Miserable

[lila666]

My boyfriend and I had been dating for a year, and we both decided to "take a break" a day ago.

When I first started dating him, I was immediately comfortable with him, and I had never been with someone who treated me so well.

We both fell in love pretty quickly, I think. It was the first love for both of us (I'm 20, he's 22), we had plans to move in together in six months, and would talk about being together for years to come, etc.

But in the past two or three weeks, things weren't the same with us. He got a new job, moved out and he found the new responsibilities to be very cumbersome and stressful, which distracted him most of the time and when we were spending time together, I found myself getting increasingly frustrated. I was getting cold feet about making the committment to move in with him and more and more I was feeling like I wasnt being appreciated by him anymore. It was weird because we would still have tons of fun together, but you could feel the distance between us. . .

So we sat down and talked about it finally last night. We broke up, then he suggested we take a break instead. We both said we loved each other many times, and we both cried. Saying goodbye to him last night was so painful, and it took us about an hour to finally leave each other, with more crying and I love-you's. We both said we didnt WANT to take this break, but we feel we really need to. He told me later that night on the phone that he a)Doesnt feel like it will be long break, and b)He feels that the break will be great for us, and he has confidence we'll get back together.

He's the greatest man I've ever known, I've never felt this kind of affection or love for anyone else I've met in my life, but I cant help but feeling like if we were having problems and growing apart it'll stay that same way if we get back together...

I think we spent too much time together, and a break would be best, I KNOW this. But I'm feeling so much pain right now and all I want to do is talk to him, and tell him how much I love and miss him. I havent talked to him since last night, and my plans were to have no contact for a few days or a week, and then Limited contact.

How much time do we need away from each other, and WILL things get better? what are the chances of getting back together, should I avoid contact?

I dont know what to do, I'm a mess and I cant go long without crying, so I need some advice, or kind words.

[lighthouse]

I know how you feel. I think taking a 'break' could be the hardest thing in the world... but my boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We were dating for around 4... and one night we got into a huge fight (our only fight) over something COMPLETELY stupid. He freaked out and told me he wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, and decided to 'take a break'. For whatever reason, we hung out anyway that night. We went to the county fair, and like you said... you could feel the distance. We ended up going back to the car and talking. He told me he still had feelings for me, but he wasnt sure how long the break was going to be... 2 weeks, 2 months, 10 years... he had no clue. We went back to his house and we ended up falling asleep together. On my way home late that night, I got a text message from him saying, "I dont know how you feel now, but I know that I dont want to break up with you and lose you... Im sorry for how I acted." Ever since then, things have been incredible. We are very happy together. So in conclusion, a break isnt necessarily the end of the world. You could come back more in love and closer than ever before

[karen95]

I hope that you are doing ok. I think that you should go with the plan of NC for a few days. and in this time why not look back on the relationship and try you best to understand where all the problems rose, and what would be the best way to sort them out. This is probably going to be a hard few days, and the best thing you can do is try to keep busy, work on yourself, and look back on the relationship that you have had so far, and try to see how you can fix the crack. Good Luck!!

[lila666]

thank you very much. I have spoken to him since using IM (each time was initiated by him) but I've decided that a few days of no contact would be the best route to go. Its too hard to talk to him right now, really, and I dont feel like we're really getting the space we need from each other, if we're still talking every day like we have. The conversation is also almost overly polite, and a bit awkward, which doesnt make me feel better. is that normal?

He says he thinks its good because "it makes him think outside of the box, and it makes us change our relationship as people." it also "gives him something to think about" I was too afraid to ask if that was a good or bad thing, and I'm lost as to what he was trying to convey with that...

he said he missed me, and that he was having a hard time.

I am too, I spent almost the entire day yesterday crying on and off, but I feel a little bit better today. Anyways, will having NC be a better thing to go? is awkward conversation normal? I've always been totally comfortable with him, so this is strange for me...

[stolenshadow]

Helo Lila666, I would say it's very normal you feel akward when you know you have to talk to a person in a way you wouldn't normaly.

I would suggest NC, but tell your boyfriend about it.

