So lost, need advice bad

[Big Jim]

Hi everyone

This is a long story so bear with me here please. I dated my x for a little over two years and had an amazing relationship. We are two in the same person in everyway. Back in May she started being down all the time and miserable, thinking herself fat all the time, to the point where a eating disorder was around the corner. but still completely into me. Over the summer it was alright, but she was not herself, i told her to go to the docter but she ignored it, to me she was clearly depressed, she only wanted to stay in and was unhappy with everything in her life. For example she quit her beloved job, because she would cry everyday as i drove her there, only to want it back desparately a month later. Finally things between us got rocky in September and we eventually broke up in November. She said she was incredibilly lost and not sure who she is anymore and does not feel good about herself or life in general. However this was not even a breakup, because she called me the next day and we had numerous classes together. We acted like a couple in every aspect except no sex, i know this isnt the best thing but i love her so much and really want to help her. We saw eachother constantly and she was not afraid to make plans with me regarding chirstmas break, told me she loved me all the time etc. Everytime i referred to us as friends she got incredibily mad and said we are so much more then that. She called me all the time and was absolutley no different to me in any way. Throughout this time i finally got it out of her why she would breakup with the person who is always there for her, and she said she was afraid. She told me she was afraid to need and depend and love someone so completely and she does not know why but this freaks her out. Prob stems from her mother (becuase of parents marriage, her mom is always pushing on being independent etc).

This went on for until the end of december. I could not take her moods anymore, her needing me and loving me 5 days, then treating me like * * * * for 2. She had been hangin out with this guy (had the entire relationship, a family friend of 10 years) more, but lied to me about it, saying i freak out, which is partly true, because he now has a thing for her. So on New Years i told her no more and it broke my heart, she was destroyed. She texted me all the next day and i responded to a couple. took about a week off, then saw her at school. She was so upset seeing me and wanted to see me again, etc. She wrote me an essay of an email trying to explain herslef, and how confused etc but she loves me with all her heart and was so sorry for how she was, but she said she had not felt herslef in months. So i have a soft spot and started hanging out with her again, she was happier then shed been in months. We even slept together one night (she started it all). Then she lied again and we are back at square one. I asked her why after three amazing weeks together, would she lie and hang out with him again (i know nothing has happened and they are just friends through her bro, whose a good friend of mine), and she told me she still freaks out and when we get close again she subconsciously tires to wreck it. My question is (after all that background info) do i continue to be her support, or go NC?? please help,

[DN]

Definitely go no contact. But before you do explain that you are an equal part of this relationship - or non-relationship and it is unfair of her to want all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility or commitment. Tell her that if she is willing to have a proper relationship, even if she needs counselling to be able to do that, then you are willing to be in her life but otherwise you need to move on and find someone who understands what a true partnership is about.

[texasman123]

sounds like she has some serious issues to deal with. It looks like the beginning stages of a mental disorder. Cannot be sure which one since I do not know the girl at all, but I would guess something like borderline personality disorder since she still seems able to function. In the long run it would probably be best to move on. In the short run I would say to go NC. because if you are constantly there for her she will continue to behave the same way. Let her hit rock bottom (i know its hard), and then she will need to go get help on her own. I would imagine after that though that she will come around to you and want to be with you again. that is usually how these things work in my experience.

[Big Jim]

Thanks for your adivce, its just all so confusing. For example last week i gave her the cold sholder and she was kinda pissed. On friday i said ill talk to you monday and she was taken back by that. However i got a call sat afternoon just to say hi, then again at 130 at night. When i talked to her at night she was my old girl, completely into me and happy again. Same on Sunday. Then monday she didnt show for class, and then called me. I asked her if she was sick and she said no, she just could not get herself to go to school. She was so down i was shocked. Eventually she came way later, and we hung out for a bit, and those few hours were the best ive had with her in a long time. I completely cheered her up and she was so into me. She was telling me how much she has missed me and implying us together again in the future. She did not want to go home at all. BUT next day was in a horrible mood at school and * * * * *y to me... so it continues like this. I know i do help her so i am relucant to cut her off, but she is hurting me so much, just do not know what to do.

[DN]

I know i do help her so i am relucant to cut her off, but she is hurting me so much,

Why stay around someone who hurts you? Time to get over her and find someone who does not hurt you like this. It seems to me that she only cares about herself - and you only care about her as well. Time to start caring for yourself as well as a partner,

[texasman123]

definitely going through some sort of mental health issue. the best way to help her is to let her go and get help herself. Trust me. It will be hard but it must reach a apex, and then she needs to get help.

[Big Jim]

Yes she is not well right now, depressed and such. Also has a vitamen B12 deficancy, which apparently effects mood and such. Anyone have any experince with this???

[Big Jim]

Also how do i let her go, she has class with me everyday?

[Big Jim]

Honestly i dont know what to think anymore. Today i drove her to her car and we got started talking. First she asked me to come to the bar with her tonight, but i said no. However she was in a bad mood already and was cranky as hell. I sorted said maybe we shouldnt talk anymore, cause all i seem to do is upset her, and she got mad telling me not to make her mind up for her. she told me it is not that she just does not want to see me, but she does not want to do anything. She stressed the whole reason about all this is cause she is so down right now and it has nothing to do with me personally.She is genreallyy unhappy with life, do i continue to be there or just walk away??

[DN]

Walk away. Be prepared for her to follow but don't expect it will get better.

[Big Jim]

What will walking away accomplish? will she not resent me because i was unalbe to see the rocky patch through with her?

[DN]

It may force her to seek proper help instead of using you as a psychological crutch that she can pick up and put down as she needs to and it will allow you to distance yourself from a situation that is unhealthy for you.

[Big Jim]

That does make sense, i really appreciate the input, thanks alot