do i give in?

[kickedin]

a lot more to my story...but here goes been datin this girl for a year or so...she was going through a divorce....things got hot and heavy fast fell in love all that jazz......over the course of the year we had our incidents mostly she said she needed her own time because she was always with somone so she would try i would try for the space and we would wind up together again...after a few big fights lately...mostly over seeing indifferences about where we were...why she needed her space......i mean she was buying wedding books and trying on engagment rings and so on....granted this may sound weird because she isnt divorced yet but hey we were together for a year.....we havent talked since thursday and its killing me.....i know i need her to come to me and i think this break is good so she can sort her divorce out which should be final with the month or so.....and i need to know if when we got together that i wasnt filling in the void ...and i hope she isnt out looking for another thing.....i wish could say more but i am pressed for time....thanks guys

[NJRon]

All I can say, and based upon my own experience coming out of a divorce, it is a very confusing time. Emotions run all over the place and there is a tendency to rush things.

 

For me, there was a period of euphoria when I started seeing someone new after my marriage. I definitely rushed things and made (and accepted) promises that couldn't be kept... not fully thinking everything through. Finally the emotions settled down a bit and I was able to start thinking with a clear head. When that happens, things change. You're right in your thinking on this one. Stay cautious.

[kickedin]

All I can say, and based upon my own experience coming out of a divorce, it is a very confusing time. Emotions run all over the place and there is a tendency to rush things.

 

For me, there was a period of euphoria when I started seeing someone new after my marriage. I definitely rushed things and made (and accepted) promises that couldn't be kept... not fully thinking everything through. Finally the emotions settled down a bit and I was able to start thinking with a clear head. When that happens, things change. You're right in your thinking on this one. Stay cautious.

 

 

i know we have a strong love but...she is a roller coaster of emotions that i hate.....one minute it is i love you like i have never loved anyone else the next it is we are not a good match.....

[Shadows Light]

Trying on engagement rings and buying Brides magazines... even before the INK hits the divorce papers.. let alone dries sufficientlly...

 

You might want to give her some breathing room and space to... unwind.

[kickedin]

Trying on engagement rings and buying Brides magazines... even before the INK hits the divorce papers.. let alone dries sufficientlly...

 

You might want to give her some breathing room and space to... unwind.

 

true....just seem to have a hard accepting that since she pulls me to that side of moving forward then jumps back to....ooohhhh i need my space i get jammed up....and when i give her the space we wind up together agian because we miss eachother so much.....dam divorces take forever

[Shadows Light]

Aye it does take forever. Are you talking about the divorce on paper... or the divorce that happens internally???

 

There is a difference.

 

Put it this way... My attorney told me... I can divorce you on paper, thats not a problem. The divorce that happens internaly... ahhh thats another story. Some take a long long time to let go. Others never let go.

 

 

[kickedin]

Aye it does take forever. Are you talking about the divorce on paper... or the divorce that happens internally???

 

There is a difference.

 

Put it this way... My attorney told me... I can divorce you on paper, thats not a problem. The divorce that happens internaly... ahhh thats another story. Some take a long long time to let go. Others never let go.

 

 

 

she told me she was over him......the paper divorce is taxing her emotionally and now that he knows about us she is tending to resent me for not waiting and now he seems to be dragging it to break her balls

[Shadows Light]

The grand bustin of the balls... ohhh yes. Familiar am I with it. OUCH !!

although to me its more like twisting of the ovaries.. but I get your analogy.

 

Well.. have patience. Maybe some time away from each other may be the ticket. Sometimes getting involved in a relationship too soon is too soon.

[kickedin]

The grand bustin of the balls... ohhh yes. Familiar am I with it. OUCH !!

although to me its more like twisting of the ovaries.. but I get your analogy.

 

Well.. have patience. Maybe some time away from each other may be the ticket. Sometimes getting involved in a relationship too soon is too soon.

