Need to Vent!

[WildChild]

Just need to vent....aaahhhh! So things have been going way better with my bf, and I had resolved to just ignore the porn thing. We had a wonderful Christmas, the first I had in a long, long time and to top it off he gave me gorgeous diamond earrings and a diamond necklace. On Christmas night he drew me a bubble bath, lit candles, poured me champagne and told me to relax. What a sweet gesture I thought.

 

However the morning after Christmas I come onto the computer and the history box is showing. Low and behold Christmas night while I was sleeping he was out at his interactive porn site Made me sad since we had this beautiful Christmas. Ironically our sex life had been lacking for about 3-4 weeks and so after seeing that I went out and checked the temp internet files and of course it showed he had been going to this site the last 3-4 weeks So this past weekend I told him what I saw in the history as plain as day, that I didn't want to discuss it, but just that I don't like that our sex life is lacking again. End of discussion. Of course he denied it, I reitterated to him again it was there, that I saw it and I didn't want to argue about it. And we didn't talk about it again.

 

So this week he has been out of town this week working and he just called as his nightly ritual. I was telling him that when I came home tonight I noticed a note torn up on top of the garbage that had my 10 year old boy's writing on it with the words "to prove it I'll kiss you." I put the pieces together and as I'm explaining to my bf what it said, he says to me "you shouldn't have done that" and I ask why. He says that it was embarrassing for him (my son) and how would I have felt had my mother did that and then he proceeds to tell me it is none of my business. I told him I felt it was my business because the note said that he was going to kiss this girl and I felt at 10 years old he is too young to be talking about kissing some girl. He repeats it's none of my business and I told him I disagreed. He then says to me "You're a snoop!" I told him I wasn't and he says "Yes you are. You are nothing but a snoop. I'm gonna start leaving things laying around the house just to piss you off and when you come to me with it I'm gonna tell ya 'see you're a snoop' and see how you like it." Needless to say I passed the phone to my youngest boy and when he gave me the phone back there was a dial tone and I don't know who hung up, him or my boy. Not that I intended to talk but to say good-bye but he hasn't called back either.

 

I am so mad right now and so hurt. I wasn't snooping that day after Christmas, the history was right there (and deleted out later that day...proves guilt in my eyes!). I wasn't digging through the garbage and I had even mentioned that...the note was sitting right on top. Maybe I am way off base here as a mother, but I think the age of 10 is waaayyy to young to be talking about kissing. I feel my bf comments weren't about my son, but the fact that I busted him (bf) AGAIN! And then to make the comment that he is purposely going to leave things laying around just to make me mad!???? Unbelievable! Here I miss him so much when he is gone, and things are going so good and he makes such a vicious comment. I really don't care to see him as soon as tomorrow night. It makes me not want to come home right after work. I'm too hurt and mad and I know that I won't be over it that quickly. I also know if I don't come home right away tomorrow it will make things worse.

 

Comments like that make me question things, and I don't like it. And not to mention, what exactly does he think he is going to leave around the house to make me mad? Numbers, condoms, pictures, what????? Does he have something to hide that would make me mad should I find out??? And to purposely do something to make someone mad, to purposely plant something? How do you give someone diamonds and then say something like that. He hasn't told me he loves me (outside of 6 months ago he said he loved me and the boys) but has never said I love you to me. He told me it will be when it is a special time...apparently being with someone for nearly a year isn't enough. Obvisously I want him to say it when he means it, but considering we did date for a few months, took a break and then have been together since. I don't know. He makes me feel like a princess and I truly believed in my heart he did love me. That being the romantic that he is, he would plan something special when to tell me. But, after his comment tonight I guess I believe he doesn't love me yet after almost a year, diamonds or not, the words themselves or not. That maybe I shouldn't trust him.

[darkblue]

Hey WC. Sorry to hear about this.

 

There is two issues here. (and issues within them)

The fact that your boyfriend is still looking at porn sites, and denying it.

And that he is defending the actions of your son.

 

A man that is meant to be committed to you - is looking up porn at the expense of your sex life. That's no good.

