gf "cheated" on me, and now wants me back

[Miss M]

Lifeistough, I don't think it's a good time to think about getting back together with her. You say you had a good relationship most of the time? Well, from what you've written in the posts above, it actually sounds very horrible. You two really weren't good for each other at all. You don't need to prove anything to her because you really need to just work on yourself, without her being involved in that.

 

She texted me last night saying

"Just a message to say hi and i hope you are ok. I know you don't need to hear it but i'm coping badly right now. Such a mess. I hope ur in town having a good night. Don't think i don't think of you. I saw you in (local bar) last night, was too nervous to say hi. I hope u don't think badly of me 4 that. I don't know whats going on with me. I'm a wreck. Its not ur worry tho. I'm trying to get right. Sorry to go on. I'm supposed 2 work early tomoz i don't feel i can do it but i'm going to try. Night night x"

From her message she's saying that she still cares about you, but she is also saying she 's still in VERY bad shape. She's still not functioning well at all, and it seems she's trying to acknowledge that openly. She still has TONS of healing to do before she can think of having a relationship with you. She's using words to describe herself... "coping badly" "such a mess" "I'm a wreck." She's trying to be very honest about how badly she's doing, but she also seems to be trying to take care of your feelings saying... "I hope you are ok"... "I hope ur...having a good night"... "not ur worry tho" telling you not to feel any burden or concern for how she feels. She really seems just like a classic abuse victim... a walking wreck herself, needing to be honest about her inability to function, but still trying to figure out how to say that in a way that will keep her abuser from expressing anger, criticism, disapproval.

 

I haven't yet replied (24 hrs..). I honestly have no idea how to proceed now if I want to get her back. Should I reply or what?

No, you should not reply to get her back because you're aren't good for her. You shouldn't think of getting her back. She didn't write anything about getting back with you. Also she might be fishing for a hint, a reassurance that you care about her, that despite your cruelty, you still can love her like she used to imagine in the beginning. Everybody around her is probably telling her to stay away from you, to not contact you, but she is probably thinking, "but he used to really love me." And she may be fantasizing, longing for some love from you to help her heal. That's also classic behavior of an abuse victim. Both of you need to stay away from each other.

 

but I also KNOW I could be a good boyfriend again if I was given the chance

I think you're seriously kidding yourself about this part. The way you've described how you treated her, you really can't just flip a switch so easily and suddenly be better. It takes a huge amount of committed work to change that.

[lifeistough]

OK Miss M, I appreciate your time and comments, however..

 

I have just reread the thread and fail to see where you have got the term 'abuse' from. All I have said is that in the final few months of the relationship I stopped having sex with her, ignored her more than I should have and failed to attend to her emotional needs. Is that abuse? We were together 3 years, I was always kind to her, I got on well with her family, my parents loved her, I took her out, spent money, loved her, treated her... she was very happy with me... right up until those final few months where it steadily deteriorated into nothing really more than a lack of attention, so I do not appreciate you using the word 'abuse'. Yes I FAILED her but it was unintentional and I understand what I did wrong now and why I did it. So I admit to failing her towards the end, but I disagree completely that I am not good enough for her.

[Miss M]

Sorry Lifeistough, I probably use that word in a way that most people don't. I should be more sensitive when tossing it into my posts. It's just that what you described above is what I'd call emotional abuse. There was also a time when I wouldn't have labeled it that way because I didn't understand it, but I do label it that now. But also, I can understand, and also accept, if that is not how you see it.

[NeoJunior]

Well, i dont understand this kind of behaviour. Or she was too insecure and weak for staying alone that time in the college, or she already cheated on you before you split up, because its too early to go on any kind of relationship with a guy, even emotionally, after 3 days of split. Well, i dont know what to say about this. Maybe she really saw the grass was not green on the other side, and still she feels insecure and weak for staying alone, so she wants you back. You have to make the choice, cause if she loved you, she woulnd get a kiss from someone else only 3 days after the break. Consider this deep.

 

 

The girl made the same to me, but i got out of the relation before she could split with me. She was totally amazed the way i found out that she cheated on me with her ex (we were in somekind of LDR, 2 hours away from eachother). She knew she made the mistake, but she couldnt get out of there in somehow, because they knew eachother from long time ago. So i found out and i split. Now, just yesterday, she used to send me a message "I dont know if i should say you this, but i saw you in my dreams all these days like tormenting me, and i dont know why, maybe because of the july (we knew eachother in july before 2 years).". Its like a way to say i missed you, but she cant admit it. I dont care if she is with this other guy, and i really dont care, because its being 2 months since i left her. By the way, how do you interpret this message of her ? Its ridiculous, isnt that?