when they come back, it doesn't mean anything

[Mjane]

Hey all,

I first joined this board 15 months ago when my bf and I broke up and I didn't want it to end.

Since then I've gone through a ton more... I've gone on a ton of first dates, and a few guys seemed like real potentials, but it all fell apart.

I'm getting a lot better at spotting disinterest or a lack of pursuing behavior much quicker. And I've learned not to get sucked in so quickly.

I started dating a guy in mid-October and by mid-Dec. I had written him off because he didn't call me or ask me for a date. Then he contacted me and asked me out... I told him I'd already said goodbye.

Then another week goes by and on Xmas eve he writes me. Says he's bad at relationships, still wants to hang with me, bla. bla. bla.

Silly me thought maybe he was trying to get a foot in the door and see if I was open to dating... So, I wrote him this email, said I did have second thoughts about breaking up with him, but this is why I did it and I asked him what he wanted.

He responds... he says he couldn't do a relationship right now and he gave some thought to why he didn't call me much and decided he wasn't into (dating me) as much as he should have been.

So... what did I learn here? keep protecting my heart. Trust my instincts because they are 99 per cent accurate. If something seems off, it is.

And ask the direct questions... don't torture yourself with guessing, analyzing or wondering.

Find the truth. It might not be what you want to hear, but it will end the pain.

I was so ticked that he contacted me xmas eve because I had already moved on and didn't think about him much.

[elveden]

I agree. If I had a quid for every day i'd spent wondering and anazlyzing people's feelings towards me, i'd have many, many quids..

[newts]

I agree, we all need to follow our intuition a little more.

[darkblue]

Funny thing: perception.

It is made out to be such a bad thing. Like it is never right and is in some way harmful. In reality, it is there for a reason.

Your subconscious is analyzing situations and producing a perception, which it feels is right.

Essentially, trying to save you from damage.

 

We do it all the time.

We judge the distance of a car coming our way - if it is going fast, we will move out of the way or walk quicker.

If a man is saying how much he loves you, and his actions are the contrary - you feel that something is not right.

 

Anyway, I do believe we have to trust our intuition a little more.

[Mjane]

Funny thing: perception.

It is made out to be such a bad thing. Like it is never right and is in some way harmful. In reality, it is there for a reason.

It's actually scary how perceptive I am. I'm partly that way because I'm very observant... I have to be as a journalist... and I also remember what people say and how they say it...I'm very good at putting together puzzles.. not visual ones... but verbal ones.. and inevitably they don't point in positive directions.. And that's where DENIAL kicks in.

I am actually happier, calmer, more at peace when I am not agonizing over what he's thinking, feeling, doing, etc. I was so ticked off at him for contacting me... I was very distracted thinking about him boxing day because that's when I got his... oh. I don't want a relationship email... he says he only contacted me because he wanted to smooth things over because we run in the same circles.. whatever!

[darkblue]

I know you have seen this, as you replied to it.

It proves a very powerful message - you get stronger, day by day. And you can heal much faster when you simply refuse to play the games that your ex attempts to force on you.

 

Being civil is all well and fine, but when it is used as an excuse to talk things over, etc... No, that is provoking you for response.

[Mjane]

I think Chris' thread is great. I'm also a bit skeptical about whether he was in love with her, but he did admit he was thinking marriage. So that's pretty heavy.

My exchange of emails happened before I read the thread. But what has just happened to me and others is just a reminder to myself for the next situation.. although... to be truthful.. I'm hoping the next guy will last..

[conkatliz]

I totally agree! Might I say I am very impressed with your courage. You are a very strong willed person! Thank you for your story it helped me.

Conkatliz