On a Break...

[jd5007]

Posted this on the "Infidelity for Men" site but would love to get some feedback from women too...and yes, it DOES harken back to a FRIENDS episode, for those who recognize the phrase, "We were ON A BREAK!"

 

(Hope it's cool to repost it here -- moderators is there any rule? And no I won't post this same message anywhere else...)

 

So here goes....

 

Here's the quick and dirty. Had a great girlfriend, one year...light of my life though a tough relationship as she is divorced with two young children and I have never been married, no kids. Both early 40s, same age.

 

We had problems in April -- broke up "sort of" -- and I went out with another woman; dated her, kissed her, slept together (sort of) one very forgettable night.

 

Then my girlfriend and I worked things out and were back together. Things with the other woman ended right then. My girlfriend did not know about it, though, and a month passed before she found out, from me just before she was going to be told by others.

 

She dumped me like a bad habit. I'm crushed -- know who is to blame but that only makes the hurt worse as it adds shame, embarrassment, guilt and believe it or not CONFUSION -- WHY did I risk a great thing for this utterly forgettable episode?

 

So the questions: Anyone (male) here ever done this before, and did you get back together or not? What happened? Any females want to weigh in with their thoughts? She considers it "cheating" and I guess it may be seen as that because some of it was being set up -- have to admit -- while my girlfriend and I were in heavy discussions but not quite apart. ANY way my girlfriend can trust me again? And about me -- am I destined to repeat this kind of thing? Do you believe a person can do something so wrong, suffer so much from it that he can learn to NEVER, EVER do it again? I hope and pray that is so. Any thoughts appreciated.

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Sorry if i but i can't help u there. It's neva happened. But i'm assuming u's neva broke up and it would b wrong of u 2 forget all about her and sleep wif someone else so soon, even tho it was only a one night stand, it shouldn't have happened i don't think, how could u get ova her so soon?

[mk]

Join post here:

 

link removed

 

 

 

[Sholder]

I can relate to kdreger. I went on a 'break' with my now ex-girlfriend, and we stayed that way for about 4 months. We did the whole '3 days good, 3 days bad' sort of a thing. There was a lot of fighting, but we always sort of got back together. At the end of the 4 months, she told me that I had been the good guy, and she had been having sex with her best friend/ex-boyfriend quite frequently, but she made sure to say it was whenever we were on a bad time. It sure as hell felt like cheating to me. I was destroyed by this, told her that I wanted to be apart from her to see if she was really who I thought she was. I wanted to decide if I felt strong enough for her to ever get over what she had done. I wanted to see if she would do anything to show me she really cared. I wanted to believe she could change and be faithful to me. Of course, within 12 hours, she was already jumping into a serious relationship with a new guy. I was wrong about her, but I still believe that people have the power to change themselves and learn from past experiences. I think you can change, if you really and truly want to. And I hope that your girlfriend finds that she cares enough about you to accept a mistake. We're all human, right?

[jd5007]

Thanks. Back again, with an update. Ex and I are back on speaking terms, but she does not want to get back together. Clearly considers what I did "cheating" and I guess that's fair -- even if the one night happened while were "on a break" the setup to it took place while were discussing our future and it was NOT over at that point.

 

In the end, I lost out on a GREAT summer with the g/f, and on a chance to see if we could work through the underlying problems - we might have, since after all May was our best month together, before she found out about what I had done in late April. Point is a MAJOR lesson here is -- don't do it. If you are tempted by someone else you owe it to your partner to deal with her or him first. Even if you don't make it, give it some time. You never know what might happen in that scenario, but I can GUARANTEE what will happen if you jump right into it while the first relationship is on the rocks. #1 the person you "cheated with" won't work out. #2 your significant other WILL FIND OUT, and you will lose them too. Bad behavior has bad consequences. Shouldn't have taken me this long to figure that out, but it did. If ONE person reads this who is having doubts about a situation such as mine, and if after reading this they decide to do the right thing and go first to their significant other to talk about it, BEFORE wreaking emotional havoc on three people, that would be good.

 

In other words -- please don't be the jerk I was. It hurts everyone, more than you can know at the time. Hope this at least helps someone avoid that misery. Wish I had found this board/read something like this in April. JD.