After huge lead on.....it's over for good!

[rndy]

well Ive posted here before but heres the skinny of the situation:

 

Me and my wife were together for 10 years (married for 2) and separated almost 2 years ago due to a one night stand that i had. Now our mariage at that time had gotten to the point that we never talked that much, i was very involved in school she would say mean retalitory things to me and i began drinking too much. I ended up sleeping with a girl that at the time gave me alot more respect than my wife which i hear is an all to common theme. She found out probably due to the guilt i was feeling and I told her everything. We separated and I moved out. I tried to get her back for about 5 months and it worked for about 5 days. We were making plans for the future, I spent alot of time on myself (about 5 months of therapy, quit drinking and really inested the time to figure out what the prolems were in our mariage) and then after the 5 day reconcilliation, after a conversation with her friend said i dont want to continue this anymore.

I left and never spoke to her other than when I foud out that he was online dating ( which I think is creepy, weird) and we never spoke again. She drug me into court trying to put a peace bond on me because me and my sister were shopping at a mall where she and her friend were. The judge threw it out of court obviously and it cost me 700.00 to do so.

I never seen or spoke to her in about 11 months after that. So I move 150 kms away get a killer job with a killer salary and want to get the divorce done and move on. I send an email asking for her new address ( which i have tried to do many times with no response from her) and the same nothing.

I spoke to my lawyer one morning before work about a month after my last attempt and out of the blue there was an email from her with her address saying she wasnt trying to hold up the divorce but that she didnt know how to get a hold of me. I left her my email address and phone numbers with every attempt.

This was in October, I replied back saying thanks I just wanted to get rid of it hanging over our heads. Then we started emailing more, then talking on messenger, then the phone. She began saying she was sorry for many things as did I and she could see (so i thought) that I really changed my life around and that I made a mistake one night in our mariage. She started coming up to the city i live in to visit me and we slept together every time. She told me how much she loved me and started making plans for the future where we would live, kids the whole 9 yards. I told her when we first started talking again not to lead me on or do this unless she was 100% sure because it would cause a relapse. She said she was sure. We spent he holidays together and right after the new year she sends me an e mail and says I dont wanna do this any more. I called her and asked why she couldnt tell me over the phone at least and she changes her mind and says she does want to do this. I tell her I would like to see a mariage counciller and she agreed that it was a good idea. I called the next morning to make sure and she said "yes make the appointment". I do, the next day she calls me at 1 am and says i dont wanna do this no more and dont want any more contact unless its regarding the divorce.???? And she wanted to get it done ASAP. I mean i tried to get divorced against my wishes, for almost a year and now just because she wanted to satisfy her curiosity, she's done and demands I get on the divorce ASAP?

Anyway im wrecked once again. I asked her not to lead me on...and she did. I would not have had the conversations with her that i did, seen her , or slept with her again if i knew she was gonna flake. I havent spoke since to her about 1 week.

I know she is unhappy with her life, work, her parents live with her and do not care for me that much obviously, and she is very easily led by her father and friends. Why would someone say I love you so much slep with me and then the next day say never contact me again? Whats that all about!

I have no family in this city and not many friends so im looking for some answers to help me deal with this mess all over again. Sorry this is so long but i wanted to ba as thorough as i could. Any advice, what she,s thinking why she would do this would be sooo appriciated. Thanks a million.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Randy...sorry to hear this. Your ex does sound very confused. If I were in your position..I would be pissed. You trusted she was not going to lead you on, or "flake' out...and alas, she does. Some people are just control freaks. Maybe she wanted to end it on HER terms. I can't say if that's it for sure, but all this Yo Yo'ing is NOT healthy...especially for you. I can sit here and type"get over it" "move on" "you'll find someone else".....but I won't I HATE when people say those things....and I KNOW they do it with good intentions. I just want someone to feel MY pain and to AGREE with it. To be as pissed at them as I am..LOL. Is that so wrong?? So Randy.....just so you know...I'm pissed at your ex for doing this to you. You didn't deserve this, and she does NOT deserve you.

 

Again, sorry this has happened..just know we're here for you...

