PLEASE help

[chigal28]

I really, really need some advice and words of wisdom, comfort, ANYTHING right now.

 

I have been dating a really nice guy for about six months, and although we had been bickering before I left to visit my parents for a week on December 22, we also were confident that when I came back things would be better and we would be great. He's been going through a lot of crap lately--buying a new condo, which came with all sorts of problems, getting his car stolen, etc., which led to stress in our relationship, but we were always there for each other.

 

When I came back on December 30, he had a really nice Christmas card for me that said I love you, I missed you, I can't wait to see what our New Year holds, etc. Four days later, I went over to his place (it's very important to note that with very few exceptions, we've spent every night together since we met) and he said "we need to talk." He told me he's been feeling smothered, he needs space, we both need to focus on our own lives more, etc. He said we need to be apart during the week and see each other on weekends "like a normal couple." I had been thinking along those lines, so although I was hurt and sad, I was willing to accept it. BUT....then at about 11 that night, he got a text message from some other girl he had apparently met at a party on Friday night...it said "night!" I confronted him about it, and he said there was nothing going on, they had just been texting about random innocent stuff, etc....then he deleted all the texts off his phone before I could see them.

 

He has NEVER, ever given me any reason to distrust him in the past, and he's always been supportive and loving. I'm a fairly insecure person in relationships, and he said my asking him every day if we were OK was driving him nuts. My question I guess is: is there any way this is a coincidence, that he started texting this girl and now needs space? He said he's been feeling like this for a while and just didn't know how to bring it up....He also said he feels that if we continue like we have been--coming home to each other every night and not doing our own thing--we won't make it, but if we give each other space then we have a chance to be happy again....???

 

Also, has anyone else been told their partner needs space, and they give it to them and it turned out OK?????

[RooferGirl23]

hey may have been feeling that way but was to afraid to tell you, then knowing that there may be a new girl out there gave him more confidence. but what hes doing to you is wrong, and i would not waste my time with that. he's delteing the texts... what does that tell you? if they were innocent texts, then why not share them with you? why not share this new friendship with you? this guy sounds shady to me. "normal couples" dont just hang on the weekends!

[chigal28]

I feel that I need to point out that within a week of our meeting, he had told his parents he had met the girl he was going to marry....and why would he say "I love you very much" in a card and then THAT NIGHT get another girl's phone number?? I am just baffled.

[rosstheboss]

seeing each other less often can be good, you know what they say 'absense makes the heart grow fonder'. just weekends though thats not a normal couple.

 

but the texts are suspicious. if he wont let you read his texts then or in the future thats a huge red flag.

 

all you can really do is give it a week or so without talking about the state of the relationship etc then ask him what the score is, in a non-confrontational manner of course.

 

good luck

[chigal28]

Well, he said weekends and then if we have time to see each other during the week we will, but it just won't be every night like it has been.

[LiquidCherry]

Whenever I've heard the words, "I need space," I've never thought that to be a good thing. In fact, that relationship always ended with me being dumped. A relationship is two people, space is one.

 

If it was me that received a random text from a guy and it made my boyfriend insecure I would let him read all the texts I had gotten. Saving them but then deleting them so you couldn't see them just seems like guilty behavior to me.

[Lady Bugg]

I would tell him...you can have a week...or a whole year of space for all I care. Then go No Contact. He's disrespecting you and trying to make YOU feel like it's YOUR fault. Typical behavior of someone up to no good.

The text thing is a very big red flag.

 

You deserve better.

[chigal28]

He had his last show with his band on Friday night, and I went and had a great time....the afterparty didn't start until 3:30, and I was really tired, so I told him I'd see him at home when he was done there. He apparently met this girl at that party, and I keep feeling like if I had sucked it up and gone, none of this would be happening. It kills me.

[Lady Bugg]

Chigal, what you are doing is blaming yourself for HIS behavior. HE is to blame for this..NOT you. Why are you blaming yourself??

[chigal28]

I don't know. I just absolutely hate myself right now. I feel like if I had been more secure with the relationship, I wouldn't have driven him away. I also feel like if I had gone to that party, he wouldn't have met her and wouldn't be doing any of this.

[Lady Bugg]

Chigal....do you REALLY think you're to blame for HIS actions??

The fact you went home and said you'd see him then shows your

trust in HIM..NOT your insecurity. Had you insisted you stay with him the whole night like a clinging vine is showing insecurity.

Whatever this guy said to you is somehow making you feel like YOU caused this, and that could not be farther from the truth.

 

Let me tell you something...EVERYONE is responsible for their OWN actions. Truthfully even if you were there that night, it would NOT have prevented him from doing this. When someone wants to cheat, they will FIND a way to do it. Being insecure or jealous is a com-plete waste of energy and emotions.

 

Stop blaming yourself. It is NOT your fault.

[chigal28]

Thanks, Lady Bugg. I needed to hear that.

[Setter5]

He sounds like a professional liar. They are everywhere.

 

What makes these people pro's is they can use selective memory and actually believe thier own lies-to some extent.

 

I had a girlfriend once who I knew once had a relationship with a guy several months before and then decided to be friends. She dated guys before me but always kept in contact with her friend the ex.

 

I addressed it carefully and honestly.

 

Months later, her phone rings while were out to dinner and she is in the rest room. It's loud, on the seat so I pick it up. Missed call, same dude.

 

I tried to let her go...but we did what everybody does, we got back together and fought. It would always resurface to my mind.

 

When it did end, I did find out that they had something going the entire time.

 

Time I wasted despite the good memories.

 

Stay strong and don't be mislead.

 

Good Luck

[chigal28]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's given me a lot to think about, and I realized that I DO deserve better. Maybe the texting really is nothing, but if that's true and he still won't be upfront enough with me to let me read them and ease my mind, he obviously doesn't really care how I feel. Well, I care how I feel, and I don't need that in my life. It hurts unbelievably bad....he even called me last night and we chatted for about 10 minutes like nothing had happened. I was extremely upbeat, didn't bring up any issues, and made sure I was the one that ended the conversation....I'm not going to kill my dignity any more than I already have. I want to see him so bad, but I'm not going to bring it up. If he doesn't realize on his own what we had and want to salvage it, then it's not going to work anyway. This really hurts, but I still really like to believe that everything in life happens for a reason. I hope some good comes of this, and that I can learn something from it....

[chigal28]

I really appreciate everyone's advice...he ended up breaking up with me on Saturday, and I've been going through all the emotions--confusion, anger, sadness--but also relief that I don't have to worry about wading through his lies or wondering what he's thinking or doing or feeling anymore. I can just focus on me and making myself happy....so if anyone has any advice on how to do that, I'd love to hear it!