What do I do?

[RunToMe]

This is going to be long, so bear with me please. I just need advice.

 

 

I posted a while back, asking about why you think that my boyfriend acts the way he does. Many of you told me that you believe that he is being abusive. I have read what you've told me, I have looked at the articles you all have sent me. My actions are now reflecting my thoughts and I have been pulling away from him as much as I can.

 

I havent said much, but I am obviously not acting like I used to. I have given up on begging him for affection. I have been more stand-offish, and he has noticed. I've made a few snotty comments, and he's noticed. He asked me this morning what my problem was and I told him I didnt have a problem. Then he said "Do you even want to move into the new apartment with me?" And I told him I didnt know. I also told him I didnt know if I wanted to be with him anymore, or if I even loved him anymore. Along with telling him that I felt he had no respect for my body, I also told him I was tired of trying to get MY BOYFRIEND to show me some affection.

 

Well, now he's being all sappy. He called my cell phone while I was on my way to work, but I missed the call so he left me a voicemail about how he loves me more than anything and will do anything to fix it. So then he calls me at work and tells me that the last thing he wants is to lose me. He asks how he can fix it, what I'm going to do, and if I've just given up on him. He tells me that he'll do whatever I ask. I'm so confused!!

 

He's called me twice since he got to work, and this last call he said he is on his way home because he's so upset that it made him throw up. He's being exceptionally nice to me and is being extra pitiful.

 

Is this an act? What do I do? I love him so much but the way he treats me makes me so mad!! I shouldnt have to beg him to even give me a hug, or hold my hand. If he truley loved me, he'd do it. If he loves me like he says he does, why does he call me dirty names when he's mad? Why does he tell me who I can talk to, what I can wear, and wear I can go?? WHAT DO I DO????

[kellbell]

Hi there!!

 

I was just looking at your other posts and IMO, no one changes just like that. Usually, it takes a great deal of pain to change and I doubt very much your BF will change over a few comments you say to him or if you get "snotty" at times. I don't think you are being snotty at all.

 

This is typical behavior of abusers. They may hit or yell, then you call them on it, threaten to leave...then they get all apologetic and sappy. He may even buy you flowers, take you out...maybe a little more affectionate with you for a few days. But that will wear off...this is only something to confuse you and make you stay. It's all mind games and that is what abuser do. It's all about mind games and power. His niceness is making you second-guess your decision and feelings. Don't fall for it.

 

Stay strong and get out of that relationship as soon as you can. When he is at work, pack your stuff and get out of there. It's only going to get worse. Why would he change, you put up with it? He has no incentive to change. I would go with your gut feelings, leave the relationship, surround yourself with safe and supportive people. Many hugs to you...take care.

[Danny H]

I have only read this post, so I'm judging my comments on what you have said here.

 

Your Boyfriend is acting out classic controlling behavior, I should know I too have acted that way.

 

If he is like me, he could be totally unaware of his actions, and the effect they are having on you.

 

You see we don't realise how crazy the behavior is to others.

 

But it is possible that he can learn as I have, and then slowly he can see the patterns and stop them in their tracks.

 

Depressed people, unhappy people, and many others have our sympathy, I think the controller is just a little child lost in insecurity, but because he comes accross as a tough bully, people hate him.

 

That doesn't mean you have to suffer for his failings, but at least give him the odd chance to try and change.

 

3 strikes and out I guess

 

Dan

[Dannysgirl]

I think you desperately want to believe that this man has changed when its impossible for somebody to change in so little time.

Please do yourself a favour and get out of there asap, stop making excuses and stop stalling! If this guy really wants to change he will prove it to you by seeking help wether you are with him or not. This is something you can check up on periodically in the ensuing weeks/months.

 

Personally I think this guy is a total Bull S****er and you are well rid of him. I'm not trying to sound like a man hater here, I'm really not and I'm sure there are more guys out there like Danny H who really want to change and DO change but this guy you're with sounds like a loser of monumental proportions who does nothing but lie, treat you like excrement and talk out of his backside when called on it.

 

Gather your strength and leave! Lets see how much this guy has 'changed' in a few weeks/months time - I'm betting he won't have, all of these declarations of love are empty words designed to keep you just where he wants you, as others have said don't fall for it.