 

You really need to sit him down and tell him that you know he is looking up these sites! It's not exactly discreet.

And by constantly lying to you - he is just making matters worse.

 

You also have to explain that you have control over your son and it's hard enough being a parent without the added obstacle of having someone else helping him with-hold things from you.

If you think that your son is too young to be kissing - it's your call! He is your son.

[Itsok]

Is there a reason you are still with this guy? He lies to you constantly, goes on porn sites even though you ask him not to, and belittles you in any way he can, to the point of saying that now he will leave things around to piss you off? I am so mad for you I could go to your place and punch the guy.

 

Seriously, if you don't agree with his porn habit and he is continuing to do it anyway, he really has no intention of stopping. Do you really want to live with that forever? If it's not okay with you, he should be addressing that.

 

In a good relationship, you could discuss these things and the issue would be resolved instead of ignored. Don't ignore your thoughts and worries.

[feelingafraid]

I feel for you totally. I just went through the same thing with my bf, he left though, I asked him to due to having sex with phone sex operators.

 

It kind of puts a damper on your sex life when you are going through this, particularily if lying is involved. My bf always had an air of "you are crazy" or "aren't you being a bit paranoid" when I dared to ask him if he was back to the porn.

 

He began to sexualize everything around him, situations that are everyday became sexual, his bottom line was always a sexual comment no matter what we talked about he would always manage to turn it into something pointing towards that.

 

Right around the time the phone sex thing was going on looking back in time, I remember him thinking the STarbuck's girl at the drive through was talking sexually to him (just asking him how he wanted his coffee)

 

It's not like the porn was a casual occasion for him, he always behaved differenltly when he was doing it. It can cause some problems in a relationship I believe.

 

Good luck to you. I am bitter tonight and gonna "sleep it off" I know things will get better with time.

[WildChild]

I totally agree it is my call about my son. There are too many things out there in today's world and it is my job as his parent to prevent things from happening to prematurely. I don't get much support from my exhusband so many times I have turned to my bf for support. Most of the time we have a meeting of the minds, but I was totally blown away that he said it was none of my business?! Anything my children do is my business I believe. I think about the stories my bf has told me about him growing up and I would die if my boys ever did even half the things he had done, let alone things he has done in his adult life. I guess I feel let down by him because of that comment. That yes, even though they are my boys, I believed us being in a committed relationship meant we had the best interest of the boys in mind. I think he is angry about me knowing he goes to these porn sites and isn't even concerned about my boy kissing some 10 year old girl. I guess it was an awakening. Maybe we don't have the same values for raising children the way it seemed we did.

 

I guess I have turned a blind eye to his deceiptfulness because he treats me so good, but I guess that is a contradicting statement huh. I don't know why he feels the need to lie, but he has such a way of being good at it that I feel sometimes I imagine things. I have told him that I see it in the history, that I know he goes to these sites. I think he believes that if he denies it enough, I will believe him. He always says, "I don't know how it got there!" Jesus Martha. It's like he thinks I'm stupid. Wrong!

 

I reminded him again that I don't care if he goes there but that my problem is when our sex life suffers from it. He doesn't feel it is suffering...ha! Ironically enough with the stories he has told me, he was quite the playboy, but yet I nearly have to beg and plead, threaten and pout to get a little lovin' myself....shouldn't be that way. He told me he had his days of a sex filled life. I reminded him again on Friday night that I am 34 and don't want to have to go 3-4 weeks without sex. It's not right.

 

Anytime I have brought these types of things to his attention he gets defensive. No matter how I approach it, and it isn't healthy obviously. I have in the past tried to explain that a healthy relationship is discussing things, not pointing fingers. Not arguing, but compromising. Agreeing to disagree. Anything but denying the truth, and getting mad when someone points out you're lying.

 

Even this past Friday, he told me he went to work in the morning. He didn't go to work, he was here. Then he let it slip after he dropped me off after lunch that he left work at 2:00 when he had said he worked until 5:00. So, what was he up to? Why lie? Why not just say he didn't go in to work at all.

