Why does he keep clamming up?

[Indigo]

He was my best friend, now he's also my boyfriend. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much, or even to little sometimes, because this is my first real boyfriend (ie. we seem to connect on a very deep level, and all that wonderful stuff I could go on about). I am also his first girlfriend.

 

We both have been heavily playing an online rpg together for the last year. Online for the last month or so he wasn't talking much while we played, which I was concerned about for a while, but then didn't care because he was as normal as ever in real life, which is what counts.

 

Then today when he came online, I typed hello and he didn't reply. About fifteen minutes later I started typing him something only to receive an automated 'do not disturb' message. Another fifteen minutes later he typed to our entire fourm of online friends we play with, saying goodbye, and how he was quitting for good, and promptly went offline.

 

I cried for a good hour. It felt like a part of myself, and of him, had just died, because this 'game', this alternate universe, has been a big part of our relationship. Both being shy it was a huge tool in allowing us to get to know eachother in the beginning without having to interact face to face. We spent a lot of time playing, talking, sharing victories and defeats... all those late nights fighting monsters, climbing virtual mountains and watching the moon rise... surviving together... and with a snap of the fingers it was all gone. I learned so much about myslef and of him playing that game...

 

Just typing that makes me teary eyed.

We do things together in real life of course, but like I said, this was a big thing and it meant a lot to me.

 

That he chose to leave is not what drove me to post here however... it's that he never told me anything at all about him leaving, and that he ignored me right before he did. Why didn't he say anything!? I feel so hurt and left out of the loop. I've been trying to contact him all day since he left the game for good, but I can't find him anywhere. Why won't he talk to me...?

 

I don't expect him to tell me about every little detail of his life, but something like this, surely he should have said something...? Warned me he was going to do this... it feels like a slap in the face or a stab in the back.

 

I renewed my subscripton to the game just a week ago, so now I have a few long lonely months to look foreward to... but I may just stop playing altogether, it's too painful to play without my partner in crime... my knight...

 

When I see him tomorrow in person, I don't know what to say... is it unfair to be upset with him for not telling me about this? ...because I sure feel upset. I'm worried there may be something wrong in real life...

[Süsser Tod]

Hmmm, don't know about his behavior, but surely doesn't look like a healthy relationship.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think game or not he has the responsibility to inform you if there is a problem, he didn't, he keeps ignoring you, whatever the reasons there's no excuse for that behavior, I suggest you to not talk to him again, don't contact him, don't call him anymore and if possible avoid all places where you know he'll be, I think it's not important to find out what the problem was anymore, he's an immature person, you can do better.

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend and I also play MMORPG's together. I'd be mildy upset too if he quit playing because this is something we enjoy doing with each other.

 

Sometimes my boyfriend won't respond to me in game if he's in the middle of a battle, same goes for me. And I know if my boyfriend suddenly quit it'd be because something happened to *really* make him mad at the game. It would have little if anything to do with me. I also know if he's in a bad mood I'm usually not subjected to it as he likes to cool off by himself. Many guys are like this.

 

To be objective it is also possible that he is doubting the relationship but if this is the case there are better ways to handle a situation like that. When my boyfriend and I split for a time neither one of us stopped playing our game, we just simply stopped playing together so again, I don't think it is likely.

 

I do think that you are being a little bit too romantic about this game you play with him. Your actual relationship is much more important and it is only that, a game. People change, interests change. If all pans out a new hobby or activity will fill it's place.

 

(My boyfriend and I also like to watch Angle, we've watched the entire series on DVD and just finished the last episode tonight. It was part our our weekend routine but I know we'll find something else to do.. It's not the end of our relationship!)

[Silver Glow]

I got to know my guy online before meeting him. You didn't say wether you met him in RL then got to know him in the game, or met him in game and then met him RL.

 

however.. due to the fact that you had a relationship in the game, he should have said something to you at all period. Face to face or simply in the game.

 

Ignoring you like that, then talking to the group of friends to say bye he's quitting? Complete bull.

 

Now, I wouldn't throw everything in the garbage, if you have a relationship in real life, you need to confront him about this and at least ask him nonchalantly..

 

"So hey um. I tried to talk to you yesterday in game but I didn't get any response.. then i saw you saying you were quitting the game forever. Is there something wrong?"

 

Give him a chance to either.. say something.. dodge it completely, or ignore you again for real.

 

Then you'll have to decide what your going to do. I would have a serious problem with him if it were me. Even now,, when we play rl games together, we don't just ignore each other. We may not talk alot in the game.. but we don't blow each other off like they are unimportant. =/

 

That's outright rude.

[Indigo]

Yeah I tend to get over-romantic about things, which is why I usually wonder if I'm expecting too much or to little. Reality checks are always welcome, one of the reasons I come here.

 

I don't want to just say goodbye to him, because he's also my good friend and I want to help him when he's low. At the same time I can't excuse rudeness -- if he starts making a habit of blowing me off like nothing matters, I will have to say goodbye.

 

 

To clarify a little...

I knew him in real life for half a year, we found out we both loved outdoor sports and did (and still do) that kind of stuff together when we can, then when we found we were both gamers we started playing games together (which was easier for us because it doesn't involve a big planned trip). He has never ignored me in real life. In this game, there have been times where I think he may have been too preoccupied to reply, or crashed, or whatever, but I know for sure at the point of this incident he was purposely ignoring me, which hurts.

 

 

What happened...

I approached him neutrally the following day, he was sitting by himself, reading his book. He looked up at me, face almost like he was going to cry and said hello. I asked what happened, and found out the reason for his quitting. Some family issues came up rapidly, and he just can't play anymore. Quitting was [severely] against his will.

 

I still don't feel that exuses his ignoring me that last day in game -- very rude. Even just saying, "We'll talk later." would have been enough.

 

He was clearly still upset (staring at the floor, being more quiet than usual, not wanting to do anything, generally depressed) so I just gave him his space for the rest of the day. I didn't want to ambush him with 20 questions.

 

...but three days later now, he's still acting pretty depressed. Hes a little better, but it's still as if he died and his ghost is walking around. Still very quiet, not really talking to anyone. The only couple of times he's talked to me since, he's asked how things are going in the game, and how he really wants to go back. I keep telling him that he's not missing much, and how I play much less because it's boring without someone to play with (and it's all true).

 

Unless he hasn't told me everything about the incident with his family, I feel he should be over this by now. Like I said, the game was a big thing, but we do other stuff too. ...he doesn't seem ready to move on...?

 

I'm going to try and invite him over this weekend, so we can just relax, hopefully talk a bit, and do something else together.