What the hell's going on and what to do about it

[TIGRONETTE]

Bear with me, this one's a bit long...any constructive comments ??

 

Have been going out with a guy I mt online back in November. well he's gay, or at least thinks he is (never actually 'done it' with a guy) or i don't know seen the rubbish he spouts half the time

anyway, we saw each other after the holidays and I don't know, something just wasn't right

what freaked me out is that he moved out of his mother's place and gave up smoking, all this connected to meeting me (not exactly FOR me but freaky nonetheless)

and said that on NYE he wanted to find out if he was gay once and for all but it didn't work out

so back to Monday night, got drunk and made out as usual, even though it wasnn't as intense for me, and tried to have sex with me, well managed to go down on me for a bit and then no more hard on

I went to sleep at this stage but he doesn't and cries all night (he says) over the failure of our relationship

leaves in the morning, really cold and distant, I was half awake so took me a while to relise

call him on his mobile and he explains what happens (sounds like he's fighting back tears and all)

so we met on Tuseday (he wanted to chicken out but I made him)

and he says that he's sure he's gay but that he's got to put things to the test and that he'll get rid of me violently if he is (???)

should have got up and walked away at this stage but instead ended up bearing my soul and he did too (I think).

so we start holding hands again

then his mood changes, we got back to mine to see what can be salvaged, if anything, and he gets in a really dark mood, tells me he's a manipulator and hideous and looked really down, says he's gay and just went with me to proove this to himself

I snapped at this stage (I'd asked him before if he thought there was any point in us going on and he was pretty vague) and started listing his shortcomings and saying that I don't think he's that attractive and a complete basket case (not because of his sexual orientation mind you) and does nothing with his time (all true to some exent)

he said he's a liar and a cheat, I had to agree there

strange to say I felt really awful in the day but not too bad at this point

(finally getting this stuff out in the open was a relief)

we did end up in bed together but just held each other all night

next morning he's in a really weird mood, starts counting the minutes like a man about to be executed or something (why ? he wanted this in the first place)

Wednesday I get an email from him saying he's got a lot of affection for me and doesn't want us to lose touch, then phones me but I don't pick up the call as I'm already on the phone to a friend

I ring him and we talk a bit, says he felt like dying earlier in the day, wants to invite me to his new place etc etc

so now I'm stuck, need to think things through, my head says stop, my heart says stay in touch and see what happens, though when it comes down to it, this'll never work out and I'm not sure we can just be friends

[Prufrock06]

From what you've written, it seems like you need to listen to your head in this case. I get the sense that this guy is going through a rough period concerning his sexuality, and while that's a perfectly normal position to be in, it's not considerate of him to have to string you along in an effort to prove to himself that he isn't gay. He sounds really really confused and if it bothers you that much, then maybe a little separation is needed for both of you to maybe clear your heads a little (and for him to try and deal with his sexuality without having to emotionally harm you). Granted, you should be a little patient with him because he is going through a tough period -- but at the same time that doesn't excuse his manipulation of your relationship just to try and "convince" himself that he's not potentially gay.

 

Hope this helps!

[TheRock]

Hi,

I think there is no question he is gay. That is not something that a straight man needs to figure out.

I agree that he is very confused and in a tough time, but I think it would be better for you to back away and take time for yourself. he is not being fair to you, and is most likely using you for some sort of emotional backstop. It is just hurtful to you though. I know it might be tough to pull away, but you will feel better in time.

Goodluck.

[TIGRONETTE]

Thx for the advice so far

this is basically what I've been doing

I told him that I didn't want to speak to him on the phone and that we would see each other again, but in time and that I'd write first

we used to write messages to each other every day and I haven't for a couple of days so far (then again, neither has he)

I basically think I should wait another 3 or 4 days before I get in touch, but have no idea what to say

then again, maybe I should just forget about the whole thing

[pizzachick13]

If you're going to initiate contact again then just act normally and say hi, how are you, etc.

 

Try not to be too lovey towards him, as it kinda looks like he's using you (to me anyways), but don't be totally cold.

 

Good luck

[Tigris]

He's using you as a safety blanket!

 

Yes he's confused and I understand exactly what he's going through. It's taken me 30 years to work out who I am! The last 6 years have been the worst because temptation has been put in my way on numerous occasions. I explained to my husband that I had a problem (intense feelings for women) in 1999! Since then it's got worse! By the time we're divorced in February we'll have been married 14 years!

 

I agree with the others that you should 'back off'!

 

He may need help from a Psycho Sexual Counsellor!

[TIGRONETTE]

I think I've got the message about what to do in the long run

(I've asked people gay and straight in a non virtual context and they said much the same thing)

I WAS considering writing to him on Monday just asking for news as I do care about what happens to him, but also explaining why I don't really want us to see each other for the moment

 

is this the right way to act or should I just 'disappear' ?