My fiance still loves his X

[liz22]

I just found out the my fiance has been talking to his x-girlfriend on the phone. She lives on the other side of the country in his hometown but he is going to his hometown to visit in a month and I am worried. He revealed to me today that he still loves her but he is IN love with me so I shouldn't worry. I also found out that he has not told her about me at all. To her knowledge I don't exist. My fiance told me that this is their thing...they remain friends but don't tell each other about their love lives so that they won't hurt the other person. The thing is, he dosen't want to hurt her, but by doing that he is hurting me (100 times more). What should I do. What should I think? I mean, I have already told him what I think but he says I just have to deal with it.

[Bethany]

You should tell him that YOU hurt and you're not happy about this. If he sees a future with you, he should tell her. I understand that he still wants to remain friends but not at your expense.

 

Tell him he's playing some selfish game with no regard to you and your feelings and that's got to stop or at least tell her about you or you have to walk away. I don't think you really have a choice.

[RayKay]

Sorry, but this is fishy. My boyfriend is friends with a couple of his ex's, and I am friends with a couple of mine, but everyone knows about one another, has met, and there is completely honesty about the relationships. With my ex, we did have something for a few months after breakup we did not tell each other about our love lives, BUT we had an agreement that when someone came along that was very important, it would be known. I am very bothered he will not tell her he is ENGAGED to be married, and about someone (you) whom is that significant. Casual dates/dating is one thing, but hiding that seems very underhanded and suspicious.

 

It would be one thing if he never talked to her and just did not want to call her up and tell her, but if he is talking to her regularly and you NEVER come up, that is a BIG red flag. You two are supposed to be getting MARRIED, so don't you think that is a bit more then just not sharing details of dating lives?

 

Telling you that you have to "just deal with it" without really taking into account how selfish and harmful this is to you, and your relationship is ridiculous. I just cannot see how he would rather hurt you over her, if he is truly "in love with you" and you truly should not have to worry.

 

 

 

Point is if they were truly friends, this should not matter. It should not matter as they are BROKEN UP. How is moving on going to hurt the other person if they just have a "friendship". Sure, waving the details in their face is one thing, but not even acknowledging you exist is just a way for him to really keep the options open. What happens when you are married, is he going to deny that too? That is simply wrong. To me that is a complete slap in your face, and a complete disrespect...

 

Sure, the people we dated in the past are people we may care about, and think of now and then, even see sometimes. But to tell you he still loves her but is "in love with you" was just selfish and absurd. Even if he does still care about her, that was just an idiotic thing to say. He should be telling you he LOVES and is IN LOVE with you. It's the LOVE that is the true strong stuff relationships need.

 

Can I ask how long you have been together, and how long you have been engaged? How did the engagement come about? What happened to break them up...whom with who? How often is he talking to her?

 

Why are you not going home with him???

 

I don't know what you can do to, if he has told you to just "deal with it" (ugh...) other then express that he needs to tell her about you, and then from that make some decisions on what you need to do and what is acceptable to you.

 

Sorry sweetie, but he is not showing me from what you have said that he makes you a priority - if he is engaged to you, he should be proud of you and showing you off...ex's or not.

[stolenshadow]

I just found out the my fiance has been talking to his x-girlfriend on the phone. She lives on the other side of the country in his hometown but he is going to his hometown to visit in a month and I am worried.

 

Hello, I think you do have a reason to be worried, I guess he didn't ask you if you were okay with the idea of him making that visit, so we can say he feels like he's single and can just do whatever he feels like doing.

 

He revealed to me today that he still loves her but he is IN love with me so I shouldn't worry.

 

You either love a person or you don't, so he said he will visit another woman he loves, why would you allow that?.

 

I also found out that he has not told her about me at all. To her knowledge I don't exist. My fiance told me that this is their thing...they remain friends but don't tell each other about their love lives so that they won't hurt the other person.

 

What an easy relationship they have, they are technically single for each other but can have a sort of relationship with other people.

 

 

The thing is, he dosen't want to hurt her, but by doing that he is hurting me (100 times more). What should I do. What should I think? I mean, I have already told him what I think but he says I just have to deal with it.

 

He doesn't want to hurt her but can hurt you, that is like saying "I care about her more than you".

You tell him what you think and he says you have to deal with it, it's true, he's doing whatever he wants, you can't stop him from loving this girl, from wanting to visit her and for treating you like his second option, YOU are the one that has to do something about it, YOU are the one that has to evaluate how much you want to remain the "other woman", the one with no priority.

 

I fear you will marry this guy and he'll keep doing the same, he doesn't respect you, why do you want a life-long relationship that lacks respect?.

He might just arrive one day from one of those trips and say your relationship is over, but why would you want that?, why not pay attention to what is happening and get out of this damaging relationship now?.

 

Nobody here can tell you what you should do, we can only give advise, so I hope you can find what the right thing for you is.

[Angel Irulan]

Gee, it seems he's thinking more about her feelings than yours. Don't worry though, I think this fella will get a reality check when he goes home. And I would not stay his fiance if he did not tell her immediately about me.

He does not sound like he's over her! He may not be ready to be your fiance. If it were me I would be really angry at being put in the situation of waiting to see what happens with this ex of his. Are you sure he's *the one* for you?