[Relationship Coach]

I agree with the others, he is putting on a show. If he doesn't have you, who will he have to control? Now that you have stated your displeasure and showed him you can be strong he is trying to lure you back in with "reaction affection", it's not genuine and you can probably see it.

 

We tried to get you to look in to temporary living and a solution for your animals, don't confuse his feeble attempts at being what you want as a change if personality. This guy as I have said before is a manipulator (I've read all of your prior posts) and he has forced you in to being co-dependent so he can control you. Brainwashed is more like it because you know what is best for you but you refuse to do it. The last thing anyone here wants is for him to hurt you. You really need to get out of this relationship and improve your lifestyle on your own, then get involved with someone. Wishing you the best, RC

[RayKay]

Sweetie, he is displaying CLASSIC signs of an abuser.

 

Of course he is being sweet, because if he loses you, he loses his control, he loses the person whom gives him the power to control. He has not changed one iota, he is just showing you the cycle of an abuser, no one "changes" or learns that fast without some work put into it.

 

He is emotionally manipulating you, because he sees you are pulling away. Once he has you back, he will hurt you again and again and again. For him, it's power. He has the power to control how you feel, think, do....because you are so dependent right now, he can control you feeling bad, he can control you feeling happy, and they are one and the same in that they are both manipulated.

 

All the sappy voicemails, dozens of roses, sweet poems do NOT make up for abuse. Ever.

 

You need to get out of there. It's as important NOW to get away, as it was last week when he was being cruel to you. He can be just as unpredictable when he is "sweet" as when he isn't. In fact, I would say be even more careful right now, don't fall into the trap, and protect yourself by getting out of there.

[Dannysgirl]

Runtome, let me tell you what happened to me.

 

A few years ago I was involved with a guy in college who very slowly drained me of my finances until I was forced to move in with him to remain at university. Even before I moved in he had begun to emotionally and mentally abuse me and my self confidence had pretty much been destroyed completely. I convinced myself that his behaviour was due to 'stress' and the death of his mother the previous year and thought moving in with him would improve things - I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

I am a very tiny petite woman and have numerous health problems that I need to take essential medication for everyday. Not long after I moved in my tablets start going missing ( I later found out he was hiding them as well as spiking my food with marijuana and an assortment of other drugs) and the effects of not having them begin to show rapidly - (confusion, extreme naivete, huge weight loss, muscle weakness) however because I didn't have my tablets I didn't realise why I was feeling so weird. As time went on he started locking me in the bedroom of the house and disappearing for a whole day sometimes and I had no idea where he went or what he did. He also phyiscally abused me and forced himself on me sexually on more than one occasion.

 

I eventually got out of this situation when my mother called and requested that I go home for my birthday -(he accompanied me because he was worried I would say something, not that I would have as I was totally out of it) my mother saw me and nearly fell over I weighed 60 pounds at this point and was very sick.

She managed to get rid of him after a few days and I was sent to the doctor who I had to plead with not to admit me to the hospital. I was put on muscle/energy building treatment that is normally reserved for terminal cancer patients.

 

My ex then began a campaign of trying to get me back in his clutches first it was all nice 'but I love you, I would NEVER harm you..' etc etc then it was threatening 'meet me on your own or all your stuff is out in the road'

he would call me in excess of 100 times a day leaving message after message that was more desperate than the last.

 

I was very strong I went strict NC after that and only spoke to him when I went to collect my things with my Stepfather in tow. He had slashed all my clothes to ribbons and had stole all of my possessions that were of any value.

After a long court wrangle I eventually got my computer back that had lots of lovely viruses on it and was worthless anyway but I don't care - the point is I AM ALIVE and it is my firm belief that had I not gone home that weekend I WOULD be DEAD now and would not have had the opportunity to meet the amazing person who is now my husband.

 

Wake up girl, GET OUT before you are WHEELED OUT.

[crossflow]

Wow that is pretty full on

[Dannysgirl]

Yeah I suppose it was really but the whole experience made me a much stronger person and without going through that I wouldn't be where I am now. The guy did me a favour in many ways because had this NOT occurred I would not have met the man that is now my husband and that really would have been a tradgedy.

[Danny H]

The guy did me a favour in many ways because had this NOT occurred I would not have met the man that is now my husband and that really would have been a tradgedy.

 

That is such a lovely thing to say,It is nice to see someone on the forum is still in bliss.

 

 

Best

 

dan