[WildChild]

It also shows the proof is in the pudding about the porn sites. That when he wasn't going to the site, we were having sex 1-2 a week. Once he started back up, our sex life gets shot down the drain. I tried to play it off that maybe he goes out there to keep his stamina up, but last week the boys were with their gma for most of the week, we had the house to ourselves during the week (rarely ever happens) even told him I wanted a night of loving, and he made sure to fall asleep on the couch and not come to bed until wee hours in the morning every night the boys weren't here. TOTALLY avoided me, and some will say that I shouldn't be worried that porn has anything to do with it? Someone give me a logical explanation and defense to that, and I will bring you the world on a silver platter

[Sentinel]

Since everyone else here is * * * * *footing around the issue, I will say it; your boyfriend has a serious porn problem and he is in denial and right now he does not want to get help. Your relationship will only suffer until he gets help, and really works on ALL his issues, many of which he is in denial about and may not even realize he is avoiding.

 

He needs to be confronted and he needs to have boundaries set. You need to set them. You need to give him ultimatums, and mean them. Do not compromise, ever. Otherwise, he will continue to walk all over you.

 

He is being a sexual anorexic, and he is (knowingly or unknowingly) using emotional manipulation to keep you placated so you do not cause him to take responsibility. Addictions are all about medicating pain. He will do anything to keep you from taking his medication away. That is his survival, his twisted way of coping with the stress of life. He needs to see that he does not need the medication, and he needs to see that a person's love is infinitely more important than the empty gratification of porn. No matter how many diamonds he gives you, it is not worth wasting the best years of your life on this man unless he gets help. I know, I was there; I am a recovering porn addict. It was a partial reason my marriage failed.

 

Yes, it is real. He has a serious problem. He is dysfunctional, but I bet he puts up a good front to everybody. I have several resources for you but I need to check the forum rules before I post websites, book titles, etc. etc. He needs to get counseling; in recovery groups, he needs an accountability partner, but the crux is that it has to be his decision to get help. You can't force him to. All you can do is things to let him know you will not put up with it anymore.

 

If he truly loves you and deep down is ready for help he will start to seek it once he sees his facade no longer works, thus he will be forced to face reality. If is not ready, he will move on to someone else that he can latch on to for security and allow him to continue his destructive behavior. Right now you are the one doing that, and until you stop providing him a place to act out without consequences, he will not stop, and you will continue to be hurt, and disappointed. Over and over again. Do you really want to live that way? Is this the example you want your son to see? Of you, being passive while someone continually hurts you; or do you want him to see someone who he can look up to as a strong person who only allows the best for her and her son.

 

You said he doesn't tell you he loves you????? That is such BS, if you love someone you tell them. Period. You don't have to wait for some special time to tell them. Sometimes the most important times we need to hear it is when we are at our worst, remember that.

[poke]

WC, I have to agree with Sentinel's sentiment.

 

The BF has a porn addiction, and he needs help for it. Its unlikely that you will be able to have a happy relationship with him as long as he still suffers from the addiction.

 

BTW, he doesn't know how good hes got it... just have a read through some of the other posts on here about how males are lamenting that their female partners have lost their sex drive after having kids.

 

Stick to your guns, don't let it become ok to do what hes been doing.

[WildChild]

I do believe he has a problem, and I also know that nothing I say or do is going to change it only because even when the proof is right there he still denies it. Like looking at a white wall and someone is arguing with you that it's black. He also will never admit to it either because obviously he knows or feels in his mind it must be wrong or he wouldn't delete it out of the history like he has been doing. I don't know right now where my anger, hurt and resentment lyes most. The fact that he treats me with no respect by insulting my intelligence, the fact that he is trying to tell me that what my 10 year old boy is doing is not my business, the fact that because of the frickin' sites, my sex life is nil to non or the fact that if he really did care and/or love me he wouldn't treat me like this through his words and actions. Not to mention that he is going to leave stuff lying around to prove I am snoop...God it just angers me typing the words! And yet last weekend he was telling me that I am special from all of the other women he dated, that I'm different, that I'm me. I guess I get the game of picking and choosing how to decipher his words and what is real or a lie.