[rndy]

Yeah, i'm sick of hearing the old, "there's somebody else out there for you", "get over it " as well. See the thing is, I was over it. For the most part accepted it and was finally after a lot of work on my self to move on.

 

I'm sick of these people who say to other posters on this board "people dont change". Wanna bet? I'm living proof!! It's very hard I agree and you have to believe you need to change yourself not to impress anyone, that is just a byproduct from changing into something better. Plain and simple, I felt i had hit rock bottom and if I didn't change I was in for a misserable life. Period.

 

Now regarding her. She has not done one thing to deal what has happened to us in almost two years. She did this "I wanna get back together, I dont wanna get back together" thing 3 times to me. Whats weird is that it is the same scenario of events every time. Well start talking......than we start talking about the future, kids, sleeping together.....we go shopping.....buy * * * *.....then she drinks tea with her friends ond day and BOOM out of the blue.....bye bye...dont contact me ever again. The kicker is that she lives in a tiny small east coast Canadian town, I live in a big city now. I am very good looking and thin, she is 190lbs (gained a lot of weight, not that i care im just stating the differences, in fact i still and always have found her very sexy and ive always told her this from day 1) She constantly was telling me how unhappy she was with her life and I asked her to make sure when she ended this that it was me that was making her unhappy not her own life. I mean I live 150 kms away. I dont think I was interfering in her personal space. Anytime something betwwen us happens she simply lets her friends pick up the pieces for her.

Don't get me wrong I wont go back but I want answers for closure. And I dont think I'll be getting them from her ever. Any help is appriciated. Sorry for the ramble!

[Lady Bugg]

Randy...I commend you on the positive changes...and you're right, it IS hard to change!! The majority of people DON'T change however...hence the comments from the posters, I assume.

 

It really sounds like you are on the right track emotionally and mentally. This really is just a setback.....I think the fact you WERE able to move on before is a testament to that...the key is to get back into THAT mindset, and STICK TO IT.

 

Your ex may have been influenced by her friends, but that is no excuse. She is a grown up..able to think for herself. If she IS in fact making this decision due to others opinions, then that's weak and doesn't say much for her character.What happens when soemthing REALLY major happens? Is she going to continue doing this?

 

The truth is....NOTHING is probably going to make your ex happy. Even if she hit the lottery today, she would find a way to be miserable. This is NOT your issue...it's hers. I think a big problem with a LOT of breakups...is that there are always control issues. Well we cannot control ANYthing but us....and our reactions to others. That is IT. If more people would accept that trying to control another person is useless and pointless, they might realize that is probably at least 50% of their frustration.

 

Vent if you need to...it will help a lot.

Oh and work out!!! It helps immensley!

[rndy]

Thanks Lady Bugg,

Yeah thats what Ive told her about her friends and family's influence. It is her decision in the end and she is weak! True love is black and white!

Im just pissed that she used me because she needed to justify her curiosity after 11 months af absolutely no contact. Now after I got a taste of her again the thoughts of her with someone else are starting to bother me again. Understand that I know its a setback, just one I didnt deserve after almost 2 years and trying to keep and work out our mariage. I believe she will carry this baggage around with her forever at the same time its really not for me to worry about anymore. I consider myself a very level headed guy lately I just wish logic would overcome heartache. I dont hate her by any means. Its not worth it, but I am very sad. I know it is done for good. There are no third chances and I couldn't trust her as far as I could trow her, which is ironic considering our past and almost feel guilty for making that statement. I don't think about other women and wont for a while even though im very lonely.....but it feels good and normal that I dont want another person in my life right now. I guess this is onee of those properly processed feeling things. I appriciate the comments from every angle. Anyone have simmilar situations? Let me know. I think I have experienced every topic on this board!

[luciddreamer]

Well we cannot control ANYthing but us....and our reactions to others. That is IT. If more people would accept that trying to control another person is useless and pointless, they might realize that is probably at least 50% of their frustration.

 

i agree with lady bugg.. this is the essense of mindfulness, that we can't control others, only our mental reactions which cause our suffering. my ex was similarly confused and it dragged out for almost a year; you can lead a horse to water but if they're not thirsty you're SOL and better off meditating.