girlfriend says she isn't in love with me, but has no reason

[fenstrt]

I need help,

 

I was together with my ex for pretty close to two years. she's pretty young, only 17 now, and I'm 19. I was her first everythign basically, she'd never even had a boyfriend before me. we were together for the two years, and around 6 months ago, she came to me and said she needed some time, and I told her that was fine, and the next day we decided that we could be together, and we'd try to talk more, which didn't happen, because we both seemed happy, then four months later she comes to me and says, I'm not in love with you anymore, and I don't want to be with you. When I asked why all this came about, she said, I don't know, I don't really have a reason. I sort of figured, maybe she just needs time, maybe we're both too young for sucha commited relationship. she told me she still wanted to be friends, and I figured that if all I could really have from her was friendship, I'd take it. So for three weeks we were good friends, only, half the time she seemed like she still wanted to be with me. she would hold my hand, then when she realized it, she'd rip it away. she'd do habitual relationship things. then a week ago, she came to me, and said, we can't be close, we're too comfortable, we're too affectionate. we need to spend time apart. and I just can't do that, I can't not be close to her, so I told her, we can't be just friends, I can't do that, I need you close or not at all, and for 8 days we haven't really talked. I'm 95% sure no one else is in the picture, so why would she just stop loving me? when I think about her, I see my future, and I want her back so much, I've been in three serious relationships, and she's the only one I've truly loved without a doubt. I want her back so badly, and I know there's nothing I can do. what do you guys think?

[kdreger]

I think at that age she's feeling confined by the relationship.

 

All you can do is let her go and hope she comes back. She may need to date a couple other men to decide that you're the one. That's the problem when you've had limited or no other relationships. You're wondering if this is it? You can't do anything. All you can do is get on with your life and wait to see what she decides.

 

As well, breaking off all contact is good if you can't stand to be around her and just be friends but don't do it to punish her. If there's a future for the two of you someday, you'll never have a chance to take part if you cut all ties.

 

True love is wanting her to be happy wherever she is no matter how hard it is on you. I'm where you are but it's 2 months later and she's dating. I didn't want it, it killed me at times and I hate not being with her but, honestly, its the woman's choice. You just have to decide if you still want to be a part of her life after it's over.

[fenstrt]

I'm not cutting off any ties, she's doing that, she keeps pushing me away even after I agreed to leave her alone.

[secret_agent_man]

Hey, I'm in the same boat as well. People have responded to my similar situation in my thread:

 

link removed

 

It's really tough, I know. Just keep on keepin' on.

 

Hope my problems can help someone else, too...

 

S.A.M

[fenstrt]

I appreciate all the help you guys, I'd appreciate it more if I could get the opinion of someone who's seen the other side. the hardest part of this for me has been not talking to her, she was my best friend for 2 years, and now I'm kinda left out to dry. I want the opinion of someone who's been where she has, and I don't know if there's many like that. thanks in advance.

[fenstrt]

ok so I talked to her today. kind of a funny story actually, when we were together I bought her a hamster, we named him simon, the opnly problem was that her dad wouldn't let her have him in his house. so I told her, I'll keep him for you. I called today to ask her mother if it was ok if I dropped simon off, because I thougth maybe my ex would like to keep him. so my ex's mom says, you should ask her, and I say to her, no, I'm not talking to her, and she says, why not, and I tell her, because she doesn't want to talk to me, and her mom gives her the phone! I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die because that was teh last thing I really wanted to happen, since I'm honestly trying to give her the time I think she needs to come around. so we talk, and it was hard, and she tells me she doesn't want to take simon, so I ask why, and she comes right back with, why do you want me to, and I tell her the truth, I tell her, I thought maybe he would hold some sentimentality, and she says, I'll think about it and call you later. so, basically that's what happened. but it's still hard for me to let go of her. I mean, I personally feel like you can only have true love with one person in your life, because once you give that love, that's spots taken, you can't get it back to give again, and I gave her that part of me, so letting go of her is like knowing I'm going to go through life everyday without that part of me. I'm not really sure what to do, everyone, including her mother has told me, she needs time. but she's so apathetic to everything, that I don't knwo if anyone but her really knows what's going on, and I can't read her mind, we were close, but I never smothered her enough to know everything. I mostly want to know what my next step is, do I keep waiting, or is it all a lost cause?

[secret_agent_man]

Hey man, like I said, I'm in the same situation... I can tell you wanted to give her 'simon' partially because you know she'd go "awwww, oh my god, how sweet".

 

I know this because I'm trying to do (or trying not to do) the same things, bring up the past a little, and remind her of the stuff she thought was so cute before... It's really hard to stop those urges! I REALLY CAN RELATE!!!!!!!!!

 

 

S.A.M.