[lila666]

This is the first day of NC for me, he's online right now and its really hard for me to NOT talk to him. I know its for the best, I know absense makes the heart grow fonder, but I am SO impatient to either get closure on this relationship and know that its over and deal with it, or to sort things out and be back together. A decision either way. I am so broken hearted and distressed. I've been trying to keep myself busy but anything I do doesnt lift my spirits, and I'm still thinking about him ALL the time. My biggest fears are that if and when we get back together, the problems we have will still be there, or that he'll just decide that he doesnt want me back...

I guess this is understandable, and if that happens, there wont be too much I'll be able to do about it...I just dont think the timing is right for us right now, unfortunately. Or maybe we're both just growing and changing and finding it harder and harder to include each other in that...I dont want to grow apart from him, but I dont know how to stop it. I feel melodramatic saying this, but I really feel like he's the love of my life, and "the one" for me...

I guess I'm just venting, but thanks for the comments. any advice, similar stories, etc are ALWAYS helpful, and spending time on this site makes me feel a lot better.

[friscodj]

lila-

 

It sounds like you guys have a good relationship, but that the recent events of him starting a new job have put a strain on the relationship. This is life, these things happen, and just because it happened doesn't mean you should break up...

 

I think time away will be the best course of action? Why? It will give him time to focus on settling into his new job (i.e., the source of the problem) and give you time to reflect on the relationship, what you have in the relationship, what kind of a guy he is, and how you can support him through this time of trial for him. It will also let you guys miss each other and appreciate being together more.

 

Now I don't believe that just taking time off will fix the problem and ultimately bring you two closer together. When you talk next, I think you guys need to talk about how you can help each other out, ask him something like, "What can I do for you? I want to be there for you and I want this to work out." Look at it as a team approach. It sounds like you may need to give a little more to the relationship at this point due to his struggles.

 

If you feel like he is definitely "the one", by all means sister, you better lay it on the line to make this work...

 

I have faith it will work out for you.

[lila666]

well thank you very much. it IS and WAS a great relationship, I just think we are drifting apart and both at a loss as to how to reconnect. I'm just feeling very frustrated, and I'm very scared that he's going to come back and tell me that he doesnt think it's a good idea that we get back together. That means that I'd have to go though all of this all over again, which I'm not sure I could do. I am trying my hardest to be optimistic, but I'm the type of person who always assumes the worst is going to happen, I suppose. I wish that whatever happens between us would happen NOW so I dont have to sit here wondering and being impatient

such is life, I suppose. Tomorrow starts day two of NC, how long should I go for?

[friscodj]

lila-

 

Well, it's good you guys see the drift happening before it's too late. I really think from what you said this problem is tied to his new job, in which case, you need to leave it up to him to figure it out. You can express your feelings of fear that this will end, there's no shame in that.

 

You said you were the type to always worry. That's good insight and knowing that will help you handle the situation better. Realize you are worrying and just try to believe it will all come together.

 

If it's really bothering you, send him a quick note, email, etc. telling him that you respect his desire for space, are thinking about him, miss him very much, and let him know that you are worrying about losing him and that he should get a hold of you as soon as he can.

[lila666]

I feel like it's too soon, and maybe even needy of me to send an email so quickly? This is only our third day of not being together, and our first day of not talking, so. I know that our drifting apart does have to do with his job, but also me growing a little bored, our relationship growing a tad stale, his moving out, finding independance, etc. He also just joined a band with his new roommate, so it was taking up even more of his time. He felt like every waking moment he had, there was something he had to do, and he values his alone time very much. While I try hard to respect those feelings, I dont quite fully understand what he's going through, because I am in a completely different situation (still living at home, virtually no responsibilities etc) Even though he told me many times that he loved me, and loved me with all his heart, I think I'm afraid that we were falling out of love, or he was with me. I find it easier to distract myself during the day, but I suffer from insomnia, so these late nights are the hardest for me, when I'm wondering if he's home or not, and who he's with, etc. (he works until midnight, so its not unusual for him to go out after work) while I'm trying my hardest to sleep and distract myself, but my mind wanders too much and keeps me from doing so. *le sigh* I find its getting easier for me, with only a few laspes of despair, and late nights bothering me, and I'm wondering how easy this is for him, and I know its mean, but I hope he's miserable too

I have no insecurities about the love between us, just the chances of our being able to reconnect and get back what we used to have.