Confused!

[OldSkool76]

I decided to join up because I've been having a lot of issues recently with my boyfriend, and, like most teenagers, I don't like the advice the adults who love and care about me are giving. So, I thought, why not seek the advice of complete strangers?

 

I don't want to bore anyone with a particularly long post, so I'll try to make it as short as possible. I have been dating my current boyfriend since July, and several factors have made it maybe a little too serious. Anyway, the first couple of months went smoothly, up until Thanksgiving-ish. He was supposed to come over to my house, but never showed up. Instead, he had gone to a relative's house, but never called to tell me that he had changed plans. We've been fighting off and on ever since, about what I won't and will "let him do." For instance, he joined a semi-pro football team that has practice Monday-Thursday. And, once the season actually starts in February, he'll be playing games on the weekends, and sometimes has to travel. He also has a job, so we'll see each other rarely. He doesn't seem to understand that I need to see him more than once or twice a week to maintain a relationship, and he's too afraid to ask sometimes because he thinks my parents will say I can't go. (His reasoning behind this is 1. because my parents can be strict and 2. because he's 23, while I'm only 17.) My parents rarely, if ever, tell me that I can't go off with him anywhere, unless I'm grounded. He says that I "always have to get my way now, and he's tired of it." I told him that I'm willing to compromise, and he said that he doesn't think it's possible to work things out. Yet, he still says that he wants to be with me, and that he loves me. (We were also engaged at one point.) I'm confused, and I don't know what to do anymore, and my friends don't seem to be helping. So, if anyone can possibly tell me the best thing to do, it would be much appreciated. ](*,)

[WildChild]

Hi OldSkool76!

 

Did I read that right that you met in July and since then (at one point) were engaged?

[OldSkool76]

To be technical, we met ten years ago, just ran into each other in July.

[James005]

Sounds frustrating and it does sound as if this is turning into a rather serious relationship. Another huge factor is the age, 6 years difference. Believe it or not that is a huge difference, its interesting that things have gone thus far. You also bring up another point, he is starting football. The point i am trying to make is while he is on the road with his friends away from town, he's going to be with other girls like it or not. The end result will be a broken heart for you since you seem to care for him. My advice, ditch him now, get it done with and move on. Go after someone your own age, hell if you can persuade a 23YO M to be with you getting a hodl of a 17/18 YO M wont be an issue

Its rough advice but its reality. Welcome to the real world, it doesnt descriminate, it gets us all.

[WildChild]

If he is feeling "crowded" by you, it may be necessary to show how you are willing to compromise now. You mention that his games will be falling on the weekends, are you thinking you will be able to go to them when they are within distance? Also, did he indicate to you any days that he would set aside for just you two?

[OldSkool76]

Yes, I actually told him that I would try to go to his games (his home field is actually only a short distance from my house), since he's gone to most of the activities my school has held this year (I'm a part of drama club), and that I'm willing, for at least awhile, to have just one day that I know we'll spend time together, and we can even take turns or compromise about what we do. Because I've said I'd try to compromise before, and didn't really make an effort to, I don't think he actually believes me...

[OldSkool76]

Another huge factor is the age, 6 years difference. Believe it or not that is a huge difference, its interesting that things have gone thus far. You also bring up another point, he is starting football. The point i am trying to make is while he is on the road with his friends away from town, he's going to be with other girls like it or not.

 

It's actually 5 years and a couple months--he turned 23 in November, and I turn 18 in March. Second, he has never cheated on me thus far, and, if he were to, his cousin would be the first to know and the first to tell me.

[RayKay]

It's actually 5 years and a couple months--he turned 23 in November, and I turn 18 in March. Second, he has never cheated on me thus far, and, if he were to, his cousin would be the first to know and the first to tell me.

 

5 or 6, it does not really matter it only 10 months off and at those ages, he is right, it is a big difference as you are at very different stages. No matter how mature you are, you are in different points.

 

Given his new commitments (football) he cannot guarantee any certain day, or how much time he can give you at this point. It's something you both need to communicate about. It does not matter how often you see one another, that is not what makes a relationship. It is about the quality of the time you do, and how you communicate and respect one another. The tighter you hold on, the more he will want to break away.

 

And while he may not cheat, or have, James is right, that if he is playing football, and on the road a lot, there will be lots of need for trust and communication in this relationship.

 

This relationship is still very NEW. You may have known each other 10 years ago, but you were a child then. This is something NEW now, and you need to let things progress naturally. You have been together about 6 months or so, and already been engaged? What happened to the engagement? You can't force things to happen, allow the relationship to grow and progress as it should. And realise that you both have to be individuals as well and grow in that way too.

[OldSkool76]

Despite our ages, it's not usually he that is more mature than I, and we are basically at the same stage, believe it or not. He's just now getting a job, buying a car, getting out of his grandmother's house, etc., and I'm in the same position with my work status, car, and parents. I am the more mature when it comes to the relationship. That's why I broke off the engagement a few weeks ago, right before our mini-split.

I have no real trust issue with him; the communication is what's going to get us.

[RayKay]

Despite our ages, it's not usually he that is more mature than I, and we are basically at the same stage, believe it or not. He's just now getting a job, buying a car, getting out of his grandmother's house, etc., and I'm in the same position with my work status, car, and parents. I am the more mature when it comes to the relationship. That's why I broke off the engagement a few weeks ago, right before our mini-split.

I have no real trust issue with him; the communication is what's going to get us.

Note, I did not talk about maturity being the problem, I talked about different "stages". Those are different things. I appreciate you may be mature, and be independent, but that does not mean you and he are in the same place. Age DOES have a lot to do with it, at his age, and with his job, it is a very new experience for him he is exploring and learning.