 

i told her i couldnt take it anymore and i needed to move on that i loved her so much but if it isnt working and we are on diferent pages then what? she tells me the same thing back in a long email and says move on so...even though we had a bad fight i iniated the moving on...she confirmed it and it has been since thursday...and i feel like i want to drop her a card or email just to let her know i am thinking about her because i do love her.....but it is tough to not do it

[Shadows Light]

I know...

 

well.... why don't you drop her a card in the mail.. and don't sign it.. put a pressed flower in it.

 

or be a bit old fashioned and spray your cologne on it. She'll know its you.. and at the same time.. since you didn't sign it know that the bridge is still out....

[kickedin]

I know...

 

well.... why don't you drop her a card in the mail.. and don't sign it.. put a pressed flower in it.

 

or be a bit old fashioned and spray your cologne on it. She'll know its you.. and at the same time.. since you didn't sign it know that the bridge is still out....

 

oh i know shes know my cologne...but what if she thinks her clown husband sent it...lol

[Shadows Light]

is there one thing.. that only the two of you know?????

 

Like.. for me.. it'd be maybe a song. Or.... A Golden Leaf from a tree...

 

Lets say its a song.. you'd write in the card..

 

Heard XYZ song and thought of you. PERIOD.

 

Or as in my leaf.. you'd just place that in a card and thats it.

 

Or.. maybe there was a place you hung out.. you might want to get a coctail napkin from there (if its printed)....

 

or ... if theres a cartoon you guys always laughed at..

 

There's got to be a distinquishing factor that ONLY the two of you knew about.

[kickedin]

is there one thing.. that only the two of you know?????

 

Like.. for me.. it'd be maybe a song. Or.... A Golden Leaf from a tree...

 

Lets say its a song.. you'd write in the card..

 

Heard XYZ song and thought of you. PERIOD.

 

Or as in my leaf.. you'd just place that in a card and thats it.

 

Or.. maybe there was a place you hung out.. you might want to get a coctail napkin from there (if its printed)....

 

or ... if theres a cartoon you guys always laughed at..

 

There's got to be a distinquishing factor that ONLY the two of you knew about.

 

 

yeah sounds good...the cocktail napkin is great but knowing her....she may wonder who i was there with as it is a romantic place...

[Shadows Light]

Gosh darn it... Write on it... REMEMBER WHEN!!!

[kickedin]

Gosh darn it... Write on it... REMEMBER WHEN!!!

 

 

lol......i just feel like i want her to chase me since shes the one who always says she needs her space...but i feel like if i just let her go totally i will regret that until too much time has passed and things may happen that i wont get over.....and i dont play games i just want to know that i am what she definitely wants...maybe by sending her a card low key will open that door

[red10]

when you get divorced, do you think of old friends that could have been something more and do you go after that? my ex did that to me - an old friend of his called and now he feels a connection so he's going with that risk. he seems so sure of it too. she just got divorced, has a kid (to try to save her marriage which didn't work) and it seems like she had my ex in mind for a while....is that normal? what are the chances that it will actually work out? of course, the beginning is always the best - everything is new....but does it last?

[Shadows Light]

I see what you mean RED.. Every New Broom sweeps well.

 

OK.. so does it have to be that way!! come on have some HOPE.... it can happen... why could it not happen!! Why couldn't two people meet.. who are older now, who are more experienced now, who do not carry a HISTORY of baggage together and fall in love.. get married and stay HAPPY AND IN LOVE ????

 

 

Why why why can't it happen???? Sure it can. It can happen for each of us!! don't nay say me.... I can't Believe that I am doomed for the rest of my life to feel like I do today... I've gotta have some hope!!!

 

------

 

OP - YOU KNOW... these days they call it playing games... there was a time they called it ROMANCE. Women love to be romanced. Romanced.. Romanced. You put too much distance betweent he two of you.. and She'll fly the coop !!! She's been caged for too long... and she's on the clock... tic tic tic tic tic....

