Bad Pattern

[snowgirl]

My husband and I are in a bad pattern. I have posted about him before. He is depressed and occasionally suicidal. It's been a real struggle, but he is a little better now. He is home, not working, and has the time to spend on healing. He has finally agreed to therapy, which is probably going to help him, but is going excruciatingly slow. Argh.

This summer, he was very depressed and often suicidal, which was a new and extremely terrifying experience for me. I won't bore you with the details again, but he got into depressive states and was extremely mean to me, verbally. He was jealous of my career and my life, and said a lot of horrible things to be at this time. He tried to get me to get out of going to a trip to Europe because he was in a bad place, but it was for work, and I can't lose my job, or we will be eating out of dumpsters. He threatened to kill himself if I went, and he threatened to leave me after I did go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to. It was the most miserable week of my life. He thinks it was terrible and selfish of me to go.

He had one day when he told me he was leaving the house to go kill himself. I am not sure if I talked him out of it or if he was just not ready, but somehow, he didn't go. I begged him for a long time and he stayed and listened, so I continued to beg. He told me that I would regret begging him because he would do it sometime and I would have to see it. This one event haunts me and plagues my dreams. It was so terrifying that I sort of go limp when I get a good reminder of it. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life, and it continues to keep me afraid. So onto my problem. Are you all still awake?

I am not myself around him, not really. I am absolutely terrified of triggering a bad mood because it's so incredibly painful for me, so I compromise and acquiesce, and generally don't make any fuss. I triggered his worst mood in months this weekend when I told him I was planning to have a girls night out with my friend who I had not seen in months. He went into a suicidal depression that was awful. Every time it happens, it chips a little more away at me, and I am starting to become paralyzed. I live in constant terror that I will upset him, and that has transferred to everyone else. I am terrified of upsetting anyone in my life now.

There is so much I can't talk to him about or it will send him into a depression. He'll go and lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling and speak to me in harsh tones. I am terrified for y psyche and for my marriage. This can't happen forever. I have to be able to be myself with him, or I will surely die an early death from the stress. My jaw is always sore, apparently from gritting my teeth subconsciously. I was have been more traumatized by what has happened with him than by anything else in life. I have these awful feelings that I need to get rid of, and I am emotionally healthy enough to know that the only way I can do that is to hash it out with him. It's like I have post traumatic stress syndrome, or that's the way it feels.

He tells me that when he is depressed, he has no control over what he says and does, and gave me suggestions for helping him out of them. It's more than I can handle, though, it takes every atom of my energy to deal with it already, and to take the responsibility of pulling him out of the depression is just toooooo much. I told him that, and that it is starting to really wear me down, and it made him start to slip back down, so I backpeddalled on my story. He takes no responsibility for his moods or for helping himself, he puts it all on me.

The funny thing is, I adore him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, at least when he is sane.

Sigh. I am not sure what I am after here by posting this, other than to have someone else read what I wrote and understand. I am sick of waiting for his counselor to give him medication, which I think will help him a great deal. It's just soooo slow.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[Dannysgirl]

Oh dear, what a terrible situation to be in! I really feel for you. Has your husband been to the doctor to be formally diagnosed with depression? Has he tried any kind of miedication for it? Are you absolutely sure that your husband IS depressed and not just threatening suicide in an effort to control you? His tantrums and threatening to kill himself everytime you say you want to go out with your friends or go away for the sake of your job sounds like very controlling behaviour to me.

 

Was there any particular trigger for his depression? Why is he so jealous of you, doesn't he work? Sorry about all the questions, just trying to get more insight.

[Relationship Coach]

SnowGirl,

You are the real victim of his depression. You could actually benefit from counseling yourself. He seems to be having multiple issues here. I think it's a combination of self esteem, jealousy and co-dependency. Any way you look at it, he needs to be evaluated and medicated. He is using his mental health as a ploy to control you. The man is very manipulative and devious, nasty combination. How much of yourself are you willing to lose in order to deal with him?