 

I have been choking back tears on and off since the call. I feel humiliated for having finally letting my guard down and actually believed and trusted him and our relationship. Amazing how a few words can crush your emotional existence as you know it.

 

I know that when it is good, it is good. But I don't think this is ever going to get better, and this is the bad part.....the porn which now I resent where before I was o.k. with, the lies, the words, the need to find sexual fulfillment through a 20" flat screen. I'm almost embarrassed by our sex life, the things we have done together. Weird, but I feel almost dirty...not because of the acts but because of him. Or maybe it's because I had enough trust in him and our relationship and he has betrayed it. Last night I actually felt ill when I thought about it.

 

This whole thing reminded me of my rules that I admittedly slipped with but will remind myself again: Never trust anyone 100%, always trust your gut, and never depend on anyone because that way no one can let you down.

[WildChild]

Well I dreadingly came home last night after work. When I walked in he was all happy to see me and I just muttered "hi". He asked how my day was and I told him it could've been better, All concerned and with a look of "oh-oh, is she upset" kinda thing, he asks why and what happened and I just shot him a look. I told him that I had been choking back tears all day because of the mouth full he gave me and he asked what I meant. So I explained to him about his comments and he tells me "Oh honey, I was just playing with ya." I told him that with the tone he used it sure didn't sound like playing and he comments back that he hadn't been feeling good and was tired when he called The rest of the evening he was lovey dovey and seemed very happy to be home. So here we are back to normal and I am left feeling foolish like I made something bigger than what it was But I still can't shake the feeling that he may plant something or do something just to prove a point nor the porn thing ](*,)

[darkblue]

Never trust anyone 100%, always trust your gut, and never depend on anyone because that way no one can let you down.

What does your gut tell you?

 

You have to talk to him, WC.

About:

The porn, and how that's affecting your sex life,

His lying to you about the porn,

and; his taking your son's side and making parenting more difficult.

 

If you don't try and work through these issues - you will probably simmer away into resentment.

 

Good luck.

[Sentinel]

So I explained to him about his comments and he tells me "Oh honey, I was just playing with ya." I told him that with the tone he used it sure didn't sound like playing and he comments back that he hadn't been feeling good and was tired when he called The rest of the evening he was lovey dovey and seemed very happy to be home. So here we are back to normal and I am left feeling foolish like I made something bigger than what it was But I still can't shake the feeling that he may plant something or do something just to prove a point nor the porn thing ](*,)

 

OK, can we say emotional manipulation and guilt trip here people? Thank You. He obviously knows how to disarm you and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

He is playing the classic Passive/aggressive to keep you off guard. You sound like you also have a few co-dependent tendencies or you are still in disbelief of his actions. Oh, and stop making excuses for the way he is acting, he is not treating you or your son right, pure and simple.

[darkblue]

Oh, and stop making excuses for the way he is acting, he is not treating you or your son right, pure and simple.

I wouldn't say that he is not treating WC's son right. No reference was made to his treating her son badly.

I think he is just making WC's job as a parent harder.

[Sentinel]

I guess I gereralized there, but he is indirectly undermining her authority and it will effect how she raises her son. He needs to respect her parenting and it is disrespectful to make her feel foolish for the decisions she makes or reactions as a parent trying to raise her son.

 

So, yes he his making it harder to raise her son. So why do that if you should have her best interests in mind.

 

The deleting, covering up, and denial, all needs to stop. It is all dishonest behavior, and like you said, darkblue, it is time for confrontation. I think a third party would be invaluable and objective.

 

Someone with extensive experience with addictions should be sought. WC, if you love him and want him to be in your life you HAVE to let him know if he doesn't get help the relationship can't continue. There should be no room for doubt there. He needs to know it is hurting you too much, and if you truly love someone you do anything you can to stop hurting them.

 

If he loves you he will take earnest steps to correct his behavior, otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and the cycle will continue....

[darkblue]

I agree, Sent.

I also believe external help may be of benefit if both parties were willing.