Interested in a co-worker

[daisy77]

Hi,

 

I am interested in one of my co-workers who is also very shy. We've worked together for almost two years and most of that time I have been curious about him. I have a feeling this might be mutual, but since he's shy it is hard for me to tell for sure.

 

More and more lately I've been wondering if I should do something, even if it's just to ask him to do something as friends because either way I would like to get to know him better. We get along well and seem to understand each other since we're both shy.

 

My question to all of you is, have you ever dated someone you work with? And, if you were in my situation would you do anything?

 

I do have concerns about seeing someone I work with and I'm trying to be realistic about that. I would like to get to know him better though and don't want to regret not trying later. At the same time I am afraid that by asking him to do something it would lead him on (that's assuming he's interested too) and could be very awkward if things didn't work out.

 

Anyone have any advice or information about past experiences?

 

Thank you.

[tomservo]

I've been the guy in this exact same situation. I'm also very shy and this girl at work started flirting with me and we became friends. After a while it became obvious that there was more going on. However, things didn't really work out and it became clear to me that her feelings weren't as strong as she had lead me to believe. So, you're absolutely right in not wanting to lead him on. I'd recommend just trying to become friends with him and after a while start dropping some hints that you'd like to date. But don't come on too strong and don't say things that you don't mean. That's what happened to me and now I have a lot of resentment towards this girl because she rejected me and really really hurt me.

[shes2smart]

My question to all of you is, have you ever dated someone you work with? And, if you were in my situation would you do anything?

 

Yes, twice.

 

First was with a guy who worked a different shift. We overlapped work time by an hour or two, so that's how we got to know each other. Worked with him for 10 years before anything happened (both of us were in various relationships with other people during that time.) Then we were both single & went out one night and it went from there.

 

No one else we worked with ever knew. It turned out to be more of a FWB situation than bf/gf, which was fine...that was all either of us was looking for at the time. Went on for the better part of a year, and ended when I started thinking I wanted more of a relationship situation. I knew he still didn't, so we mutually agreed to end the "benefits" part and transitioned back to being co-workers & friends and worked together for a few more years until he moved on to another job.

 

Second time was not so smooth and, in fact, ended up being a contributing factor to me leaving a job I'd had for well over 15 years.

 

On the whole, I think in most cases you're much better off to leave a good, solid wall between your work life and your personal life. Having done it both ways, I've noticed a heck of a lot less drama and complications when I follow the old adage, "Don't get your honey where you get your money."

[daisy77]

Thanks tomservo and shes2smart for your advice.

 

tomservo, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. Did the two of you spend much time together outside of work? Do you still work together now?

 

Any suggestions on how I can become better friends with him without it seeming too date-ish? We do talk at work and get along well, but again, with both of us being shy a lengthy conversation doesn't happen often. That, and with others around who are more outgoing it makes it difficult for us shy types to talk a lot.

 

There's one other thing I'm concerned about. I don't all of the details, but a little while ago, mutual acquaintances/co-workers of ours were suggesting he ask me out (I wasn't aware of any of this at the time). He didn't. Not long after this he started avoiding me a bit and seemed sad when we would talk. I don't know what happened, and probably won't know, but I'm concerned that he might think I have no interest in any way.

 

Again, I would like to know him better, but I'm not sure what to do. I think I would be interested in dating him, but more than that I would really like to be his friend -- and at one time it did seem like it was heading in that direction.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Work Relationships are tricky.

 

I think its great to have friends that you work with, but going down the dating path can easily cause a lot of problems.

 

I dated a girl that I worked with, then I just kinda pulled a d*ck move and stopped calling her. She became my supervisor, and it was pretty crappy.

 

The only work dating experiences i've seen that didn't end up terrible, were the ones where the two people ended up married.

[dreamweaverdude]

Let's be very candid, most relationship fail. I mean look at the percentages. If they didn't we wouldn't all be here.. LOL... SO if you consider that going into a 'work/dating relationship' you know the odds are pretty good it isn't going to work out.

 

I say that not to be a pessimist but to ask you to examine reality and are you willing to take the 'risk' of having this person and you in a possible awkward situation in the future. I mean examine the possible endings or outcomes of this..... and truthfully you need to consider your companies policu on this, if any, if the two of you DO hit it off will one of you HAVE to quit due to nepotism.

 

You need to consider all those things BEFORE you even think about it, that is if you job/career mean anything to you.

 

Weight the options.

[tomservo]

daisy77

 

We didn't start hanging out together until about three months before she "dumped" me. And we probably went out about three or four times and hung out together at her place or mine about half a dozen times. Mostly we just talked on instant messenger. A lot. And no, we don't work together anymore. Thank God. I was, and still am, pretty bitter and angry and I took it out on her a lot. Some days were better than others but a lot of times I would just completely ignore her. Even when she would try to speak to me directly. Right now I'm just trying to move on and let go of the past. Whether or not we are friends again (or anything else) depends on her I guess. I'd love to be with her, but right now that's not realistic for so many reasons. (Sorry for hijacking your thread!)

 

Personally, I'd recommend that you just start talking to him at work for a while. A week or two maybe. And then maybe after you feel more comfortable, ask him for his e-mail address or if he has IM. I find it's a great way to talk to someone if you're shy, and it kind of let's you open up more and say things you wouldn't normally say face to face. But, you have to be careful what you say as well. It's hard sometimes to pick up on subtleties in conversation.

[daisy77]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

I'm still not sure what to do, but I'm not going to rush into anything.

 

I do like my job a lot and see myself staying with the organization so I don't want to do anything that would harm that.

 

More than anything right now I'd like to get to know him better and hopefully be friends with him, but I'm not exactly sure how to do that without sending mixed signals. I'll tread carefully and hope for the best (whatever that may be).

 

Thanks again.