 

Get my drift!!!!! MOVE IT... Romance that chick.. before she's gone...

[kickedin]

when you get divorced, do you think of old friends that could have been something more and do you go after that? my ex did that to me - an old friend of his called and now he feels a connection so he's going with that risk. he seems so sure of it too. she just got divorced, has a kid (to try to save her marriage which didn't work) and it seems like she had my ex in mind for a while....is that normal? what are the chances that it will actually work out? of course, the beginning is always the best - everything is new....but does it last?

 

 

i have never been divorced...have another friend whose ex did that to her after their divoce......

 

i have come to the conclusion...no matter how great you are to someone going through a divorce will cloud their judgement

[kickedin]

your saying i should romance a chick who is still going thru a divorce?

[red10]

i personally think someone going through a divorce should not see anyone right away -too many emotions, but i think this old friend was really thinking of my ex when she was going through the divorce...and now she's getting him - i am so angry that she is able to do that and be so sure that her and my ex are going to be happy because they have a connection...arrrggghhh....i want to kick his * * * * * for picking her over me - his loss - but then he probably won't see that, he already has gained with her i guess...soooo devastating!

 

by the way, whatever happened to your friends ex after their divorce...that work out?

[kickedin]

i personally think someone going through a divorce should not see anyone right away -too many emotions, but i think this old friend was really thinking of my ex when she was going through the divorce...and now she's getting him - i am so angry that she is able to do that and be so sure that her and my ex are going to be happy because they have a connection...arrrggghhh....i want to kick his * * * * * for picking her over me - his loss - but then he probably won't see that, he already has gained with her i guess...soooo devastating!

 

by the way, whatever happened to your friends ex after their divorce...that work out?

 

they got together soon after and it didnt she wound up marrying some guy and now(10 years) they are together(my friends ex husband and his old flame)

[kickedin]

it has been 6 days and i dont understand why this is becoming harder... i know hse has to deal witht his divorce but for some reason i feel like if i dont call her she may take solace in another guy.....i know my emotions right?

[Shadows Light]

I am trying to understand what you are going through.

Thought about this on the drive home, since your situation applies elsewhere.

 

Proximity. If I thought aobut my situation and the turmoil I am going through in my divorce situation...then who do I lean on when I"m feeling down?? closest friends, family. Who do I turn to for distraction? closest friends, family. Who do I turn to for validation... validation that I am ok as a person... validation that I am not a broken down mess of goo.... closest friends, family.

 

Going through this severing of a limb..."divorce". I am constantly told that I need to 'rebuild' my life. Who will be included and how am I going to rebuild my life? Who is included in that new life??? closest friends/family. So... naturally I can see where you'd want to remain..in close proximity so that you can be included in her inner circle.

 

However... sitting in her shoes, my perspective. Here's the thing. "divorce" is a head trip. You have Mr. Idiot badgering you and pulling on you. The same idiot who is imprinted on emblazened on your mental hard-drive. You'd just like to format your BRAIN if it was possible. But difficult to do.. cause the SOB keeps coming at you again and again and again.

 

Then... you are trying to privately look at your former relationship.. and if you are HONEST with yourself. You want to look at what part you played in its downfall. Lets face it, we ALL had a part to play in it. Simply in how we REACTED to whatever the stimulus was. We reacted negatively or postively. The REPLAY that occurs is agonizing. No one wants to admit they failed. And this REPLAY or REVIEW... has to take place, because we certainly do not want to repeat the pain again.

 

So... you review it. And you want to keep the good. And get rid of the bad. THE BAD habits. And gosh forbid.. thats going to take CHANGE. You k now how we humans LOVE change. ugggghhh. I'd rather have a root canal w/o novacaine. Intuiitvely.. we know we have to change up how we act/react and the rules, if we want to stay in the GAME.

