why am I still in this situation?

[brier rose]

My boyfriend and I broke up over the summer, when things got so out of hand that I couldn't take it anymore. Since then I have battled constantly to keep away from him. But it's impossible.

 

He started trying to get ahold of me the second we broke up. I told him I needed time. So for awhile (about a month) I didn't hear from him. I was so happy because I thought he was moving on! This guy has been in my life for about three years now. At one point I can honestly say he was obsessed with me. And I have always wished he could just find someone else and get over me. So I was so happy, thinking maybe he had! He's been verbally/emotionally abusive. He's grabbed me before when I was trying to leave a room. More than once he has subtly (in a manipulative way) threatened to rape me because he got "frustrated" with me.

 

So yeah. I was really happy thinking maybe it was over for good. Then one night I got a call just before I fell asleep. It was him. "Why haven't you been responding to my emails?" Apparently he had been emailing me for the whole month, and he had been sending them to the wrong address. So I felt so awful, because I knew that if I didn't respond to the emails he would call me. If I ignroed the calls, he would come over to my house (eventually). I can't let that happen because my parents would kill me if they knew I was having contact with him. So I didn't know what to do other than respond to him.

 

We've been talking on the phone/emailing/even seeing each other a few times since we broke up. And I got really encouraged because he seemed so much better.

 

And then tonight, I don't know what happened. Maybe it was because he was sick with a fever, but he just went off on me like he used to before. He started blaming me and making me feel like an idiot for everything I believe, the way I act, the way I think.

 

I couldn't believe it. And then I realized it's just the same as before. The only difference is that we aren't together anymore. I still have to call him before I go to bed, or he will "Worry" (which means he'll eventually come over to my house or call me during the middle of the night to find out where I am).

 

I can't *believe* I am still trapped in this situation! I felt so hopeless tonight when I realized it. I thought everything would be better after we broke up. But it's the same. . . What should I do? I feel like I will NEVER get away from him. He still wants to be with me. After he went off on me tonight, he started being all sweet and saying I'm all he wants and that he can't imagine life without me. * * *?

 

I just can't believe I am back where I started. I just can't believe it. And I don't know what to do.

[Tigris]

You go to a solicitor and tell them everything and they'll get a court injunction/order to keep him away from you.

 

Don't go anywhere near him or contact him again. If he comes to your house phone the police.

 

He's a very dangerous person!!!!!!!

 

Look after yourself by staying safe!

[LiquidCherry]

I didn't know what to do other than respond to him.

 

File a restraining order and tell all this to a judge. They'll make him stay away from you.

[Hope75]

The others are right. The first thing you need to do is visit your local police station and file for a restraining order. They can grant you an emergency one until you can go in front of a judge and get a longer term one.

 

You need to be honest and tell them that you are afraid for your safety. It's scary how much you are letting this guy control you, and you are. Until you really put your foot down and let him know that under no circumstances are you going to allow or accept this treatment, he will keep on manipulating and controlling you.

 

At one point I had to go to the police when I broke up with my ex fiance whom I was with for 5 years. While we were together he was very abusive to me. After I left him, he threatened me and my new boyfriend. He just wouldn't let it go. Once the police contacted him and notified him of the restraining order and warned him to leave me be, he finally did. Sometimes all these cowards need is a warning from someone to let them know how serious you are about stopping it.

 

I think you also need to be honest with your parent and let them know that you made a mistake and have been in touch with him. Part of the hold he still has on you is that you are feeling guilty and keeping this from your parents. If they know they truth, they can support you and you will be more resolved to stick to your decision.

 

You are only a victim as long as you allow it.

[Mrocza]

I agree with all of the above.

 

Maybe you thought you were doing the nice, humane thing by keeping in contact with him to avoid other outburts, but he didn't and doesn't deserve any special treatment from you. You let him STILL control you. Get a restraining order, tell your parents and tell him that you don't want any contact from him. If he goes against it, press charges.

[brier rose]

Aren't restraining orders just for if he's violent or stalking me or something? I mean, this is all sort of my fault here because I *did* agree to see him. He isn't violent. He's never hurt me. I know that he isn't that kind of person. There's just got to be a better way I can deal with this without taking legal action right??

[Hope75]

If someone is harassing you and coming to your house unwanted and calling you and you are afraid for you safety, those are all valid reasons for obtaining a restraining order.

 

You made some errors by continuing to contact him and letting him know that he can still control you, but you can put a stop to that now.

 

Can you think of a better way to let him know that you are serious by telling him to stop calling, stop coming over, sticking to it, and if he does call or come over, contacting the police and having him escorted off the property?

 

You said you were afraid if you ignored him he would come over. Let him know that you are not going to stand for it and if he does harasss you, you will contact the police. If it continues after that, he's been warned and you can and should get a restraining order.

[LuvstuffNStuff]

You need to get a no contact order against him, this will never get any better, and neither will he.......Dont fall for his nice moments, it will not last long, he will do what he has to, to get your attention, and it seems to be working from time to time, I would ignore his emails, and I would not answer his phone calls, and he comes to the house, I would call the cops, let this guy know, enough is enough

[ff7fan]

Block his emails and turn off the phone or if you can't do that, hang up without saying a word to him. If he shows up at your house you can call the cops on him. Your parents getting mad at you is a small price to pay for getting rid of this stalker, and I'm sure they'll understand if you cut it off for good now.