will I ever be able to trust him fully?

[mermayd]

My bf didnt exactly cheat on me...He was involved with this other girl for a long time. Before he and I were together. I found out a few months back that he was talking to her and having intimate conversations with her. He said he didnt mean what he said in the context it was taken in. But how many ways does one interpret "I think about you all the time, youre always on my mind"???? He said he meant it in the context of the damage of their relationshipo and behaviors that he needs to change to have a healthy relationship with me. He said that she and he were talking about things they have changed about themself primarily. I personally, cannot see the relevance of comparing notes with your ex while both parties are in another relationship. Maybe I am wrong...please tell me.

So after I found out they were speaking, I naturally got angry at him. He pleaded for my forgiveness and has done everything he could possibly do to win back my trust and forgiveness. The problem is I find myself completely unable to trust and forgive him. I think it may be a problem with me...my personality. I dont think I am flawed or its my fault or anything like that, but I have some trust issues relating to my past and I think that may be playing a part in what is going on with my bf and I. He has let me see his emails, listen to phone calls, check his messages, check his call log for incoming/outgoing/missed calls. Two friends of mine "watch" him while I am not around (in town) and they tell me nothing suspicious has happened.

He has given me every reason to trust him but I cannot bring myself to do it. He hurt me so bad with their conversations and even met up with her. The words they used were those that people would use in a relationship. Some of the things he said to her he has never evenm said to me! But he is the best bf I have ever been with and treats me like no one ever has and I have fallen so in love with him and I know he has learned of love from me as well.

I just dont wanna be blind again. I dont want to be naive. I am afraid he is chatting with her via AIM and she has a username that he did not tell me about. I am constantly worrying myself that he will stray to her. and she did nothing but hurt him. I can hurt him if thats all he wants. But its not. I know he wants the love we share and I know he loves what we have together and I KNOW he has NEVER shared that with ANYONE else. I just want to trust him again. I dont want to live through this relationship constantly worrying if I dont have anything more to fret about. I dont want to waste my time worrying and not enjoying the relationship. And I dont want to waste my time on the relationship if he is not taking it seriously. I should not have to play detective and I should not have to feel I have to snoop and know every detail of his life. But I DO feel I need to in order to have comfort that he is telling me the truth and that he is serious about me and our relationship. I dont know how to feel.

[secret_agent_man]

Ouch. I understand your concern.

He went farther then I would, but yet he didn't cheat... I don't really know how to take that. It's most likely exactly what he says, but again it's strange that he would be this close with her after their relationship.

 

Maybe he is trying to help himself get over her. He may be trying to just talk about what went wrong so he can learn for the future... I don't know.

 

I guess my concern is that it seems you've gone overboard. Having to monitor all of his activities is just not healthy for the relationship, either way you cut the deck. If it's his fault, then you just can't trust him, if it's yours, you can't make him live like this.

 

I think you have a great big choice to make. Either set some ground rules, and tell him you will learn to trust him, or let him be. If you tell him that he can't talk to his ex, you wouldn't be the first one, but you'll have to trust that he won't. Babysitting him is no way to live in a relationship, for him or you. Just take some time to really think through this one before you make a decision. Don't jump into it, but realize that this mix of behavior will probably end it sooner or later anyway.

 

Good luck, let me know what happens?!?!

 

S.A.M.

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

I think unless he's a sleazy or tricky guy, give him a chance, we all deserve one. Think of why u luved him in the first place...as guys, we often can't help ourselves when we flirt with another person, often it develops into somethin more but we all the time feel guilty of what we're doin but just can't help it, it's us. U stepped in at a good time and stopped this, I honestly think u've woken him up, just what he needed. He's doin all he can 2 get ur trust back and he probably luvs u heaps and doesn't want 2 loose u if he was totally in luv with the other chick, then it would've been a good time to leave. But if he's an honest loving person, he still luvs u heaps and u just hav 2 stop thinkin so much about any consequences, coz what's suppose 2 happen, will happen. He's tryin so hard to make it work between u's, i think it's time u showed somethin back 2 him in return....

 

Happy Heb

[DealingWithIt]

I'm on the flip side of your situation and here's what I have to say:

 

How do you know if your bf is being truthful to you? Sometimes you think you know someone then all of the sudden you find out another side to them. He lets you see his cell phone logs, emails and for what? He can have other cell no or another email or aol screen name without you knowing it.

 

My now ex hooked up with another girl behind my back. I found out about their relationship a few months back thru this "other" girl. Of course, he told her anything to make her trust him again while she contemplates breaking things off with him...he even told her that he'll commit suicide if she leaves him! The now gf told me not to email or contact him...and I told her...you can have him and gave her my blessing for them to be happy. I said to myself...why bother with someone who cheats and I know he'll cheat on her. Once a cheater, Always a cheater.

 

Fast forward to 3 months and half later, I've moved on with my life. I was happy again when I get a phone call late one night. Guess who? That's right...MY EX! He still wants us to be "friends with benefits". Guess this girl is not doing it for him. He asks me not to tell his current girl that we're talking again. I agreed. We talk about whats going on in our lives and yes, we do talk intimately. I broke my promise not to tell his new girl. He ended up leaving her for me. Funny how things turned out, huh?

Now, this girl is harassing him online and with phone calls and he couldnt care less.

 

My advice....you will always doubt him. He will tell you things to make you believe him.

[Genesis]

Youshould give him a chance but unless they are talking about sex or hooking up. I do ot see why he can not be friendly with her.

 

He should however only be talking to this girl maybe every month or so. If he loves you he should cut down the contact. he will resent you if you tell him to dump his friend.

He may still be in love with her , I mean he can not let go of her. I still have contact with my ex of 4 years ago, but we only talk about things that real friends talk about. When I had a boyfriend I never stayed so close to my ex to make him feel as if I would run off with him.

It is sooo hard to trust people these days! I know how you feel. My ex lied to me so much he began to think his lies where true!!

[Zoe10]

I understand how hard it is for you. I feel your worry and confusion. I have trust issues relating to awful past experiences. I *can* always think of a way that things might not be the way it seems... often fearing the worst and jumping to conclusions. Tell your bf how you feel, and how the conversations and so forth hurt you thus making you suspicious of him now. I think it is only fair for him to understand you; after all he was the one who made you doubtful in the first place. It is good to forgive like you have done (and it could be as innocent as he said). I have learnt that communication is the best way to gain trust. Keeping all your suspicions to yourself is a breeding ground for unnecessary worry.

 

Take care,

Zoe

[kuhl282000]

I hate to say it....but once the trust is gone.....it is gone forever....you give it freely from your heart and soul to another person........and what they do with it is up to them. I have tried to get it back for someone several times after the trust was broken....I'm sorry to report ...it was never the same......that little thing called doubt....that can drive a person crazy........I was reading somewhere that once you break the trust with someone that you have less than a 3% chance of making it in the future..........I say take your loses now and move on and find someone you can trust......it is all about trust....and if you can't trust it really is over.

 

Trust me on that

 

Good luck

 

Kuhl

Florida