[RandomAdvisor]

snowgirl,

 

I'm familiar with your posts. I feel sorry for your husband. I really do. It sounds like he has a lot of issues. That being said, I feel even more sorry for you. He's manipulative, and he's bringing you down. He has only "finally" agreed to therapy. He should have a long time ago. At this point I think a trial seperation might be in order. He doesn't seem like he's got any motivation to better himself at the moment, so maybe the realization that you're done putting up with his crap will make him get serious about changing. And if he doesn't, your faced with the choice of dealing with this for the rest of your life, or divorcing him. I think that's a no brainer decision.

[mgirl]

To me, it sounds like he is controlling you through his moods. At the end of the day he has to take responsibility for himself - no amount of pulling you down is going to change things for him. If he is suffering from self-esteem issues and is without employment, he really needs to address these issues first, because they are the most important to his survival.

 

This sounds like it is taking it's toll on you and you may have to take a few measures of action.

 

This is drastic, but get on with your daily activities, such as work, seeing friends, and keeping the household running. If he tries to pull you back, just simply say, "have a good day", or something like that and go about your everyday business. He may get desperate, he may make threats, but eventually he will see that his behaviour is getting him nowhere and hopefully he will change. If somebody is going to act like a baby, then you should treat them like one. Infact, you should start treating him like a baby and when he asks why, simply say, "you are acting like such a baby, so i am treating you like one"! I bet that will stop him in his tracks.

 

In the long-term though, you will have to set boundaries on what you deem to be acceptable behaviour from him. Do you have somewhere you can go if you need to walk away from him for a night or two? And of course, he will have to deal with his own issues of self-esteem through counselling.

 

It seems to me that people only try to control others when they think they are in a position to do so, such as a living situation, or in an emotional commitment. You need to show him that marriage is a priviledge, that people makes choices every day to stay with the one they 'love', and that you have options and that you are prepared to use them.

 

Do not ask for his permission. It is now time to take control.

[mgirl]

I think that's a no brainer decision.

 

Yeah, i think it could be a 'no-brainer'.

 

You sound like a pretty together person =D> and that you could probably survive without him and i know you said he is the "best thing" that has ever happened to you, but surely there are more fish in the sea?

[snowgirl]

SnowGirl,

You are the real victim of his depression. You could actually benefit from counseling yourself. He seems to be having multiple issues here. I think it's a combination of self esteem, jealousy and co-dependency. Any way you look at it, he needs to be evaluated and medicated. He is using his mental health as a ploy to control you. The man is very manipulative and devious, nasty combination. How much of yourself are you willing to lose in order to deal with him?

Thanks for the reply. You are absolutely right on the money when you say it's about his lack of self esteem and co-dependency. (I am not even clear what that is, but I am learning). I am not convinced that he is devious or manipulative, I really don't think he is, but I will think about that. He is extremely remorseful when I tell him how it makes me feel, so much so that I can't really be honest about it, for fear of sending him into a suicidal depression like I did last week. it was not that I was going out with my friend, he tells me, but it was that I was so terrified to tell him that. (I told him I was dreading telling him, and he went on a two day slide). I did go to a counselor a few months ago, and she set me free after three sessions. I apparently am clear on what is happening. *shrug* I know that I need to get all of this out to him eventually. Right now, I just can't. When he gets depressed, it hurts me more every time, and I just crumple.

Don't get me wrong, he is not a bad person, he is a loving, fabulous, beautiful man most of the time.

Anyway, he IS seeing a counselor now, after a long time of me trying to get him to go. He said he wasn't ready till now. He sees the doctor for 45 minutes a week, and it's excruciatingly slow. It's been a couple of months now, and there has been no talk yet at all about medication. I wish he could have 5 sessions a week. His doctor has been on vacation for the past two weeks, too, so it's been a while since he has been to a session. It's been really hard to find someone good for him, so I don't want to rock that boat.

As for the other replies, thanks. I am not planning to leave him for a trial separation, I am not sure what that would accomplish, that's not a no brainer to me. I am very aware that I could survive without him just fine, but I am very motivated to save my marriage. Despite his depression, I love him to pieces, he is a brilliant and beautiful person who I waited a very long time for. I am not planning to cast him out on his own with no job.

And MGirl, I think you are right about us having to address his employment and emotional health issues first, so that is what we are focusing on first. It's very troubling to him to not be working, so he has to get himself well enough so he has the confidence to do that. He doesn't have that now, so he sits home and panics about money. That's not a good way to be.