trust me, this is important...(did you get the trust thing?, hehe)

[gingertea]

Hey everybody, thanks for taking some time to read my question and give some advice...I'm new here, but it seems like a good place to get good advice...and i need some...

 

some background info first....

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years now...in september of last year I left for college and am now living about an hour away from her. The distance isn't that much of a problem, we usually see each other once or twice a week so it's ok. She is in her last year of high school and this relationship has been...well, an experiment to say the least...she has been my first everything and I have been hers pretty much...now, here comes the thing...

 

I have always been honest and straightforward with her, entirely commited to our relationship and happiness together...she, on the other hand has been pretty immature in her honesty...she has betrayed me and been dishonest pretty much the whole time...some times about big things...but mostly just about little things...anyways...i have a hard time letting go of past hurts that she causes with her lies and so on...especially with the distance between us...

After some recent hard times, on the verge of breaking up again, we decided we had to many things going to just throw it all away, so we're trying to work through some things together...she told me she is going to be honest and committed to me from now on, and she is really convincing too, it's just...like the boy who cries wolf story, in that i've heard it all before...and how do i get over the practically 2 years of past and live with no strings attached to her now?

I really want to believe her...i just feel like anytime i get close to trusting her again, it somehow breaks...she loves me and i love her...and although i may be making our relationship seem like a very bad thing, it really is something very special to both of us...and also very good!

 

Just a few wrinkles here and there...she is willing to do anything to make me feel secure in her words...to me, her words mean little since they change so often...and because of this, i have built myself a wall in front of her...maybe so i don't get hurt again...maybe a fear of being vulnerable again...being hurt again and again...she says no more...she says she wants a sincere, honest. open communicative realtionship with me...and it all sounds really good...but how can i let down my guard for her...i have become insecure with her because of her dishonesty...you know...the whole "well, if you're not honest and lie to me about this...then you probably do about this too!" kind of thing...it's silly and stupid, i know, but i have become jealous because of this lack of honesty...i really feel in my heart that she means business now...but my mind just keeps playing the same old movies over and over again...help!

 

so sorry about the long post...i should've kept it to a sentence....but it just didn't seem possible...i don't think i mentioned enough, so if you have any questions please let me know...just want to say that i'm looking for suggestions to stay together with her, not to break up...because this really could be something out of this world...thank you all for any advice you have, and have a great day!

[PrincessLinzay]

Well, unfortunately there isn't any magical method to restore trust. Trust is something that is earned over time, and once broken, difficult to get back.

 

Really the only thing that you can do is give it time and let her actions speak for her. If she's saying it's real this time, she's going to have to prove it, and until she does you will continue to have doubts.

 

It's really easy to tell people what they want to hear. It's much more difficult to prove to them through your actions that you are sincere. After being repeatedly lied to, I can understand why you are now finding it difficult not be suspicious. Truth is, you have every right to be suspicious, and just because she has some pretty words now, doesn't mean anything has changed yet.

 

Since you have every intention of continuing the relationship, my advice would have to be 1) Allow enough time to establish whether or not her behaviors are changing 2) Set aside the past since you have chosen to look beyond it. If you're choosing to stay with her, you can't continuously throw her past actions back in her face, no matter how badly you would like to. Give her an opportunity to prove herself. If she fails this time, it's time to call it quits.

[gingertea]

thanks for the advice PrincessLinzay. You said some important things about giving her a chance to prove her actions. This is something I know I don't do well. But this is also something I will try working on. Setting aside the past is also a great piece of advice...for me, not easy to do, however, I do agree that it will be a necessary component to moving forward. I truly thank you alot for your insight. thank you again...

[1babylove]

I have to agree. Let the actions speak for themselves. I have been in a two year relationship with a man that is 5 years older than me. He has continued over the course of the relationship to behave immaturely. Instead of addressing his own issues or feelings. He acts out by seeking the attention and the acceptance of other women, all based on lies.

 

I have forgiven him for these actions in the past. Its been a continuous battle. But my love for him and our lives out weigh the hurt. I am naturally a curious person and I pry. Over the course of the relationship I've changed a ton due ot his actions and the effects they have. The "reasons" why he does what he does is always my fault.

