help!

[jmantra]

My ex and I broke up over 2 1/2 years ago and I am still not over The reason being is she still involved in my life but not voluntarily. I currently live at home with my parents, and she was initially best friends with my sister. I have to see her all the time so I figured why not be friends with her? (even though that might not be the healthiest thing).

 

To make a long story short her and I are not on speaking terms now because our friendship was quite rocky to say the least. I wanna talk to her so bad but right now she hates my guts.

 

Over the past 2 1/2 years I've tried dating other women and everytime I start to get involved with someone my feelings for her get in the way.

 

Right now I feel like I've just gone through a divorce and their's kids involved. Just like in a divorce I still have to see her because of my sister. Please I really need some help on this. I wanna stop fixating on her. I think about her all the time, and it literallly drives me nuts. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop being so stuck on her so I can move on. Obvviosily I can't do NC cause I see her all the time. Just seeing her makes the feelings come rushing back. I wanna move on so I can start seeing other people. She's not the most mentally sound person and I know logically that can't be a good for a relationship, but my emotions override and I can't let go.

 

We also had a pretty bad falling out that ended our friendship, I did some pretty regrettable things because I couldn't control my emotions. I don't think we could ever have any kind of friendship any time soon, but I don;t want her to have animosity torwards me. Even though some of the things I did were vindicative, I did cause I was hurt. I felt/feel like an animal thats been cornered.

 

Can someone please help me out.

[lila666]

It sounds to me like you need to make an effort to have no contact. Maybe talk to your sister and ask her to go out more often instead of having this girl over, and when you know she's going to be at your house, go out so you dont have to see her. I think seeing her so often is a cause for all the emotions youre having, and its keeping you from moving on. If you say she's not mentally sound, then you know that a relationship with her would probably do more harm than good for the both of you. Take time to focus on yourself, and controlling your emotions-using your intelligence and common sense to keep you away from doing anything regretable. It will be hard, but you'll get so much more out of it.

[jmantra]

It sounds to me like you need to make an effort to have no contact. Maybe talk to your sister and ask her to go out more often instead of having this girl over, and when you know she's going to be at your house, go out so you dont have to see her. I think seeing her so often is a cause for all the emotions youre having, and its keeping you from moving on. If you say she's not mentally sound, then you know that a relationship with her would probably do more harm than good for the both of you. Take time to focus on yourself, and controlling your emotions-using your intelligence and common sense to keep you away from doing anything regretable. It will be hard, but you'll get so much more out of it.

 

See your reply makes sense, but here's the problem.I already suggested that that they go hang out at their house, but they she doesn't want to hang out at her house cause it's "boring." Both her and my sister call me selfish cause I can't get over her and I tell them they should hang out elsewhere. Worst of all my mom agrees with them, I feel like im being purposely tortured here.My sister can't really go over her house by herself cause she can't drive.It's so funny when she calls me selfish it's almost like shes using projection on me. SHE'S the one thats selfish.And yet she won't admit it cause she's always right. You say I should leave the house. That sounds good their's just one problem: IT'S MY HOUSE why should I have to leave MY HOUSE so she can come over even though she knows it hurts me. GRRRR!!!!

 

The situation is such a mess. Luckily my sister is going to be going away to school sometime soon, so things should improve then. But NC is so hard. I wanna talk to her so bad, but I know it won't help. I feel like Im recovering from an addiction or something. lol

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

This might be way out there, but why don't you move out? I'm one to talk, I didn't move out of my parent's place until I was 23 but I have to say it was easily the best thing I ever did for myself. In your case it would be doubly so as it would keep you away from your ex and give you the space you need to heal. If what you're saying is correct, I don't really see, myself anyway, any other way of getting out of your situation.

[lila666]

I understand how you feel about NC. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and its the HARDEST thing to do and I've already slipped twice, and definitely had those moments where I would give anything just to talk to him, or give him a hug or ANYTHING. It is weird how you feel like youre trying to kick some addiction, lol. But having no contact feel MUCH better, I promise you.

I understand how you feel, it is your house so you shouldnt have to leave whenever she's coming over, but it doesnt really sound like there are too many other options...I think it sucks that her and your sister, even your mother are against you on this. I understand how seeing her all the time would keep the pain fresh for you. Also, having no contact, and purposely not being home whenever she is over will give her the idea that you really have moved on, and are out doing bigger and better things with your time.

[jmantra]

Moving out right now is easier said then done. Im in school right now and getting a full time job to support myself is not an option.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Moving out right now is easier said then done. Im in school right now and getting a full time job to support myself is not an option.

 

I know where you're coming from. I moved out to be in school. With rent, tution, books,... and beer, I'm still paying off my college days.

 

If moving out isn't an option then the only thing I can think of is to make plans to be elsewhere when your ex is in your house. It's not fair to you to be sure, but sometimes that's life.

[Hope75]

Well, you can get mad, but it's not just YOUR house, it's your parent's house and your sister's house and this is her friend.

 

You are 23, if you are in school and can't afford to move out and make your own private space, than maybe when the ex comes over, you will just have to suck it up and go hide in your room or head to the library to do homework.

 

I'll bet your grades would be perfect!

[jmantra]

Well, you can get mad, but it's not just YOUR house, it's your parent's house and your sister's house and this is her friend.

 

You are 23, if you are in school and can't afford to move out and make your own private space, than maybe when the ex comes over, you will just have to suck it up and go hide in your room or head to the library to do homework.

 

I'll bet your grades would be perfect!

 

 

I thought this was supposed to be a support forum.

 

 

I find your tone very condescending. It's like everybody is allowing my ex to have her * * * *ing cake and eat it too! Shes the one that hurt me why should I have to be the one making all the * * * *ing sacrifices???

 

Im sorry but your post made me angry, and if you didn't mean to come off condescending I apologize, but I don't appreciate being talked down to like Im some kind of immature idiot.

[Hope75]

I apologize if my post upset you. I certainly didn't mean to sound condescending.

 

I think I have a valid point though, it is not just your house. if you had a best friend your sister didn't like, would and should you be expected not to allow that friend into your house?

 

Try to see if from the other side.

 

I was merely offering a suggestion to cope with the fact that you can't control your ex's presense in your house.

 

I live with my boyfriend, and if he had a friend I didn't particularly like, I'd make myself scarce when that friend was over at our house. Is it inconvenient? Yes. It is a pain in the butt? Yep. BUT... it's my boyfriend's house too, and he has just as much a right to have friends over as I do, and so in the spirit of sharing a house, I'd have to deal with it.

 

Wouldn't you agree?

[jmantra]

Ya I guess you're right the fact that I can't get over my ex is really my problem.

 

sorry I got angry.

[Hope75]

Hey don't worry about it.

 

It's a difficult problem to deal with. I was just trying to offer you constructive suggestions to help you handle it. I'd say hiding in your room or taking off to the library or a friend's house would help- so you wouldn't have to see her.