[fenstrt]

yeah, I want her to remember the past, the only thing that I'm doing it seems like is annoying her though, and like I said, I tried to not talk to her, and talk to her mom, because me and her mother have a relationship like I would with my own mother. I just wanted to ask her mother if it was ok, and I ended up talking to her instead, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen. it wasn't too bad, but it seemed like it was detrimental to the situation. I don't know what she wants, half the time it seems like she wants to look around, see if she can find someone better, and not to sound like an egotistical person, I don't think she will, I treated her better than anyone else I've ever been with, she was the one I cared for, and if she's happier without me, I'm ok with that, I'm glad she's happy, but if she finds another guy and gets hurt it will upset me. I'm afraid of her finding someone and getting hurt, because I can't stop it. I can't really tell anyone more than I know. all I know is that she said, "I'm not in love with you, and I don't know why. " what does that mean?

[secret_agent_man]

It's almost impossible to tell. She might not have any better idea than you do...

 

As people suggested to me, you can try to "win" her back with nice gestures, but you and I know that if she came back because she felt sorry for you being so in love, it would end up back where it is right now in a matter of months, if not weeks. I know as well as you do, her being happy is what we want, but it's a hard pill to swallow, if that means it's not with you. From the sounds of it, you think she should still feel strongly about the relationship, so I think you need to let her decide whether she wants that or not. She already knows you, and I'm sure she still cares for you, but you don't need to prove anything else. If she wants what she already had, she'll figure it out on her own.

 

That's what I'm doing right now, so it's the best advice I can give you...

 

S.A.M.

[fenstrt]

I know most of what I'm asking, I know in my head, my heart's the problem. I'm giving her time, I'm letting her see what's out there. I'm waiting patiently, because she's worth it.

Mostly I feel like maybe she just needs time, because maybe she's just not feeling the same kind of love. I mean, before the thing where we stopped talking, she was still comfortable, still my best friend, and to me that's how I feel love. maybe she's just going through something where she needs to figure out what love is to her. I personally don't think you can be as in love as we were, and have it stop without a reason, I think taht it may change, it may become more comfortable, the lust may die down, and all that. but I just don't think it can go away. Maybe she's right, or maybe she's a 17 year old girl, confused, and maybe she will come back, all I can really do is stop wallowing and making myself seem miserable, all I can do is focus on myself, not on her, because that's what she's doing, she doesn't need me to help with it. I need me to help with me. maybe if I'm myself, the one she loves, not the selfpitying miserable one I am now, she'll remember. then maybe she'll come back, or at least, I'll have a better chance than I do now.

[fenstrt]

all hope is officially gone. I did exactly what I said I wouldn't. I talked to her. I made myself an ass, I spilled my heart to her, and I probably just pushed her away more. she kept saying, I don't want you back, I wasn't happy, it wasn't really you, it was just that I wasn't happy, I felt like I was lying to you about being in love with you. she kept saying, you shouldn't wait for me, it's just wasting your time, I won't want to get together with you. she told me she doesn't want to be my best friend. she's been my best friend for, 3 years. so I've not only lost a girl but a friend too. this sucks. let me knwo what you guys think

 

I never tried to tell her that I wanted her back, I just told her that I wanted to start over. maybe we could be happy. all this really started about the time my parents split up. I don't know you guys, I'm so clueless. someone help, I feel hopeless, and that was something I never wanted to feel about the two of us!

[fenstrt]

Hey man, like I said, I'm in the same situation... I can tell you wanted to give her 'simon' partially because you know she'd go "awwww, oh my god, how sweet".

 

actually, I had bought simon as a gift for her while we were still together, I had no intentions of using him to "win her over", because I feel it's impossible to win a girl over.

[fenstrt]

ok, so we had a pretty interesting conversation about me and her, and she made it brutally clear that she doesn't even want to be close to me. she kept telling me that she had to get over me, and that she still cares, and all that, and then she said, I don't believe in love other than love for your family. and I couldn't help but think, well then you never loved me, and you just thought you did. I didn't say that. but the logic of it is, how can you stop being in love, if you dont' believe in love.

lately she's been spending a lot of time with her friend greg. they've been good friends for like 5 years, and greg is gay, but I still kinda get sad, because she talks to him for like, the amount of time she used to talk to me. and I feel liek I'm being replaced. it's really depressing. I don't understand what's been going on.

anyway, during this long conversation, in which I sounded especially pathetic, against my better judgement, I told her about a time about a year into our relationship when I thougth I was interested in another girl, and I was really confused about everything. and she got pissed, jealous or sad, I can't really figure out which since it was an online conversation.

so the next day she talks to me, and we chat, just like friends, and we've had a few conversations, and we've been about where we were befoer teh no talking was imposed. the only difference is, everytime I make an effort to spend time with her, she always says no. and usually it's because she's doing something with greg. I mean, I know I shouldn't be jealous, and she's told me there's nothign romantic between them, and I am 99% sure she was honest, so, I mean, it's just so hard to talk to her, like we've always talked, and not be able to say I love you, or when I flirt get a cold shoulder. I don't know what to do.

[zwarren]

I just had to post to this message. She is doin the exact same thing my ex is doing. Everything exactly the same. And our relationship was very similar. I would give her a little space (it took me 3 weeks to figure this out). Honestly I dont know what you can do to change her mind. She just has to figure out on her own.

[fenstrt]

so you're in the same boat as me? cause it'sa been about two weeks for me. I've been giving space, I've even tried to do the "hard to get" idea, but I can't make myself feel fake or like, I'm forcing her.