 

Bottom line.. we're scared to death. Scared to DEATH that it will happen all over again. We're still not done with the past relationship... ohh no.. the legalities may be final. But the MENTAL divorce takes longer. What makes it worse if there are children involved. And the other spouse does't diengage. You can disengage all you want. You can not react to their sarcasim or poison darts. But inside... deep inside.. you hurt. They get ya... because you can not reformat that brain, not to feel. Soooo.. how do you move on into a NEW relationship. And work through all the logistics with the new relationship, if you are still near heat of the PITTS OF HELL.

 

I suppose thats why most phsychologists and marriage counselors expound so much on ... waiting for a period of 2 years before engaging in another relationship. Wise words. Does it happen??? NO.... falling in love comes in its own good time.

 

So.... POSTER... what do you do? Well. A good solid relationship. Starts with Friendship. How can you be a good friend to her at this time. What would a good friend do??? Listen to her. Be her cheerleader. and do not pressure her into a commitment that she is not ready for. Just be her friend. Try to be impartial. As if there is NOTHING in it for you. Thats the rub darlin..... when you do give advice.. she may not "TRUST" as there IS something in it for you. A friend would encourage her to take on other activities to distract herself.... ie.. reading books, buy her a blank journal to write her thoughts in.. a place she can vent. Maybe, even do the research for her on good divorce books, relationship books, self help books... read them yourself... you never know.. you just might learn something in them.

 

And as a friend.. you'd be patient. Don't push her into commitments. Trust is a big big big thing that is vulnerable after a divorce. I know your girl was looking at rings and such... but maybe she was testing you.

 

Maybe she remembers that the last time she felt like a princess or good or in control of her world.. was planning her wedding and as a bride.

 

The rings... aye.. they are a symbol. Taking off the rings are a big big deal. I think I would hurl right now going into a jewelers to look at rings... lol.. but thats me. When you take the rings off.. they are like your best friend. And you miss them. To tell you the truth.. this past weekend.. I opened my jewel box for the first time in a year and 1/2. I took my rings out. Put them on my finger. And.. I thought... "hello old friends" for they are truly beautiful. I left them on for an hour.. and they didn't feel right. They didn't fit my finger anymore... I'd dropped too much weight. But they just didn't feel anymore. ohhhh well. Time to move on. Your girl may miss that feeling of belonging. And as much as she wants to belong... its a frightening thing for her right now.

 

The best thing you can do for her. Is be her friend. Maybe you can find a time to talk to her and go for coffee. Tell her that you'd like to see her, do things with her... but you understand a "love" relationship may not be the thing for her. All you want to do is spend time and have fun. NO pressure. NO commitments. No.... strings. She may be more receptive to that right now. Give it a whirl.

 

I know you want to be the one to win her hand in the end. And PROXIMITY would do it for you. So, yes.. you're right in a sense. When she's looking for comfort/validation... she'll turn to those closet to her.

[kickedin]

thank you......i know she doesnt want to make another bad choice....and right now her confidence in her own deciisons is light.....i will wait until next wednesday...which is 2 weeks since we last spoke and i i will send her a thinking of you card.....just sign it to and from....so that she knows she can respond if she wants and it is nothing heavy so she knows i am not expecting a full blown relationship again...it would just be nice for her to email me and say "hey babe i love you and i just want to finalize this divorce but i hope you are there waiting for me in the end because you are the one i want" that would be suffice for me after what we shared.......

[Shadows Light]

How about..."Hey darlin, My divorce is taking its toll on me mentally and phsyically. Taking a toll on my interpersonal relationships. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed be... and its a tough learning. I want you to know that I do care about you. I love spending time with you. I hope that I can count on your support, your friendship and your patience during my "crazy" time. No one knows where this ocean will lead us...but the fun is in the journey. How'd you like to do dinner and a movie next week?? "

 

Not the COMMITMENT that you'd expected... but its a good start.

 

I think ya'll jumped into the deep end of the pool without learning the lessons... and you've become overwhelmed. When we are overwhelmed... we RUN from the pain... lol.