 

I recently found his "single" link removed page and a good "friend",his ex, pointed out that he also had another yahoo account that is single. He has had it since after we started dating...

 

You see there is tons of deception and lies. I am coming to terms with it and accepting my part of the responsibility.

 

Essentially what I am saying is I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to be that true and loving person that I fell in love with.

 

Good luck with building the trust. It is hard and a long road. I am just beginning it again. Every day it gets better. Everyday that I am able to know that he is there and be supportive it gets better. The hurt is still there as well as the anger...its a grieving process. Just understand that. You lost something dear to you, trust. Its hard to build and its hard to replace.

 

Just remember that everyone processes deception, hurt, and lies differently. We can provide guidance but you can only know what will work for your relationship.

[gingertea]

hey there babylove, thank you so much for your response...it's nice to know someone else is in a similar position...what you said about coming to terms with the lies and deception...what did you mean by accepting your part of the responsibility? I really appreciate your story and your honesty with me. I'm glad that you are on your way to a better relationship. Thank you again for your perspective.

[1babylove]

gingertea,

 

What I meant about taking my responsibility: In a relationship, one has to be aware of their part in the bad or good. Though I take no responsibility for his behavior, I know its confusing. I am not trying to defend what has been done but trying to understand what I could do different. How can I promote a secure and safe feeling communication. An openness...I am very head strong and independent. I jump before I think as well as react. Its a growing process. I try to go into everything and try to find a good. How can I make this a positive? Promote a a healthy relationship with the man that I absolutely adore. Give him a chance to see that there is a woman out there that doesn't reject him for looks or for anything. I fell in love. Regardless of outside circumstances..I fell in love and I am devoted to making this work. I understand that there may come a time where I may have to accept defeat...I am really competitive...but I also have faith in people and within myself and hopefully we can rise above all of this.

[gingertea]

ah, i know what you mean...thank you again for your responses! Faith in myself is something that I need to kick up a notch...one more question, if you don't mind, and this is for everyone out there as well...how do you get out of those times when your mind is just stuck in the pain of the past...? you know...even those good memories seem tainted by the bad ones that surround them...my mind just races sometimes...(well, most of the time) about things and betrayals and you know...things like that...especially after doing this for a couple years...wish i could keep the past...in the past...but it's like, i just get these reminders of bad times or whatnot, and then i fall in it...again...it sucks the life out of me...hope you can understand the mind traps that i am talking about...thanks again.

[1babylove]

I completely understand what you are talking about. I find these memories happen with trigger words, pictures, memories...Its really hard. I've vented to Justin about it and all that he can do is sit there and finally be supportive. This is Day 6 for me, with finding out the infidelity. Last night was the first night that I wasn't up until the wee hours thinking about it. I know that I want to move forward and me constantly dwelling on it, its my nature to analyze everything, isn't helping. I know that we cannot find happiness until I work past it. And when I am having my moments, of hurt and pain, I just have to remember that this isn't happening. They are only ever just a flash of time. You will never forget this. But you can forgive. I look back on the stuff in the past. Phone sex and sex with other women....and it doesn't even stir up feelings because I've moved past that, I've forgiven that.

 

Its just hard. There isn't a definite answer for any relationship issue. I wish there was I wish it was black and white. It would make my life easier.

 

Advice: Just work through it. Let her know when you feel this way, share your pain, get the support you need from her, let her know that you love her. Its a grieving process. There are tons of questions why, how, when, what...none of it can be truly answered. There are stages in grieving. Anger, hurt, denial....is all part of it. Eventually, you will make it through this.

 

For me...I am reaching out. This is a ton of help. I am sad to hear that so many people have the same problem but it is nice to have the support.

 

We are all here for you.

 

Stay strong, positive.

 

Yes!!! Faith is so important....start with yourself.

 

You go to school right? See a counselor. I know at my university they offered so many hours for free and it is so nice to sit and not be judged to get really good guidance and advice.

 

[gingertea]

thank you so much for your input babylove...it means alot to me...and you have my support too!