Breakup because he does not want to have kid(s) and I do

[beckieh]

I have been in a loving and caring relationship for the past eight years. We have always known each others views about having children but I guess we always thought the other one would change their mind when the time came. I was 21 when we first started dating and he was 30. Obviously at 21, my mind was not on having children or getting married at that point. Our relationship just grew stronger as we both changed and grew as individuals and and as a couple. He is my bestfriend in the entire world as I am his. Now we're faced with a breakup because I would like to have atleast one child and he doesn't want to have any. I've tried to do some soul searching to see if I could be happy without having any children of my own. Although I know that having children is not the only happiness I want for myself nor do I think it will define me, I'm so afraid that having our relationship is the only way that I'm ever going to be happy. I'm so miserable without him, and I know he's feeling the exact same loss. He has also tried to reconsider his decision about not wanting kids but he always comes up with the same answer - he doesn't want to be a parent. I know that we would be happy being married with one child, something that is manageable with today's hectic life styles. I know that deep down in my soul - but he's too afraid to take the leap into parenthood. He wants to marry me but is afraid that I will resent him later in life for never having any kids (as am I). I truly believe that we were meant for each other but I know that bringing a child into this world is not a good idea unless both parties are willing. I don't know whether to say goodbye to the love of my life over this issue (because I realize it is a big one) or to close the door on motherhood and fulfill my motherly nurturing with my future nieces/nephews (I have four siblings). I'm almost 30 now, and I see a dark and bleek future without my one and only. So, I'm even father away from marriage and a family if we split up. I love him with every ounce of my being and I know he feels the same way. Any advice would be appreciated. We've both been dealing with this issue and communicating well with each other about it for the last year or so, so it hasn't been taken lightly. Maybe we can't have it all -I'm so confused but I know I've found the love of my life.

[kdreger]

Many relationships end because of one wanting children and the other not wanting children.

 

It sounds as if you're willing to give up your hope of children for him but he isn't willing to for you.

 

Let's look at it though. What does he have to do other than plant his seed? Does he have to carry the child? No. Does he have to give birth? No. Does he have to breast feed or change the baby? Not if you do it. So all he has to do is give up a bit of freedom to accommodate the child. It's more of a psychological burden for him then anything else.

 

You only live once. Don't give up the opportunity to have a child out of fear of losing your boyfriend. If he feels that his freedom is more important than you and your happiness... you have to think about that.

[secret_agent_man]

That is hard, because it seems like everything else is so good for you. It's sad to see something like this. I'm glad you have re-discussed this with him, but I think that's all you can do. You don't want to force him to, and you feel a child would complete you. It's a fair argument for both sides. Just remember, whatever choice you make, some things happen for a reason. Maybe you really wouldn't like a child later, and he was the best influence for you. Or maybe you would, and you'll end up finding someone else even better to share that with. I don't want to tell you that he might change his mind, because he sounds pretty sure of it for now. He is old enough and mature enough at this point to know if he really wants a child, so he may never change his mind.

 

Think about it a lot before you do anything, it's a very important decision. He sounds like he would be willing to discuss this more, so just keep talking. Maybe you can find some deep reason that he feels that way, and maybe you could work on it... Or maybe you have something underlying that makes you think you want a child when you really don't. I find that one hard to believe, seeing that it's obviously very common and natural for a woman to want to be a mother.

 

I guess I just talked in a circle again, sorry. Anyone wanna help me here???

 

 

S.A.M.

[Genesis]

I know how you feel as a woman, Children are very important. You are not getting any younger.

 

1. If you stay with him you may not have kids, and be too old to have them by the time you breakup for the 2nd time in the future.

 

I would risk leaving the relationship. If he means that much to you then you will just have to deal with not having kids. I would leave him and date others, you may regreat it in the future if you at least did not give it a try.

Women who have children after 40 have a higher risk for having children with defects, it is also harder to get pregnant the older we get.

 

If he really loves you he will miss you and may reconsider. When my ex left me three months later he missed me so much that he is trying to do anything to get me back. Maybe your boyfriend should see what life with out you is like. If he does not come back then good, that will give you time to find a man who wants a family. If he comes back to you he will know that he must make a full committment. Good Luck, it really is Him vs. Baby. Why did you date someone for 8 years if you both did not want the same thing?