas?

[blueyes25]

I kind of left part of the story out when I originally posted this question. He says I am beautiful and he loves me, but that he is just not feeling very sexual right now. I caught him looking at internet porn the other night. I got up at 3am to get some water - I walked downstairs and around the corner and see the laptop and naked girls etc. Normally, I wouldn't care at all - but he isn't having sex with me, so it definitely did not make me feel good. I didn't fly off the handle or anything, but I did try to voice my discomfort. He said again it was that he wasn't feeling very attracted to me right now b/c of all the fighting etc. After the internet porn thing, I felt like what he was inadvertantly saying was this: "I am not feeling very sexual right now.....toward YOU!" or "I am not sexually attracted to you right now." Should I be concerned? For the first time ever, I felt like he was choosing porn over me and it hurt.

 

I can say that since all of this started, I have masturbated a time or two and looked at internet porn as well. Like I said, normally it wouldn't have offended me in the least. We are very open about these things. However, I felt like an internet model was more appealing than me and it made me sad.

 

Hmmmmm......

[Hope75]

I would have been hurt too. I wonder if with time and learning how to approach issues that the sex will improve too.

 

You could be the hottest girl on earth but if he doesn't feel that connection with you right now, feels distant because of all the fighting, he's probably not going to feel sexual towards you. It's a tough spot to be in.

 

Instead of focusing on another problem (i.e. the lack of sex at the moment), try to think about how you each can improve the communication and how you react to one another and how you respect one another, even during a fight, and treat each other that way.

 

Your boyfriend has indicated that he does love you and though things are shakey right now, he does want to try and work things out, a good sign.

 

If you work on the communication and relation, and that improves, I suspect your sex life will follow suit.