 

Communication goes both ways. He is 23, and the early/mid 20's are times of grwoth, and to him 1 or 2 days a week to give you may be all he has.. compromise is not making him give you more when he can't right now. He is communicating with you. He does not think you can compromise, well, instead of promising him you will, show him. But also don't let him treat you badly either (like standing you up).

 

Again, allow things to grow, communicate, but don't demand, and don't try

to change someone....people change for themselves only when ready. Also, respect yourself, love yourself and the rest will follow.

 

What do the "adults in your life" say?

[OldSkool76]

Oh. Right. But, that's the thing...He's not communicating with me. The only reason I even have talked to him in the last week is because I ran into him at Wal-Mart.

[RayKay]

Oh. Right. But, that's the thing...He's not communicating with me. The only reason I even have talked to him in the last week is because I ran into him at Wal-Mart.

 

Hmmm, so is he ignoring you altogether? Did he indicate WHY? That is an issue, are you sure it's not a "break up" of sorts?

[OldSkool76]

No, he wasn't ignoring me. I don't think so, anyway. He is the one that saw me and came up to me at Wal-Mart...We had a fight last week, and he's still sore about that. I've been trying to call him since he got off of work, but he was always on the phone...

He also invited me to his cousin's party for New Year's, but I can't go because I had already made plans with my best friend, seeing as how my boyfriend and I were fighting.

[RayKay]

No, he wasn't ignoring me. I don't think so, anyway. He is the one that saw me and came up to me at Wal-Mart...We had a fight last week, and he's still sore about that. I've been trying to call him since he got off of work, but he was always on the phone...

He also invited me to his cousin's party for New Year's, but I can't go because I had already made plans with my best friend, seeing as how my boyfriend and I were fighting.

 

Hmm, yeah I would say you definitely need to work on communication if fights leave you not talking for days! Not healthy....

 

I say, let him come to you, but perhaps write a non-accusatory letter explaining these things and how you feel.

[OldSkool76]

lol...I actually did do that. I explained that I felt like he didn't want to be with me anymore because of the lack of communication, and I outlined a plan for compromises we could make...And, would you believe it? He never even got the e-mail.

[RayKay]

lol...I actually did do that. I explained that I felt like he didn't want to be with me anymore because of the lack of communication, and I outlined a plan for compromises we could make...And, would you believe it? He never even got the e-mail.

 

 

Hmmm....maybe write one you can put in his mailbox (not email one!)......

[OldSkool76]

Yeah, I might try that. Or, see if I can give it to him tomorrow or something (no football practice, so I might be able to see him.)

[OldSkool76]

I actually have one other question that deals with my boyfriend, but not our relationship.

 

As far as piercings and tattoos go, how should we deal with it? Anyone know? He wants to get an Avenged Sevenfold tattoo, but I think it's dumb to get a tattoo of a band (well, their logo) that you've only liked a few months...And I want to get my lip pierced, but he doesn't really want me to.

So...how do we deal with that?

[PocoDiablo]

First off, you're only a few months into a serious relationship (in a manner of speaking) and already you're having problems and having to "fix" things. You're in therapy already.

 

In my opinion, this is a losing situation. It's most likely not going to get better. He is not giving you the time and attention you need and deserve. He refuses to be flexible. He's flat out avoiding you as far as I am concerned... and you want to fix that?

 

In my humble opinion ... once the flirting, joking, and fun is gone you've got problems. I would hardly expect this after ten years with a couple who has great chemistry, but not after ten weeks unless the people really don't have a good bond.

 

So, in my opinion? You like him because he is a challenge to figure out. He's unpredictable and yet authoritative at the same time. Mighty good traits for a man, in my opinion. But he lacks discipline and is disrespectful of your needs. Bad traits.

 

Me? I'd dump him.

 

As far as the lip piercing, I'd say go for it if you never want to get a mainstream job or want people to make snap and irrational judgements about you which will not be to your advantage. It's low-class in my opinion. As far as him? That's crazy.

 

Go for a belly button piercing instead. They are more mainstream and acceptable, and can be classy or sexy depending on the fixture.

 

Good luck.

[Dregnought]

I agree 100% with PocoDiablo there - Its a losing... no lost situation. Already. Only on the off chance that u 2 fix things, you wont be happy anyway. He's just not made for you. Dont worry though, there are others.

 

With Lip piercing - tell me how many adults you know actually have them? Its a teenager thing, and your quickly getting out of your teens. I bet it wont be long b4 you will want it taken out.

[OldSkool76]

Actually, my best friend's mom has her eyebrow pierced. I'm not too worried about being mainstream. In the area of career I want, just about anything's acceptable....

 

As far as my boyfriend goes, I'm starting to think that it is a losing battle, and I'm probably not going to get what I want out of the relationship...So...We'll see in a couple days what happens.

[Cherokeelion]

Hmm.... just saw the quote from the Breakfast Club. A 17 year old who quotes an 80s classic gets automatic props from me. As far as the relationship goes, you're very young yet and haven't really had the time to figure out what works for you. I guess I'm saying, unless you feel his " challenge " is good for you, then you might be better served by moving on. It's mostly listening to your own intuition that will help... the advice here is just that, helpful advice.

[OldSkool76]

Hmm.... just saw the quote from the Breakfast Club. A 17 year old who quotes an 80s classic gets automatic props from me.

 

LoL. Of course...It's a great movie! In fact, it's one of my favorites...

 

And, thanks for the advice...I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing as of right now...